


In Mars, There's Stars

by joonijoongi



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Canon Universe, Character Study, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, First Time, Fluff and Angst, I couldn't help myself, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Minor Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Not Beta Read, Sharing a Bed, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, a complete rundown of seongjoong, basically I cover everything, from beginning to end - Freeform, lots of mentions of stars, slow burn hell actually, takes awhile to get there though...sorry!!, way too many mentions probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:09:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 140,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28306566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joonijoongi/pseuds/joonijoongi
Summary: Seonghwa thought that Hongjoong hated him. And well, he might as well hate him back. Except, he didn't hate Hongjoong. He could never hate Hongjoong. And maybe, just maybe, Hongjoong didn't hate him either.//{or Seongjoong moments from past to present}
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 125
Kudos: 297





	1. Part One: 2017-2018

**Author's Note:**

> I think (and hope) that this fic is really good. I've worked countless hours on this to make sure it is really good. But, for those of you who don't know - I have an English degree. Which means I am used to getting my writing absolutely shit on. (Constructively of course.) This means, I will take ANY feedback. Positive or negative. I just ask that everyone who reads this: please take the time to write a quick comment. Even if it is mean. Even if it says fuck you. Because I will read every comment and it helps me improve for the future. I hope to continue writing Ateez fanfiction. 
> 
> And here comes my disclaimer:  
>  **I am well aware the people I am writing about are real. And honestly, they most likely would not approve of the stories I write about them. But here I am, writing them anyways. I haven’t fully coped with the differences between real and imaginary. Of what is acceptable to write and what isn’t. All I know is, any situation I put these real people in is 100% fictionalized. These real people in my stories are also 100% fictionalized versions of themselves. Please do not assume that I believe these people think or act a certain way just because I write them like that.**
> 
> Godspeed Atinys and fellow Seongjoong shippers!
> 
> [My Twitter](HTTP://www.twitter.com/joonijoongi)  
> [My Carrd](HTTP://www.joonijoongi.carrd.co)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **!!!!TRIGGER WARNINGS for this chapter: homophobia, child abuse!!!!**
> 
> Please read with caution and enjoy!
> 
> This HAS NOT been beta-read by anyone other than me myself and I. Please comment any errors you see and I will fix them!

* * *

**Part One **

** 2017-2018 **

_Listen to: “Out of Nothing, Everything” by Dan Romer and “moonchild” by RM_

* * *

When Seonghwa first met Hongjoong, he knew he was talented. He hadn’t even opened his mouth yet in their vocal training class, but Seonghwa saw his clothes: beret, overalls, rings, painted shoes. He just looked like the type that would be a musical genius. Which turned out to be true.

But then there was Seonghwa. Dressed in a monotone sweater and jeans that just screamed: “I got scouted off the street and I’m here to be the visual and that’s all!”

So when Seonghwa found out that they were going to be roommates, he was excited. He hoped that Hongjoong’s creativity and talent would rub off on him. It would be good to have someone like him by his side.

*

Seonghwa was convinced that Hongjoong hated him. Though, he didn’t have much to back up that theory. At least, he knew that _he_ didn’t hate Hongjoong. No, if anything he might’ve been trying too hard to get Hongjoong to like him.

The others were way closer to their roommates. Wooyoung and Yeosang had been friends for years. Yunho and San naturally had a lot in common, with both of them being giant softies. And even Mingi and Jongho, who at first bickered for a whole week over the bottom bunk, became the best of bro buddies.

But not Seonghwa and Hongjoong. Nope. At least when Mingi and Jongho had their fight over the bottom bunk they vocalized their feelings (very loudly mind you). 

But Seonghwa and Hongjoong would have had to talk in order to have a fight… Right? Sometimes due the lack of communication between them, he thought that Hongjoong may be playing the longest game of Quiet Mouse ever or giving Seonghwa the evilest silent treatment in existence.

Most of the time, Hongjoong tended to not be in their dorm room at all - preferring to spend his time in the practice rooms. He gathered his three to four hours of sleep on random sofas and maybe occasionally his bed if he was tired of having a stiff neck. And whenever he did get tired of the stiff neck, he slipped into their lower bunk like a thief of the night and would be gone by the time Seonghwa got up in the morning. The only way he could tell Hongjoong had been there at all was the subtle rearrangement of his pillows and plushies. And on the rare occasion Hongjoong was in their dorm room for an extended amount of time, he was plugged into his MacBook - oblivious to Seonghwa and the rest of the world. 

At first, he just simply thought that Hongjoong was a quiet workaholic…until he observed how much he laughed with the other trainees. He always giggled. Loud. He’d tilt his head back, cover his mouth, and sometimes even roll onto his side if the joke was particularly funny.

Seonghwa knew he wasn’t as funny as Jongho or Yeosang or Mingi. But Hongjoong didn’t even give him a chance to be funny. Hongjoong would have to listen to him say more than three words in order to hear a complete joke.

Because of all of this, he tried to rack his brain and remember where things had gone so wrong. He had tried to talk to Hongjoong those first few nights, but Hongjoong would either say just enough to satisfy Seonghwa’s small talk needs, fall asleep eerily fast, or come to bed long after Seonghwa had already fallen asleep.

He had thought that they would have a lot in common. They were both the same age. Both trainees. Both the youngest in their family. Both enjoyed music, obviously. And shit, Seonghwa was prepared to even shower Hongjoong with lots of compliments regarding his protégé-level musical talent. They had lots of potential conversation starters waiting.

What had Seonghwa done to piss Hongjoong off so much? As hard as he thought, he couldn’t come up with anything. Mostly because they hadn’t said more than a handful of sentences to each other.

He didn’t know what to do because he didn’t know what he had done.

*

Seonghwa had officially decided that if Hongjoong was going to hate him so much then he might as well hate Hongjoong back.

But looking back, Seonghwa didn’t know why he thought his plan would work. All along, he assumed that the way to get Hongjoong to talk to him in depth was to ask for coaching.

He frequently saw Hongjoong coaching all the other trainees, and initially he had resisted asking him for help. Asking him for help meant embarrassing himself in front of someone about ten times more talented than him. Sure, Hongjoong had heard Seonghwa sing (terribly) before, but asking him for coaching meant inviting in him to critique Seonghwa’s singing. And potentially embarrass Seonghwa so bad it would backfire and _he_ would be the one giving Hongjoong the silent treatment (not like it would change their relationship much anyways).

But after months of their dorm room being pin-drop silent, Seonghwa decided it was time to try. He thought that he had nothing to lose.

He thought.

The perfect time struck while Hongjoong was gathering his dirty clothes that were scattered around their room’s floor. (Now, Seonghwa would admit that they had nothing in common when it came to cleanliness, but he chose to forget about it while he spent his energy trying to get Hongjoong to realize how much they _did_ have in common.) 

“Hongjoong-ah?” he said from the top bunk.

Hongjoong’s back was towards him. “Hm?”

“What would you think about helping me with my singing, you know, like you do with the others? Since I had to switch from rap, I feel like I’m constantly behind everyone else.”

Hongjoong continued to scoop up his clothes and said with a sigh: “I do not think you are behind everyone else, Seonghwa-sshi.”

He winced at Hongjoong’s formal wordage. He had tried to tell him multiple times before that there was no need to speak so formally around him since they were the _same age_ , but it still appeared that like all of Seonghwa’s other words, it fell on deaf ears.

Nevertheless, Seonghwa persisted further. “Well, I feel like I am, so I was wondering if you could take a listen to those verses we were working on today.”

“Jongho has perfect pitch. Have you asked him?” Hongjoong had still not turned around to face him.

He expected that kind of response from Hongjoong. But since he had nothing to lose…might as well be as stubborn as possible. “Well if Jongho has perfect pitch why do I always see you helping him then? He shouldn’t need any help if he has perfect pitch.” 

At that, he finally turned around to look at him with an eerily even face, but with just a twinge of amusement in his eyes. “Well, I guess I have extra-perfect pitch then.”

Seonghwa let out a scoff at the joke. “So, you’ll help me then?”

The amusement in his eyes gone, he turned his attention back to his clothes. “Jongho is a more experienced vocalist. I am sure he would be happy to help his hyung.”

Because Hongjoong couldn’t see Seonghwa’s reaction, Seonghwa took the opportunity to drop his mouth open in shock at Hongjoong’s blatant avoidance of him. As the essential leader of the trainees, as the most talented musician there, as someone who coached literally everyone else, and especially as Seonghwa’s roommate, surely Hongjoong would want to help him out. The only logical reason for why he wouldn’t want to help him was…that Hongjoong hated him. It was the final data point that Seonghwa needed. Hongjoong hated him. And well. Now he was starting to hate Hongjoong too. Might as well.

Without even thinking, Seonghwa mumbled under his breath: “Alrighty then, I see how it is.”

Only, it was so quiet in their dorm room (like it always was), that him mumbling seemed to echo, causing Hongjoong to turn around once again. Only this time, his face was softer than he’d ever seen it before around him.

“Seonghwa-sshi, I was not trying to be rude. I just think that Jongho would be more of a help to you.”

“Well, maybe I want your help and not Jongho’s.”

Hongjoong hesitated and looked down at his feet. “And maybe I do not have time to coach the younger boys and you too.”

Seonghwa hated that Hongjoong made a valid point. He hated that Hongjoong wouldn’t look at him while he said it. He hated that Hongjoong spoke to him formally. He hated that Hongjoong went back to tending to his clothes like they were both on perfectly fine terms. He hated that Hongjoong never returned that night after doing his laundry.

He hated Hongjoong.

*

Busy hating Hongjoong, Seonghwa didn’t speak to him for several days. He took shorter showers so they wouldn’t have to communicate about shower times, he suddenly became very invested in reading some mangas he borrowed from San, he avoided sitting next to Hongjoong during mealtimes, and he ghosted him in their group chat.

The silent treatment was going great until he came out of their bathroom after taking a nightly shower to find Hongjoong lying in his bunk, his back facing Seonghwa and the rest of the room.

He had actually been enjoying the fact that Hongjoong seemed to sleep anywhere else but their dorm room, so the odd sight made him stop in his tracks. Not expecting him, he hadn’t changed and only had a towel wrapped around his waist.

Blinded by the embarrassment and shock of seeing Hongjoong (and being in just a towel), Seonghwa gave a hasty bow and stammered: “Oh, sorry Hongjoong-sshi, my apologies.” And apparently the embarrassment rattled him so much he defaulted into speaking formally. 

Not wanting to linger on his spastic, cringey thing behavior, he beelined towards his closet to grab his clothes. He hoped that Hongjoong was asleep, and a very deep sleeper at that.

But Hongjoong wasn’t asleep. Because Seonghwa heard a quiet voice say: “Wow, I have made you hate me so much that now you are talking formally to me.”

Seonghwa’s hurried actions in his closet slowed. He put down his clothes and turned around to see Hongjoong had flipped around his bunk and was staring at him with wide eyes.

Well, for a couple of seconds.

As soon as the two made eye contact, Hongjoong’s gaze quickly averted down to his blanket.

However, Seonghwa’s gaze didn’t leave. He instead observed how small Hongjoong looked curled up in his bunk - his head hanging low, hair disheveled, face pale. His immediate concern was that he looked almost sick.

“Hey, are you alright?”

Hongjoong shook his head no but didn’t say anything else.

Seonghwa clutched his towel tightly around his waist. His hair was still dripping a bit on his shoulders, giving him chills.

Hongjoong had said that Seonghwa hated him. Sure, he hated Hongjoong. But only because Hongjoong hated him first. Right? But now, Seonghwa didn’t know what to think. Because the way Hongjoong was acting…it seemed like he didn’t hate Seonghwa at all. Which led to him being even more confused. Why act like such a cold asshole for so long? Nothing made sense.

What Seonghwa did know was that Hongjoong looked pitiful. And Seonghwa might have been the cause of that. Unlike Hongjoong who went about life not caring about how he made Seonghwa feel, Seonghwa never wanted to make anyone feel bad…even Hongjoong.

“I don’t hate you…you know.”

At his admission, Hongjoong’s face jerked upward to look at him once more.

Seonghwa let out a sigh and forced a half-smile. “I actually thought that you hated me.”

“Me?” It was apparently Hongjoong’s turn to be confused. So confused in fact that he sat up in bed. “I definitely do not hate you.”

“Well see, right there!” he gestured his hand towards Hongjoong. “Why do you talk to me like that?”

“Like what, _polite_?”

“No, formal! I’ve told you before, you don’t have to speak to me like that. We’re the same age. We’re roommates. We’re both trainees. I don’t understand.”

Hongjoong opened his mouth and shut it again a few times before stuttering out: “I…I…I don’t know. I’m not trying to be rude.” 

“Well refusing to listen to me is rude.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Hongjoong sighed.

Seonghwa shook his head and glanced around the room. “Is it that hard to try to be my friend?”

“Look…” he looked down at his lap and seemed almost at a loss for words. “I’ve never had a roommate before. I…I don’t know how I’m supposed to act.”

“Just act comfortably,” he said like it was obvious.

His voice got softer: “Well what if I don’t feel comfortable?”

“Why don’t you feel comfortable?”

His face looked pained as he grimaced. “Nothing feels comfortable here…it’s not just you.”

“Well I don’t feel very comfortable either…especially when my roommate keeps calling me Seonghwa-sshi,” he quirked a smile. And he really didn’t feel comfortable all the time. He was far away from his hometown, around practical strangers the majority of his day, sleeping three feet apart from another practical stranger…nothing about being a trainee was comfortable.

But out of all of the people there, Seonghwa had thought Hongjoong would have been the most comfortable. With all of the constant confidence Hongjoong exuded, with him being a trainee the longest, he thought that to Hongjoong, all of this would be second nature. But just like how he had wrongly assumed Hongjoong hated him, he had also wrongly assumed about that too.

When Hongjoong looked back up at Seonghwa and returned his small smile, Seonghwa thought that maybe they did have a lot in common.

“Seonghwa-yah, will you be my friend?” he asked.

“Hm….I’ll have to think about it, Hongjoong-ah,” Seonghwa teased.

Hongjoong’s small smile grew bigger.

*

Seonghwa knew that he and Hongjoong weren’t really friends yet, but they were something at least. They talked a bit more in their dorm room and would collectively roll their eyes whenever one of the younger boys did something silly.

But Seonghwa thought that they had really made a step forward when Hongjoong asked him if he still wanted help with his vocal verses.

And that was how Seonghwa saw Hongjoong’s practical bedroom: his practice room. Technically it didn’t have Hongjoong’s name on it, but it might as well have since he never really left there. There was a piano, Hongjoong’s Macbook, some audio equipment, and a fluffy quilt and pillow in the corner.

“Ah, so this is where he sleeps every night,” Seonghwa pointedly looked at the sad, makeshift cot.

Embarrassed, Hongjoong gave a little chuckle and kicked the quilt and pillow further into the corner. “It’s only for when I’m too tired to go back to the dorms.”

“Which is every night it seems,” he said.

“Anyways,” Hongjoong quickly changed the subject. He sat down at the piano and started pressing buttons and dials. “Let’s get to work.”

There wasn’t any other seat than the bench at the piano, so Seonghwa sat down next to Hongjoong. Except the seat was small and Hongjoong exclaimed a soft “oh!” when Seonghwa sat down, their arms and thighs touching one another. “Sorry,” Hongjoong murmured and scooted further down, creating space in between them.

“I can stand if it’s easier,” Seonghwa offered since he noticed Hongjoong was leaning precariously away from him.

“No, no, I won’t make you stand the whole time. This is fine. I’m comfortable.” At that last comment, Hongjoong looked over at him with a smile in his eyes. “Are you comfortable?”

Seonghwa laughed. “Oh very. But you probably won’t be as comfortable anymore whenever you hear my singing.”

“No,” he grew serious. “Everyone has the ability to sing. It’s just like talking.”

“Yeah, and some people talk better than others,” he quipped.

“I don’t think I see it like that. I think that as long as you’re communicating what you feel, and people hear and understand you, that that’s all that matters.” As if to further drive home his point, Hongjoong quickly played a couple of chords on the piano.

Seonghwa studied him closely. Usually his energy was always projected outwards. With the group, Hongjoong was the brightest person in the room. But here in the practice room he was very quiet. And yet…somehow just as bright. 

“You don’t play, do you?” Hongjoong said.

“No, not really.” Which was probably bad of him. He should learn how to play. Especially if he could learn how to be as effortless with the keys as Hongjoong. He made it look easy.

“Well this how you can learn how to get perfect pitch. Or close to it at least.” Hongjoong started playing a scale slowly. He continued to talk: “Once you learn how every note sounds then you can hear it in your head before you sing.”

And then he played that same scale again, but this time he started to sing with the notes as the scale climbed upwards.

“So then you could do this,” Hongjoong said before opening his mouth wide and singing long and clear: “C!” After a few seconds he held the C on the piano, and sure enough, the notes were the same.

Seonghwa couldn’t help but start clapping as Hongjoong finished. Hongjoong played along and bowed and said: “Thank you, thank you, sorry no autographs today, thank you.”

Seonghwa then put a few of his fingers on the piano, feeling the keys but not pressing them down.

“Here, look, here’s an F major chord,” Hongjoong said.

Hongjoong pressed down keys with both of his hands, making a very full, satisfying sound. “It’s F, A, and C. Both hands to make it easy,” he explained. “You can do it there with the higher octaves.”

Seonghwa looked over at Hongjoong’s hands and then back at his own. Seonghwa fumbled with the keys. Like always, Hongjoong was making it look easy. “Um, hang on,” Seonghwa mumbled. He didn’t want to embarrass himself and press the wrong keys.

Hongjoong moved and suddenly Hongjoong’s hands were covering both of Seonghwa’s and guiding them to the right keys. Hongjoong pressed down on Seonghwa’s fingers and the same sound was emitted from the piano. “See, you can do it too,” Hongjoong smiled.

Both of them looked up from the keys at the same time, locking eyes with one another. Hongjoong quickly extracted his hands and looked away while laughing softly under his breath. “Anyways, you don’t have to learn piano to be a good singer, but it helps to be able to hear the notes and how they work with each other.”

Seonghwa noticed that after Hongjoong had moved down the bench to help him find the keys, he hadn’t moved back. Seonghwa could feel the warmth of Hongjoong’s thigh against his.

Hongjoong started to play around with the piano, flittering around with different chords and melodies. Except, he stopped when he heard Seonghwa say: “You know, you’re a great teacher, Hongjoong-ah. You do this with all the others? No wonder you said you didn’t have time to coach me.”

“Oh, no, I only do this for my roommates,” he smiled.

And perhaps that was the definition of the start of a friendship. Having something with the person that no one else had. 

*

Every so often, Hongjoong wouldn’t stay in the practice room all night. He’d come back home at a late, but still decent hour, and he and Seonghwa would watch some TV or play a game or just eat junk food.

Over the next several months, Seonghwa started learning a lot about Hongjoong from these late-night hangouts. He learned that Hongjoong loved to tease him and give him a hard time. He learned that even though Hongjoong’s clothes seemed chaotic and half-hazard, he actually put a lot of care and thought into them. He learned that Hongjoong whined whenever anything was too spicy. He learned that Hongjoong had a bad habit of biting his lips and tried to stop with no avail. He learned that Hongjoong didn’t have any girlfriends in school, unlike Seonghwa. He learned that Hongjoong’s hands were very small and very adorable (but you didn’t tell him that because he got angry). He learned that Hongjoong’s mother and father had gotten divorced when he was younger, and that he hadn’t spoken to his father in years.

And he was pleased to learn that Hongjoong did actually think that Seonghwa was funny. Except, it was nothing he ever said that made Hongjoong laugh. It was always things that he did. Like cleaning the floors with a lint roller. Sticking out his tongue in the mirror. Pouting whenever Hongjoong won a game of cards. Screaming in horror when Yunho twerked. Hongjoong found all of that hysterical. Like with the others, Hongjoong would giggle really loud and even sometimes clap his small hands together. Seonghwa liked it when he did that.

They were slowly, but surely, growing closer. It was nothing like the relationships Seonghwa had with the younger boys, but he sort-of liked that it was different than the rest.

He thought that they made their biggest jump forward in America.

They were all crammed into this tiny little loft. Eight, and then nine, boys to just a mere few beds and couches. One bathroom. One huge disaster waiting to happen. The sleeping arrangements shifted around the first few nights. Some of the boys preferred sleeping with others (Yunho, Wooyoung, San), while others (himself, Jongho, Yeosang) preferred sleeping alone, and then there was everyone left who sort-of floated around from place to place. But once everyone settled in after those first few days, Seonghwa permanently had the first floor couch. Which was fine. He didn’t like sharing his bed with the rowdy younger boys anyways.

Hongjoong was small so it was verbally decided by everyone that he would just fit in with whatever bed or cot had room that particular night. But he never ended up in a bed or a cot. At least, not that Seonghwa ever saw. Whenever Seonghwa fell asleep Hongjoong was still up, sitting in the closet laboring over his Macbook. And then the next morning whenever he woke up, Hongjoong was already fidgeting around the room.

Usually Seonghwa was tired after their long days, so he fell asleep quickly once his head hit that couch. But one night he tossed and turned. He kept hearing some of the other boys whispering, his neck was aching from the hard couch, and his mind wouldn’t stop racing from the full day of dance lessons. His train of thought slowly evolved from thinking over the choreography they had learned to thinking about what he wanted to wear in the morning to thinking about the Hongjoong sleeping arrangement mystery. Annoyed with tossing and turning, Seonghwa thought that he might as well solve the mystery once and for all.

Very softly, he sat up on the couch and tried to look around the almost pitch-dark room. The only light that streamed in was from the corners of the blinds. It was impossible to see if one of the forms on the bed next to the couch was him.

The easiest way to check if he had made it to bed was to check the closet. So, Seonghwa got up from the couch and carefully dodged all of the mess that lay on the floor in the quest to reach the closet. He had to move slowly, running his hands across the furniture and the walls to help guide him.

But eventually he made it to the closed closet door. The closed door was a good sign that he was no longer in the closet slaving away on more songs. But just to double check, Seonghwa fumbled around, found the handle, and slid open the closet door. 

“Mm?” A groan and some rustling came from within the dark closet.

“Hongjoong-ah?” Seonghwa whispered.

“Hm? Seonghwa-yah?” It sounded like Seonghwa had woken him up...from a deep sleep in a damn closet.

“Are you asleep in the closet?” he whispered incredulously.

“Nah,” Hongjoong yawned, “I just dozed off for a bit.”

“For fuck’s sake, get up and come to bed. That’s ridiculous. Have you been sleeping here every night?”

“No, I’m fine, it’s just because I’ve been working late,” he whispered back.

A bright light flickering on momentarily stunned Seonghwa and he stumbled back a step. Once his eyes adjusted, he saw Hongjoong’s shadowed figure holding his Macbook in his lap. The screen looked like it was displaying some music editing software.

“What time is it?” Seonghwa whispered.

“Almost three.” Hongjoong rubbed his eye with one hand and tapped some keys with another.

He leaned down and whispered fiercely: “Will you quit that and come to bed? We have to be up at six.”

“I’m almost done, I was just taking a break. I’ll come to bed once I’m done.”

“You know, I have a strange feeling you’ve been sleeping in there every night.”

Hongjoong looked up from his Macbook. “Well I…I don’t want to disturb anyone by coming to bed so late.” 

“Well it’s a good thing I’m up now. Come on. You can sleep with me.” Seonghwa waved his hand in a ‘come on’ motion.

“You sleep on the couch.”

“I’ll make room. Now let’s go before we wake other people up.”

“But I -”

He sighed heavily. “Hongjoong-ah, please come to bed.”

Hongjoong paused for a moment, but then finally relented: “Okay fine, let me just make sure all of this is saved.”

Seonghwa waited while Hongjoong finished up and then they made the blind, clumsy journey back to the couch, Hongjoong holding onto the hem of Seonghwa’s shirt along the way.

Wordlessly, Seonghwa guided Hongjoong to a lying position on the couch. Then came the jigsaw puzzle. Trying to get Seonghwa on the couch too. Using his hands to feel where Hongjoong was (his front facing the back of the couch and his back facing Seonghwa), Seonghwa tried to lay next to him, only to find that his legs and arms didn’t fit on the couch.

“Hang on,” Hongjoong whispered. “Get up. I’m smaller so I should be on the outside.”

Agreeing with him, they both got off the couch. Seonghwa laid down in the same way Hongjoong had. And then Hongjoong followed suit. He laid down with his back to Seonghwa’s, only to fall off with a “oof!”

Seonghwa turned around and immediately shushed him.

“This isn’t going to work,” Hongjoong whispered from the floor. “It’s okay, I’ll just sleep right here.”

“No, it’s because we’re trying with our backs to each other. If you put your back against my front we’ll fit,” he whispered.

“ _Excuse me_?”

“Will you shush and just come back up here. It’s just for a couple of hours.”

Hongjoong didn’t respond, so Seonghwa reached over the end of the couch and searched until he found Hongjoong’s arm. He started to tug and eventually Hongjoong conceded, climbing back onto the couch.

They both slid backwards until Seonghwa’s back hit the end of the couch and Hongjoong’s back hit Seonghwa’s chest. From what Seonghwa could sense, they just barely fit. Except, from how stiff Hongjoong was, Seonghwa could tell he was uncomfortable for other reasons. For one, how extremely close they were.

With nowhere else to put his arms, Seonghwa’s right arm was underneath Hongjoong and his left was resting on top of his waist. With how close Seonghwa’s head was to Hongjoong’s, Hongjoong could probably feel his breath on his ear.

Hongjoong had explained to the boys early on that he didn’t particularly care for familiar touching. It was rare if you ever saw him hugging, embracing, or touching the other boys at all. So Seonghwa couldn’t even imagine what Hongjoong was thinking then. Even Seonghwa himself, who enjoyed all of those types of physicality, had never been this close to any of the others before.

“Hongjoong-ah? Are you alright?” he murmured. “If this isn’t okay, you can have the couch and I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“No, this is fine. I’m comfortable,” He could barely hear Hongjoong’s voice due to how soft it was. Except, clear as day, he did hear Hongjoong let out a soft exhale, and his body somehow magically relaxed.

And somehow magically, Seonghwa was suddenly waking up to sunlight streaming through the blinds while feeling incredibly warm, only to remember that him and Hongjoong had shared the couch. The two of them hadn’t moved through those few hours of sleep and Hongjoong still seemed to be asleep.

Seonghwa lifted his head to see if any of the other boys were up and moving around yet. He wasn’t particularly embarrassed about having slept beside Hongjoong, but he figured that Hongjoong wouldn’t want to be teased about it until the end of the century. (While Seonghwa was used to being relentlessly teased by the others.)

Lucky for them, everyone was still asleep.

Seonghwa turned his attention to Hongjoong, who very clearly was deep in sleep from the way his mouth was open. For just a moment, he hesitated waking him up. He knew that Hongjoong probably hadn’t been getting any meaningful sleep recently. And well, after days upon days of seeing Hongjoong working nonstop, being stressed, and minding very carefully over the others, it was a nice change to see him in a state of such stillness.

Despite all of that, he rocked his body very gently against Hongjoong’s. “Hongjoong-ah, time to wake up,” he whispered.

Hongjoong’s mouth closed, his head turned against the couch, and he let out a soft “nnnnng” noise.

“So was that more comfortable than the closet?” Seonghwa asked.

Hongjoong moved his head to look back at Seonghwa. He had his usual bags under his eyes, most definitely, but to Seonghwa at least, he looked more well rested than usual. “Nah, I think I prefer the closet,” he teased.

Seonghwa rolled his eyes and shoved Hongjoong playfully off the couch. The loud thud Hongjoong made and his subsequent giggles woke the rest of the boys up.

*

They slept like that the rest of the time in America.

(One morning the other boys discovered them still snuggled up asleep and proceeded to bully them both relentlessly. Seonghwa begged them half-good-naturedly and half-seriously to stop the teasing, but oddly enough, Hongjoong didn’t seem bothered by it at all. Beyond a blush or a hand over his eyes, he didn’t react at all. Which made Seonghwa start to wonder why he was much more insecure about the teasing than Hongjoong, especially since Seonghwa was the one who was supposed to be more comfortable with touching.)

When they got back to Korea, everything went back to normal…sort-of.

Well, Hongjoong went back to calling Seonghwa “Seonghwa-sshi.” He kept the informality, which was good, but Seonghwa couldn’t help but wonder if the change had something to do with America. Was their sleeping arrangement too off-putting to Hongjoong? Did it make him not want to be that close to him anymore? Should Seonghwa have just left Hongjoong sleeping in that closet?

Seonghwa decided not to press the honorific issue since Hongjoong was being perfectly pleasant to him otherwise. Things at the company were starting to become busier as their impending debut ascended on them. Even still, Hongjoong made time to hang out with Seonghwa. Wanting to get away from everyone at the dorm, they started venturing out more. They’d go to the store together and get a bunch of junk food and ramen, go to look at clothes they couldn’t afford, or go to the arcade so they could both lose terribly at all the games.

One night they decided to take advantage of an easy day of practice and walk the streets of downtown Seoul. Even though it was almost summer, the night was still a bit chilly and Seonghwa was wrapped up in a light jacket while Hongjoong covered the majority of his face with a beanie. Even though it looked like his beanie pretty much blinded him from how far down it was on his forehead, Hongjoong still looked up at all the buildings as they walked.

Seonghwa snorted. “You’d think I was the one from Seoul and you were the one from the countryside by how you’re looking at everything.”

Hongjoong giggled and glanced over at him. “That’s funny. But I just like looking at all the lights.”

He hadn’t really given the lights of the city much thought, so he looked up at his surroundings. The streets themselves were so lit you almost forgot it was late at night. But looking up at the neon lights flickering and buzzing against the dark sky, he realized Hongjoong was onto something. None of the neon signs on the buildings matched - some were purple, yellow, red, green. But somehow they meshed into one cohesive picture of a place that looked loud, yet inviting.

“I wish we had more time to do stuff like this,” Hongjoong said.

Still looking up at the lights, he said: “Well, at least we’re doing it right now.”

“Yeah, we are.”

They found an empty bench on a more bustling part of the city. Their intent: people watching. One man bustled past them quickly with a large sack of groceries and a necktie dangling precariously from his neck.

“His wife’s not going to be happy,” Hongjoong motioned with his head over to the man as he sped away.

Seonghwa shook his head. “Mm, no, _he’s_ not going to be happy at _her_. She called him at the last minute and told him to pick up some groceries on the way home from the office.”

He laughed at that and clapped his hands. “He did look irritated, didn’t he?”

“Maybe she made him pick up some female products or something too.”

“Female products?”

He leaned over and shoved Hongjoong lightly. “You know what I mean!”

“Hm, I don’t think I do.”

Seonghwa’s eye caught a mother rolling a stroller through the crowd. He tsked under his breath. “It’s too late to have a baby out in this weather.”

  
He searched through the sea of people to find the stroller. “Maybe that’s the man’s wife. Maybe he was running from her!”

Seonghwa couldn’t help but to bust out laughing at that, and Hongjoong soon joined in. He leaned in closer to Seonghwa, his head just briefly resting on Seonghwa’s shoulder before he leaned away again.

After their laughter had worn off, they grew quiet as Seonghwa scowered the crowd for another victim of their mockery.

“Seonghwa-sshi, do you think we’ll make it?” he heard Hongjoong say.

Seonghwa looked down at his phone’s lock screen. “I guess it is kinda late, we can leave now if you want.”

“What? No, I mean…do you think we’ll make it? Like make it big?”

He turned towards Hongjoong to find him fiddling with some of his rings. “Hm…well,” Seonghwa stopped to think for a moment before continuing: “I don’t know. Well…I’m more worried about me and the others than you to be honest.”

“What do you mean?” Hongjoong shoved his hands back in his jacket pockets and met Seonghwa’s gaze.

“There’s no way you won’t make it big. You’re too talented for that. And you’ve worked so hard. Life isn’t that unfair,” he explained.

And he meant what he said. Hongjoong was one of those people you could look at and tell that they were made to be famous. And not just like, “yeah, he’s got some good music” famous. No, more like, “this person is a god” famous. He seemed to be good at everything, had a very distinct style, a hard-working attitude, and never rubbed anyone the wrong way. (Well, except Seonghwa at first, but they were past that he hoped.)

Hongjoong dipped his chin down. “Well, I don’t know about that. But we’re either all going to become big or none of us will. It’s not just me doing this. We’re a team.”

Oh, yet another thing about Hongjoong that made him such a loveable, destined-for-greatness person: his loyalty and dedication. If Seonghwa didn’t admire him so much he would be jealous of him. “Yeah, we’re a team,” Seonghwa smiled at him.

“And we help each other, yes? We all try our best and help the others be their best too.”

Seonghwa chuckled a bit. “I’m confused, I thought you were asking for my thoughts? And now somehow you’re the one giving _me_ the comforting words.”

“Hm,” Hongjoong bit his lip. “I guess so…” his voice trailed off.

Seonghwa felt like he had taken the conversation in the wrong direction. Clearly, Hongjoong was the one who needed more reassurance. And because Seonghwa said that he was more worried about the others, Hongjoong had gone back to his normal habit of helping everyone else before himself. Seonghwa had the pivot the conversation back around. “The rest of us are worried too, you know,” he said. “Or, scared might be a better word.”

“I’m just…ah,” Hongjoong sighed and shook his head. “I just don’t want all of our hard work to be wasted. I don’t want us to debut and then just…disappear.”

He clicked his tongue. “You know I believe in karma.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I think that if we try our best, love what we do, and treat everyone with kindness, that karma will reward us successful. Whatever that entails. No matter how many records or concert seats we sell. We’ll be successful in our own right.”

Hongjoong nodded his head and then looked up at all the lights shimmering around them. “I want to dream big, but the higher the climb the harder the fall, you know?”

Seonghwa didn’t have a good response to that. He figured if they dreamt big and failed it would be disappointing, but if they dreamt small and succeeded, that they would never have a chance to be big. Instead he just mindlessly agreed with a “Yeah” while he stared at Hongjoong who seemingly was off in his own world.

And since they were talking about deeper things than they normally did, the “Seonghwa-sshi” issue immediately came to his mind. He figured that since Hongjoong was being so open with him right now, maybe he’d explain to him why he had gone back to referring to him formally.

“Hongjoong-ah?” he spoke up softly. “Why did you start referring to me as Seonghwa-sshi again?”

That brought Hongjoong’s attention away from the city and back to Seonghwa. “Can I be honest?”

Well, that was never something good to hear. “Sure,” Seonghwa shrugged with a small pit in his stomach.

“I don’t like calling you Seonghwa-yah.”

“Why?” Even with all of the relationship bonding they had done, Hongjoong still didn’t see Seonghwa as a close friend?

“It isn’t because I don’t see us as friends, because I am your friend now. I hope at least,” Hongjoong laughed nervously, reading Seonghwa’s mind. “I just…I refer to all the other boys that way. And don’t get me wrong, I see them as equals in a sense of we’re a team and we all work together. But…ahhh, how do I explain this?” He shook his head and tugged a bit on his beanie. “I’m the leader. But, since you’re the oldest, you’re also a leader too. So we’re equals in a sense of, we take care of everyone. And more importantly…you help to take care of me.”

Hongjoong paused and a heaviness fell onto them. “It felt wrong for me to refer to you in the same way I refer to the other boys,” he finally continued. “I know that might not make a lot of sense, but that’s the way I see it anyways.”

It was different. And Seonghwa didn’t know if he liked that, or even fully believed Hongjoong’s explanation. But Hongjoong wasn’t a normal type of person. With his numerous piercings and artsy shoes, Seonghwa realized that he shouldn’t have expected anything else from him. And he supposed that he had to be fine with that.

Did it bother him that Hongjoong didn’t like calling him Seonghwa-yah? Yes. But at the same time, Hongjoong was singling him out as special by referring him differently than the others. Perhaps this was Hongjoong’s way of being close to him. His way of being partners.

“No, that makes sense,” Seonghwa nodded. “You see us as equals.”

“Yes. I know I’m technically the leader, but I want your input on things. I want us to manage the younger boys as a team. Is that okay?” he looked expectantly at him.

Seonghwa gave him a reassuring smile. “Yes, that’s okay. Is it okay if I still call you Hongjoong-ah though?”

He tried to read Hongjoong’s reaction to try and gauge how he truly felt about it and not how he was just going to politely respond. But, Hongjoong put on a smile and Seonghwa couldn’t decide how genuine it was. “Yes, of course. I don’t mind.”

*

Seonghwa might have been acting overdramatically…but he wanted to die. It was the worst day of his life. He wanted to curl up in some dark corner and never come out again. He wanted to purge his name from the earth and make everyone forget he ever existed. He had never been so embarrassed, ashamed, and humiliated. He felt like he had gone through hours of torture and came out a worse man for it.

Their first debut recording session went fine. While recording “Treasure” there weren’t any cameras shoved in his face, there weren’t as many people in the room, he had plenty of time to practice his lines, and Hongjoong had helped him figure out how to hit the notes consistently.

But “Pirate King” was the complete opposite. Tons of cameras, tons of people, very little time to practice, and no Hongjoong. He felt confident right up until he stepped into the booth. Then came the shitshow. He hit every wrong note as humanly possible, he felt oddly sweaty and shaky, he couldn’t even think straight to try and make any corrections, and the whole ordeal was caught on camera for their reality show. It was hard trying to read the lyrics, focus on hitting the right notes, and attempting to ignore the cameras all while fighting the burning, frustrated tears that brimmed at the back of eyes.

The whole world was going to know he was the weak link, just like he had feared. That he was there to just be a visual and nothing more. Everyone else, even Yeosang, breezed through their recordings and Seonghwa felt like his took an hour. Once he was finished, he could sense the quietness and tension in the room. Not many of the others would look at him. They knew. They knew he fucking sucked. As everyone else finished with theirs, he hid behind his lyric pages, closed his eyes, and tried very hard not to just sob right there. He had already apologized a hundred times over to Eden-hyung and the rest of the production team, but he felt like he owed every one of his members an apology too for bringing the whole team down.

He stayed mostly silent the rest of the ride home and thankfully, no one brought it up. Once back at the dorms, while everyone else began rummaging around for dinner, he told everyone that he was going to take a shower and proceeded to take solace in him and Hongjoong’s room.

After holding in his tears for so many hours, it felt good to curl up on his top bunk and slowly let them all out. He didn’t understand where everything had gone so wrong. He had never struggled this much before in his life. He was always pretty good at school, had lots of friends, picked up dancing fairly easily. But he began to wonder how he had even made it past the first audition at all. He didn’t deserve to be there, that much was clear.

As he was crying, he kept his face turned into his pillow to try and muffle the sound - the last thing he wanted was for one of the boys to wander in there and try to comfort him. It wasn’t a good look for a hyung to be so weak and useless.

He hadn’t cried this hard in such a long time. He knew that whenever he finally stopped his face would be swollen, red, and puffy. But even his vanity couldn’t force him to stop.

He knew that if his parents were there they would tell him that he just needed to work harder. But in all honesty, Seonghwa didn’t see much a point. Hongjoong had been helping him on his voice and tone so much, along with the other teachers, and it all to no avail. He hadn’t improved at all. Still practically tone deaf.

Suddenly he heard a knock at the door and his sobs reactively cut off. He turned his head towards the closed door.

“Seonghwa-hyung, are you finished with your shower? We have saved you some food,” he heard San say.

Shit, he had to make his voice seem like he hadn’t been blubbering for thirty minutes. He swiped at his eyes a few times and sniffled a bit before calling out: “I’m not very hungry! I think I’ll just stay in here and clean a bit!”

Clean a bit? Yep. His cover was that he was showering and then cleaning a bit. Nice going, Seonghwa. He couldn’t even fucking lie correctly.

“Oh…okay,” San said and then he heard his footsteps pad away. It was then followed by some murmuring commotion that he couldn’t quite make out. He imagined that they were onto his charade. Was he really going to have to climb down his bunk, put on a mask to cover his red nose, and start sweeping up to make them leave him alone?

“Cleaning? Yeah okay,” he then heard Hongjoong’s voice carry from outside in the hall. Footsteps approaching followed.

He realized that there was not enough time to put on a show of pretending to be perfectly fine and having a grand ole’ time sweeping up. So, he was left with nothing else but to throw his blanket over his head just as someone, who he presumed to be Hongjoong, opened their door and closed it behind them.

“Seonghwa-sshi.”

Seonghwa couldn’t decide if he would have preferred Hongjoong to be the one to find him like this or one of the younger boys. He supposed Hongjoong was actually probably the worst-case scenario. The last thing he wanted to be around right then was someone that was naturally good at everything. Unlike himself, who seemed to be naturally bad at everything.

He tried to suppress a sniffle when he said: “Okay, I lied about the cleaning. I’m actually not feeling very well and don’t want to get anyone else sick. I just didn’t want to worry anyone.”

“You know, you’re a terrible liar,” he heard Hongjoong say.

“I’m not lying. T.M.I. but I just threw up in the bathroom. Very deathly ill over here. You need to stay far away from me. Tell the others too.” 

“Okay, okay, nice acting chops. Now come down here and talk to me.”

“No thank you,” Seonghwa replied.

“Seonghwa-yah,” Hongjoong said sharply. “Come down.”

Hearing Hongjoong address him like that made the hairs on his arms stand up. For a moment, he was speechless. For a moment, he wanted to obey him. But, he was the older one here, so he didn’t necessarily have to. “ _Hongjoong-ah_ , I said no thank you.”

He heard Hongjoong sigh and then suddenly the bunk bed was shaking and the rails were rattling as Hongjoong climbed up the ladder to the upper bunk.

Shocked, Seonghwa threw his blanket off of him and came to meet Hongjoong’s gaze as he crouched down by Seonghwa’s feet. “What do you think you’re doing?”

It was very easy to read Hongjoong’s face as he got his first look at Seonghwa post-emotional breakdown. His face softened and he murmured, “You’ve been crying.”

Seonghwa groaned in humiliation and tossed the blanket back over his head as he laid back down. “No, I’m sick.”

“I know what you’re upset about, and it’s gonna be okay,” he said gently.

Seonghwa squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself to just die right then and there. “Please just go away.”

Without Hongjoong even saying anything to warn him, Seonghwa was horrified as he felt Hongjoong crawl up his legs before he yanked back the blanket, laid down next to Seonghwa, and pulled the blanket up over them both.

With both of them in the bunk lying next to each other, they had just a bit more room than they had back on the sofa in America, but not much.

“Um,” Seonghwa said, still stunned from the very out-of-character behavior from Hongjoong.

“Is this okay?” he asked him, which Seonghwa thought was funny since he was asking him after the fact.

“You know, you better hope I’m not actually sick,” he joked.

“I’ll take the chance,” Hongjoong said. “But I figured you wouldn’t want me to be able to see you when I tell you that there’s no reason to be upset.”

“You could’ve told me that over text,” he pointed out.

“Yes, but I know you’re always telling me that I’m not…” Hongjoong’s voice lowered, “physical enough with you. And I want to make you feel better.”

He was speechless for a moment. Hongjoong was putting so much effort into making Seonghwa feel better. And he didn’t even deserve it. “Well, I appreciate it then. Thank you.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t say more to you while we were in the recording studio. But I didn’t want to make you feel any worse.”

A shot of embarrassing cringe coursed through his body at the mention of the disastrous recording session. “It was impossible for me to feel any worse than I already did.”

Hongjoong must have turned his head towards Seonghwa because he could feel his breath as he said: “I know you don’t like how things went in the recording today, but please don’t give up. We all have days like that.”

He snorted. “Some more than others.”

“Please don’t say things like that. There are loads of things you’re better at than me. There’s no sense in comparing.”

“Like what? Hongjoongie, you’re good at literally everything.” And Seonghwa couldn’t think of a single thing he was particularly good at. He supposed he was more handsome than the average Korean, but that wasn’t anything he had control over. And he would eventually get old and ugly. Hongjoong would be talented for forever.

“I worked my ass off though. I sucked at everything at first. Dancing, writing music, rapping. And I’m still not where I want to be. But I’m getting better every day. And so will you.”

“But I am working hard. What do you do if you just don’t have what it takes?” Seonghwa asked. Hongjoong had way too much hope in him.

“We all believe in you…I believe in you. Please don’t give up.”

Tears began to prick at Seonghwa’s eyes at the kind words, and he was grateful for the darkness they lay in. He opened his mouth to reply but found that his throat started to tighten. Upon fear his voice would crack or otherwise give away his rise in emotion, he chose not to say anything.

He heard some movement from Hongjoong and he felt the back of Hongjoong’s cold hand on his cheek. “Are you crying again?” he whispered.

His head jerked back at the coldness of Hongjoong’s hand, and yet inexplicably, his own hand rose up to cover Hongjoong’s, keeping it safely on his cheek. “No, I think you’ve made me feel a bit better.”

One of Hongjoong’s fingers squeezed Seonghwa’s hand before Hongjoong slowly retracted his hand from his face. “Good. Will you come eat some dinner now?”

Even though Seonghwa felt better, he still didn’t want to face the others. He knew none of them would mention any of the day’s events, but just looking at their faces, knowing that they all knew about the emotional implosion he had…his embarrassment limit had been reached for the day. “Can you bring some food in here for me?”

Hongjoong knocked his head lightly against Seonghwa’s. “Sure. We had some fried chicken, but I don’t think you’d like that. I think I’ll bring you some instant noodles instead.”

He sat up straight in the bed, tossing the blanket off of them both. “What?! No, I love fried chicken!”

Hongjoong burst out into laughter. His hair was disheveled from being under the blanket.

“Ugh, you’re the worst,” Seonghwa rolled his eyes. “That’s it, off the bed,” he pointed.

“You better be nice to me if you want fried chicken,” he said as he began to crawl down the bunk.

“Oh, Kim Hongjoong-nim, you are so amazing, a king amongst peasants, the best composer of our generation, the strongest leader K-pop has ever seen,” Seonghwa used exaggerated formality.

Hongjoong paused on the ladder and smirked up at him. “That’s more like it.”

Dutifully, he returned with fried chicken and they spent of the night watching videos on Hongjoong’s Macbook. Hongjoong promised him that he’d really help him on his vocals for their next recording and Seonghwa figured that it might not be the worst day of his life after all.

*

Seonghwa and Hongjoong only grew closer after that. Hongjoong had kept his word and helped him on his vocals for the rest of the songs on their debut album. In return, Seonghwa helped him care for all of the other boys, ensuring their debut went as smoothly as possible. Which it did. Some of the boys like Mingi and San claimed that they knew all along that they’d be successful. But Seonghwa knew that none of them expected the public response that they got. They all believed that they’d debut quietly, sell maybe a couple thousand albums, and be pleased with that.

They ended up selling over 7,000 albums and garnered enough attention that KQ held a fan meeting.

Hongjoong was jittering the moment they arrived in the back of the meeting hall. “How many people do you think there’ll be?” he said to Seonghwa while the others chattered loudly about how excited they were.

“Oh, I’m sure there’ll be a good amount,” he nodded. He knew the company wouldn’t hold a fan meeting for just a dozen fans. There would probably be at least fifty people there.

He bounced anxiously on his heels. “What if only a few people show up?” Hongjoong asked.

Seonghwa couldn’t help but grin at Hongjoong’s nervousness. It was rare to see him this way. Normally he had excitable energy when it came to their other schedules, like performing and photoshoots. But not energy like this. Hongjoong seemed…scared. “People will come, Hongjoong-ah.” He gave him a reassuring smile.

And they did. And there was about a hundred. Even though Seonghwa logically knew that there would be that many, he was still blown away when he walked out and saw all their fans cheering and waving and looking at them like they were…well…idols.

They had fans. Real fans.

To none of the others’ surprise, Yunho cried. The crowd went “awh” as the rest of the group teased him about it. He was always the more sensitive one.

If any of them had anxious energy before getting on the stage, it had all dissipated by the time they got off. They were all talking loudly as they drank water and ate snacks, saying things like: “Can you believe it?” “All those people!” “Did you hear the one who kept shouting my name?” “I can’t wait to call my parents” “It’s like we’re superstars now.” Any tears that they had had all dried. It was all pure excitement now for what was to come in their future.

With all the commotion, it took Seonghwa a moment to realize that Hongjoong was no longer in the group cluster. He tapped Yeosang’s shoulder. “Have you seen Hongjoong?”

Yeosang went “hm?” and proceeded to look for Hongjoong as well. “Maybe he went to the bathroom.”

Seonghwa supposed that was possible. But something still irked him about it. He figured he could probably use a bathroom break too, and he decided that that was why he was going off to search for Hongjoong - not because he was worried about him or anything.

A staff member pointed him in the direction of the bathroom, and it didn’t take him long to find Hongjoong hovering in front of the bathroom door, with his front facing a corner in the wall. “Hongjoong-ah, there you are,” Seonghwa said.

When Hongjoong turned around, Seonghwa realized that he had never seen Hongjoong cry. Sure, maybe some stray tears here and there. But not like how he was crying then. He attempted to cover his face with hands, but Seonghwa could still see how his chest shook and how red the tip of his nose was. A sharp jolt of pain ran down Seonghwa’s body. He was amazed how Hongjoong was crying so hard without making so much of a peep.

Without hesitation, Seonghwa rushed Hongjoong into a tight hug. Hongjoong still kept his face covered with his hands but rested them on Seonghwa’s arm. One of Seonghwa’s hands came up to hold the back of Hongjoong’s head.

“Hongjoongie, why are you crying? You’re supposed to be happy!”

Hongjoong half chuckled-half hiccupped. “I am happy.” His voice was thick and Seonghwa could hear the mucus lodged in his nose and throat. “But I started crying and now I can’t stop.” And then, it was like Hongjoong finally let go and released a loud, choked sob.

It almost hurt to hear. It was like hearing a child cry. You wanted the sound to stop, not because it was aggravating, but because you couldn’t stand to see someone so innocent in that much pain. “Sh, it’s going to be okay. The boys are over there celebrating. They’re all saying that we’re famous now. We’re going to be like BTS, except more handsome.” Seonghwa tried to joke with him, hoping that would help. (God forbid Wooyoung heard him say something like that.)

It did muster up another chuckle/hiccup from him, but his head still stayed buried in his hands.

Seonghwa reasoned if he kept talking, maybe Hongjoong’s attention would turn towards him and away from whatever he was thinking about that was causing him to cry. “You’ve worked really hard. We all have you to thank for all of this. For pushing us every day, and helping Wooyoung with his stage fright, and giving Mingi confidence in his raps, and comforting Jongho when he was homesick, and somehow curing my tone-deafness -”

It was then when Hongjoong cut him off. “You aren’t tone-deaf.” Hongjoong pulled his head away from his hands and Seonghwa froze. 

Girls were pretty and boys were handsome. Seonghwa thought it was simple. Engrained in him since birth and reaffirmed throughout his life. Girls were like cherry blossoms. Dainty, vibrant, soft, comforting, pretty. And boys were like the tree itself. Strong, necessary, dependable, tall, handsome.

But looking at Hongjoong, Seonghwa suddenly didn’t understand why boys couldn’t be cherry blossoms. Because Hongjoong was everything that the word pretty defined. Sure, his makeup was going to need some very generous touching up. But despite that, his eyebrows were raised and dainty, his eyes wide and vibrant, his face smooth and soft, his gaze inviting and comforting. He was pretty.

And Seonghwa forgot what they were talking about.

“Seonghwa-sshi?” Hongjoong said.

Seonghwa figured Hongjoong must have noticed that he was staring at him an awfully long amount of time. His face grew warm, and he probably blushed as he looked away. “So, um,” he struggled to get his mind back on the conversation. “Why could you not stop crying?”

Hongjoong began to shift in his arms and Seonghwa took that as an indication he didn’t want to be held anymore, so he dropped his arms and took a step back.

“I don’t really know, I guess,” Hongjoong said, by that point his tears had tapered off. He began wiping at the underneath of his eyes - an almost pointless task.

“Here,” he gestured to him with his hand.

Hongjoong took a step forward, knowing Seonghwa’s intent.

Seonghwa began to help him with wiping away some of the puddled eye makeup. It was something the members often did for one another, usually from the complications caused by sweat. But right then, especially since he kept confusing the words pretty and handsome in his head, it wasn’t anything like when he helped Yeosang or Jongho. Because there with Hongjoong, Seonghwa kept having to glance away. He worried that Hongjoong would know he was being weird inside his head, so Seonghwa had figure out a way to rationalize the weirdness out of his head.

Maybe if he started thinking about all the ways Hongjoong was handsome, not pretty, maybe that would allow him some sort of normal thinking.

Hongjoong was strong. That was the first time that Seonghwa had ever seen him cry, that must be something. That was a handsome trait to have.

“I just kept thinking about something,” Hongjoong murmured. “About how a few weeks ago I was wondering if this was all worth it.”

Thinking about Hongjoong crying diverted Seonghwa’s thoughts back to Hongjoong having big, welled-up tears in his pretty eyes. Scratch that. What else? Well, Hongjoong was a necessary aspect of their group. The first trainee. Their leader. He set the tone, kept them organized, focused them on their goals. Another handsome trait.

“A few weeks ago I was feeling so tired. And I…” His voice trailed off and Seonghwa glanced up from Hongjoong’s cheeks to lock eyes with him.

Big mistake. With Seonghwa so close to his face, leaned down to Hongjoong’s level, Hongjoong’s eyes were _right there_.

He wanted to look away. And normally, he would have. But Hongjoong’s eyes stayed on his. And somehow, Seonghwa knew that Hongjoong was finding their eye contact reassuring.

But the weird feelings still consumed Seonghwa’s thoughts.

Handsome. He had to think handsome.

Hongjoong was dependable. Always on time to rehearsals. Never sick. Always nearby if something ever went wrong. Never had one of those vocal off-days where for some reason you just couldn’t manage to hit a single note. Definitely a handsome trait.

“I imagined what it would be like to quit.” Hongjoong said lowly.

“Really?” Seonghwa was shocked.

“Not that I wanted to,” he rushed. “I just…it was one of those intrusive thoughts, you know?”

And Seonghwa did know. He was having intrusive thoughts as they spoke. Thoughts he desperately wanted rid of. Quickly, he thought to his list of handsome traits. What was left?

Tall.

Seonghwa was fucked.

Hongjoong was not tall. What Hongjoong _was_ was so dainty, and so vibrant, and so soft, and so comforting, and so pretty. And there was more. So lovely, and so kind, and so cute, and so sweet, and so small, and so precious, and so delicate, and so -

“Yes, I do know,” Seonghwa said. 

By that point, just adding to the ridiculousness of all of it, Seonghwa had stopped wiping away at Hongjoong’s cheeks, leaving them standing there, inches from each other’s noses, with his hands cupping Hongjoong’s face.

“And I guess…I guess I felt guilty for thinking all of those things. Because people _came_. And we’re gonna make it big.”

They were going to make it big. Seonghwa was convinced of it. And he was also convinced something was deeply wrong with him, since suddenly yet another unwelcome thought came over him.

He wanted to see Hongjoong cry again. Not sadistically of course, but just so Seonghwa could get to him faster and comfort him better and wipe away his tears more efficiently.

And it was Seonghwa’s turn to feel guilty.

*

Seonghwa couldn’t stop thinking about Hongjoong being pretty. Had he always looked like that? He couldn’t decide if something about Hongjoong had changed or something within him had. Because he definitely didn’t use to look like that.

He started looking around at some of the others. Maybe it was just all the makeup and clothes and jewelry that they were wore so often that was confusing him.

Wooyoung had very nice facial features. A strong jaw, nice lips, angular nose. But the more Seonghwa looked at him, the more he just saw Wooyoung as a specimen. He didn’t look at Wooyoung in the whole. He kept digesting him in parts without any emotion attached. The jaw, the lips, the nose. He nit-picked his face, trying to figure out why his face was so handsome to look at.

So he moved to Yeosang. Yeosang had gentler features like Hongjoong. And he had a very nice face shape. The ideal Korean shape. He had perfect eye proportions. A masculine mouth. Wore blonde hair well. The more Seonghwa looked at Yeosang, the more he wanted to pick apart his own face for not matching up enough to the handsome Korean standards.

Jongho was too strong to be pretty, Mingi was too cool, Yunho was too masculine, and San was too adorable. 

And Hongjoong was still pretty. To Seonghwa’s surprise, he wasn’t just pretty in performance makeup and outfits. No, Seonghwa shared a room with him and he was aggravatingly pretty all the time. In the morning, late at night, while studying English, while working on his Macbook, straight out of the shower…

Seonghwa needed affirmation that he wasn’t weird or losing his mind or…well, gay. Because he liked girls. He had girlfriends in school. Girls were pretty. He liked girls.

So why was Hongjoong pretty then?

Maybe he just had a feminine face. Maybe he was spending too much time with Hongjoong and not enough time with girls and this is how his desperation/loneliness/thirstiness was coming out. Or maybe, Hongjoong really was just pretty and everyone thought it too.

So, purely for research, Seonghwa approached Yunho about the issue. Other than Jongho, Yunho was probably the most “man’s man” out of them all there. Seonghwa felt that if Yunho also thought that Hongjoong was pretty, then it must be safe and it was probably just public opinion.

Coincidentally, Hongjoong’s birthday was the following week and the group had started brainstorming how they were going to celebrate it. It was the perfect time to bring the topic up.

Seonghwa, Yunho, and San were all sitting in the dorm living area on their phones, desperately scrolling through websites trying to think about what the perfect present would be. However, Seonghwa had already decided that he was going to conquer the “pretty problem” before he attempted to think about what he was going to get Hongjoong for his birthday.

“You think he would like a plushie?” San asked.

“Please no, he already has way too many as it is,” Seonghwa replied. Their room was already junky enough as it was. Not to mention, Hongjoong never tidied up the plushies he _did_ have.

“What about markers? He likes to draw on his shoes,” Yunho said.

“Hm, maybe,” Seonghwa shrugged.

“Well what are you getting him, Seonghwa-hyung? Since you are his roommate,” San said.

“It’s a surprise,” Seonghwa lied.

Yunho and San both looked at each other with a smirk. “Yeah, he doesn’t know either,” Yunho laughed.

San laughed as well and stood up from the couch. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

“Alright, thanks for telling us,” Yunho bid, looking back down at his phone.

San grumbled and shuffled out of the room.

Seonghwa raised his eyebrows. It couldn’t have been any better of a situation. Him and Yunho alone so none of the others could judge him on his strange thoughts about Hongjoong. He knew that he would have to get the conversation started fast before San came back. But he couldn’t just come out and ask: hEy, yUnhO-YAh, dO yoU tHINk HoNgJOOng iS PREttY?

No, he needed to be smart about it. Just kinda casually slide into the topic. There was no better way than to stay on the topic they were already on.

“Maybe I’ll get Hongjoong some clothes,” Seonghwa said.

“I feel like he probably already has enough clothes. I have seen his closet,” Yunho replied.

Seonghwa used all of his brain power to try and lead the conversation to the topic. “I don’t know, I kinda want to get him something that’ll make him look pretty.”

He cringed inwardly immediately after he said it. That definitely wasn’t a smooth way to transition. And Yunho must’ve thought so too, because his head shot up from looking down at his phone.

“Pretty?” Yunho repeated.

Well, Seonghwa had already dug himself the hole, so might as well jump full on into it. “Sure,” he winced. “Hongjoong can be pretty, right?”

Yunho tilted his head, like he didn’t exactly know what Seonghwa was getting at. Seonghwa didn’t know either. “I mean, I guess. He is a handsome guy. What kind of clothes are you thinking?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. You said handsome though. Is he pretty or handsome?”

Yunho scrunched up his face in confusion and laughed. “Hyung, I do not know. Both I guess. What are you trying to get at?”

If Seonghwa dropped the topic it would make him seem even more strange than he already was. He might as well fully explain the issue he was having with the two words. “Pretty and handsome mean different things, right?”

“I have not really thought about it…they seem like synonyms to me. They mean that someone is attractive.”

“But don’t they mean different kinds of attractiveness?”

“Well, everyone is a different kind of attractive. Because we are all different people. I guess I just use whichever word fits the person more.”

Yunho was wise, and what he said made a lot of sense. Maybe Seonghwa was just blowing it out of proportion. Just because he thought Hongjoong was pretty didn’t mean Seonghwa was weird or creepy or _gay_. It just fit him better because Hongjoong wasn’t a conventionally attractive guy like Yeosang or Wooyoung or Yunho.

It was at that point San came back from the bathroom talking loudly about an idea he had about Hongjoong’s present and the conversation was thankfully dropped and Seonghwa felt relieved enough to start brainstorming up a present himself.

*

Seonghwa didn’t want to brag too much, since he had an unfair advantage of being Hongjoong’s roommate, but he had gotten him the perfect present. But first he had to sit and wait while the others gave them theirs. And the others, well, they tried. It was cute. In all fairness, since they had just debuted all of them were still practically broke. So they got creative. Yeosang got Hongjoong some candy, San made some (mostly unflattering) caricatures of Hongjoong, and Mingi gave Hongjoong a coupon book filled with things like “Mingi will wake up on time for an entire week” and “Mingi will not team up with Jongho to torment Hongjoong-hyung for an entire day.”

“Seonghwa-hyung, it is your turn!” Jongho shouted over everyone as he shoved some of the wrapping paper that was on the coffee table onto the floor.

They were all sitting on the sofas in their dorm’s living area and Wooyoung had been oddly gracious enough to make everyone some noodles to go along with the other birthday sweets they had strewn about.

Seonghwa couldn’t help but bend over and start to pick up the discarded wrapping paper. (He was trying to control himself over the mess of the table.) Out of the corner of his eye he could see Hongjoong reaching over and grabbing Seonghwa’s present. For some reason, he got anxious seeing him holding his gift. Feeling shy and suddenly nervous about him possibly not liking it, Seonghwa turned his attention toward organizing the wrapping paper scraps into a neat pile.

“I wonder if it is another coupon book,” Mingi laughed.

Hongjoong chuckled as he examined Seonghwa’s gift. It was small - rectangular shape. “Hm, probably not, but with how these presents have been going so far, I wouldn’t be surprised!”

“Look at him!” Wooyoung pointed at Seonghwa. “Knowing him, he probably got Hongjoong-hyung cleaning supplies!” 

Seonghwa slowly sat back up and glared at Wooyoung while some of the other younger members laughed.

“Hey hey hey, let’s see what it is first before we bully him too much,” Hongjoong grinned and then started to carefully open the wrapping.

Seonghwa licked his lips and bounced one of his knees. “If you don’t like it, I won’t be upset or anything. I wasn’t too sure what which one’s you’d prefer.”

He briefly paused in unwrapping to flash Seonghwa a quick, reassuring smile. “Nah, I’m sure I’ll like it.”

“Wowww,” the group said once Hongjoong had finally finished unwrapping the gift.

“He got me nail polish!” he held up the set so everyone could see.

“Ooo,” was the group’s response.

It was a clear plastic box of four bottles of nail polish: grey, white, light blue, and dark blue. It hadn’t been terribly expensive, but obviously it was more expensive than any of the other gifts Hongjoong had been given.

Seonghwa studied Hongjoong’s face to see if he could get a clear reading of how he felt about the nail polish. And Hongjoong seemed to be beaming. He held the box close to his body with a big, pretty smile on his face. His eyes flittered down from admiring the bottles, to looking at the other boys who were clearly impressed by the gift, to then finally looking at Seonghwa.

“This is way too nice, Seonghwa-sshi. Thank you,” Hongjoong bowed his head.

“You’re welcome,” he said. Seonghwa figured he’d buy Hongjoong a hundred more nail polish sets if it meant he could see him that happy about something.

For the others, Seonghwa decided to explain his gift decision (and probably flex that he knew Hongjoong better than anyone else). “Hongjoong’s started doing that Polished Man campaign, and I noticed he only had black nail polish, so I thought he’d like some more to use. And his favorite color is blue. And yeah, I saw that in the store and thought he’d like it.”

“Wow, I’m impressed!” Hongjoong said, still looking at the nail polish.

“Way to make us all look bad, Seonghwa-hyung!” Yunho whined.

“Obviously Seonghwa-hyung did not get the memo that we were giving Hongjoong-hyung crap for his birthday,” Mingi waved around his coupon book.

Hongjoong giggled loudly and passed along the nail polish set to San who had been reaching out for it since Hongjoong unwrapped it. “You guys, it’s fine. Honestly. I appreciate all of your gifts, no matter how crappy or how ugly they are.”

“But mine is better,” Seonghwa quickly interjected.

“Well if we were all rich like Seonghwa, we would have gotten you something good too, Hongjoong-hyung,” Mingi said.

Seonghwa leaned over and smacked Mingi on the arm. “You make more than me, Mr. Songwriter!”

“I don't know why you're hitting me! Hongjoong-hyung makes the most here!” Mingi pointed at Hongjoong, his comment arousing laughter from everyone.

Once again, Seonghwa hit Mingi. “Speak formally to me!”

“You know,” Hongjoong snatched the coupon book from Mingi, “I think after that, I’m gonna go ahead and cash in on one of these.” He started to flip through the pages.

“Oh no,” Mingi hung his head.

“And that is why everyone should have gotten him candy like me!” Yeosang said.

“I share a room with you! I know good and well that all that candy is just leftover candy that you didn’t want!” Wooyoung shouted.

“Ohhh!” Jongho exclaimed, clapping his hands. “My failed friendship bracelet is suddenly looking better!”

Yeosang’s jaw dropped and he sputtered to Wooyoung, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Somehow oblivious to all of the loud chaos, Hongjoong managed to find the coupon he wanted and ripped it out so he could show everyone. He cleared his throat: “Ahem, I believe this says ‘Mingi will clean up after dinner one day.’”

From his seat next to Mingi, Yunho clapped Mingi on the back. “Oh man, that’s awfully sweet of you!”

Mingi waved his hands. “Oh, no, those are not valid today. They do not go into effect until tomorrow.”

“Oh, you’re a funny guy, Mingi-yah,” Hongjoong stood up from the couch and stretched. “I’m sure some of the others will help you.”

Mingi looked around at his fellow ’99 liners and they all seemed to avoiding eye contact with him.

Having kept careful track of the nail polish set the entire time it was in San’s hands (fearful that the rowdy younger boys would somehow end up breaking it), Seonghwa felt relief when San finally set it down onto the table next to all of the other gifts. While the younger boys tried to figure out who exactly was going to be doing the cleaning, Seonghwa helped Hongjoong carry all of his gifts to their room.

Their room already too cluttered, Seonghwa pushed some of his Gundam figurines to the side of his desk to help make room for the presents that wouldn’t fit on Hongjoong’s own desk.

“Seonghwa-sshi, since you were kind enough to get me new polish, I was hoping you’d do me the honors,” he said.

Confused on what he meant, Seonghwa looked over at him to see him rummaging through his desk to pull out a container of nail polish remover. He immediately connected the dots. “Oh Hongjoong-ah, you don’t have to do that now. That’s very thoughtful of you though.”

“No, but I want to.” Hongjoong took off the lid and grabbed a napkin. “I’m tired of black.”

“Well, it is your birthday,” he conceded. He sat down in his desk chair and started unpackaging the polish set for him.

Hongjoong dipped the napkin just barely into the solution and began wiping at his pinky. “Pick the color for me.”

Seonghwa was already admiring the colors when he said it. “What? No, it’s your present and your pinky.”

“And since it’s my present and my pinky what I say goes. And I want you to pick it.” He had finished taking off the polish and held his pinky up to the light to examine his work.

“Um,” he uttered. Hell, he didn’t know. He had four options. Obviously, all of them were going to look good on Hongjoong. Everything always looked good on Hongjoong. Whatever Seonghwa could never pull off, like overalls, berets, or vests, somehow Hongjoong always pulled them off in a way that seemed like he was only ever meant to wear that one thing and nothing else.

“It’s not a life or death decision,” Hongjoong joked and walked over to hover behind him. “I don’t care either way.”

“Well, I got it because you like blue, so I guess blue?” Seonghwa turned his head to look up at him for approval.

In all fairness, he did genuinely seem like didn’t care either way. “Fair. Light or dark though?” he pointed at the bottles in Seonghwa’s hand.

Seonghwa squinted his eyes and thought long and hard with a “hmmm.”

“Ugh, Seonghwa-yah! You’d think you were choosing your casket!” Hongjoong groaned.

Hongjoong slipped up the name ending, whether on purpose or on accident, and it ended up making Seonghwa’s dilemma worse because his mind went momentarily blank. The first thoughts to repopulate his mind were nothing surprising. Just the thoughts that had been occupying his mind for the past few weeks.

Hongjoong was pretty.

He was wearing a white, turtleneck, cable-knit sweater with several silver chains. His hair was starting to get shaggier at the nape of his neck which left Seonghwa wondering when the hair noonas were going to cut it, but also wishing that they wouldn’t. He was only wearing light foundation today and Seonghwa preferred it that way as it only gave him more time to see Hongjoong’s natural, pretty face for what it was.

His mind flashed back Hongjoong’s genuine smile as he unwrapped Seonghwa’s present - a reaction that had made Seonghwa’s chest swell in the same way it swelled when he rode on an airplane. The feeling of anticipation, your body leaving the ground, and eventually, only seeing the endless blue sky beneath you…

“Light blue,” Seonghwa said.

Like as if he’d been thinking it the whole time.

“Really?” Hongjoong scrunched up his nose. “Huh. I thought you would’ve chosen dark.”

Seonghwa was horrified as Hongjoong took the light blue bottle from him. “I mean, if you want dark, by all means, I was just throwing something out there, but it’s totally up to you.”

Hongjoong grabbed his chair and dragged it across the floor so it sat right next to Seonghwa’s. “No, you misunderstand, I would’ve chosen that color too. It’s pretty. It just didn’t seem like your style.”

“Well, it’s going on your finger, isn’t it?” he replied.

As Hongjoong unscrewed the bottle, he gave him a side smirk. “You’re right. It is.”

That airplane feeling returned to Seonghwa’s chest as he watched with pride as Hongjoong laid his left hand out on the desk and proceeded to put his color choice on his pinky. He was almost in awe at how steady Hongjoong’s hand was as the brush glided across his small pinky nail. Seonghwa would probably end up accidentally painting his whole finger if he tried that.

“You should let me paint yours too,” Hongjoong said while still concentrating on his own finger.

He shook his head. “Ohhh no, nope.” Like how overalls made him look like a gangly, overgrown plant, he would look equally as ridiculous with nail polish on.

“Why not?” Hongjoong had finished with his nail and was looking at Seonghwa.

“I’d look silly.” He looked down as he fumbled with his hands. Unlike Hongjoong’s cute, small hands, his were long and clumsy.

“No you wouldn’t. It’s just a finger. I’ll even do it for you.” He waved his left hand in the air to help dry his pinky. “Pick a color.”

Seonghwa let out a soft “ehhhh” as he hesitated and looked back at the other polish colors. 

“How about grey? That seems like your style. It also wouldn’t be too noticeable,” Hongjoong offered.

“I don’t know…”

“Please! Come on, it’s my birthday!”

A terrible, selfish thought came into Seonghwa’s head. One that he really couldn’t stop from forming even though it made him guilty. One that unfortunately, his mouth couldn’t stop from saying.

“How about the same color?” Seonghwa pointed towards the light blue bottle. 

The terrible, selfish thought that he wanted to match with Hongjoong.

Coincidences had happened in the past where they ended up matching clothes in some sort of way: colors, patterns, belts, etc. Seonghwa always liked to point it out when he noticed, knowing that Hongjoong would tease him about it and pretend to be appalled by the idea of them wearing “couple outfits.” But for some reason, Seonghwa really was never appalled when they ended up matching. In fact, it gave him some sort of pride knowing that him and brilliant Hongjoong were on such the same mental wavelength that they would unintentionally match.

And right then, there was an opportunity to intentionally match. And well, very selfishly, Seonghwa wanted it.

“That’s fine, we can match,” Hongjoong grinned, grabbing the bottle once again.

“Wait, really?”

He shrugged. “Sure.”

Seonghwa smiled inwardly and put his left hand on the desk, but then retracted it and said, “Oh wait, I don’t know if I trust you.”

“You’re right, one false slip on the hand and you may lose that finger,” Hongjoong quipped.

He scowled but laid his hand back down.

Hongjoong carefully bobbed the brush in the bottle and thinned out the paint on the rim. Once his hand began to travel towards Seonghwa’s, Seonghwa couldn’t help but notice how much it was strangely shaking, a sharp contrast from his steady hand earlier.

Hongjoong noticed the shaking too and paused before he started painting. “Sorry, I’ve never painted anyone else’s hand before.” His face was flushed and he was concentrating hard on controlling his hand…and was Hongjoong nervous?

“Well, it’s a good thing you’re not a surgeon,” Seonghwa joked, trying to break the nervous tension that had come into the air.

He gave a weak laugh. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Hongjoong’s hand wasn’t shaking as much as before, but it still had an infrequent tremor when he started painting Seonghwa’s nail. Hongjoong was leaned forward in his seat and he had steadied himself on the desk with his left elbow while his right hand did the painting. As he painted, none of his fingers managed to touch Seonghwa’s hand. He seemed to be painting even more slowly and carefully than when he did his own.

“You have nice nails,” Hongjoong said while he worked.

“Oh, thank you,” he murmured.

With Hongjoong’s attention so trained on Seonghwa’s hand, that meant Seonghwa could take the opportunity to watch his face as he worked.

Even despite the ugly lighting of the room bouncing off the wood paneling of their furniture and dank, cream colored walls, Hongjoong seemed perfectly, almost professionally, lit. At photoshoots, the lighting team and photographers normally spend an uncomfortable amount of time fixing the lights, reflector boards, and shades, all in the goal of getting you looking as good as possible. Lighting can make a difference, especially if you have a weird, angular face like Seonghwa. 

Not Hongjoong though. His face was soft. No harsh angles. Smooth from cheek to chin. It made him always look pretty, no matter how horrible the lighting was. Even in an ugly, interior-design-disaster of a dorm room.

“Okay, I’m done, what do you think?”

Seonghwa jumped in surprise. But what he was startled at wasn’t hearing Hongjoong’s voice interrupt his thoughts. No, it was feeling Hongjoong’s breath on his pinky.

Hongjoong quickly retracted back. “Sorry! I was trying to dry it faster, but you can probably do that yourself, can’t you?” He awkwardly chuckled at himself as he put up the polish.

Seonghwa blinked and then looked down at his left hand. Even with a shaky hand, Hongjoong had made Seonghwa’s nail look just as perfect as his.

“Well?” Hongjoong was looking expectantly at him.

It definitely didn’t Seonghwa’s monotone, classic style. In his own vanity, he began wondering how he was going to match it with all of clothes. But yet, he loved it. How could he not? Every time he’d look at it, it’d remind him of Hongjoong.

“We match,” Seonghwa said, still looking at his pinky.

Hongjoong’s own left hand came into Seonghwa’s view, and Hongjoong tilted his hand so that the tips of their pinkies touched. “We match,” Hongjoong repeated.

Seonghwa looked up at him and they both smiled at each other.

“Thank you very much for the gift, Seonghwa-yah. I’m glad we could share it,” he continued.

That honorific ending. That one was definitely on purpose. Even on Hongjoong’s own birthday, he couldn’t help but give Seonghwa a gift too.

When they went back out to the main room to rejoin the others and held up their matching pinkies, the boys all gave a collective “awh.”

Over the next few days, Seonghwa kept finding himself absentmindedly glancing down at his left pinky. He fretted over it when it inevitably chipped and couldn’t bear to look at the imperfection in Hongjoong’s work, so he ended up scraping the rest off.

*

His scalp burned and, looking at his freshly fried hair in the mirror, he didn’t know if it was worth it or not.

“Hyung, I cannot say I did not warn you,” Wooyoung came up behind him and grinned, satisfied with himself.

The members were all in the salon with the hair noonas working on their new looks for the upcoming comeback. Seonghwa stood in front of a floor length mirror having a partial emotional breakdown over his crisp new bleach-orange hair.

“She said I’ll probably need two more treatments,” Seonghwa whined and gently patted his head. He winced at himself in the mirror.

Wooyoung snorted. “At least.”

“At least?!” he whipped his head around too look at him with panicked eyes.

Yeosang, sitting to the side in his salon chair, decided it was time to pipe in. “Will you stop freaking him out?” he said to Wooyoung. Then to Seonghwa: “It’ll be fine. The orange is just temporary.”

“I don’t care about the color! What about my head?! I’ll be bald by the end of it!” Seonghwa held up some strands of his hair for emphasis.

They were interrupted by some loud “oohs” and “ahhs” at the other end of the salon.

Just as the three began to look at each other in confusion, San called over to them: “You guys have to come look at Hongjoong-hyung!”

Then came Mingi’s loud voice, carrying easily over the room, “Wow, Hongjoong-hyung’s a cool guy!”

“Hey, I wanna see!” Wooyoung went running over to the growing crowd.

While Yeosang had to stay put for his own hair noona, Seonghwa pulled his hoodie over his head in shame and followed Wooyoung over to Hongjoong’s chair.

He couldn’t immediately see Hongjoong due to Mingi, Yunho, San, Jongho, Wooyoung, and Hongjoong’s hair noona crowding around him. He could hear the click of a camera and he assumed the hair noona was taking pictures of Hongjoong’s hairstyle for their concept records that they keep of all the members.

“Will you all take like one step back so Noona can work? Thanks,” Hongjoong chuckled.

When the five boys finally spread apart, Seonghwa could see Hongjoong standing up next to his salon chair as his noona took his picture.

Hongjoong had a mullet. And yeah, he had a mullet before. But like, now he had a long, smooth _mullet_. The kind you only saw rock stars with. Fittingly, San said in awe, “Hyung looks like a rock star!”

“I think he looks like a horse!” Wooyoung announced, inciting a laugh from Jongho.

Seonghwa shifted towards Wooyoung so he could grab onto his shoulder. “Hey, don’t be rude,” Seonghwa said closely to his ear.

He chuckled nervously and maneuvered his shoulder away from Seonghwa’s hand. “It was a joke! Obviously, I think he looks like a sex god.”

Hongjoong’s noona had finished taking the photos and was walking away when Hongjoong turned towards Wooyoung to glare at him. “Oh, yeah I’m sure.”

San moved towards Hongjoong with an outstretched hand. “Can I touch - ?”

Hongjoong quickly swatted his hand away. “Stop! Disperse children! She’ll be back to take out the extensions anyways.”

“Awhhh,” San pouted.

Bored now, the group started to disperse with lingering phrases from Yunho and Mingi like “I wish I could have a mullet” and “He did kinda look like a horse, didn’t he?”

Seonghwa began to walk away, but paused when he heard Hongjoong say: “Seonghwa-sshi, do you like it?”

Hongjoong raised his eyebrows and turned around to show off the extensions.

To get a better look, Seonghwa walked closer to him.

And, of course Seonghwa liked his new hair. Everything always looked good on Hongjoong. The extensions were pretty, he was pretty, and like San, he had a very big temptation to run his fingers through Hongjoong’s hair to see what it felt like - if it was as smooth as it looked.

Hongjoong turned back around and looked up at him. “Well?”

“I think that you’ve just proven you can literally pull off _anything_ ,” he said. And oddly enough, he wasn’t jealous at all of Hongjoong. Sure, Seonghwa always wanted to have that ability to be able to wear anything and look amazing regardless, but he enjoyed looking at Hongjoong too much to be envious of him. Looking at Hongjoong was looking at a nice painting in an art museum. You weren’t jealous that you couldn’t paint like that, you just sat there and admired in awe that there was someone out there who _could_.

“I don’t look silly?”

“No, not at all. You look really…” Seonghwa had to stop himself from saying the one word that always seemed to pop into his head when he was around Hongjoong. “Cool,” he finished lamely, because he couldn’t think of any other words besides “pretty.”

“Ha, yeah, you hesitated there,” he pointed at him with a smirk. If only Hongjoong knew what word he had really wanted to say.

Hongjoong then gestured up to Seonghwa’s hoodie. “Come on, lemme see yours! It’s your first time getting real bleach!”

He panicked and reached up to play with his hoodie strings. “Nooo, it’s not finished yet.”

“Well obviously I’m gonna see it eventually, you know, since you sleep two feet above me,” he joked.

“It’s orange,” Seonghwa warned.

“I’d imagine so, that’s how it works.”

He sighed, probably a bit too loudly, and pulled back his hoodie. “My hair feels dead,” he mumbled shyly and looked down at the ground.

He felt Hongjoong’s hand on his head, his fingers threading through his hair. “Nope. Looks and feels good to me.”

Seonghwa glanced back up at him through his eyelashes. “Yeah, whatever.”

Hongjoong took his hand away from his head, but instead used it to take Seonghwa’s wrist and pull it towards the nape of Hongjoong’s neck. “Here, feel. San would’ve been disappointed,” he said.

“Huh?” he grunted, confused.

Hongjoong let go of Seonghwa’s wrist and Seonghwa stroked his extensions. There weren’t particularly rough…but they definitely weren’t as smooth as they looked. It felt like doll hair.

“Ahhh, yeah, I thought that was gonna be softer,” Seonghwa chuckled and pulled his hand back.

“Yeah, me too. It tickles my neck.” He lifted the hair up from neck and laid it back down.

Seonghwa grimaced. “Beauty is pain I guess.”

“I think you’ll look really good with blonde hair,” he nodded at him.

“Really?”

Hongjoong’s hair noona reappeared and started walking back over. Hongjoong glanced over at her and then back at Seonghwa. “Of course,” he said. “You’re Seonghwa.”

And then he walked back over to his chair and Seonghwa decided that maybe he’d keep the hoodie off the rest of the day.

*

There wasn’t much of a turnaround between their debut and their first comeback, which led to a rushed Christmas holiday break.

With becoming an idol came accepting the fact that you would soon become a stranger to your own family back home. Which for the others was sometimes hard. For Seonghwa though, it was never something he struggled too much with. He was a good student in school, but he always was more interested in the arts. He did theater, chorus, and was the head of the dance club. His father had originally wanted him to do extracurriculars that were more “masculine.” Like baseball or taekwondo. But his father soon grew more accepting of his choices…until he expressed his desire to audition for idol companies instead of furthering his schooling. There were definitely arguments, some choice words said, and then Seonghwa was gone. Sure, they were all still on speaking terms…but that was if you counted small talk with your own mother and father “speaking terms.”

With all the preparation coming up for their comeback, and Seonghwa not particularly missing his family anyways, it wasn’t a difficult decision for him to stay put and not make the long trip back home just for some awkward family small talk.

With San, Wooyoung, and Yeosang being such a tight trio, and with San and Yeosang’s families all hours away, it was natural that they all packed up and went to Wooyoung’s family in the city. Mingi did the exact same with Yunho’s family in town. Jongho’s family also lived in Seoul, and despite his hard exterior, he probably missed his family the most out of all of them, so he also got his time to spend with his family.

Before they had all left, they’d all given Seonghwa open invitations to come. He knew that it wasn’t just merely out of pity, but he figured he wouldn’t replace cringey small talk with his family with more cringey small talk with someone else’s family. Plus he had point dances in their comeback he wanted to perfect in the meantime. It was the perfect arrangement for everyone.

So that just left Hongjoong and Seonghwa in the dorms on Christmas Eve morning. Since Hongjoong’s mother also lived in the city, Seonghwa fully expected himself to be alone. So the fact that he wasn’t left him confused.

“Merry Christmas Eve, Seonghwa-sshi,” Hongjoong sounded cheery as he made his way into the kitchen as Seonghwa made some eggs for breakfast.

“Merry Christmas Eve, Hongjoong-ah.”

Seonghwa felt a presence by his side without looking up from the skillet. “Mm, that smells good.”

“Mhm, I’m making enough for the two of us.”

“Oh, that’s nice of you, thank you. I’ll set the table for us.”

The warm presence by his side disappeared and he heard cabinets being opened and dishes being sorted through.

“What are you going to do today?” Hongjoong asked.

The eggs were done so Seonghwa turned off the stove and moved the skillet full of eggs and chopped vegetables over to the counter. “I should be asking you that question.”

“Oh?”

Seongwha walked over to the refrigerator. On his way there, he looked pointedly at Hongjoong as he placed plates on the table. “Your family? It’s Christmas Eve and you’re still here?” There was a brief silence while Seonghwa opened the refrigerator and took out a tomato.

“Oh,” Seonghwa heard before he shut the refrigerator door. “I’ll probably swing by either today or tomorrow. I have some work to get done, so we’ll see,” Hongjoong said.

“Oh really? What work?” Seonghwa walked back over to the counter and began slicing the tomato.

“Well, me and you were going to run over some choreography.”

“I have the guide videos and a dance studio with mirrors. I think I can manage.”

Seonghwa heard the refrigerator door open as Hongjoong probably started taking out some juice for them.

“Okay, well we’re going to be doing more international promotions. I need to study up on my English.”

“Which you can do on the train on the way to your mother’s house.”

The presence was back by his side. “‘Hwa, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, I just think you should go spend time with your family.” He finished cutting the tomato before he looked over at Hongjoong.

Hongjoong’s hand rested on counter allowing him to lean against it. He had his glasses on and black oversized sweats. And he looked…confused? “I am spending time with my family,” he said.

Seonghwa’s chest twisted and he found himself not quite knowing how to reply to that. So instead he turned and started gathering up the ingredients he had made. He grabbed the skillet of eggs and the plate of toast he had made earlier, while Hongjoong grabbed the sliced tomatoes.

As Seonghwa set the food down at the table he finally said: “You see me all the time, you know. And I’m sure your mother misses you.”

“I’m not leaving you here alone on Christmas.” Hongjoong’s voice was firm.

The two both sat down next to each other at the table.

“I had every opportunity to make plans with people and I didn’t. I fully expected to be alone. Which is fine, I promise. I’ll live. I’m a grown man.” 

Hongjoong opened his mouth to argue and Seonghwa quickly continued: “Hey, you haven’t given me my Christmas present yet. Why don’t you return whatever you got me and instead give me this for Christmas: go home today and see your family. Stay the night and spend some time with them. Okay?”

“If you make me go I’m taking you with me,” he said.

Seonghwa shook his head. “Nope. You’ve worked hard. You deserve alone time with your mother. Conversation over, now eat your egg sandwich I so graciously made you.”

He huffed and grabbed a slice of toast. “When did you become so stubborn?”

“ _Me_?” His eyes widened and he leaned closer to Hongjoong. “ _I’m_ the stubborn one?”

Hongjoong glanced over at him and snorted in amusement. “Oh, shut up and eat your egg sandwich you so graciously made me.”

He felt pride that he had won that battle…until an hour later when he saw Hongjoong at the front door with a backpack slung on his shoulder. And then he couldn’t help but think _what the fuck had he done_ sending away his only family on Christmas Eve.

“I’ll be back tomorrow around dinner, alright? We’ll open presents then,” Hongjoong said.

Seonghwa nodded. “Sounds good.”

“You sure you don’t want to come?” He looked ridiculously adorable all bundled up in a beanie, big coat, and scarf which made everything so much harder.

“Yes, I’m sure. I’ll be fine.”

“You sure you’re alright staying here alone on Christmas?”

“Yes, once again, I’m sure. I’ll be fine. Have a safe train ride. Goodbye, Joongie.” He leaned around Hongjoong and opened the door for him.

“Text or call if you need me. Promise.” Hongjoong pointed a finger at him.

“I promise.” They both stared long and hard at each other.

Despite everything, he still looked hesitant. “Okay…well then I’ll be off. Merry Christmas and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Merry Christmas.” Seonghwa waved as Hongjoong walked backwards out of the dorm and waved back.

He closed the door and tried not to think about how silent or how big the room he stood in had become. Or about how much of an idiot he was for intentionally being alone on Christmas Eve.

*

Seonghwa didn’t realize there were sad Christmas songs until he intentionally searched for them later that night. He had successfully kept himself busy most of the day, but now it was just after dinnertime and he had run out of things to do. So he was sitting on the couch in the main room, listening to some Christmas English hymn that was slow and sad-sounding (since obviously he couldn’t really understand what they were singing) and feeling just completely awful about himself.

Should he have gone with any of the other boys? In retrospect, probably. His social anxiety would’ve been at a danger level, but it would’ve been worth it to have some sort of human interaction, so he wasn’t stuck sitting in a gloomy, sparsely decorated dorm alone with bleak, dreary, Grinch-like thoughts.

He thought about how Christmas the next morning was going to go. Waking up alone, eating breakfast alone, celebrating alone. Maybe he’d even give himself a present since he was the only family he had now.

He thought about how everyone would come back after Christmas with all of these fun, happy stories and like always, he would be the lame one out. Normally he could blame being the lame one out on him being older and more mature than the others. But this situation was totally his doing alone. He created his own misery.

He was just about to squeeze out his first (or fiftieth tear) when he heard the door handle jiggle. Terrified, he jumped in shock and hurried to shut off the downer Christmas carols. Who could it be? A manager feeling pity for him? Maybe by some sort of Christmas miracle one or more of the boys back early to save him from himself? He wiped underneath his eyes and suddenly realized how much of a freak he was going to look like just sitting on the couch all alone staring at the door.

He stood from the couch just as the door opened and a very chilly looking, utterly gorgeous looking Hongjoong stepped inside.

Gorgeous.

That was a new word for Hongjoong.

But god, if that word would ever mean anything, it meant everything about Hongjoong in that moment. His nose was pink from the bitter cold outside and his bangs stuck out in disarray from underneath the beanie. But his eyes were as wide as ever as he looked at Seonghwa. “Oh, hello,” he said in the doorway, taken aback. “I’m going to hope you weren’t waiting here for me the entire time.” And he smiled really big and it was gorgeous. And in that moment Seonghwa didn’t give a shit if it was weird thinking Hongjoong was not only was pretty but also gorgeous because he was so thankful to see him.

“You came back,” he said.

Hongjoong finally entered the dorm and closed the door behind him. “Nah, I just...forgot my favorite toothbrush.”

“Oh well, go grab it so you can make it back by tonight,” he gestured back to their room.

He shook his head and readjusted his backpack on his shoulder. “I think I’ll hang around here instead, if that’s alright with you.”

“What about your mother?”

“Oh she’s fine, I’ll probably visit her again soon. She doesn’t live too far anyways.”

Seonghwa nodded and the room grew silent as they both looked at each other from where they stood.

“So what have you been up to?” / “Do you want me to make you some tea?”

Hongjoong and Seonghwa both spoke at once. They paused, looked at each other, and laughed it off.

“Sorry, you go ahead,” Hongjoong conceded.

“You look cold, did you want me to make you some tea, or some coffee or something?” Seonghwa was already walking over to the kitchen before he could answer.

“Um, sure I guess some tea would be great.” He heard Hongjoong’s backpack hit the floor and then the couch sink as Hongjoong sat down.

He turned on the stove. “Are you hungry? Manager Lee got me some chocolate bread earlier.”

“Uh, no, that’s fine, thank you though. I had some food on the train.”

“Mm,” Seonghwa replied and grabbed the kettle and some tea bags from the shelf.

“What did you do today?” Hongjoong asked.

“Let’s see,” he filled the kettle with water. “I went to the company, I practiced my point choreography in ‘Wonderland,’ did some workouts.” He put the kettle on the stove and turned to look at Hongjoong on the couch. “And then I came back here and cleaned up some of the boys’ rooms since they’re away and everything.”

His eyebrows raised. “Oh really? Wow, you really can’t stop cleaning, can you?”

“Well, I didn’t have much else to do,” he admitted.

“I’m curious, whose was the worst?” Hongjoong grinned at him.

“You mean besides yours?” Seonghwa tilted his head.

“Hey now,” he pointed at him, “you’re the one in charge of that. So you have no one else to blame but yourself.”

He couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Well, anyways, it would seem that Mingi and Jongho are the messiest, probably not shocking you very much.”

Hongjoong let out a sharp laugh at that. “Nope, unfortunately it doesn’t.”

“I found a lot of food remnants? And dirty clothes…Do they know how to use a washer?”

“Oh god, please don’t tell me you washed their clothes.”

Seonghwa pursed his lips together and looked away in guilt.

“Seonghwa-sshi, you have to stop babying them! They’re grown men.”

“Okay, well I ran out of stuff to clean,” he said just before the kettle started whistling. He took the kettle off the stove and turned it off.

He heard Hongjoong sigh. “I guess I’ll have to talk to them when they get back to the dorms.”

Seonghwa turned quick on his heel with the kettle still in hand. “No, please don’t. They’ll only just come complaining to me about you.”

“Who’s complaining about me?” Hongjoong’s eyebrows were furrowed together.

He blinked slowly. “I didn’t say anything.” Just as quickly, he turned back around and started pouring the hot water into two mugs for them.

“Mhm, you better be lucky it’s Christmas Eve.”

Seonghwa laughed under his breath and brought the completed teas out from the kitchen. He gave Hongjoong one and sat next to him on the couch.

“Thank you,” Hongjoong murmured as he clutched the mug up to his face. By that point he had unraveled his scarf to the point that it just barely hung onto his shoulders.

“You’re welcome,” he nodded. “So, did you have fun with your family?”

Hongjoong noticeably swallowed before biting his lip and looking away from him. “Yeah, it was fine. It was good to see everyone.”

Seonghwa wouldn’t have had to know him super well to know that it didn’t go “fine” based on how he was acting. Hongjoong had never been good at keeping his facial expressions neutral. “Was your brother there?”

“Yeah, uh, he was,” he tapped his fingernails on the mug and then turned his head back towards Seonghwa. “And yeah, so was my dad.”

Simply put, Seonghwa was shocked. Sure, he was shocked at the fact that Hongjoong’s estranged father had popped up after years and years of being god knows where, but he was equally as shocked at how little he had to prod at Hongjoong to get him to admit that fact – he wasn’t the most open person. But, Seonghwa tried to keep the more selfish thoughts at bay (the ones that took pride in Hongjoong feeling comfortable enough around him to open up so easily). “Oh, Hongjoong-ah, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he shook his head blinked furiously. “I didn’t do some fantastic, next-level friendship thing and come back to the dorms just for you. I came back because my dad’s an asshole. And my mother had invited him over so he could spend time with my brother because he’s back from enlistment, and instead of focusing on him, he focused all his attention on me. But you know, he’s as good as dead to me. And I told him that too.”

When Seonghwa saw his lip quiver he ditched his mug on the floor in a heartbeat, moving over on the couch so he could wrap both his arms around him. “Shh, it’s okay.”

“Ugh,” Hongjoong looked up to try and keep tears from forming, but they were already there on the brim of his eyelashes, sparkling against the ceiling light and threatening to fall. “Shit, sorry, I didn’t come all the way back here to bum you out even more on Christmas Eve.”

Seonghwa leaned Hongjoong’s body against his. “It’s alright,” his hand moved to the top of Hongjoong’s head.

“He just…” he paused to let out a breathy, incredulous laugh. “He pushed me around so much as a kid…and he honestly thought he could come back and keep pushing me around. But I’m not a kid anymore and I don’t have to take it. And so I left.”

Hongjoong took a big, shaky breath before exhaling with a choked sob. “But my poor mother…oh gosh, I’m sorry.” He covered his eyes with one of his hands and Seonghwa took the opportunity to take his mug away from him and put it on the floor next to his.

With him leaning away to move the mugs, Hongjoong bent himself over, with his hands cradling his head in his lap. Seonghwa sat back up and started rubbing small circles on Hongjoong’s upper back. “Shhh,” he whispered.

“I’m ruining your Christmas Eve,” Hongjoong’s voice sounded muffled - a combination caused by snot and his own hands covering his mouth.

“Sh, no you’re not.” And he really wasn’t. Hongjoong probably didn’t want to know how much Seonghwa was enjoying this. Not the family trauma part, of course. Just being able to be there for him. Help him. Spend time with him. Realization dawned on Seonghwa. “I should’ve gone with you,” he said.

“No,” Hongjoong said immediately and sat upright. He used his scarf to keep his nose and mouth covered. “I would have never let you hear the things he said.”

Seonghwa kept his hand on Hongjoong’s back. “I told you about my dad and his opinion on idols and the industry. I’m used to it.”

“No, me and you are very different,” he said firmly. “You’ve probably never heard that sort of stuff before.”

Taken aback, Seonghwa racked his brain trying to imagine what things Hongjoong’s father had said to him. “What sort of stuff was he saying to you?” he said gently.

“I don’t…ugh, it’s not worth repeating. Especially not on Christmas. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” he nodded.

Hongjoong dropped his scarf so he could roughly wipe at his wet face. “Can we watch a movie or something? A Christmas movie.”

“Sure.” 

Eying Hongjoong carefully, Seonghwa got up to turn on the TV. Hongjoong took off his scarf and outer coat and tossed them on the floor next to his backpack. He was wearing a black, turtleneck shirt underneath a deep red, plain sweater. He combed at the bangs that stuck out underneath his beanie.

Seonghwa thought back to when he first saw Hongjoong really cry after that fan meeting, when he had wanted to see Hongjoong cry again so he could get to him faster and comfort him better. And looking at Hongjoong now, looking at how his inward emotions spilled outward, at how much smaller he looked than normal, at how it was unclear if his nose was still red from the winter night or from the fresh tears…he couldn’t believe he had thought of something so awful.

Seonghwa had finally found a moment in which Hongjoong did not look pretty. No one in that much despair could look pretty.

But yet.

When he sat down next to him again on the couch, and Hongjoong laid his head on his shoulder, almost immediately falling asleep, and at the end of the movie Seonghwa woke him up slowly and helped usher him and his discarded belongings to their bedroom, and he tucked him into the bottom bunk with all of his clothes still on, and in the dim light of the room he could see Hongjoong sleeping peacefully with no despair left on his face…That. That moment was pretty. He was pretty. And gorgeous. And perfect. And Seonghwa would do anything for him in that moment. Because Hongjoong was his family. And he no longer wanted to see him cry.

*

Seonghwa was the first to wake, which didn’t surprise him. Hongjoong had taken two long train rides, dealt with an estranged family member, and then gotten stuck spending his Christmas holiday alone with Seonghwa. He deserved the extra sleep.

Before Hongjoong woke up, Seonghwa had time to shower, make breakfast, and start preparations for the holiday meal he was making Hongjoong. Faced with another gift dilemma, Seonghwa figured he would just cook all the members a big, special meal after the holidays. With Hongjoong actually being back at the dorms, it made sense to cook him his own meal. It would make for a more special present anyways.

When he heard Hongjoong’s small footsteps he dropped everything he was doing and rushed out of the kitchen before Hongjoong could see anything.

“Merry Christmas, Hongjoong-ah!” Seonghwa held his arms up and beamed at a fully dressed Hongjoong.

He was wearing dark jeans, a dark green shirt, and a grey knit blazer. He wasn’t wearing a hat and instead he had spent time curling his bangs. “Merry Christmas, ‘Hwa!” Hongjoong laughed and then pointed at Seonghwa. “Wow, look at you!”

Seonghwa looked down and he had forgotten that he was wearing an apron. “Gah,” he immediately started to tear it off himself. “By the way, I have to grab your breakfast for you because your present is in there and I don’t want it spoiled.”

He shook his head and smiled. “Please don’t tell me that you went to a lot of trouble for me.”

“Only if you’ll tell me that you didn’t go to a lot of trouble for my gift,” Seonghwa countered with raised eyebrows.

“…Okay, it’s a draw. Grab me some fruit or some cereal for breakfast. I’ll save my appetite for later.”

“Good, ‘cause you’ll need it,” he replied. He went back into the kitchen and finished up what he had been working on earlier before grabbing Hongjoong a bowl of cereal and milk. Seonghwa sat with him on the couch while he ate.

“So what are we going to do today?” Hongjoong said between mouthfuls.

“It snowed earlier this morning.”

Hongjoong and Seonghwa both smirked at each other.

*

A big snowball came flying and hit Hongjoong square in the back as he was bent over scooping up snow. He whipped around and pointed at Seonghwa. “Hey, that’s not fair! You have bigger hands than me!”

Seonghwa laughed. “Okay, but smaller snowballs fly through the air faster!”

“But you won’t even give me a chance to make one!” Hongjoong shouted before chasing after him.

They both giggled as they ran through the couple inches of snow that made it to the ground earlier that morning. They had walked the couple blocks to the nearest park. Since it was Christmas morning, the park was empty, probably due to children being too busy playing with their new toys to take advantage of the fresh snowfall.

Somehow, a snowball made it to the back of Seonghwa’s head, knocking him forward a bit as he ran. “What the hell?!” He stopped in his tracks and felt the back of his beanie with his thick glove. Sure enough, when he pulled his glove back it was covered with snow.

He looked back at Hongjoong to see him sheepishly smiling at him.

“How the hell did you manage that?” he laughed.

“I scooped up some snow while we were running,” Hongjoong shrugged.

“Oh you’re gonna get it now!” The roles reversed as Seonghwa became the one chasing Hongjoong around the park.

After a couple of minutes of Hongjoong nimbly dodging and outrunning Seonghwa, he stopped and put his hands up in the hair. Panting heavily, he still somehow was managing to giggle. “Alright alright, I surrender. I’m exhausted now.” And to further punctuate that he fell backwards into a cushier pile of snow.

Seonghwa was grateful for Hongjoong’s surrender because he figured he was in even worse shape by the way his lungs burned as he inhaled the crisp air. He shuffled over to Hongjoong and laid down next to him in the snow.

They both wheezed and struggled to normalize their breathing for a few minutes. Hongjoong was the first person to turn over and look at the other person. Seonghwa had thought he had finally gotten his breathing under control until Hongjoong looked down at him and Seonghwa stopped breathing again.

His face looked pale and smooth against the grey sky and white snow around them. Except, his nose and cheeks were flushed pink from their goofing around. Since his breathing was still slightly labored, the white puffs of his exhales were clear in the air above them. His eyelashes looked longer than normal, with flecks of snow spotting them.

Seonghwa didn’t even want to blink because he would never see Hongjoong in that exact moment again. He wanted to take a picture - he wanted to memorize everything.

“That was fun, I needed that,” Hongjoong sighed with a faint smile.

The more Hongjoong lingered above him, the less Seonghwa could shake the feelings or the thoughts. He was just so pretty. He had to know how pretty he was, right? There was no way he couldn’t know. And not just handsome. No, Seonghwa wanted to make sure that Hongjoong knew just how pretty he was. Gorgeous even. Just fucking perfect. So pretty that instead of making him feel insecure like other attractive guys, Hongjoong made Seonghwa feel…afraid.

But not in a scary sort of way. Not in the, “I’m on in a creepy alley/there’s a monster underneath my bed/I’m probably going to fail this test,” sort of way. It’s more of the: “I’m in a rollercoaster climbing up a hill and I know what’s coming next and I’m super fucking terrified, but super fucking excited,” sort of way. And Seonghwa didn’t know what that meant exactly. He hadn’t really been afraid of anyone like that before. But then again, he hadn’t really admired anyone as much as Hongjoong before. This was probably what it felt like for everyone who idolized someone as much as he idolized Hongjoong. Just like a roller coaster.

But Seonghwa figured that after everything with Hongjoong’s father last night, Hongjoong deserved to know that someone admired him and thought of him in that way. Which, cringe-worthy enough, led to him saying in a single breath: “Has anyone ever told you you’re pretty?”

Not missing a beat, he tutted under his breath and looked away. “Oh, cut it out.”

When he started to lean away in embarrassment, Seonghwa reached up and caught his shoulder. “No, I’m serious.”

Hongjoong scrunched up his nose. “You all tell me I’m cute and little all the time.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” Seonghwa murmured.

There was a pause in the air. A slight breeze came and rustled Hongjoong’s bangs. Hongjoong’s eyes flittered across Seonghwa’s face.

Seonghwa was terrified. He swallowed before continuing. “You’re pretty, I just wanted you to know.”

“…Well,” Hongjoong replied slowly and carefully, “If I’m pretty, then you’re beautiful, and I just wanted you to know.”

Despite the frigid breeze and frozen snow, Seonghwa’s face grew warm. He hadn’t ever been called beautiful before by anyone, not even his mother. Handsome, good-looking, attractive, cute, sure. But beautiful? Just like pretty and gorgeous, that word was normally reserved for girls…right?

But for some reason he couldn’t give a shit. Hongjoong thought he was beautiful. Not just pretty or gorgeous. But beautiful.

Obviously content with how that conversation ended, Hongjoong flopped onto Seonghwa and nestled his head on Seonghwa’s chest. Instinctively, Seonghwa’s hand rose up to rest on Hongjoong’s head. 

Lying there, Seonghwa started to think about who else Hongjoong might think was beautiful. Did he just go around slinging that word around to everybody? Because Seonghwa didn’t go around calling everyone pretty and gorgeous, and he should face it: Hongjoong was also beautiful too.

He had all these words in his brain designated specifically for Hongjoong. That terrified yet excited feeling was still there in his gut.

But then, he started to think about hypothetically using those words for other people - other members or girls he found attractive. How would it make him feel if he called Wooyoung pretty? Or if he called Irene from Red Velvet gorgeous? It felt incorrect, false, _wrong_ , because those words were for Hongjoong.

And he became even more terrified.

*

Hongjoong sat at their kitchen table with a sleep mask over his eyes. After they had come inside completely tired out from playing in the snow, Hongjoong did some work on his Macbook in the main room and Seonghwa got to work finishing their Christmas meal.

“Okay, we’re almost there!” Seonghwa danced while carrying a dish over to the table. He had just finished ushering a blindfolded Hongjoong to the kitchen table.

“Dear lord, ‘Hwa, how much did you make? You were only cooking for two hours,” he said.

Seonghwa walked back and grabbed the last dish. “It was actually three, you slept for one of those hours.”

“Oh,” he chuckled at himself, “right.”

Seonghwa carefully set the last dish down on the table. “Alright, I think that’s everything you can -”

Hongjoong ripped the sleep mask off before letting Seonghwa finish. “Oh my god,” he drawled, finally getting to look at all the food.

“Hongjoong-ahhh, you’re so impatient,” he pouted and bounced on the balls of his feet.

“Well, I’m sorry! I’ve been smelling this stuff all day and fuck, is that Galbijjim?”

Seonghwa laughed because yes, it was Galbijjim and it was also Gujeolpan and Muguk and Mu Namul and other assorted sides. “Merry Christmas, it’s all my gift to you! Enjoy!” he waved his hands over the food for presentation.

As Seonghwa sat down next to Hongjoong, Hongjoong said, “Wow, I am never switching roommates. That’s for sure.”

He blushed and looked down at his lap. His hours of laboring in the kitchen were worth it.

“Oh, wait, before we eat it’s only fair that I get to see your gift reaction too. Hang on, lemme go grab it,” Hongjoong said before rushing off towards their bedroom.

This was the first gift-giving holiday that they were spending as genuine friends and not awkward roommates. So this was going to be the first true gift he was going to receive from Hongjoong. He hoped it wasn’t anything too expensive, especially since all he did for him was make him some food. (Food that the managers had honestly mostly provided anyways.)

Seonghwa would be content with some fried chicken vouchers or another one of the simple, but good-intentioned key rings Hongjoong had gotten him for his birthday back in April (back when they were still just awkward roommates).

Seonghwa turned to face Hongjoong once he returned with his hands behind his back.

“Okay, so I didn’t get to wrap my present because of my, well, laziness. But just imagine I intentionally didn’t wrap them because I know how much you hate messes.”

Seonghwa silently laughed and nodded his head. “Okay, sounds good.”

“Ta-da!” Hongjoong stuck out one of his hands and in it was a package of big, white stars. He saw that Seonghwa was squinting to see so Hongjoong walked over closer to him.

He bit his lip as he took the package from Hongjoong. “Is this what I think it is?” The package read: _Super Stars! Glow in the Dark Kit_

“I know how much the top bunk sucks, so I figured this might make it seem less like a jail sentence. You don’t have to use them if you don’t want to. You can always regift them to one of the younger boys,” Hongjoong said. 

He shook his head and smiled as he examined the stars. “No, this…this is great. I actually used to have these in my room when I was younger, so it’d bring me some good memories having them again. Thank you very much, Joong-ah.”

“You’re very welcome. But wait! That’s just this year’s Christmas present.”

He looked up from his gift. “Wait, what?”

Hongjoong grinned and swayed back and forth on his feet. Seonghwa suddenly noticed that one of Hongjoong’s hands was still behind his back. “I also have another present to make up for all the shitty presents I’ve given you in the past, and anything else shitty I ever did to you. Which I believe was a lot.”

“No, Hongjoong-ah, you didn’t have to,” Seonghwa whined and set the stars down on the table.

“Shush! You are not allowed to complain about this gift alright? Just take it and know that it’s from me and all the other boys for all that you do for us.”

“O-okay,” he agreed. What the hell had Hongjoong gotten him?

He couldn’t help but lean forward in anticipation as Hongjoong revealed his other hand. As his hand opened up, the light caught it and immediately Seonghwa knew it was jewelry. “Kim Hongjoong!” he screeched standing up so quickly from his chair it almost fell over.

Hongjoong closed his hand again and took a step back. “Nuh uh uh, you promised you wouldn’t fuss about it!”

“What bank did you rob?!”

“You haven’t even seen it yet, how do you know it’s expensive?”

“Really?” Seonghwa deadpanned.

“Will you just take the gift already before I give it away to someone more appreciative?” Hongjoong laughed, shaking his closed fist.

“Okay, okay,” he said quickly and held out his hand.

Hongjoong didn’t open his hand until the bottom of his fist met Seonghwa’s palm. Unsurprisingly, Seonghwa felt something smooth drop into his hand and once Hongjoong stepped back he could see it for what it really was.

It was a thin, silver cuff that looked expensive as hell.

His jaw dropped.

“If you look at the inside,” Hongjoong motioned at the cuff, “It’s all of our names.” 

Speechless, he held it up and looked on the inside of it. Sure enough, all of the members’ names were engraved on the inside.

Probably because Seonghwa still hadn’t managed to say anything, Hongjoong rambled on. “I know how much you like bracelets, so I thought you would like it. And you deserve it. You know, after everything you’ve done for me. For all of us. You know, I may be the leader but you’re like…the head of our family,” he chuckled at the end.

He nodded as he stroked his thumb over the engravings.

“Well?” Hongjoong said. “Do you like it?”

He cleared his throat and tried to process his thoughts. “Of course I like it…I love it. Thank you so much. Sorry, I just - I don’t really know what to say.” He shook his head slightly. He couldn’t stop staring at the cuff. He couldn’t believe Hongjoong had gone to all the money and the trouble just to get a gift for him. He couldn’t understand why; he wasn’t anything special.

“You’re not gonna cry, are you?”

That made him look up at Hongjoong, who was putting his weight on the sides of his feet nervously. “No,” Seonghwa assured him, despite the fact that his throat burned and his eyes stung, “I’m not going to cry.” He fingered the cuff some more before sliding it onto his wrist. “It’s just…” he continued. “This is the best gift I’ve ever received.”

A big, bright smile burst onto Hongjoong’s face as he nodded and looked down at the ground. “Good, I’m glad.” 

Seonghwa held open his arms. “Is it okay if I hug you?”

Hongjoong grumbled and shuffled his feet, but Seonghwa knew that it was his way of teasing him, so he took his grumbling as a yes. He wrapped his arms around Hongjoong and slung him around a bit. “Ah, why are you so sweet!” he said.

“Eh, stop it, my ears, they can’t take it!” Hongjoong whined but wrapped his arms around Seonghwa regardless.

*

Hongjoong demanded to clean the kitchen after they finished eating, so Seonghwa took the opportunity to go to their room and start sticking Hongjoong’s stars on the ceiling above his bunk. He figured that Hongjoong would probably get done with the washing first since Seonghwa wanted his constellations to be perfect, but he ended up wandering back into the kitchen after finishing his Aries constellation (he didn’t have the best imagination) to find Hongjoong doing more dancing than washing.

“What are you doing?” Seonghwa smiled at him.

Hongjoong turned around from the sink. “What? I can’t hear you, my headphones are too loud!” he gestured to his AirPods with soapy hands. And then he back to dancing wildly, jumping up and down and grinding the air.

He looked adorable and…happy. And Seonghwa wanted to be that happy too. Especially if it was with Hongjoong. So he walked over and took an AirPod out of his ear and stuck it in his own, resulting in a startled “Hey!” from Hongjoong.

“Michael Jackson, even on Christmas?” Seonghwa groaned.

“Michael Jackson gets to be heard every day, especially on Christmas,” he replied, hilariously serious.

He couldn’t argue much with that, so he helped Hongjoong finish the rest of the dishes as they danced side by side.

The rest of the day went by too fast. They took the opportunity of an empty dorm to spend their time in the main room instead of their cramped dorm room. They watched a movie, complained about how full they were, said they really needed to work off the calories, sat on the couch and watched some more movies, played a card game, did a pushup competition after feeling guilty about sitting for so long (it wasn’t much of a competition since both of them are pathetic), ate chocolate bread for dinner after the pushups tired them out, called some of the other members and teased them about all the empty dorm fun they were missing (as retaliation Wooyoung put his ninety-year old grandmother on the phone), and their night ended with Hongjoong talking to his mother on the phone out in the main room while Seonghwa did his long nightly skin-care routine in their bathroom.

Seonghwa was already up in his bunk playing on his phone by the time Hongjoong walked back to their room and shut the door. His eyes got blinded by his screen when the lights in their room were suddenly flicked off.

“Gah!” he exclaimed and hurried to turn down the phone’s brightness.

“Wow, they’re brighter than I thought they would be,” Hongjoong said in awe.

Seonghwa’s eyes finally adjusted to the new darkness and he looked up at the stars and then over to Hongjoong who still stood by the door. “Yeah, they’re really nice, thanks again.”

He walked over to the bunks. “San’ll probably be jealous.” The white glow from the stars partially illuminated his face.

“Yeah, probably,” Seonghwa snorted.

“Hang on, I wanna see them from your point-of-view,” he declared before climbing up the ladder.

He laid down his phone and moved over to make room for him. 

“Ooo,” Hongjoong paused at the top of the ladder to look up.

“Come here, I’ll show you all the constellations,” he gestured at him.

“You had time to make constellations?” He crawled his way over to Seonghwa and laid down next to him.

“Yeah ‘cause you were busy goofing off!”

“Yeah ‘cause you were busy goofing off!” Hongjoong parroted, mocking him.

Seonghwa slapped his hand lightly against Hongjoong’s chest. “Shush. You know, I’m getting déjà vu with you here,” he turned his head to look at Hongjoong.

He chuckled and glanced over at Seonghwa. “Yeah I know, I think you should start coming down to the bottom bunk more often. I’m tired of climbing up here.”

“But down there you wouldn’t get to see all the constellations! Like see, there’s Aries,” he pointed his right hand upwards at some of the stars and traced the constellation with his finger.

“Wow, how imaginative,” Hongjoong quipped.

He tutted at him. “Well, I included you too! There’s Scorpius right beside it!” He moved his hand over and mapped out the stars for Hongjoong.

“Wait,” he said and then grabbed onto Seonghwa’s raised wrist. It was the wrist Seonghwa had put the cuff on, so Hongjoong’s hand was wrapped around it tightly. “Trace it again.”

Seonghwa was suddenly hit by the intimacy of the moment. Of their sides pressed together, the darkened room, the gentle glow of the stars on their faces, Hongjoong’s warm hand on his wrist, the otherwise empty dorm…

And in that moment, as they were tracing Hongjoong’s star sign above Seonghwa’s bed, Seonghwa realized that he’d never been this close to someone before. He was never super close with his brother, and he just had casual friends throughout school. Never someone he’d consider a best friend. Never someone he’d create constellations for.

“Did you have a good Christmas?” Hongjoong asked him.

“You know, I think this might be one of my favorite Christmases,” Seonghwa answered honestly.

He smiled. “Me too.”


	2. Part Two, Section One: January - July 2019

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **!!!!TRIGGER WARNINGS for this chapter: homophobia, child abuse!!!!**
> 
> Please read with caution and enjoy!
> 
> This HAS NOT been beta-read by anyone other than me myself and I. Please comment any errors you see and I will fix them!

** **

* * *

** Part Two, Section One **

** January – July 2019 **

_Listen to: “God” by Head North and “Moondance” by AB6IX & JEON WOONG_

* * *

The younger boys were initially mad upon learning that Hongjoong had presented Seonghwa his cuff while they were away, but since their anger seemed to evaporate rather quickly, Seonghwa had a hunch that Hongjoong spoke with them and probably explained to them that Seonghwa was moping around a dark, empty dorm all Christmas Eve and required the extra present to cheer him up.

On another hunch, Seonghwa believed that the younger boys retaliated for the betrayal with a sharp increase of teasing. Obviously, he was long used to them teasing him. But there was definitely an uptick of a specific kind of teasing: his relationship with Hongjoong. Not to worry, they had many names for his relationship with Hongjoong. He had heard everything from “mom and dad” to “Seongjoong” to “the parents” to “Honghwa” to “bakkatyangban/ansaram” to “Parkim,” and an infinite amount of more. Mingi and Wooyoung were the source of about eighty percent of the nicknames.

Hongjoong responded as he normally did to that sort of thing. Threatening to speak to them alone in his room, threatening to embarrass them in front of the other boys, threatening to make them clean up after everyone…other typical things your parent would threaten you with. Which, for obvious reasons, didn’t help with the teasing.

But Seonghwa thought it was fine - just some light ribbing. Neither him nor Hongjoong seemed too bothered with it. Hongjoong continued wearing the nail polish Seonghwa had given him and Seonghwa continued wearing the cuff whenever they didn’t have schedules.

The teasing slowly got boring to the younger boys, they got busy with their comeback schedule, and all seemed forgotten.

Until after the Korean New Year holiday.

With a longer break, all the boys got to go home to their families to celebrate. And honestly, Seonghwa was disappointed. He would have much rather spent his time with Hongjoong again in the dorm, but he figured it would be peculiar and alarming to tell Hongjoong that he’d rather spend the holidays with him instead of his own family.

So he endured the small talk, the suffocating hugs, and the impersonal gifts, and was happy to be back at the dorm at the end of the holidays. He wanted to catch up on lost time with Hongjoong, laugh at some of the cringe gifts he got from his extended family, and talk to him about any updates Hongjoong had about the fallout with his father.

But Hongjoong was the only person not at the dorm when he finally arrived from his train.

“He is out with his friends, Hyung,” Yunho told Seonghwa after Seonghwa re-emerged from his dorm room, knowing who he was looking for.

“Who?” Seonghwa took out his phone to see if he had any missed texts from Hongjoong. He didn’t.

“Uhhh, Ollounder-hyung and Buddy-hyung?” Mingi said and looked over at Yunho next to him on the couch who only shrugged in response.

“He has been staying out with them late the past couple of nights,” San explained, not looking up from the TV they were all watching.

“Since when? I thought he was at his mother’s this whole time?” Seonghwa asked.

Mingi waved Seonghwa away. “Just text him and ask. He is your husband, not ours.”

He frowned at Mingi before padding back to his room.

While unpacking, he thought long and hard about Hongjoong’s newfound friendship. All of the members were friendly with their producers. As they should be. But it was news to Seonghwa that he and the producer hyungs were friends. Like, _hang out late at night friends_. And apparently, they were holiday friends too. Lucky them.

Seonghwa aggressively shoved some of his dirty laundry from his suitcase into his laundry bag. They were probably more fun than Seonghwa. That’s probably why Hongjoong liked them better. They probably had more in common with him, and shared his similar sense of humor, and acted more mature. Or maybe Hongjoong liked hanging out with them more because he was sick of seeing Seonghwa all the time. Living together and working together was probably not an ideal set up. That’s why Mingi and Yunho and then Wooyoung and San were always hanging out. They didn’t have to wake up and see that person every morning.

Once he was done with all of his unpacking, he continued pondering hard on the subject as he went out to the main rooms to clean up after everyone else’s messes.

Was he jealous of the producer hyungs?

Yeah, he wasn’t stupid. He was definitely jealous. He should’ve never gone back home because that could’ve been _him_ spending time with Hongjoong instead.

He turned on the vacuum, inciting groans from everyone trying to watch the TV. “No wonder his family sent him back!” He heard Mingi joke.

After rolling the vacuum over to Mingi and passive-aggressively trying to suck up his sock, he again continued on with his jealousy spiral.

What Seonghwa needed was a break friend. “Break friend”: someone who was your friend when you became sick of your best friend. A perfect example: Wooyoung and Yeosang were best friends but San was Wooyoung’s break friend.

Obviously, the producer hyungs were Hongjoong’s break friend.

So who could be Seonghwa’s?

After finishing the cleaning and failing to suck up any of Mingi’s socks, he applied his face mask as he brainstormed potential friends. He didn’t know anyone in Seoul outside of his other members. So, it was a small pool he was working with.

Wooyoung and San were taken, and Yunho and Mingi were taken, so that left Jongho and Yeosang.

Don’t get him wrong, he loved all his members equally. But he was definitely closer to some than others. Yeosang was very quiet and Jongho didn’t like being babied (something Seonghwa had a bad tendency of doing around him), which was probably why he wasn’t closer to them. But it was never too late to try?

He really didn’t want to third-wheel anyone like he usually did whenever Hongjoong wasn’t around. It was completely selfish, but Seonghwa wanted a friend all to himself. Someone who would always be there whenever Hongjoong wasn’t.

He was still awake in his bunk, playing with the corners of his face mask and staring up at the Scorpius constellation, when he heard their door slowly creak open. Seonghwa was dying to know what time it was, but he didn’t want to check his phone because he hadn’t decided if he was going to feign being asleep yet or not.

Hongjoong’s figure tiptoed across their dorm room and Seonghwa heard the bunk squeak ever-so slightly as Hongjoong delicately sat down on his bed.

A petty part of Seonghwa wanted to stay silent and feign sleep, but the lonely part of Seonghwa, the part that had missed Hongjoong while being gone for so many days, was the part that won the battle. “Did you have fun?” he said evenly.

“Ah!” He heard Hongjoong yelp in fright. “Fuck,” he sighed. “I thought you were asleep.”

Seonghwa ignored him. “I thought you were gonna spend time with your mother over the holiday.”

“I did. Is it okay if I turn on the lights since you aren’t asleep anyway?”

“Sure, why not.”

He heard Hongjoong get up from the bunk.

Once the lights were on, he peered over the railing of the bunk so he could look at Hongjoong. “Well, how did everything with your mother go?” he asked.

Hongjoong walked back to his bunk and started digging through his backpack. “Oh, yeah, it was fine.” He sounded distracted.

He had to crane his neck down further to see him. “Your father didn’t show up, did he?”

“Nope.”

Wow, great conversation they were having. He was getting flashbacks to the equally awkward and terse conversations him and his own father held over the past couple of days. He had been looking forward to getting to talk to Hongjoong once again, but Seonghwa couldn’t figure out whether his expectations had been too high, or if Hongjoong was really just acting curt with him for some unknown reason.

“I didn’t know you were that close with Ollounder-hyung and all of them,” Seonghwa said.

He shrugged. “Yeah, uh, we’ve just been going through some tracks lately. No big deal.” He plugged up his Macbook to charge and then headed over to his closet to grab some clothes. “Well, it’s late, I’m gonna get ready for bed,” he bid to Seonghwa before going into their bathroom.

Not only was he not giving Seonghwa the time of day…but he also didn’t turn the light back off.

He cursed his name under his breath as he climbed all the way down the bunk to turn the lights off.

Hongjoong wasn’t acting normal, right? Seonghwa was either misinterpreting things, or he had really missed a lot while he was gone.

Either way, Seonghwa was going to be on a quest: find a break friend because obviously Hongjoong had found his. Message received on that front.

Unfortunately, he didn’t really want a break friend…he just wanted Hongjoong.

*

_It’s snowing. He sees it falling all around him as he lies sprawled in the vastness of white. A soft breeze comes and whips some of the snow off the ground._

_Looking up at the clear blue sky, eyes suddenly appear, blocking his view. The eyes are kind and gaze down on him unblinkingly._

_The snow, the sky, the wind - everything goes calm around him._

_He reaches up to the pair of eyes and his hand meets the smooth skin of a cheek. He feels the warmth of the skin on his palm and he can’t help but repeatedly rub the cheek with the pad of his thumb._

_Something white flashes across his vision and when his eyes refocus, he finds himself looking up at Hongjoong._

_Hongjoong beams his pretty smile down at him and Seonghwa doesn’t know why he hadn’t recognized the eyes when he first saw them._

_“Hongjoong-ah?” he breathes._

_“Shhh,” he hushes him softly._

_Seonghwa cups Hongjoong’s face with both of his hands. Everything has faded around them and all he can see for miles is Hongjoong. “Hongjoong-ah,” he repeats. He never wants to leave this place. Everything is so peaceful, he has no worries, and Hongjoong is right there with him._

_Hongjoong blinks slowly and covers one of Seonghwa’s hands with his own._

_“Hongjoong-ah,” his voice cracks._

_Hongjoong leans in closer._

Seonghwa woke with a jolt, staring up at his stars. That was the first thing he noticed anyway. The second thing he noticed was the feeling of his wet and sticky underwear clinging to him underneath his sweats. The confusion and shame followed shortly after.

Had he really just…?

No.

Impossible.

He didn’t even want to move, afraid that Hongjoong was awake below him already fully aware of what was going on in Seonghwa’s bunk.

Had he been loud? Their bunk wasn’t the sturdiest - it always creaked at the slightest movements.

His underwear was becoming increasingly more uncomfortable. He strained his ear to see if he could hear any movement from below him.

What should he do? If he got down the bunk and immediately started rummaging around in his closet, Hongjoong would know what had happened. There would be no other plausible explanation for him changing his clothes in the middle of the night.

But he couldn’t just lay there with cold, wet underwear.

He couldn’t believe this was happening to him. He hadn’t had a wet dream since he was in school, and back then he had the privacy of his own room to change his underwear as many times as he wanted.

Also, those wet dreams didn’t involve other men.

Especially a roommate.

There must be some sort of mistake. Maybe he was misremembering the dream. Maybe he ate something too spicy for dinner. Maybe it was a wet dream nightmare. Yes, those could be a thing, right?

It had remained quiet from Hongjoong’s bunk, so he decided to venture down very carefully and tiptoe his way to their bathroom.

Once he was in the solitary safety, he allowed himself to fully freak the fuck out.

What the fuck was wrong with him? He had just come in his pants dreaming about Hongjoong. Hongjoong. Another man. His supposed friend. That was disgusting. He was disgusting. And it wasn’t even a bad dream. It was pleasant. It felt nice.

He thought he was going to be sick as he leaned over the counter and looked at himself in the mirror. “What the fuck are you doing?” he whispered at himself.

He liked girls. He wanted to have sex with girls. His school girlfriend that he had fooled around with – he liked _that_. He found that pleasant and nice. He wasn’t supposed to find _Hongjoong_ pleasant and nice. Because Hongjoong was a boy and he liked girls.

Was this all some sort of sicko nightmare? Was he going to wake up once again in his bunk but this time scared shitless and thanking god that his underwear was in fact clean after all?

Seonghwa shucked off his pants and underwear, seeing the evidence that either he hadn’t woken up yet, or this was unfortunately reality. He paced around naked from the waist down trying to think about what to do with the underwear. He’d already accepted the fact that he was going to have to sleep the rest of the night without underwear underneath his sweatpants (a necessary evil to prevent waking up Hongjoong).

He couldn’t leave his underwear on the ground. What if Hongjoong saw? That meant he had to find a hiding place. His eyes cut down to his vanity drawer. They both had their own drawers for their toiletries and things. Hongjoong wouldn’t open Seonghwa’s.

Picking up the underwear with disgust, he opened the drawer and dropped them in there. He was about to shut the drawer back before he paused. What if Hongjoong was so sleepy and disoriented that he for some reason opened Seonghwa’s drawer before Seonghwa had the opportunity to come and remove them in the morning? He couldn’t take that risk. He shoved the underwear to the very back of the drawer.

After he cleaned his body up a little and put his sweatpants back on, he went back to freaking out and pacing.

It was like Hongjoong knew that Seonghwas fucked up in the head. That must be why he had been acting so distant in the last couple of weeks, hanging out with the producer hyungs any chance he got. Meanwhile, that left Seonghwa bored and drifting from one member to the other – somehow finding comfort and belonging with none of them. At least, not to the same level that Hongjoong offered him.

Hongjoong gave him emotional comfort. Not…sexual. He couldn’t. That would be revolting and repulsive and…oh what would Hongjoong even think if he found out what had happened?

He was practically hyperventilating at this point. What was he going to do? They were leaving for their tour in a couple of days. He couldn’t room with Hongjoong, that was out of the question. How was he even going to look at him in the morning? Be around him at practices? Be around him at all?

He had to fix this obvious mistake, fast.

As time was passing, he had hoped the dream would start to fade like all of his other past dreams. But no, it was burned into his brain clear as day, probably because it was so traumatic. But…nothing really sexual had even happened. There wasn’t any kissing, neither of them were naked…maybe the dream had nothing to do with his “nighttime release.” Maybe it was just a coincidence. Or maybe he had a dream about a super hot girl after the Hongjoong dream and he just couldn’t remember that one. 

Honestly though, he was starting to suspect that it was probably all from the fact that he never got any chances to masturbate. He was either too tired, or too busy, or too weirded out by having to share a room with Hongjoong. This was all just his body telling him that it was okay to masturbate, and he needed to, unless he wanted more disturbing dreams. And his brain had probably just picked Hongjoong because that was who he saw every day. No big deal. Problem solved. All he needed to do was masturbate more and hang out with anyone but Hongjoong.

He left their bathroom feeling better about himself. He was relieved that he had taken the time to figure it all out.

Everything would work out just fine.

*

For their tour Seonghwa and Yeosang were paired up for rooms, and Seonghwa was more than thrilled. Yeosang was the perfect “break friend” candidate. They were close in age, had similar temperaments, and both had friends who seemingly preferred hanging out with anyone but them. He and Yeosang were friendly but not too terribly close with each other. Spending several weeks traveling the world and sleeping in the same room seemed like the perfect opportunity to get closer to someone. 

Seonghwa was so excited to have the chance to forge a break friend friendship that he went out and bought them both matching pajama sets. Hongjoong never seemed to be into the matching outfit thing, so hopefully Yeosang would be into it.

The final week before they left, Seonghwa did a pretty decent job of avoiding Hongjoong. Of course, Hongjoong helped by always being away doing something else – either in the studio, with the producer hyungs, or just anywhere else that Seonghwa wasn’t.

On the night before their flight to America, Hongjoong was in their room…because all of the members were scrambling to pack last minute.

Seonghwa tried to focus on his own vacuum packing as Yunho kept coming in and out of their room, talking and joking around with Hongjoong who was going to be his roommate for the tour.

“Seonghwa-hyung, I should have let you help me pack my things!” Yunho said and moved to stand over Seonghwa’s suitcase. “You are very efficient.”

He smiled and grabbed some more of his clothes to shove in a vacuum pack. “Well, I had to find a way to pack a hundred outfits.”

Yunho bent down and picked up the matching pajama set. “Ooo what are these? These are nice.”

“Ah,” Seonghwa leaned up to take them quickly from Yunho. He glanced briefly over at Hongjoong, who was trying to sort through dozens of hats and bags. “I bought those for me and Yeosang.”

“Awh! And they are matching! How cute! Hey Hongjoong-hyung, where are my matching pajamas?”

Seonghwa frantically tried to shush Yunho. Partly because he was keeping it a surprise for Yeosang, and partly because he didn’t want Hongjoong to know. Not that he cared if Hongjoong knew per-say, he just didn’t really want to know Hongjoong’s thoughts on the matter. Seonghwa was trying to let Hongjoong influence his life _less_ lately. (Hoping to prevent a Wet Dream v.2 from happening.)

“Hm?” Hongjoong heard Yunho say his name so he looked over at the two.

Yunho pointed over at the pajamas that Seonghwa still held in his hands. “Seonghwa-hyung got him and Yeosang matching pajamas! We should have gotten some!”

“Oh, Hongjoong doesn’t like matching,” Seonghwa said, probably with too much spite in his tone, and shoved the pajamas into the vacuum pack.

“That’s not true, I don’t mind it.”

Seonghwa looked over at Hongjoong. He was staring at Seonghwa with a confused look on his face. “You always tease me whenever we end up matching clothes,” Seonghwa disagreed.

“No, we matched pinkies that one time, remember?” Hongjoong held up his pinky finger that was now white, but back then had been a light blue. And so had Seonghwa’s.

He didn’t know why he had suddenly felt so defensive over the idea of Hongjoong and Yunho wearing matching pajamas. But he felt angry for some reason. Angry that yes, they had matched pinkies that one time, but there were so many times before that that Hongjoong had given Seonghwa a hard time about matching clothes. But never the other members. He was sure that Hongjoong and some of the other members had matched at one point or another. And he never saw Hongjoong giving them a hard time.

And it didn’t stop at clothes. Sharing food, giving hugs, holding hands, it was all okay for the other members to do with Hongjoong. But not Seonghwa.

Wait.

What the fuck was he doing, yet again? Hongjoong had a right to treat Seonghwa differently than the other members. The other members probably weren’t having unnaturally creepy dreams about Hongjoong. No, Hongjoong and Seonghwa definitely did not need to be wearing matching clothes, or sharing food, or giving hugs, or holding hands. In fact, Seonghwa needed to be staying far, far away from Hongjoong.

“Awh, it is so cute when you two argue,” Yunho grinned at them both.

Hongjoong smirked at Seonghwa but still spoke to Yunho. “We aren’t arguing, Seonghwa’s just wrong.” 

Yes, Seonghwa was very wrong indeed.

*

Yeosang was very chill. He managed to keep things entertaining enough in their hotel room with his dry sense of humor, but being around him was always a nice way to unwind after spending all day with the louder boys like San, Wooyoung, and Mingi.

Oh, and he laughed super hard whenever Seonghwa brought out their matching pajamas. He also immediately went and put them on, making Seonghwa felt like he had done something right. After their concerts, they’d go back to their hotel room and lounge around in their pajamas and eat some of Yeosang’s candy and show each other memes on their phones.

During the times they actually got some downtime to experience their journey across America, Seonghwa tried to stay close to Yeosang and eventually he was accepted into the rambunctious group of Yeosang, San, and Wooyoung.

Yunho’s birthday was during their time in New York and he was excited that he got to eat New York City hotdogs for his birthday.

Seonghwa saw Hongjoong frequently enough but spoke to him very little. He seemed to be hanging around Yunho for most of the trip, which made sense. Seonghwa was having so much fun with Yeosang, San, and Wooyoung that he didn’t mind at all as to what Hongjoong did and with who.

It was in their last hotel night in Los Angeles, and Seonghwa began to feel panicked. Probably because they were flying back to Seoul in the morning for their one-week break between touring and Seonghwa knew that his “break friend vacation” would be over, and he’d be sleeping on top of Hongjoong once again. (Obviously, his brain was not functioning the way it should be since he kept repeating that last phrase over and over again in his head.)

He was afraid of what might happen when he got back to Seoul. He’d had his vacation from Hongjoong but, what if he subconsciously missed Hongjoong so much that his brain ended up betraying him and giving him another Hongjoong dream again? With still no good opportunities to masturbate, he had tried to keep an eye out for beautiful women whenever they were out in public while traveling. He’d discovered that Wooyoung was a good wing man for this purpose, as they’d both find each other staring at the same woman, turn to each other and laugh and make comments on how hot she was. It helped keep him in the reality of straightness. Not that being gay was bad. It was just…he wasn’t gay. So he had to make sure of that.

But he also had to make sure his relationship with Hongjoong was normal for two straight guys. Since he’d never had such a close relationship with another guy, he had nothing else to base it off of.

Luckily though, he was rooming with someone who had been best friends with another group member for years and years – a member he also shared a room with. Not only was Yeosang the perfect break friend, he was also the perfect “straightness confirmer.”

And Seonghwa really needed his straightness confirmed before he back to sleeping on top of Hongjoong…

He got flashbacks to the awkward conversation he had had with Yunho the previous year about thinking Hongjoong was pretty. If only Yunho knew now how far Seonghwa’s thoughts about Hongjoong had progressed.

Yeosang and Seonghwa had settled in bed for the night and they both had their facemasks on. A perfect way for Seonghwa to hide his face from Yeosang while he attempted to understand the intricacies of having an affectionate, yet not gay, relationship with another man.

“Yeosang-ah?”

Yeosang didn’t look up from his phone. “Hm?”

“You’ve been friends for Wooyoung for how long now?”

“Uhhh,” Yeosang blinked over at Seonghwa as he thought about it. “Four years? Yeah, that sounds right.”

“Do you ever get tired of rooming with him? Like you need a break from him?”

He laughed under his breath. “Always. Love him, but he is so goddamn loud sometimes. Rooming with you has been a nice break, for sure.”

Seonghwa perked up in his bed. “That’s exactly how I feel!”

“Yeah, I am sure all of us feel that way about one another at some point.”

Seonghwa had really been talking about Yeosang’s last statement of enjoying rooming together with Seonghwa. Obviously, Yeosang was talking about getting tired of your roommate. Which was fine. Seonghwa grew tired of Hongjoong too. It was exhausting being on constant guard around him, trying to regulate his thoughts into normal, more appropriate things. Trying hard not to be too attached to him and trying to seem like a chill roommate. Trying not to dote on him so much or worry about him all the time. It was all tiring in that way. And Seonghwa didn’t have to worry about all of that when he was with Yeosang.

“Do you, like, lowkey miss him though?” Seonghwa asked, knowing he still missed Hongjoong despite being so tired.

Yeosang shrugged. “I mean, I still have to see him every day. I guess it is kind of weird at night not to see him when I fall asleep.”

He nodded. “Yeah.” Knowing the other person was there was comforting for sure, that was, when Hongjoong was actually there when he fell asleep.

“Why do you ask, though? Have you gotten tired of Hongjoong? What ever could he have done?” Yeosang joked.

Well, it was more about what Seonghwa was doing, to be honest. But he couldn’t exactly be honest about it to Yeosang, could he? He was taking that Hongjoong dream straight to hell with him. “It’s just…I’ve never been that close with anyone before outside of my family. So it’s kinda weird to me still,” he spoke as frankly as he possible could without giving too much away.

“Hm, yeah that is understandable. But it is nice having someone there for you, you know? I know Wooyoung always has my back. He is my brother.”

“Your brother,” Seonghwa repeated.

“Yeah, you are my brother too. You are all my brothers,” he said. 

Oh, Seonghwa couldn’t be gay AND incestuous. He definitely did not see Hongjoong as his brother. At least, he hoped to god not. This conversation was not helping him at all.

Yeosang must have read something from Seonghwa’s silence as he asked: “Do you not feel the same way?”

His mouth was suddenly dry when he went to take a deep breath before saying: “Of course you’re all my brothers. I just…I don’t see Hongjoong the same way.”

“Oh. Why?” Yeosang fully put down his phone and turned his body towards Seonghwa’s bed.

“I don’t know. I think I’m just lonely, or confused, or fucked up, or something because when I look at him…I – I don’t know.” It was obvious he was trying to sort out his thoughts while he talked because a rambling, nonsensical mess came out.

“You’re lonely?”

Seonghwa had to look down and play with the hem of the bedsheet. “I don’t mean lonely like that,” he murmured, “I mean lonely like…girls.”

“Oh.”

And the room went silent. And Seonghwa wanted to die. Well, erase Yeosang’s memory and then die.

“Well,” Yeosang thankfully, finally said something. “You are the only one here who had ever gone past first base with girls before. So it makes sense that you would be lonely and miss girls. The rest of us do not really have anything to miss.”

Ah, ever-so wise Yeosang. That did make sense. Except, Yeosang kinda breezed by the part about Hongjoong. “Do you ever have those sorts of feelings towards Wooyoung?” Seonghwa pried.

“What sort of feelings?”

“Like um,” he fumbled for the right wordage, “ _lonely_ feelings.” It was a vague way to put it, but Seonghwa hoped that connotation and context clues would help Yeosang pick up the subtext. 

“ _Oh_. Um…no? I do not think so. But I mean, like I said, I had only ever kissed one girl and nothing else so you know, there is nothing for me to go off of to be lonely about. I just, you know…watch some videos on my phone if I ever get that way…”

Seonghwa couldn’t imagine this conversation being any more awkward. He gave a nervous chuckle and said: “Yeah.”

“But I would not think too much of whatever you are feeling about Hongjoong-hyung,” Yeosang comforted him. “You two spend a lot of time together. I am sure it is just natural. It will go away over time once you get more used to each other.”

Hope sprung in Seonghwa’s chest. “You think?”

“Sure. Being an idol really is not a normal experience, is it?” he smiled at him.

Seonghwa nodded. “Yeah, true.”

The room fell silent once more.

The painfully awkward, embarrassing, mortifying talk with Yeosang might have been worth it all along. With some time, inward reflection, and increased pornography viewing, Seonghwa might be able to fix his Hongjoong issue once and for all. He didn’t feel so much as a freak anymore. Sure, Yeosang had never experienced the type of thing Seonghwa was experiencing, but Yeosang didn’t condemn him it for it. It was all just growing pains while trying to transition from normal life to idol life. The others were just adapting a bit better than Seonghwa.

But he still didn’t want anyone else to know about his Hongjoong problem. Yeosang was already one person too many.

“Hey, uh, this’ll all stay between us, right?” Seonghwa asked.

“Of course, I got your back, Hyung.”

Seonghwa allowed himself to feel optimistic. Optimistic because he grew closer to Yeosang, and optimistic that his feelings toward Hongjoong would soon pass.

*

Just for safety while he waited for the weird feelings to eventually pass, Seonghwa maintained his distance from Hongjoong once they got back home to the dorms. They were so tired from the first leg of the tour anyways; it really wasn’t even noticeable that Seonghwa wasn’t very talkative.

Plus, his birthday was coming up. Since it fell on their London concert date, he took the week to spend time doing some of the stuff he wanted to do while they were back home in Seoul. One day he went shopping and to his delight Yeosang tagged along. To spice things up, they decided to get another pair of matching pajamas. Yeosang tried and failed several times to get Seonghwa to tell him what he wanted for his birthday, but Seonghwa really wasn’t expecting much. He liked gifts as much as the next person, but nothing was ever going to top the silver cuff Hongjoong had gotten him, that he was still wearing as often as he could. He wore it so much that he had gotten in the habit of absentmindedly twisting it around his wrist whenever he was nervous or bored.

When they were in the airport waiting for their flight to London, cheap ass Mingi tried telling Seonghwa that he was giving Seonghwa Atiny for his birthday.

To be fair, seeing Atiny on his birthday was definitely an added bonus. But it was always great seeing Atiny. They were incredibly lucky to be going on a world tour within just a few months of debuting and he was never ceased to be amazed by how many Atinys came and how many of them knew all of the words to their songs. They all sang him happy birthday and gave him presents, and yeah, he definitely shed a few tears. 

After their stage, they all went to a nice London restaurant for his birthday. The managers let them all get whatever they wanted, so Seonghwa got himself a ginormous mid-rare steak (that he ended up giving the leftovers to Yunho).

San kept his arm around Seonghwa the whole dinner and it was nice to have all the members take a day off from teasing him so much. Well, for the most part. Wooyoung was a lost cause.

They all gave him their presents at the restaurant (Yunho gave him a board game, San teabags, Mingi a keychain, Yeosang and Wooyoung face cream, Jongho cologne), but when it got to Hongjoong’s turn he said: “I’ll give Seonghwa his present back at the hotel.”

Seonghwa’s heart began to pound as the table suddenly erupted in conversation.

“Hyung must’ve not gotten him anything!” Wooyoung laughed.

“Yeah, ‘cause blew his bank on that bracelet!” Jongho chimed in.

“Where’s our bracelets!” Mingi shouted.

“Wooyoung-ah,” Hongjoong said sharply and pointed at him. “Do you want to come to my room later?”

Wooyoung gestured over to Jongho and Mingi. “Not fair! They said something too!”

Hongjoong leaned back in his chair and laughed. “Yeah, but you said something first!” 

Seonghwa and Hongjoong made eye contact as he still laughed about Wooyoung. His eyes were crinkled and his lips were pulled back so you could see his full set of pretty teeth.

San had taken his arm away at some point, but he slung it back over Seonghwa’s shoulder once again. It took Seonghwa’s attention away from Hongjoong for a second, and once he looked back over at Hongjoong his smile had faded and he was looking away at some of the other members.

Seonghwa didn’t know what to expect once they got back to the hotel. He assumed that Hongjoong had just forgotten his present and would bring it to Seonghwa’s room and that would be the end of it. He was expecting something small and convenient, like a gift card or socks or something.

But when they got to their floor and the members split off to head to their rooms, Hongjoong grabbed onto Seonghwa’s elbow. “Your present’s in my room,” Hongjoong explained before leading him towards his room with Yunho. Wondering where Yunho was, Seonghwa looked back to see Yunho going inside Mingi and San’s room.

When the door closed behind them, and they were all alone in Hongjoong’s room, for some reason Seonghwa became nervous and jittery. Which was weird. He was alone with Hongjoong all the time. Normally every day. He didn’t understand what was suddenly so different. He decided to just chalk it off to anticipation for his present.

“Close your eyes, okay?” Hongjoong told him.

Seonghwa obeyed and hovered in the middle of the room as Hongjoong rustled around somewhere, presumably by his bed.

“Okay, you can open them.”

He opened his eyes and Hongjoong stood in front of him holding up a Louis Vuitton box.

“Surprise! Happy birthday, Seonghwa-sshi!” He waved the box around with a wide smile on his face.

Fucking Louis Vuitton.

He got him Louis Vuitton.

It didn’t even matter what was inside because it was worth way too much money than what Seonghwa needed or deserved.

“Well, go on, open it!”

Seonghwa tentatively took the box from him and opened it, revealing a black, compact Louis Vuitton wallet. Something probably worth 500,000 won.

He was utterly horrified. And it probably showed on his face, because Hongjoong’s smile slowly faded. “Do you not like it?” he asked.

“Do I not…” Seonghwa shook his head. “Hongjoong-ah, where did you get the money for this?”

“Well, I mean…it was from last season. So, it wasn’t too much.”

He would have rather gotten a gift card instead of Hongjoong spending an insane amount of money on him no reason. “I can’t accept this. It’s too much,” he thrusted the box back at Hongjoong.

Hongjoong didn’t take the box. “But when we were in New York, and we were walking on Fifth Avenue, you were talking about how much you wanted something Louis Vuitton. So I figured…”

“You remember that?” Seonghwa himself barely remembered it. He faintly recalled passing the Louis Vuitton store.

“Of course I do.”

Seonghwa’s nervousness was long forgotten, and instead it had been replaced with confusion and anger. Confusion at how Hongjoong had rationalized spending that much money on a birthday gift, and anger that he thought Seonghwa wanted that expensive of a birthday gift.

“Okay, we have to talk,” Seonghwa sat the box down on the nearest bed.

Hongjoong’s eyebrows raised. “Are you angry with me?”

“Honestly, a little, yeah,” he admitted. 

“Why? You’re the one who’s been ignoring me the past month.”

“Me? When I got back from New Year’s you were always out every night with the producer hyungs.”

“And what about now? Hm?” Hongjoong took a step forward. “The producer hyungs aren’t here but instead of hanging out with me you’re running off with _San_ and you’re buying you and Yeosang matching pajamas and…” his voice trailed off.

Was Hongjoong…jealous? Because that’s what it seemed like with him standing there, tugging on his shirt collar and looking everywhere but at Seonghwa.

Of course, Seonghwa felt some sort of satisfaction knowing that Hongjoong was just as jealous as he was. But, at the same time, he knew that it wasn’t good. None of what was going on between them was good. It was just confusing their relationship further. Hongjoong being jealous, buying him expensive gifts…Seonghwa being jealous, having dreams about him…It couldn’t be normal. It didn’t sound like something normal.

Yet, Yeosang seemed very casual when they spoke about it in Los Angeles. Maybe not all friendships were the same, and this was just Hongjoong and Seonghwa’s friendship: a mess of push and pull, intimacy and distance, lots of unsaid things…

Seonghwa knew that Hongjoong meant a lot to him. Hongjoong had to, if Seonghwa felt such a need to comfort Hongjoong as he stood there probably feeling dejected. Obviously, keeping a distance between them wasn’t working, at least not for Hongjoong. And after some self-reflection, it wasn’t working for Seonghwa either, because before he stopped himself, he confessed: “You know, I’ve missed you. A lot.” 

“So why have you been avoiding me?” 

_Because I had a wet dream about you_. “I don’t know, I just thought that…you got tired of me.” It was partially the truth, he supposed.

“I just have other friends…It’s okay to have other friends. You have your other friends too.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Seonghwa shrugged and sat down on the bed next to the Louis Vuitton box with his head hanging down. He knew that it was okay to have other friends. He wanted to have other friends. He just didn’t want Hongjoong to have other friends. But he also didn’t always want to be feeling this way about Hongjoong either. Lonely, confused, needy, jealous. 

Hongjoong moved to squat in front of Seonghwa so that he could look up at him. “‘Hwa, what’s wrong? It’s your birthday. I just want you to be happy. I’m sorry if I’ve done anything wrong.”

Seonghwa sharply inhaled when he looked into Hongjoong’s kind eyes. “You haven’t. It’s me. I’m just…scared.”

“Scared? Of what?”

“…I’ve never been this close to someone before…You know, except for family…And it’s scary.”

Hongjoong paused before he said: “I feel the same way sometimes.”

“You do?”

“Yes,” he said emphatically. “I would do anything for you, you know.”

“And I’d do anything for you. You’re my best friend.”

Hongjoong patted Seonghwa’s knee. “Yes…best friends.”

“So can we stop doing this whole thing of ignoring each other off and on again?” Seonghwa chuckled.

“I promise if you promise.” Hongjoong fell backwards on his butt so he could sit cross-legged on the floor.

“No, you gotta promise first!”

“Me?” Hongjoong laughed. “That’s not fair…Okay, how about this. I’ll promise first _if_ you accept the wallet as a gift.”

Seonghwa bounced happily on the bed and grabbed the wallet from the box. “Okay, deal.”

He gave a low whistle. “Wow, you didn’t put up much of a fight, did you?”

“Well, come on, look at it,” Seonghwa held up the wallet with lots of grandeur, “it’s a nice wallet.”

“I know! A thank you would be nice!”

“Okay, but where’s your promise to me?”

“For crying out loud,” Hongjoong scrambled up to stand. He took one of Seonghwa’s hands and said with an almost joking-sincerity: “Seonghwa-sshi, I promise I will never ignore you again.”

“And that you’ll stop buying me ridiculously expensive gifts?” Seonghwa looked pointedly at the wrist of the hand Hongjoong held. The one that wore the silver cuff.

Hongjoong’s jaw clenched as he looked down at the cuff on Seonghwa’s wrist. He slid his thumb upwards, so it was lightly touching the edge of the bracelet. “I like buying you nice things though. You deserve them,” he said thickly.

His breath hitched and he had to clear his throat in order to speak again. “Well, I’d think I’d rather spend time with you instead as a gift.”

He nodded slowly and then reached his other hand out for the wallet Seonghwa held closely. “Well then I guess I can return this.”

“No!” Seonghwa dodged his hand. “Um, that’ll be starting next holiday.”

Hongjoong chuckled. “Oh, yeah, mhm, that’s what I thought.”

“And yes, I promise I’ll stop ignoring you. Unless you ignore me first of course.”

“You’re impossible sometimes,” he mused. 

Seonghwa opened his mouth to reply, but Yunho came flying into the hotel room with Mingi on his tail. Hongjoong jumped backwards from Seonghwa at the disruption.

“Hyung! Did you give Seonghwa his expensive gift yet?” Mingi asked.

Hongjoong glowered at Yunho. “Yunho-yah! You weren’t supposed to tell anyone.”

While Mingi went straight to Seonghwa to “ooh” and “ahh” at the wallet, Yunho shrugged sheepishly. “Whoops!”

Hongjoong threw his hands up in surrender and retreated over to the corner of the room. Seonghwa refused to let himself feel sad or irritated about his alone time with Hongjoong being interrupted. They couldn’t spend every waking moment alone together. And they had their own respective friends outside of each other. And it was all okay, because they were each other’s best friends.

To prevent any weirdness that could happen again in Seonghwa’s dreams, once he pried himself away from Yunho and Mingi and went back to his own hotel room, he took an extra-long shower before bed while Yeosang watched a loud movie. He was extra careful to think of his ex-girlfriend, Hwasa, IU, and others as he took himself in his hand. He came fast and hard thinking about Taeyeon from SNSD.

It was a good birthday.

*

For their Japan Kcon schedule the following month, the group members roomed with their regular roommates. By that point, Seonghwa and Hongjoong were on good terms once again. They’d hung out the rest of the European tour and they both actively tried to include each other more in things.

Once they had gotten back to Seoul from the European tour, Hongjoong had invited Seonghwa to come with him to the studio to see him and the producer hyungs work. Seonghwa definitely just sat in the back the whole time and observed, but he had loved seeing Hongjoong in his element. He couldn’t help but feel proud as Hongjoong gave his opinion openly on tracks and spat out music terminology left and right.

And at one point, Hongjoong had even turned around in his seat and asked Seonghwa for his input on a specific chorus.

“Oh, I do not know, I think it is great the way it is,” Seonghwa had said.

“No, really, what do you think?” Hongjoong had asked.

Hongjoong, Eden, Leez, and Buddy had looked expectantly at Seonghwa.

“Well, um…since it is the last chorus of the song, maybe do something to set it apart? Like maybe there is a moment where the backing track stops and it is just Jongho’s voice at first? Like at the part when he goes ‘whoa’?” 

Hongjoong had beamed at him as the other producers nodded their heads.

“Yeah, for sure, I think that would work well,” Eden had said. “Good job, Little Eden.”

After they had wrapped up, Hongjoong had slung an arm around Seonghwa’s shoulders and pulled him in close. “See, this is why you’re my roommate,” Hongjoong had said.

In retrospect, he hadn’t really offered much in terms of suggestions, but he had appreciated all the compliments.

Especially the ones from Hongjoong.

So with how things were going with Hongjoong, Seonghwa wasn’t worried about rooming with him in Japan…until he saw their room.

“Oh, one bed,” Hongjoong said as soon as they walked through the door.

Sheer panic set in. Sure, he thankfully hadn’t had any more horrifying late-night dreams, but he hadn’t slept in the same bed as Hongjoong since they were in California before debut. Which was a year ago. Way before he started thinking Hongjoong was pretty or started dreaming about him at night.

“You can have the bed,” Seonghwa immediately offered before Hongjoong could. There was no way in hell he was sharing a bed with Hongjoong. He was already mortified enough with what had happened when he was in the bunk above him. What if the same thing happened when he was lain right next to him?

Hongjoong scoffed before throwing his bag onto the bed. “Don’t be silly, we’ve shared worse than a bed before. We shared a _couch_ , if you don’t remember.”

He did remember, and looking back on the memory, he couldn’t believe he had done that. Now it’d be a recipe for disaster. Like the one bed right in front of them.

“Hey, if you don’t wanna share, we can work something else out?” Hongjoong said, probably because Seonghwa was still standing by the door, swaying awkwardly with his bag on his shoulder.

He didn’t know what else they would work out that didn’t involve someone sleeping on the floor or them switching roommates. Both terrible alternatives. “No,” he shook his head and threw his bag on the bed also, in a sign of approval. “This is fine. I’m sure you don’t have any diseases.”

Hongjoong snorted. “Yeah, as far as you know!”

They both unpacked and got ready for bed. While Hongjoong was still brushing his teeth, Seonghwa built the pillow barrier – a common method the members used to help keep things platonic and heterosexual while having to share beds. (Obviously something that was unavailable to Seonghwa and Hongjoong as they shared the couch in California.)

“Did you tidy up while I was in there?” Hongjoong’s voice was amused as he flicked off the bathroom lights.

Seonghwa looked around the room. He may or may not have re-arranged their bags and discarded clothes before he started working on the pillow barrier. “No, not too much.”

Hongjoong chuckled and shook his head, climbing into the bed on the other side of the pillow barrier.

“You better not hog the blankets.” Seonghwa leaned over to plug his phone into the nightstand.

Hongjoong looked over at him, offended. “Hey! I’m no blanket hogger! Plus, I’m wearing sweats.”

He _was_ wearing sweats and Seonghwa was trying hard not to think about how dwarfed and cute he looked in them…among other things he was trying hard not to think about. “What do you want to do before bed?”

He held up a finger in a pausing motion before leaning over the side of the bed and pulling up his Macbook.

“Nooo, Hongjoong-ahhh,” he closed his eyes and whined. “Please don’t keep me awake all night with the light and the clacking keys.”

“I won’t!” he waved his hand. “I just want to finish up on a couple of things I didn’t get to on the plane.”

Seonghwa grumbled under his breath as Hongjoong opened his Macbook and Seonghwa opened up a game on his phone.

A bit later in the night, Hongjoong was still typing away on his laptop when Seonghwa started having trouble keeping his eyes open. He didn’t think it was worth scolding Hongjoong, so he turned off his lamp, covered his head with his pillow, and prayed that he’d have a dreamless night.

*

“‘Hwa!...‘Hwa!”

Seonghwa groaned. His head was completely blank of any thoughts at first, until he remembered where he was. He had slept like a fucking brick, which was odd because normally he had trouble sleeping in hotel rooms.

“‘Hwa!” Hongjoong whispered.

His voice sounded way too close to Seonghwa’s head. He slowly opened his eyes and turned his head to see Hongjoong’s head right next to him, his eyes staring at him. “Ah!” Seonghwa jumped, catapulting himself across the bed and away from Hongjoong.

Hongjoong sat up and cradled his right arm in his left. “Thank fuck, my arm was going numb.”

Something wasn’t right. He immediately started taking inventory of the evidence. Pillow barrier: gone. Blankets: barely hanging onto the bed. Hongjoong’s arm: basically numb. Body imprints: in the middle of the bed. Seonghwa’s underwear: thankfully clean and dry.

“What happened?” Seonghwa asked.

“I think we both got cold last night,” Hongjoong shook his right arm.

Seonghwa looked back down at the blankets that were practically on the floor, the only thing saving them were where they had been tucked underneath the mattress. Hm. He didn’t know of any other explanation, other than that this was all his fault. His disgusting, perverted subconscious mind must have made him cuddle up to Hongjoong in his sleep. Guilt quickly filled him. “I’m so sorry, I was asleep so I didn’t realize I was doing anything. I’ll sleep on the floor tonight,” he rushed out, still staring at the blankets, unable to look at Hongjoong.

“Woah, hey, it’s not a big deal, the worst thing that happened was that I woke up thinking my right arm had been amputated in my sleep. Okay?”

Seonghwa vaguely took in his words, his own mind still racing away. They still had days left in Japan. Maybe they could switch rooms. Seonghwa could make some excuse that Hongjoong kept him up too late working on his laptop or something so that’s why he needed to switch. Or, maybe the bathtub wouldn’t be too uncomfortable. No different than the floor, really.

“Okay?” Hongjoong repeated himself.

Seonghwa looked up to see Hongjoong waving hello at him with his right hand. Hongjoong then brought his hand up to mouth to pretend he was talking on a radio, static included. “ _crrrrr_ Earth to Seonghwa! _crrrrr_ Mission control says there’s nothing to worry about down here, over.”

At that, Seonghwa couldn’t help but smile. “You’re lame,” he shook his head.

Hongjoong decided to continue the charade. “ _crrrrr_ Earth to Seonghwa! _crrrrr_ We have eyes on a big mess that you are probably very tempted to clean up, over.” He wildly gestured with his eyes over to the blankets and pillows strewn about the room.

…He _was_ dying to clean it up. And probably make his pillow barrier even bigger and stronger for the following night. But still, Hongjoong’s cheesiness was too much and Seonghwa grabbed a pillow off the floor and threw it at him. He wanted to think that he missed on purpose because it went flying over his head.

After they finished laughing and got focused on getting ready for the busy day, Seonghwa realized that Hongjoong had managed to make him feel much more at ease about what had happened the previous night…Which made Seonghwa wonder why Hongjoong wasn’t more uneasy about it.

Thankfully, since Seonghwa was asleep during all of the…cuddles…it was easy for him to forget it had ever even happened. It had pretty much slipped his mind until they tiredly trudged back in their room after the long day and Seonghwa was reminded of the scene of the crime.

Sure, Hongjoong had reassured Seonghwa that it wasn’t a big deal, but that didn’t stop Seonghwa from taking preventive measures. He cranked up the room’s thermostat a couple of degrees and built a pillow _wall_ while Hongjoong talked to one of the managers out in the hall.

Seonghwa heard their door open followed by a “What the hell…?” as he was putting finishing touches on the wall.

“Ta-da!” Seonghwa turned around and presented the pillow wall to Hongjoong like he was a host of a game show and Hongjoong had just won a prize.

“Seonghwa-sshi,” Hongjoong tilted his head at him. “I think you’re being a bit ridiculous, now.”

His pillow wall may or may not have included elements other than pillows. A couple of sweaters and jackets may have also been thrown in to give the wall some extra oomf. And maybe a backpack too. It left them with just enough room to sleep. (If they slept on their backs with their arms tucked to their side. Like a coffin.)

Seonghwa took a step back to look at his handiwork.

Okay, yeah, the backpack was probably a bit overboard.

“Well, I guess it’s back to the drawing board,” Seonghwa said and moved to start building version two.

Hongjoong grabbed his arm and yanked him back. “What’s gotten into you? I remember when you had no issue sharing a couch in America. I’m confused. What’s changed?” The words sounded angry, but his tone was the opposite. Hongjoong looked at him with an almost hurt expression on his face.

Seonghwa moved his arm out of Hongjoong’s grasp. “What? Nothing’s changed. I just know you don’t like touching much.”

“Did you hear me complain this morning?”

“Yeah, your arm - ”

“Not about my _arm_. You know what I mean.”

“Not really,” he mumbled.

Hongjoong paused and looked around the room before continuing. “Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?”

“What? No!” he adamantly shook his head. “I just… I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Okay, how about this?” Hongjoong said. “How about, if I ever feel uncomfortable, I’ll let you know, and if you ever feel uncomfortable, you’ll let me know?”

Seonghwa nodded. “O-okay, yeah.”

“And if it’s okay with you, if you’re _comfortable_ with it, let’s use the pillows how they’re supposed to be used tonight and let’s sleep _comfortably_. No more of this mess,” he gestured over at the pillow wall. “Is that fine?” 

He nodded again. “Yes, that’s fine,” he breathed. 

Hongjoong let out a sigh of relief. “Okay. Well, now that we got our bickering out of the way, we can relax the rest of the night.” He walked over to the bed, leaving Seonghwa behind him dumbfounded.

Naturally, because he was the leader, Seonghwa was used to hearing Hongjoong give orders. But normally when it came to their dorm life, Hongjoong let Seonghwa have most of the say about how things went. About how they decorated their room, or when they were supposed to clean, or what they ate for meals. 

But Hongjoong seemed to want to make this decision for the two of them, and Seonghwa was taken aback by his assertion. (And a bit impressed, to be honest.)

Of course, Seonghwa didn’t mind. He was never really good about making decisions about anything. And maybe he was being ridiculous about sharing a bed with Hongjoong. Obviously, it had went fine in America, so there shouldn’t be any difference now. If his subconscious gross mind could handle it back then, it could handle it now.

“How did you even?” Hongjoong picked up one of their numerous sweaters from the pillow wall. “Isn’t this what I wore yesterday?”

“Oh that, um,” he chuckled nervously. “Well, I didn’t want to wrinkle good clothes.”

Hongjoong laughed at that and tossed the sweater off to the side. “Oh, at least you’re never boring.”

After they dissembled the pillow wall, Seonghwa neatly folded back all of the clothes while Hongjoong made the bed.

“You see,” Hongjoong pointed to the bed after he had finished. “That is a normal bed.”

He tutted under his breath. “Yes, I get it, Hongjoong-ah, are you done scolding me yet?”

Hongjoong tapped the bottom of his chin, feigning that he was deep in thought. “Hmmm.”

“Just get ready for bed,” he shook his head and smiled.

He grabbed his backpack and headed over to their bathroom. “Maybe I’ll stay up the whole night on my computer and keep you awake.”

“Jokes on you, Wooyoung gave me his extra sleep mask.”

“Ah, Wooyoung always ruins everything.”

Seonghwa got ready for bed after Hongjoong and he came out of the bathroom with the sleep mask already on his forehead.

Hongjoong was watching some TV when he looked over at Seonghwa. “Oh, you don’t have to wear that. I’m too tired to do any work tonight.”

He got into bed beside Hongjoong. “Mhm. Well, it’ll be useful anyways, I’m sure.”

“But um…doesn’t it cause eye styes or acne or something?”

Seonghwa frowned and took off the mask. “I don’t think so.” He stared at it in his hand. He didn’t think that was true. He had worn them before with no issue. Still, he was too vain to take the chance, so he threw it onto the nightstand. “Whatever. As long as you promise you won’t keep me up.”

“You seemed to sleep fine last night!”

“I was more tired then. Jetlag, you know.”

“Oh, yeah, sure. Japan is a long flight after all,” Hongjoong quipped and held out the TV remote to Seonghwa. “Here, turn it to something.”

Seonghwa never understood how Hongjoong could stay up so long on some nights, but then on other nights could fall asleep in the matter of minutes. It wasn’t long after he had turned to the TV to some anime that he looked over to find Hongjoong asleep, with his phone still in his hand. He turned off the TV, carefully pried his phone out of his hand, and hooked it up to his charger.

When Seonghwa went to turn off Hongjoong’s lamp, he hesitated when he took another look at him sleeping. Hongjoong’s face was washed in the yellowish-warm lamplight, slacken with sleep. He looked as pretty and soft as always. It reminded Seonghwa of the Hongjoong in his dream, and the flash of the image of his mind, of Hongjoong looking down at him with such peace and devotion on his face…he flicked the lamp off and walked away.

He lay awake in the darkness for longer than he normally did. His phone kept him occupied for a bit, but his mind kept wandering to his roommate sleeping soundly next to him. He was on his side of the bed and Hongjoong was on the other side. It would be fine. If they woke up again like they did that morning it wouldn’t even be a big deal because Hongjoong didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. And that’s all that Seonghwa cared about. He wanted Hongjoong to be okay, to be comfortable with him.

Seonghwa made sure to turn his back towards Hongjoong when he closed his eyes to focus on falling asleep.

*

He was awoken at three in the morning, by his best guesstimate, by loud rain and thunder. One particularly bright flash of lightning illuminated the room through the curtains for a second before cracking thunder followed.

He had turned over to look at the window when he could feel something had shifted while they were asleep. The room was pitch-dark, but he could feel the extra weight on the mattress underneath him and hear Hongjoong’s breathing. He had drifted closer to Seonghwa and based on his breathing, how it was quickened but steady, he was also awake.

The loud rain continued to beat down and Seonghwa slid a hand across the mattress towards Hongjoong, merely just to check on him…no other reason.

His hand hit Hongjoong’s stomach and Hongjoong’s breathing hitched.

Seonghwa almost snatched his hand back. But, Hongjoong didn’t make a peep. He flattened his hand on Hongjoong’s stomach and then slowly traced it up and up and up until he stopped on his neck. Seonghwa’s thumb rested on his Adam’s apple and he could feel him breathing, swallowing, everything.

He didn’t know what the fuck he thought he was doing, in bed with his hand all over Hongjoong like it was. But, it almost didn’t feel real. It almost felt like he hadn’t woken up at all. His neck was so warm on his hand…and it didn’t feel like there could be any consequences from any of it. Because it was dream. Or, it felt like one. That odd stage between sleeping and awake.

Another burst of thunder and lightning came and this time, when the room lit up for a split second, Seonghwa could see how Hongjoong’s eyes were trained on him before they were lost again.

It was like the lightning added more fuel to the fire because Hongjoong’s hand slid across the mattress and poked Seonghwa’s hip. “Is it okay, if I…?” Hongjoong whispered ever-so quietly.

Somehow, Seonghwa knew what he was asking permission to do. “Yes,” he breathed. But instead of Hongjoong doing anything, Seonghwa closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around him, bringing Hongjoong’s head into his chest.

Hongjoong exhaled and buried his head further into Seonghwa. Their legs seemed to naturally intertwine, Hongjoong’s leg coming in between Seonghwa’s.

“Are…are you comfortable?” Seonghwa asked. He rested his cheek on Hongjoong’s head.

Hongjoong’s hands gripped at Seonghwa’s back. “Shhh,” he hushed him. “Yes.”

Seonghwa didn’t have time to think about much, other than that he hoped he remembered the dream in the morning, before the quietening rain lulled him back to sleep.

He ended up remembering the dream in the morning, and also the fact that it definitely wasn’t a dream, based on how he woke up the same way he remembered falling asleep. His arms were still wrapped around Hongjoong, except Hongjoong’s head had awkwardly fallen backwards in his sleep, showing off his long, smooth neck.

“Oh,” Seonghwa breathed out softly. He didn’t want to jostle Hongjoong or touch him too much while he was sleeping and unaware, so he just lightly pushed the back of Hongjoong’s head to bring his head to a more comfortable rest on Seonghwa’s arm.

He didn’t know what time it was, but he knew the managers would probably want them up soon based on the amount of sunlight coming from the curtains, a happy sight in contrast to the storm earlier that morning. But instead of waking Hongjoong up, Seonghwa selfishly took the time to look at him without any disturbances. Normally, whenever Hongjoong looked pretty, Hongjoong was awake and other people were around, making it hard to just stare at someone without looking like a total creep.

Seonghwa just wished the lights were on in the room, or the curtains were pulled further back, because he was close enough to Hongjoong’s face to count every single one of his long eyelashes, providing that the lighting was adequate.

Looking at Hongjoong made Seonghwa’s chest tighten. The way his hair fell on his forehead, how his mouth was slightly open, that his eyebrows were relaxed. He was always so worried about keeping everyone organized and focused throughout the day, taking the burden of their successes and failures. But every night, Hongjoong got the peace he deserved in his sleep. Only another reason why Seonghwa didn’t want to wake him up.

But eventually, when he started hearing voices out in the hall, he knew he had to. He really didn’t want a manager or one of the boys to come in and find them in the position that they were in.

His hand had remained on the back of Hongjoong’s head, enjoying the soft feel of his hair on his fingers, so he shifted his hand to brush at Hongjoong’s bangs. “Hongjoong-ah,” he whispered. “It’s time to wake up now.”

Hongjoong only shifted his head a bit but didn’t wake, so Seonghwa shook him just lightly enough to get his eyes to flutter open. “Hmmm?” Hongjoong made the sound through a closed mouth and shifted a bit more. His sleepy eyes soon found Seonghwa’s.

“Did you sleep okay?” Seonghwa asked.

He yawned widely and brought a hand up to rub at his eyes. “Yeah, how about you?”

When Hongjoong started to pull away, untangling their legs, Seonghwa couldn’t help but pout inwardly a bit at the loss of warmth. “Yeah, me too.”

“Good,” Hongjoong said and crawled off the bed.

The proceeded the rest of the day like nothing had happened that night, that it was a normal thing that had happened, like it was something that all friends did with one another. Of course, Seonghwa didn’t do that with any of the other members, but maybe it was because he wasn’t as close with them as he was with Hongjoong. For all he knew, the other members were doing that sort of stuff with each other behind closed doors.

The other members also probably slept like Hongjoong and Seonghwa for the rest of their nights in Japan - usually starting off on opposite sides of the bed but slowly drifting over to each other as the night grew later and later and the morning grew nearer and nearer.

If it was completely normal, then it was probably normal that Seonghwa started wishing that they didn’t have separate beds in their dorm room, because he always woke up a bit more peacefully next to Hongjoong.

*

Their managers rewarded them with beach time after they finished all their filming in Saipan for the “Wave” comeback. (Hongjoong and Seonghwa shared a room again, though this time with two beds, to Seonghwa’s odd disappointment.)

Growing up in Jinju, Seonghwa went to the beach pretty frequently every year, so he was accustomed to the sand and saltwater. Laughably, Jongho was not accustomed to it, and inevitably didn’t like it very much.

The sun was beginning to set as Wooyoung, San, Yunho, and Mingi raced through the water and rough-housed. Yeosang and Seonghwa stood in the water off to the side while Jongho walked back up the beach complaining about all the sand between his toes.

“You would think the strongest guy here would not complain the most,” Yeosang chuckled as they stared at Jongho as he tripped over his feet trying to kick the wet sand off.

Seonghwa skimmed his hands across the top of the warm ocean. “Yeah, it’s because he’s used to all of those fancy pools he grew up in.”

“Well, he is being even more of a stick-in-the-mud than Hongjoong-hyung, which is almost hard to believe.”

At the mention of him, Seonghwa looked up the beach to where Hongjoong was camped out across towels, still fully dressed as he napped with his hat covering his face. Soon though, Jongho was joining him, sitting next to Hongjoong on the towels as he frowned at his feet.

“Awh, look,” Yeosang pointed at them. “They can be no fun together.”

Seonghwa quirked a smile and opened his mouth to reply, but Wooyoung loudly approached the pair, interrupting him. “Hey, Yunho said he’ll play Chicken! Yeosang, you’re small enough, you can be on my team.” 

“Wooyoung, you can barely lift a gallon of milk,” Yeosang laughed.

“I think you’re thinking of San,” Wooyoung said. “Which is why he’s going to be on Yunho’s team.”

Seongwha shook his head at the two. “I don’t think this is going to end well.”

“Hey, Mingi needs a partner, and you have been doing some pretty decent pushups lately, Hyung.” Wooyoung reached out his hand and squeezed Seonghwa’s bicep.

“Whoahhh no, I’ll let you all injure each other, I’m gonna go sit with Hongjoong and Jongho,” he laughed and started to walk away from Wooyoung and Yeosang.

“Loser!” Wooyoung shouted at his back.

Seonghwa turned his head to shoot Wooyoung a glare before he made his way up the rest of the beach.

“Hyung, what are they doing down there?” Jongho called to Seonghwa as he approached the towel campsite.

Seonghwa looked back at the ocean to see San trying to scramble his way up Yunho’s back and Wooyoung giving Yeosang a piggyback ride, all while Mingi laughed at them. “Oh, they’re trying to play Chicken,” he explained. “I give it five minutes before someone throws out their back.”

Jongho quickly scrambled up from the ground. “Ooo! I wanna play!” And he rushed down the beach toward the water, supposedly not caring much about sandy feet anymore.

Which was fine with Seonghwa because that meant he got Hongjoong alone, even if he was napping.

As Seonghwa sat down where Jongho had just been, Hongjoong stirred. His head turned towards Seonghwa and he adjusted his hat so he could peak through it. “Are they behaving down there?” Hongjoong’s voice sounded thick with sleepiness.

Seonghwa gave a quick laugh. “You know they aren’t.” He grabbed one of the towels in a stack off to the side and wrapped it around his bare shoulders. “You don’t like the beach?” he asked, bringing his knees up to his chest.

Hongjoong took his hat off of his face and set it down next to him. “Eh, I’m just taking the time to rest,” he sighed. To further punctuate his words, his eyes fluttered close.

“You know, you’re only in Saipan once,” he said.

Hongjoong’s eyes remained closed. “Who knows, maybe we’ll come back here again.”

Seonghwa smirked. “Oh really? We’re gonna have another summer concept comeback?”

“Sure, but not until we’re forty.”

“Forty? I don’t think I still wanna be doing this when I’m forty,” he chuckled.

At that, Hongjoong opened his eyes and looked up at Seonghwa. “Why not? Isn’t this all fun?”

“Of course, but things don’t last forever.”

He frowned and rolled over onto his back. “Yeah, you’re right. We’d probably be old and crusty by then anyways.”

“No, not you. You have a softer face, you’ll age well.” Seonghwa copied Hongjoong and laid down on his back, causing the towel on his shoulders to slip down and get caught between his back and the other towel beneath him.

With the other view he had, he could look at the calming ocean (plus some rowdy boys) and Hongjoong’s equally calming face. But lain down, he could look up at the massive sky that was growing increasingly darker and more orange.

“Yeah, and you’re practically a model with your jawline and cheekbones. You’ll probably still be doing magazine covers at forty.”

Seonghwa snorted at the thought that he would end up being a cover model. He was never insecure about his appearance, and knew that some people considered him attractive, but he wasn’t exactly the Korean beauty standard that magazine covers always wanted. “Sure, I’ll be a model. And what’ll you be doing at that age?”

“Oh, probably producing someone else’s music, if I’m lucky.”

“Not your own?”

“Maybe. I don’t know how successful I’d be without all of you though,” Hongjoong mused. 

Seonghwa managed to peel his eyes away from the sunset to look over at Hongjoong, to find that Hongjoong was already looking back at him. Caught, Hongjoong’s eyes quickly shifted to the ground between them. “Are we still friends in the future?” Seonghwa asked.

“Of course.” The darkening sky was casting shadows across Hongjoong’s face and his red hair appeared a darker shade than it actually was. The orange and red hues meshed together to cast Hongjoong in a vat of warmth. Seonghwa thought he might prefer looking at Hongjoong over the sunset itself.

“This suits you,” Seonghwa couldn’t help himself from saying, reaching out to briefly play with one of Hongjoong’s strands of hair.

“Thank you,” Hongjoong murmured, looking up at Seonghwa again. He opened his mouth again to say something else, hesitated and closed it, paused, and then finally spoke. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think it prefer your hair this comeback over the last.”

Instinctively, Seonghwa’s hand rose to his own hair. “Really? I thought you liked the blonde.”

“I did,” he assured quickly. “I just…I love how natural your hair looks like this. You know, more down-to-earth, I guess. It feels more you. But obviously, you’re Seonghwa, so you can pull anything off.”

Warmth swelled in Seonghwa’s chest at the compliment. “Oh, well thank you.”

“Sorry. That explanation probably didn’t make much sense,” Hongjoong laughed at himself.

Seonghwa nodded. “No, it did. It made sense.”

He continued to smile. “Okay, good.”

“I think I like yours for the opposite reason, to be honest. You’re so talented and your personality is so different, that it makes sense that your hair match.”

“Oh, you don’t miss the mullet?” Hongjoong teased him.

He did. He wasn’t given any warning that Hongjoong was going to get his hair cut, either. Hongjoong just showed up in the dorm room one day with it gone and Seonghwa was a little bit angry because he felt like he hadn’t been given the opportunity to say goodbye to it – to touch it one last time and remember how pretty it looked. But then he saw how gorgeous Hongjoong looked with his pink hair, and eventually red, that he forgot all about missing his mullet. “Not so much anymore,” he answered him honestly.

Hongjoong’s smile managed to quirk up an extra bit before he turned his attention upwards at the sky.

“You should come swim before it gets too dark,” Seonghwa said.

“Nah, I don’t want to get my clothes wet.”

“You can change into my shirt afterwards; I have my sweater in my bag too.”

Hongjoong made a face of contemplation but didn’t reply.

So Seonghwa rolled over onto his stomach and situated himself so he looked down at Hongjoong’s face. “Pleaseee,” he whined, making an exaggerated pouty face.

He pretended to gag in disgust. “Ew, no thank you.”

“Come play with me! Come have fun with meee,” Seonghwa acted cutesy. He brought a fist up to his cheek and pouted into it. “Pleaseee.”

At that, Hongjoong let out a loud burst of laughter. “You know that doesn’t work on me.”

“I’ll cry!” he threatened.

“At me not going swimming with you?” he raised his eyebrows. “Fine, I’d like to see it.”

Seonghwa looked up in the sky to find the sun. Once he found it, he stared long and hard at it until he could feel his eyes start to water, after which he blinked a few times and looked back at Hongjoong. “Please come swimming with me,” he frowned while really trying to squeeze out a tear or two.

Hongjoong only shook his head at him when no tears came. “You’re sad.” But then he grinned: “But cute.”

Before Seonghwa could even react, Hongjoong was slipping out from under him, shouting “Race ya!,” and leaving his sandals in his wake as he ran towards the water.

“Hongjoong-ah!” Seonghwa half-shouted, half-laughed as he scrambled up to chase after him.

Their game of Chicken must have tired them out, because the other boys were just chilling and floating about the ocean whenever Hongjoong and Seonghwa came rushing in.

“Oh, now they decide they want to play!” Wooyoung yelled over to them.

Seonghwa caught up with Hongjoong once they were waist deep in water, but Hongjoong met Seonghwa with a big splash of water to the face.

“You guys are lame!” San shouted with his hands cupped around his mouth.

Seonghwa screeched at the face-full of water and tried his best to run in the ocean after Hongjoong. Hongjoong just laughed and kept flicking water back at Seonghwa as he trekked his way through. There must have been a divot in the sand, because Hongjoong stumbled lightly, allowing Seonghwa to catch up to him and jump onto his back, making them both fall underwater.

They came up sputtering and giggling at the same time. Seonghwa was able to blink through the water while he swept back his wet bangs, but Hongjoong rubbed at his eyes, so Seonghwa slicked back Hongjoong’s hair for him.

“See, this is fun,” Seonghwa said, a bit out of breath from all the running.

Seonghwa didn’t know if it was from the water, the sunset, or it was just from Hongjoong himself, but Hongjoong’s eyes glistened when he looked at him. “Yeah, this is fun.” To further drive it home, Hongjoong gave Seonghwa little splash to his chest.

“Now that we’re all here, can we play a huge group game of Chicken?” Wooyoung called out.

“No, you broke my spine!” Mingi shouted back.

“Yeosang broke mine first!” Wooyoung retorted.

Hongjoong and Seonghwa shook their heads and grinned at each other before they went back to sloshing through the water, seeing how much water they could splash onto each other.

Once the sun was pretty much gone from the sky, the group climbed back up the beach to gather their things. (Jongho complained once again about the amount of sand on his feet.)

Seonghwa tossed Hongjoong his own shirt, and he was almost positive he saw Hongjoong flush red before he turned away from the group so he could switch out of his wet one to Seonghwa’s dry one.

“Awh, look how cute he is,” Yunho pointed at Hongjoong.

Seonghwa looked over at Hongjoong after he had gotten his own sweater on. Seonghwa’s striped t-shirt hung low on Hongjoong’s collar bones and looked a bit over-sized.

“Shut up,” Hongjoong grimaced and snatched his bag off the ground.

They had shared things before, like belts, hats, and other accessories. But never clothes. Seonghwa didn’t think they had the same style. But Seonghwa was so fascinated with how pretty Hongjoong looked in his shirt that it made him second-guess his previous opinion. 

“It looks better on Seonghwa-hyung,” Yeosang quipped.

Jongho laughed. “I do not know though…Hongjoong-hyung looks very…shapely in it.”

“I’m going to murder each and every one of you,” Hongjoong warned before giving Seonghwa an awkward smile.

“You know,” Seonghwa drawled while still looking at Hongjoong. “While me and Hongjoong were sitting up here he told me he was having so much fun today that he was thinking about buying all of us ice cream.”

“Ice cream?!” Mingi said loudly.

Hongjoong gave Seonghwa a confused look.

“But, you’ve all been so mean to him that he’s not going to anymore,” Seonghwa finished.

Mingi gasped. “What?! No ice cream?!” he yelled.

Hongjoong smirked at Seonghwa and stuck his tongue between his teeth.

“Hey, but Hongjoong-hyung didn’t say that himself! Hongjoong-hyung, you will buy us all ice cream, right?!” Wooyoung grabbed onto Hongjoong’s arm.

Hongjoong winked at Seonghwa before playing along. “Nope, you heard Seonghwa. You’ve all been bullying me, so you’ve ruined your chance of ice cream.”

“Hey, I have not said one bad thing about you, Hyung,” Yeosang said.

Seonghwa gaped at him. “What about what you were saying about Hongjoong earlier? Something about him being a stick-in-the-mud?” 

“Oh really? A stick-in-the-mud?” Hongjoong raised his eyebrows at Yeosang. “I see how it is.”

“Woah, Seonghwa-hyung, I think your ears might have been a bit waterlogged there,” Yeosang came over to Seonghwa and patted him on the back. “I said that Hongjoong was a whole-lot-of-fun! You must have misheard me.”

“Oh, and you said Jongho was a whole-lot-of-fun too?” Seonghwa asked innocently.

Getting the implication, Jongho exclaimed: “Hey!”

“No, you misheard me again. No, Jongho is definitely a stick-in-the-mud,” Yeosang nodded.

“Hey!” Jongho repeated.

“Hyung, since we just bully everyone, can we still get ice cream?” San asked Hongjoong.

Hongjoong laughed, but Seonghwa answered for him. “Absolutely not.”

The boys all erupted in collective whines and groans all while Hongjoong and Seonghwa basked in what they created.

*

It was the first time they had won anything. It was a cute little silver man trophy and it was _theirs_. They spent the car ride back from the studio taking turns holding the trophy and laughing away tears. Normally Seonghwa didn’t pay too much attention to where they sat in the car, but when they were loading up, he made sure that he, Hongjoong, and the trophy all made it into the same van. It was an added bonus that Hongjoong sat right in front of him in the passenger seat so Seonghwa could keep a hand on his shoulder the whole ride.

After all of the after-show interviews and the V Live they had to do since they had won, they ended up eating a super late dinner with all of the staff at the company as they discussed a good spot to put the trophy, and hopefully the inevitable other ones.

By the time they got back to the dorm, some of them were still too excited to wind down (San, Wooyoung, and himself) while others just wanted to slide into bed. All of their overwhelming emotions had tapered off by that point, so Seonghwa didn’t think much of Hongjoong wanting to go to bed as soon as they got back. Seonghwa knew that he himself was tired, he could feel it, but his body wouldn’t allow it - it still had some extra steam it wanted to burn off. So he, San, and Wooyoung sat in the living room and talked for another hour before Wooyoung decided to call it a night and the party kinda died from there.

Seonghwa was expecting to walk into their room to find Hongjoong fast asleep, probably still in all of his clothes and makeup. Only, once he slowly cracked over the door and took his first few tip-toed steps, he realized that Hongjoong was not asleep.

He was crying.

Uncontrollably enough that he obviously couldn’t successfully smother the sound upon hearing Seonghwa enter, because Seonghwa could hear a clear sob and a choked hiccup echo through the otherwise quiet room.

“Hongjoong-ah?” Seonghwa whispered.

A sniffle was the only response.

He wished he could see the room more clearly than what his yellow stars dimly offered. And he didn’t really want to turn on the light and disturb Hongjoong even more. He was frozen in the middle of the room, unsure of what he should do. Continue on like he hadn’t heard anything, maybe both of them pretending that Hongjoong was just asleep? Try calling Hongjoong’s name again?

Another choked hiccup made the split-second decision for him and he rushed over to Hongjoong’s bunk. “Hongjoong-ahhh,” Seonghwa murmured. He sat down on the edge of the bunk and placed a gentle hand on Hongjoong’s dark form. “Joong-ah, what’s wrong?”

Seonghwa felt Hongjoong’s fingers lightly touching his thigh before they reached up to grab onto his wrist and started tugging him down. Seonghwa didn’t resist and let Hongjoong drag him down so that he was lain next to him on the bed. Next thing Seonghwa knew, Hongjoong was wrapping his body around Seonghwa’s so that it mimicked how they slept their last night in Japan. Seonghwa didn’t miss a beat and pulled Hongjoong into him tightly. Only once Hongjoong’s head was situated in Seonghwa’s neck, did Hongjoong let out another sob.

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Seonghwa rubbed Hongjoong’s back. Feeling Hongjoong’s clothes, he knew that Hongjoong had never changed into his pajamas.

Hongjoong breathed thickly and wetly onto Seonghwa’s neck and Seonghwa could hear all of the heavy mucus in Hongjoong’s nose and throat. For some reason, Seonghwa found tears pricking in his own eyes at hearing Hongjoong so upset and knowing that Hongjoong must be _really_ upset if he was willingly cuddling Seonghwa like that. Seonghwa tried to think about what he could possibly be crying so hard about. They won Mnet Countdown. Sure, it was an emotional thing. All of the members cried, even Jongho. But it was still a happy thing. The tears all eventually turned to smiles and laughter and cheers.

In retrospect, Seonghwa should have known something was up when Hongjoong was so quick to go to bed after they got back from the company. He was normally one of the more “pumped-up” ones after something exciting happened, like a good response from Atinys about something or the announcement of a new comeback. He was normally the one not wanting to sleep the rest of the night out of excitement. (Let’s face it, Hongjoong was always able to sleep, it was just sometimes he chose not to.)

If only he had gone to check on him earlier or paid more attention and gone to bed with Hongjoong and the others.

“‘m sorry,” Hongjoong suddenly mumbled against Seonghwa. His voice was so low and so garbled that Seonghwa barely heard him.

“Don’t be sorry,” Seonghwa said firmly. “You’re allowed to cry if you feel like it.”

“I just don’t like the others seeing me cry,” his voice came out clearer, but hoarse.

Seonghwa brushed a few of his fingers through Hongjoong’s hair. “I know.”

Hongjoong let out a short laugh and his breath was hot. “But for some reason you’re always seeing me cry, and I don’t think I like that much either.”

“ _I_ don’t like it much either,” he said honestly. “I don’t like seeing you upset. But it’s okay. I’m here for you.”

Hongjoong lightly brushed his nose on Seonghwa’s neck and exhaled a soft: “Thank you.”

Seonghwa used his other hand that was still on Hongjoong’s back to lightly pat it. “You know,” he quirked a smile, “you’re too pretty to cry.”

“Ugh, stop it,” he snorted.

“No really!” Seonghwa said. And then it was like once Seonghwa started complimenting him, he couldn’t stop. “And you’re so talented…amazing really. It’s like there’s nothing you can’t do. You work so hard, harder than the rest of us, and it shows. _You_ deserved that win.”

“ _We_ deserved it, you mean,” Hongjoong corrected him.

“No. _You_ deserved it.”

The shaky sigh that came from Hongjoong told Seonghwa that he understood what Seonghwa was trying to say. Of course the group deserved it. They were a team, they wouldn’t have won if it wasn’t for all eight of them. But Seonghwa knew Hongjoong. He knew that Hongjoong was constantly trying to get better and better because he was never good enough and he could always be _better_. And that night, for that win, his best was good enough. And he deserved it.

Hongjoong’s hand fumbled around until it found Seonghwa’s right wrist that had drifted from Hongjoong’s hair down to his side. Because of their performance, Seonghwa didn’t have the cuff on, as it was in his drawer along with the rest of his personal jewelry. “My dad texted me. After he saw the win on TV. My mom gave him my number, she called me later to apologize,” Hongjoong said, followed by a few sniffles.

Seonghwa grew quiet at the mention of Hongjoong’s father. He supposed it explained how much Hongjoong had been crying.

Hongjoong’s hand tightened its grip around Seonghwa’s wrist. “He was perfectly polite. He said something like ‘I’m so proud of you, you’ve done good.’” Seonghwa heard Hongjoong dryily laugh. “So funny, seeing as how I’ve never heard him say anything like that before. No, instead, before it was –” He stopped himself from continuing for some reason. 

Seonghwa waited patiently and rubbed Hongjoong’s back.

“You know how my brother’s a dancer right?” Hongjoong switched his focus. “For some reason, I don’t know if it’s because he’s taller or more muscular or more popular…but my dad never talked to him the same way. And I _love_ my brother. And my dad made me want to _hate_ him.” His voice cracked on the word “hate” and he had to clear his throat.

Like on Christmas Eve, once again Hongjoong was continuing to speak in riddles, but as he talked, Seonghwa thought that he was beginning to connect the dots, though he didn’t want to say that he was. Nor did he want to fully connect the dots in his mind either.

“But it’s okay now, because he’s proud of me,” Hongjoong spat sarcastically.

Seonghwa’s chest twisted. “Joongie,” he gently said. He didn’t really know what else to say to him to comfort him. His own father was pretty cold-hearted and distant too, but Hongjoong’s father seemed much, much worse by the way Hongjoong talked about him. He couldn’t say he understood Hongjoong because he didn’t. His own experiences probably paled in comparison to Hongjoong’s. So instead, he just pulled Hongjoong in even closer.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Seonghwa-yah,” Hongjoong suddenly mused, his voice sounding far away.

Hongjoong’s thigh creeped higher between Seonghwa’s legs and Seonghwa hoped that it was what Hongjoong said that made his heart skip a beat, and not Hongjoong’s thigh. Nevertheless, he tilted his hips slightly enough so Hongjoong’s thigh rested a bit lower. Besides, Seonghwa really didn’t think Hongjoong’s thigh would have given him such a reaction. It was just Hongjoong after all. “Don’t be silly, you’d be fine without me,” he replied.

“No I wouldn’t. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Hongjoong murmured before yawning.

Seonghwa froze. The best thing that’s ever happened to him? How shitty had Hongjoong’s life been if _Seonghwa_ was the best part about it so far? He definitely wasn’t anything special. Sure, he was nice to Hongjoong, but he would do the same for any of the other members. Right? Well, maybe not to the same extent; he didn’t worry over the others as much. But that was because they didn’t have as many worries as Hongjoong. Hongjoong would probably work himself to death if there was no one there to stop him.

Was Hongjoong the best thing that had ever happened to him? Seonghwa knew that Ateez definitely was. And Hongjoong was a part of Ateez, so maybe? He definitely enjoyed having Hongjoong as his roommate and wouldn’t trade him for anyone else. He also had some very fond memories of Hongjoong and he was sure that there would be more fond memories made in the future. And whenever they were apart, Seonghwa always missed him so much, much more than he missed any of the other members when they were apart. He would hate being in Ateez without any of the other members, but could Seonghwa accept an Ateez without Hongjoong? Would there even be an Ateez without Hongjoong?

He suddenly realized that neither of them had spoken in a few moments. And Hongjoong’s hand on Seonghwa’s wrist had grown limp. “Hongjoong-ah?” Seonghwa whispered.

He’d probably fallen asleep. Before Seonghwa could make him take off his clothes and makeup. “ _Pst_ , Joong-ah, you need to get ready for bed before you fall asleep.” He tried to rock Hongjoong awake.

Hongjoong’s hand tightened again. “Mmm, I’ll get up in a sec,” he half moaned, half grumbled. 

“No you won’t!” Seonghwa whispered back.

“Mmm,” was Hongjoong’s only reply.

Seonghwa didn’t have it in him to force him up out of bed, plus his own eyes were growing heavy from how comfortable it was in Hongjoong’s bunk.

They ended up sleeping like that, with all of their clothes and makeup on.

A call from one of their managers on Hongjoong’s phone was what woke them both up in the morning. They had an early schedule, so they scrambled up out of bed fairly quickly, not giving the previous night much thought, especially the part where Seonghwa never made it up to his own bunk. 

Seonghwa helped Hongjoong with the swollen bags under his eyes after they finished scraping off all the smeared makeup from the day before. “And somehow despite all this, you still look pretty,” Seonghwa hummed as he held up a cold cloth to Hongjoong’s face while Hongjoong texted on his phone. And he did look pretty. He looked gorgeous. Bare face and bedhead and all.

And when Hongjoong glanced up from his phone to smile shyly at Seonghwa, he looked beautiful.

*

Seonghwa knew something was probably wrong when it hurt trying to climb off the top bunk in the morning. He knew something was definitely wrong when he limped his way to the bathroom and stumbled when he attempted to correct said limp. Hongjoong was already up and probably eating breakfast - they had a long day of practice ahead of them for their upcoming Australian tour. Their promotions were reaching the end and they’d gotten a second music show win, so life was good.

Too bad life had a sense of humor.

He took an extra hot shower hoping it would help relax whatever muscle in his hip was causing him trouble. Only, he found himself leaning heavily on his left side while standing in the shower. After he got out, he attempted to do some stretches, only to cry out in pain and struggle to get back up off the ground. He popped some painkillers and hoped if he walked around on it enough and discreetly rubbed it enough that it would quickly work itself out.

He ended up limping throughout the rest of the dorm as he made himself some breakfast to settle the painkillers before they all headed to the company for practice. Luckily, everyone was either too tired or too rushed to notice him limping and hopping around.

Except, it was harder to hide once they were in a room full of mirrors.

“Hyung, why are you limping around!” Wooyoung’s loud ass pointed at his leg shortly after they had entered the practice room.

Seonghwa knew it was only a matter of time before someone noticed his awkward gait and gritted teeth (the painkillers were a bust) but he still felt anger and irritation at Wooyoung for exposing him so quickly to everyone.

Hongjoong had been digging around in his backpack but he quickly dropped everything after Wooyoung’s very public observation. “What do you mean he’s limping?” Hongjoong went to Seonghwa’s side to look at him up and down.

Seonghwa narrowed his eyes at Wooyoung and attempted to balance himself equally between his left and right side. He managed it, but to his own burning pain. “I’m not limping, I’m fine,” he said.

Hongjoong crossed his arms and Seonghwa noticed that everyone else had stopped what they were doing to look over at them. “Oh really?” Hongjoong raised his eyebrows. “Well, prove it.”

“Uh, I’m not warmed up yet. Wouldn’t want to tear anything.”

“Okay, well stretch then. We’ll stretch with you. Lead us through some. We’re waiting for Instructor Soo anyways.”

Seonghwa pursed his lips together. He was fucked. “Fine.” Seonghwa turned towards the mirrors in front of them and started to stretch his arms.

Hongjoong copied his movements. “Everyone, follow what Seonghwa’s doing.”

With widened eyes, the others listened to Hongjoong and began copying Seonghwa’s stretches, which involved a lot of arm and neck stretches. While he was standing there, he didn’t know if the painkillers had started to work or his body had just numbed the pain on its own accord, but his hip actually didn’t feel too bad.

“Seonghwa-sshi, don’t forget we need to warm up our legs too,” Hoonjoong said.

Seonghwa gritted his teeth and turned his head to look back at Hongjoong. “Of course, how could I forget?”

Normally, San, Wooyoung, or even Jongho would have inserted a joke. But, the mood in the room was so tense that no one made a sound.

His body let him do a few, gentle leg stretches before he ended up putting too much weight on his right hip and grunted out a pained “oh, nope” and tumbled backwards onto the ground on his back.

The first person at his side was Hongjoong, followed closely by San, and then soon all the others as well.

“Hyung, Hyung!” San exclaimed.

“Hyung, are you okay?” came from Yunho.

Hongjoong sat on his knees next to Seonghwa. “What were you thinking? Why didn’t you tell us you were hurt?” His words came out rushed and angry sounding. Hearing him almost hurt as bad as the shooting pain going up his leg, hip, and side.

“I knew you were limping!” Wooyoung said.

Mingi pushed his way forward to be beside Seonghwa. “Ohmygod, Hyung is this from yesterday?”

“What happened yesterday?” Hongjoong snapped.

“Well, me and Seonghwa-hyung were stretching together because he wants to get more flexible, but anyways, he said he was sore afterwards but…” his voice trailed off.

He had told Mingi he felt a little sore. But rather, while they were helping each other extend their leg split reach, Seonghwa felt something pull in his hip, followed by sharp pain. Only, at the time the pain had eventually dulled to a good point that he had managed to forget about it. The pain wasn’t going away this time though.

“Hongjoong-hyung, do you want me to get Instructor Soo?” Yeosang asked.

Hongjoong dug around in his pocket and sighed. “Yes, please go get him. I’m going to call Manager Lee too.” He tapped a few times on his phone and put it up to his ear while Yeosang and Mingi ran off to find their instructor.

“Hongjoong-ah, I’m fine, I swear. It’s just a cramp.” Seonghwa attempted to sit up with a few grunts.

“Shut up,” Hongjoong pushed him back down to the floor with his other hand. “Hello, manager-nim, yes,” he then said into his phone before scrambling up to go talk quietly off to the side.

Seonghwa felt a cool hand on his forehead, gently slicking back his hair and he looked up to see San above him. “Sh, Hyung, it will be okay. It is probably just a muscle sprain. They will probably just make you lay in bed for a few days and you will be all better.”

San was always good at comforting the other members when they needed it, and he immediately felt soothed and calmed by his words. He had just expected to also hear those sort of words from Hongjoong, but instead it seemed he got an angry scolding instead.

But San was right about a one thing, Seonghwa later learned. It was in fact a muscle sprain. But San was wrong about something: he wasn’t going to be in bed for just a few days. They wanted him to sit out for at least three weeks.

Manager Lee and the doctor went back and forth on that subject for a minute before Manager Lee finally relented to the doctor’s advice of “if he doesn’t rest it now, it’ll only get more painful and linger longer.”

He couldn’t believe it was happening to him. That he had such bad luck, such fucking inflexible legs, that doing some Pilates stretches had put him out of performing for weeks. Manager Lee brought him back to the dorm and ordered him to lay on the couch and not move. That was where Seonghwa spent the rest of the day napping off and on from the heavy painkillers the doctor had given him.

He also spent that time crying off and on too. They had schedules coming up. Their Australia tour. KCon. And because of them, the other members were going to have to re-block the dances, learn his parts, and do all of this extra work to pick up his slack. He was the hyung. He was the one who was supposed to be doing the extra work. Not casting it onto his younger brothers. No wonder Hongjoong had been so angry with him. He knew what Seonghwa being injured entailed.

Throughout the day he got text messages from everyone, except Hongjoong. And he figured San would be the perfect person to ask as Seonghwa tried to gauge how mad Hongjoong was with him.

[ **SAN** : HYUNG! WE LOVE YOU! PLEASE DO NOT FEEL SAD! IT WILL ALL BE OKAYYYY

 **SEONGHWA** : Thank you Sanie :') btw…is Hongjoong mad at me?

 **SAN** : I do not think so…but he has been super busy talking with all the staff and everybody about what we are going to do

 **SAN** : not that it is your fault or anything

 **SAN** : you did not do anything wrong ofc pls rest and get better okay???

 **SAN** : WE ALL STILL LOVE YOU HYUNG

 **SEONGHWA** : I love you all too <3]

Hongjoong allegedly being too busy to text him was not reassuring to Seonghwa at all. Especially since the only reason why Hongjoong was so busy was because of him.

It was almost like the “Pirate King” recording all over again. Once again, Seonghwa was the weakest link in the group. The one bringing everyone down. Ironically, they’d probably be stronger without him. They should be thanking Seonghwa’s useless, inflexible legs.

He had fallen asleep again when the group finally came back home from a long day at practice.

They came in loudly, which made Seonghwa stir, but upon noticing Seonghwa was resting on the couch, they all immediately quieted.

“It’s okay, I’ve been sleeping all day,” Seonghwa slowly sat up on the couch.

Mingi rushed over to him. “I am really sorry, Seonghwa-hyung! We should not have stretched that much yesterday, it is all my fault.”

He reached out and patted Mingi’s arm. “Awh, it’s okay, it’s not your fault. I’m just more inflexible than I thought I guess,” he gave a forced chuckle.

“They told us what the doctor said,” Yunho said. “At least it is not any worse. You will back in no time.”

“Yeah, I am kind of jealous! Hyung gets a vacation!” Wooyoung whined and plopped down onto the couch next to Seonghwa’s feet.

“Yeah, you can look at it like that! Think about all the dramas you will have time to watch!” San added and moved behind Seonghwa so he could play with his hair.

Seonghwa laughed at them and as he was looking at all of his members surrounding him, he finally realized one particular redhead was missing and his heart sank. “Where’s Hongjoong?” he asked. 

“Oh, when we left he was still talking with all the staff,” Yeosang explained.

“Yeah, he was not there for dinner either,” Jongho said.

And Seonghwa still probably didn’t have a text message from him either, causing him to start to feel a little angry. He thought that the leader at least would make sure to reach out to his members when one of them got injured. But, guess not.

“Hyung, do you want us to let you rest?” San looked down at him.

Seonghwa shook his head. “No, I’ve been resting all day. Let’s play some games and let Yunho beat all of our asses.”

Everyone cheered and Seonghwa figured it would be good to get his mind off of Hongjoong, lest his anger for him start to build even more.

It wasn’t until later in the night, when Seonghwa went to check the time on his phone after his ass was beat worse than usual, when he saw a text message from Hongjoong that was several hours old.

[ **HONGJOONG** : Sorry that I didn’t come back with the others. Just wanted to finish up some stuff. Don’t wait up for me, I want you to rest.]

Seonghwa rolled his eyes at the “don’t wait up for me” part and didn’t feel the need to respond. There wasn’t any “hope you feel better” or “cheer up” or “are you okay?” Just a cold, simple text message that got all the important information across. Like how you’d text your boss or your lab partner. 

And he didn’t even know why Hongjoong bothered to text him at all. The others had already told him where Hongjoong was. And he stayed late in the studio all the time anyways. What else was new?

Shit, if Hongjoong was going to be this petty then maybe Seonghwa would be too.

So when Hongjoong finally walked through the door at midnight, Seonghwa felt emboldened to respond accordingly to the way Hongjoong greeted them all.

“Yay! Hongjoong-hyung is home!” San cheered. “Want to play with us?”

Hongjoong frowned. “What are you all doing in here?”

Everyone was sprawled all around Seonghwa on the couch, the TV blasting the loud videogame as Yunho, Yeosang, Mingi, and Jongho typed wildly on the controls as Seonghwa, San and Wooyoung watched. San sat behind Seonghwa, Seonghwa’s back to San’s chest, as San helped support Seonghwa so he could sit up and turn his neck to see the TV. San’s arms were wrapped around Seonghwa’s chest and Seonghwa rested his arm on San’s bent knee.

“We are just hanging out,” Wooyoung explained.

“Well, that’s nice and everything, but Seonghwa needs to rest. It’s late,” Hongjoong snapped before walking over to stand in front of the TV. 

“Hyunggg!” The group gave a collective whine.

“Move! I was finally winning!” Mingi shouted and tried to bob his head to see around Hongjoong.

“Excuse me?” Hongjoong raised his eyebrows.

“Hongjoong-ah, it’s okay,” Seonghwa said. “I have a sprained muscle, I’m not on my deathbed. I’ve been resting all day.”

Hongjoong looked over at Seonghwa and San and clenched his jaw. “San-ah, get up, that can’t be good for Seonghwa’s hip.” 

San immediately started to shift but Seonghwa tightened the hand on San’s knee. “No, it’s fine. He’s been helping me out.”

“Well, we all have a long day ahead of us tomorrow, so they need to be getting to bed anyways,” Hongjoong said.

“Or you could play with us and not be a total party pooper like always,” Seonghwa shot back without thinking, but he was so irritated with Hongjoong that he didn’t even regret it.

Seonghwa could feel San tense behind him and the room grew quiet, with only the videogame music echoing eerily in the background. Yunho, Yeosang, Mingi, and Jongho all put down their controllers as Seonghwa and Hongjoong stared at each other.

Eventually, Hongjoong nodded his head slightly and ran his tongue over his front teeth. “Fine. I’ll be going to bed. You all do what you want. Goodnight.” Hongjoong quietly walked back to their room and shortly after, they all heard the door softly shut behind him. 

Who the fuck did Hongjoong think he was? Thinking he could seem to not give a shit about him all day long, only to come home late and break up the most fun Seonghwa had had all day? Absolutely not.

Though, even through Seonghwa’s anger, he knew that Hongjoong was right about them all needing to go to bed. It _was_ late.

“Hyung?” San whispered.

Everyone seemed to be staring at Seonghwa, wondering which hyung they were supposed to obey. 

“You heard Hongjoong,” Seonghwa said. “Let’s go to bed. We can play some more tomorrow.”

Normally, there would be some bickering or whining about being ordered to bed. But after Hongjoong and Seonghwa’s argument, no one put up a fight as they silently put up the videogame and shuffled off to bed.

“Do you want me to stay here with you?” San asked Seonghwa.

“No, thank you though, Sanie. I’m gonna get up and go talk to Hongjoong and probably apologize,” he sighed. He knew that what he said to Hongjoong was wrong. Especially in front of the younger boys. If they weren’t allowed to speak to Hongjoong like that, Seonghwa shouldn’t be either. Even if Hongjoong did deserve it. Which he did. Because he was an insensitive ass. 

Just as San finished gently untangling himself from Seonghwa and helped him up from the couch, Seonghwa heard San say: “Hongjoong-hyung.”

Seonghwa turned to see Hongjoong standing by the other side of the couch, with his hair now pushed back with a headband. “San-ah, do you mind giving me and Seonghwa a moment to talk?”

“Sure, Hyung…I was just going to bed anyways,” San gave Seonghwa a lingering glance before he headed to his room.

For a moment, Seonghwa and Hongjoong just stood in front of each other, staring. Awkward.

“You should probably sit down and rest your hip,” Hongjoong finally murmured and pointed at the couch.

He was right, so Seonghwa sat on the couch and Hongjoong sat down next to him.

“I was, uh…I was actually on my way to apologize to you,” Seonghwa admitted.

“Wait, don’t,” Hongjoong put a hand up. “I don’t need an apology. I’m not mad.”

He scoffed. “Oh, you’re not mad? That’s surprising.”

Hongjoong twitched his head in confusion and turned his body more towards Seonghwa. “I’m confused. Why do you always think I’m mad at you for some reason? Why would I be mad at you?”

Really? Did Hongjoong want the whole laundry list of things? “Uhh, today in the practice room? That whole performance of you exposing me in front of everyone. And then proceeding to scold me in front of everyone. You treated me like -”

“Like I was worried about you?” he quickly cut him off. “Yeah, I was.”

“If you were so worried about me you would’ve checked up on me today. Everyone else did,” Seonghwa sneered.

“I was…” he sighed and shook his head, “I was busy. I had stuff to work out with everyone. We were talking about what we were going to do about your lines. About the choreography. I’m the leader. I have to be on top of these things. You know that.”

“Yes, I know that. It’s just…I was already feeling so shitty about myself today. About how I could’ve let this happen. About how I’ve let all of you down. You know? And you being cold and snippy with me didn’t help me feel any better about myself. It actually made me feel worse.”

Hongjoong dropped his head. “…I’m sorry. Really. I didn’t mean to make you feel worse.”

“Yeah, well…” Seonghwa voice tapered off and they went back to sitting in silence.

At this point, Seonghwa didn’t know if he was mad at Hongjoong or not. Which was a very weird concept to grasp. How can you be so frustrated with someone, desperately wanting them to do everything they’re not doing, yet at the same time…completely understand why they weren’t doing the things you wanted them to do? Yeah, it didn’t make much sense. And neither did any of the thoughts in Seonghwa’s brain.

He just didn’t understand where this desire in him was coming from. The desire for Hongjoong to act just how Seonghwa wanted him to act in every situation. The desire for Hongjoong to be there for Seonghwa every second of every day, through all of the highs and lows. The desire for Hongjoong to only dedicate his time and effort to him, despite Hongjoong being his own person and having his own life and responsibilities.

Once again, Seonghwa was the selfish one.

Maybe he wasn’t mad at Hongjoong at all. Maybe he was mad at himself.

Breaking the silence, Hongjoong sucked in a breath: “Why didn’t you tell me you were hurt?”

Seonghwa blinked a few times and looked over at him. “Probably because I didn’t want to believe I was hurt. I wanted not to be.”

He nodded, but then said, “But I want you to tell me things like that. I want you to tell me everything.”

With Hongjoong’s hair pushed back like that, Seonghwa could see more of his face. It was bare and open to him. Seonghwa felt that his face looked as honest as the words he spoke. But, Seonghwa didn’t want to tell Hongjoong everything. How could he ever tell Hongjoong everything? There were definitely some secrets he needed to keep from Hongjoong. Like all the nonsense that was constantly going on in his brain about Hongjoong.

But.

He should’ve told someone from the start about his hip. That’s what teammates were for. That’s what best friends were for. That’s what Hongjoong was for. So Seonghwa nodded slowly. “Okay, okay,” he murmured.

“You had me so worried,” Hongjoong rested a hand on Seonghwa’s thigh. “I’m sorry that I spoke to you like that in the practice room. I shouldn’t have gone about it like that. But…you know, I don’t want to see anyone hurt. Especially not you.” His voice lowered near the end.

Seonghwa glanced down at the hand on his thigh and Hongjoong quickly retracted it.

Hongjoong cleared his throat. “But you know, I guess I’m just a lame old party pooper.”

He gasped and slapped Hongjoong on the arm. “I’m sorry! It just kinda slipped out.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” he drawled with a smirk on his face. “I saw your face. You enjoyed calling me a party pooper. You’ve probably been waiting to call me that since you met me.”

“Well…” Seonghwa sing-songed earning a mirrored gasp from Hongjoong.

“Park Seonghwa! You are the biggest party pooper here!”

“I am not! I never bitch at anyone for refusing to tell the whole world about their muscle strains.”

Seonghwa and Hongjoong both looked at each other with huge grins before cracking up in laugher.

“Okay, okay, draw.” Hongjoong patted his knees and stood up from the couch. He stuck out his hand towards Seonghwa. “Let’s go to bed now.” 

He looked up at Hongjoong’s hand with a puzzled look. “I thought I was just gonna sleep on the couch. I can’t climb up the bunk.”

“Don’t be silly. I’m not going to let you sleep on the couch. You’re gonna sleep in my bunk for the next couple of weeks.”

Hongjoong’s bunk? Seonghwa’s heart began to pound. “Well, where will you sleep?”

“I’m assuming your bunk…since there’s two of us and two bunks. How many pain pills did you pop?” Hongjoong used his extended hand to ruffle Seonghwa’s hair.

“Not enough to deal with you,” he quipped before he let Hongjoong help him off the couch.

“When did you get this feisty?” Hongjoong asked as they both slowly walked back to their room. “I don’t think I like it very much.”

Seonghwa chuckled. “I’ve been hanging out with you too much.”

“Ouch! Seonghwa-sshi!” Hongjoong joked. “Quit being so brutal! You’re making Yeosang look tame!”

*

There were a few reasons why Seonghwa liked Hongjoong’s bunk.

One: It was on the bottom. Even when he was able bodied he hated climbing the ladder. Plus waking up with the ceiling so close to your face makes you feel like you’re Count Dracula waking up in a coffin.

Two: When Hongjoong came home late, him climbing the ladder would wake Seonghwa up, giving them more precious time to talk with each other one-on-one.

Three: _It was Hongjoong’s bunk_. And with it came…a smell. Obviously not a bad smell. No. It was an alarmingly good smell. Of course, Seonghwa already knew what Hongjoong smelled like. He lived with the guy. And he knew that everyone had their own distinct smell. Totally normal.

But what was probably not as normal was how much Seonghwa became to enjoy the smell. The first night they had only switched pillows and Hongjoong had promised he’d switch the sheets in the morning. Only…Hongjoong never did. And Seonghwa never reminded him.

It was an intense smell that immediately brought Seonghwa back to when they shared the bed in Japan. Only, the smell in Japan was fleeting, and Seonghwa didn’t get to revel in it the same way he did when he was alone in Hongjoong’s bunk. He had free range to turn his face into the sheets and breathe in the comforting smell that Seonghwa didn’t even know how to describe. It smelled like…Hongjoong. It was warm and soft, like clean cotton out of the dryer or fresh air on summer day. A little flowery, but only in a laundry detergent type of way. A little earthy, but only in a living human sort of way.

It came to Seonghwa one night that maybe Hongjoong didn’t want to switch the sheets because he also liked the way Seonghwa smelled. Only, Seonghwa highly doubted he smelled as good as Hongjoong.

But there was one reason why Seonghwa did not like Hongjoong’s bunk.

No stars.

He had grown accustomed to looking up at his stars on the ceiling as he drifted off to sleep, his eyes usually tracing a hundred times over his and Hongjoong’s constellations. But in Hongjoong’s bunk, all he had was the darkness of his bunk above him.

When Hongjoong asked how Seonghwa was liking Hongjoong’s bunk, Seonghwa told him everything, like he had promised to do. “I definitely don’t miss climbing that ladder…but I do kinda miss my stars.”

“Yeah, well they’re my stars now,” Hongjoong had teased him with a devious smirk.

Only, one night after Seonghwa had finished his nightly shower, he’d laid down in Hongjoong’s bunk and looked up to find one single star taped onto the bottom of his old bunk.


	3. Part Two, Section Two: August - December 2019

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **!!!!TRIGGER WARNINGS for this chapter: homophobia, child abuse!!!!**  
>    
> Please read with caution and enjoy!
> 
> This HAS NOT been beta-read by anyone other than me myself and I. Please comment any errors you see and I will fix them!

** **

* * *

** Part Two, Section Two **

** August – December 2019 **

_Listen to: “Patience” by The Lumineers and “Colorblind” by Maddox_

* * *

It was hard that he had to sit out through their Australian tour, but all the members were supportive of him during the whole ordeal, plus the doctor cleared him afterward for Kcon L.A. (which Seonghwa still struggled through), with the expectation that he’d take it easy during their hiatus before their October comeback.

The members all spent their hiatuses in a variety of different ways. Some of them chose to visit family for Chuseok (if they were in town), or focus on exercise, or study up on English, or just goof off as much as possible. Seonghwa normally enjoyed relaxation. Having the freedom he normally didn’t get when they were busy promoting or touring. He liked to take his time throughout the days. Do whatever felt right. Sometimes that was lounging around the dorm, or going out with Wooyoung and San, or focusing on his vocal lessons. This particular hiatus, however, unfortunately what felt right was doing physical therapy so he could get his hip back into working condition.

Hongjoong, on the other hand, always kept the same schedule, even on hiatuses. Working from dawn till dusk. Or more like, dawn till dawn. He was always at the company: in recording studios, meeting with the producer hyungs. Occasionally Hongjoong would join in on the fun with Seonghwa and the other members. But it was always still business as usual.

That was why it was so out of the ordinary, such a grand gesture, when Hongjoong said to him over lunch: “On Saturday, let’s do something.”

Seonghwa was just thankful that he had gotten Hongjoong to eat lunch with him at the company that day, much less the idea of planning something out in advance. Hongjoong’s words made his head jolt up from his noodles. “Like what?” he asked.

“I dunno, whatever you want. The whole day is yours.” Hongjoong spoke so casually about it, like he was ordering food over the phone.

Hongjoong’s tone, along with him somehow being free the whole day Saturday (which was not a common occurrence), made Seonghwa suspicious. “The whole day?”

He nodded. “Mhm.”

“You don’t have anything else to do on Saturday? You’re not busy?” Seonghwa felt the need to clarify – to make sure he wasn’t misunderstanding.

Hongjoong took a sip from his bottle of tea before he said, “I feel bad that you’ve been sitting out so much lately and I want to do something with you.”

He raised his eyebrows and gave an incredulous shake of the head. “Oh.”

“Unless _you’re_ busy?... It’s okay if you already have plans.” 

“No,” Seonghwa hurriedly said. “I don’t have any other plans. I’d love to do something with you.”

Hongjoong bobbed his head and gave a slight smile. “Cool. Yeah, uh, just decide on what you wanna do.”

Easier said than done. Over the days leading up to Saturday, Seonghwa didn’t have the faintest clue of what he wanted to do with Hongjoong. It was the alone time Seonghwa was always wishing for, and now that he had it, he didn’t know what to do with it. There really wasn’t much to do around their dorms. There was always arcades, shopping, eating, parks, movies, sports. An amusement park would be fun, but it was probably too much of a hassle with such short timing. Maybe some other time. Whenever that would be.

It hit Seonghwa on Friday morning that he was treating his day with Hongjoong with the stress of planning a first date. Which obviously it wasn’t. It was just Hongjoong. It was just a day to hang out with his roommate. He didn’t stress that much over hanging out with any of the members. They just did whatever felt right. Hanging out was supposed to be relaxing, not stressful.

But then again, he couldn’t just wing it with Hongjoong like he did the other members. What if Hongjoong ended up having zero fun with Seonghwa? Sure, they hung out all the time, but it was for small intervals. And sure, they spent basically all of Christmas together, but they just mostly sat around the dorm and played in the snow. It was September and there were no Christmas presents and no snow.

Seonghwa really wished that he and/or Hongjoong had any sort of hobbies to help guide him on making choices. All Seonghwa liked was cleaning and building action figures, and Hongjoong seemed to never leave the studio…so.

But by some incredible luck (he seemed to be having more of it lately), he was digging through some of their wardrobe drawers Friday evening and he stumbled across one of Hongjoong’s earrings that had accidentally ended up amongst Seonghwa’s jewelry.

And then he got the perfect idea. And it was “broke-idol” friendly too.

“If you’re making me take a bus we better be going somewhere good,” Hongjoong joked Saturday morning after Seonghwa had led him to a nearby bus stop.

He narrowed his eyes at him. “Just sip your coffee and relax.”

Hongjoong gave a little “hmph” before sucking on the straw in his iced americano. He was wearing black ripped jeans, a blue buttoned-up denim jacket, and a black ball cap that was hiding his freshly cut and dyed hair. It would have been a lie if Seonghwa said that he didn’t miss Hongjoong’s red hair. But he always ended up missing Hongjoong’s past hairs.

Seonghwa had refused to tell Hongjoong where he was taking him, but the secret came out fairly quickly once they were on the bus and passing half a dozen signs pointing the direction towards the Seoul Forest.

“Ooo, the park!” Hongjoong said as the buildings they kept passing slowly started turning into trees.

“Yeah, sorry, I couldn’t think of anything else to do,” Seonghwa fretted from the seat next to him.

“No, this is great,” he turned his head to look at him with a reassuring smile. “I haven’t been here in a while anyways.”

Seonghwa inwardly beamed.

Once they were in the park walking along the path, Hongjoong looked down at his shoes and said, “Whew, I’m glad I wore sensible shoes.”

“Sorry, it’s a lot of walking,” Seonghwa cringed.

Hongjoong groaned and gave him a gentle shove. “Quit saying sorry. I thought you’d be used to my teasing by now.”

He opened his mouth to apologize for apologizing, but thankfully Hongjoong interrupted him by pointing over to pond just off the path that was shrouded in trees and trimmed brush. “That’d be a nice place to take a picture!”

Hongjoong stepped off the path and Seonghwa obediently followed him over to the edge of the pond. Even in the distance you couldn’t see the city anymore. It was just green trees and blue sky.

“Stand here,” Hongjoong ordered before moving back from Seonghwa and holding up his phone.

Seonghwa posed and held up a finger heart against the backdrop of the pond and the park as Hongjoong took his picture. After a few moments, Hongjoong walked back over to him and showed him the pictures he took. “So handsome,” he said and pointed at Seonghwa’s jawline.

Seonghwa blushed and changed the subject. “Come on, I wanted to go somewhere in particular.”

He led Hongjoong further down the path and as they were crossing a bridge a glass building finally came into view.

“The butterfly garden!” Hongjoong beamed, looking at the large butterfly sign in front of the building. But then, his face grew wistful and he looked over to Seonghwa. “My mom used to take me here all the time. How did you know that?”

“I didn’t. I just knew that you liked butterflies,” he replied.

Seonghwa probably liked butterflies as much as anyone, but obviously not enough to be comfortable by the amount that ended up landing on him once they were inside the butterfly garden. Thankfully the garden was mostly empty, so he didn’t embarrass himself too much every time he jumped in fright when a butterfly landed on his arm or shoulder. But Hongjoong seemed to enjoy laughing at his plight so he supposed it wasn’t all bad.

When the butterflies landed on Hongjoong his mouth would fall open in awe and he’d look down with wide eyes as it beat its wings every so often before flying off again. Seonghwa found himself looking at Hongjoong more than the butterflies or the flowers. Hongjoong had taken off his hat and tied it around his belt loop so he could see without the brim of the hat in the way. And with his hair cut that short, Seonghwa could see all of the silver piercings that lined his ears and glinted when the sunlight reflected across the glass ceiling.

When Hongjoong was busy admiring some particularly pretty flowers, Seonghwa managed to snap out of it enough to fumble with his phone and take a picture. While he was looking at his phone screen, noting how Hongjoong was prettier than the flowers, he heard him say: “Quick, ‘Hwa!”

Seonghwa looked up and saw Hongjoong standing almost completely still, his index finger holding a bright blue butterfly. Seonghwa was able to swipe back to his camera and take a picture before the butterfly flapped away.

“Did you get it?” Hongjoong asked excitedly.

“Yeah, I did,” he waved him over.

Hongjoong leaned against Seonghwa’s shoulder as the two looked at the picture he had taken. Hongjoong was looking at the camera with wide eyes and an even wider smile and the butterfly stood out so blue, even against the blue jacket Hongjoong was wearing. “Wow, look how pretty it is.”

Seonghwa gulped as his eyes flittered over Hongjoong’s smile in the picture. “Yeah. I can’t believe I managed to get a picture.”

“Make sure you send that to me,” he poked him in the arm before wandering off to look at more of the flowers.

Seonghwa sent the picture to him before he forgot and had to force himself to stop looking at the picture like some kind of freak. Yeah, Hongjoong was pretty. What else was new? He had tons of pictures of Hongjoong on his phone. It was no big deal. Just two friends taking artistic masterpieces of each other.

It just really bothered Seonghwa that for some reason, he couldn’t give a shit about the butterfly in the photo.

Eventually, they got hungry and headed out of the park in search of food.

“Did you have fun?” Seonghwa asked Hongjoong as they waited for the bus.

“Of course. Thanks for bringing me.” His cap was back on now as he eye-smiled at Seonghwa. “What’s the plan for the rest of the day?”

“Um.” Seonghwa had been so proud about his butterfly garden idea that he hadn’t given much to thought about what was going to come after it. “Late lunch and then maybe we can see what the others are up to?”

Hongjoong tilted his head in thought. “Hm. Orrr we can go back to the company and listen to the progress on the album? Just you and me?”

His eyes grew wide and he wondered if he heard him correctly. Normally he didn’t hear much of the progress on the albums, except for special circumstances like when Hongjoong took Seonghwa with him to the studio that one time to sit with the producer hyungs. Normally Seonghwa just heard the guide, recorded the song, and then eventually listened to the finished product with the rest of group. He never listened to much of the process beyond that, and especially not with just himself and Hongjoong. “Wait, what? Really?”

“Yeah, if you want, of course. I have some of the files on my computer,” Hongjoong said.

Seonghwa tried to play it cool, but he could hear his own excitement in his voice when he said, a bit too high-pitched: “Sure, that sounds great.”

They ate lunch and headed to the company. Jongho, San, and Yeosang were there doing various other things, so they snuck into an empty smaller practice room.

Hongjoong seemed to find it very entertaining watching Seonghwa listen to some of the songs, based on how much Hongjoong laughed and smiled at him. Seonghwa couldn’t help but “oo” and “ah” at some of the tracks and bounce up and down in his seat in delight at how amazing some of the tracks already sounded with minimal sound engineering.

“Atinys are going to go crazy over this album,” Seonghwa said, still in awe after he played him the last track he had.

“Hopefully _everybody_ will go crazy over this album,” Hongjoong corrected him.

He shook his head. Not in disagreement, but in disbelief. “It’s like you were made for this, Hongjoong-ah, it’s insane.”

“Shut up,” Hongjoong whined and fumbled with some of the chords on the computer.

“No, I’m serious!” he said. “I’m so proud of you.”

Hongjoong looked over at Seonghwa and Seonghwa could see him swallow hard. “Th-thank you.” He then cleared his throat. “Since some of the others are already here, you wanna see if we can get everybody together for dinner? Unless you had anything else on the agenda.”

“No, that’s fine,” Seonghwa stood up from his chair. “I’ll text the group while you close everything out.”

Since they were on hiatus, it had been awhile since everyone had come together for a meal. Hongjoong graciously bought pizza for everyone and they all stuffed their faces in the main room of their dorm. It was nice to get to laugh together, even if the laughter always ended up being at the cost of Seonghwa’s pride. (He’d get San and Wooyoung back eventually one day.)

Hongjoong told everyone about the adventures they had been on that day as he passed around his phone so everyone could look at the butterfly picture Seonghwa had taken of Hongjoong.

“Wait…and look at the one I took of Seonghwa!” Hongjoong said once his phone made it back to him. He swiped on his phone for a few seconds before he passed it back around.

It didn’t make it any farther than Mingi, who cooed, “Awh! Now that is a boyfriend pic!” and turned the phone around to show everyone.

Seonghwa was expecting to see his finger heart pond picture, but instead it was a picture of Seonghwa in the butterfly garden. At some point, he had wondered away from Hongjoong to look at a particular pretty display of pink flowers. And apparently Hongjoong had taken the opportunity to catch a quick picture of him. Since the phone was far away, he couldn’t see the photo clearly enough to make out anything more.

The members erupted in “oo’s” and “ah’s” at the picture.

“Hyung! You should post that on SNS!” Wooyoung said.

Hongjoong grinned and shook his head. “If Seonghwa wants to he can.” 

“I didn’t know you took that picture, let me see!” Seonghwa extended his hand towards Mingi.

“I wish I could look that good when I did not even know I was being photographed,” San grumbled.

Mingi passed the phone down the line until it made its way to Seonghwa.

It was obvious Hongjoong was trying to be discreet as he took the picture, since it was at an angle. But Seonghwa was still very clearly bending over a mass of pink flowers, a variety of light and dark shades. His eyes were open, his mouth slightly parted as he observed the flowers, his jawline looking particularly sharp from the side profile. And miraculously enough, off to the side, sitting on top of some light pink flowers: a blue butterfly.

The picture was beautiful, to say the very least. He wouldn’t mind it being posted everywhere online.

“Oh, I took even more than that,” he heard Hongjoong say.

Seonghwa furrowed his eyebrows and looked up at Hongjoong to find him smirking at him.

“Only Hongjoong-hyung would go to a butterfly garden and take pictures of Seonghwa-hyung instead of the butterflies,” Yeosang joked.

Hongjoong flushed and his eyes cut over to Yeosang.

Desperately curious, Seonghwa swiped through Hongjoong’s camera roll finding dozens more pictures of him in the butterfly garden. Some at different angles, others by different flowers. How had Seonghwa not noticed him taking all of these photos? Suddenly, he felt very ashamed that he had only taken the one picture of Hongjoong with the butterfly. It was Seonghwa’s idea to go and Hongjoong had spent the entire time taking pictures of him instead of enjoying himself. Hongjoong knew how much Seonghwa liked taking selfies and posting them on SNS (loving the instantaneous ego boost it always gave him). It was a nice thing for Hongjoong to do, but it left Seonghwa feeling selfish and like he had robbed him of a good time at the butterfly garden.

He didn’t even care how pretty the pictures were that Hongjoong took of him. Seonghwa now resented them.

“Post them! Post them!” Wooyoung pounded his fist on the table.

Seonghwa gulped thickly before passing Hongjoong’s phone back over. “Maybe, we’ll see. I’m sure Atiny is sick and tired of seeing my face.”

“Since when have you been so humble?” Jongho quipped, causing all of the others to laugh.

Except Hongjoong. Seonghwa couldn’t help but notice his smile falter as he fiddled with his phone.

So it wasn’t surprising when Hongjoong brought up the pictures when they went back to their room after dinner.

“Did you not like the photos I took of you?”

Seonghwa’s hand was still on their door handle, just having closed it behind them. “No, I did. They were really nice. Thank you.”

Hongjoong tilted his head. “ _But_ …I know there’s a ‘but’ in there. I know you too well.”

“There’s no ‘but’,” he denied. “They’re pretty pictures.”

“You promised me you’d tell me things. That you’d tell me everything.” The words Hongjoong spoke were at face value a warning. But the tone in which he spoke them…it sounded small and hurt. Like Seonghwa had hurt his feelings somehow. Probably by him not being overly enthusiastic of how Hongjoong had ruined his time with the butterflies to take pictures of Seonghwa.

Seonghwa pursed his lips and walked over to sit on the bottom bunk.

“Look, I wasn’t trying to be creepy or anything,” Hongjoong continued.

“Creepy?” Seonghwa was confused now.

His knee wobbled a bit as he stood in front of Seonghwa. “I should’ve asked before I took pictures of you. I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not mad at you.” Why would Seonghwa be mad at Hongjoong? For being a good friend?

“You’re not?”

“No, I’m mad at _myself_.” For being a selfish friend.

“ _What_? Okay, time out,” Hongjoong furiously shook hands at him. 

Seonghwa nervously wiggled his body and whined: “I’m the one who took you to the butterfly garden but instead of having a good time you took pictures of me the whole time instead.”

“Yeah,” Hongjoong nodded. “Because I wanted to.” 

“Yeah, because you wanted to make me happy so I could have pictures to post online for Atiny,” he explained. “Because I’m a selfish person.”

“What? You’re not selfish,” Hongjoong’s tone immediately grew gentler and he swiftly sat down next to Seonghwa. “You didn’t ask me to take those photos.”

“But you know how much I like photos.”

He laughed in disbelief. “Park Seonghwa! Are you really trying to tell me what’s going on in my own head?”

Like a child in trouble, Seonghwa hung his head and said softly: “No…”

“I did have a good time. I saw plenty of butterflies. And I took those pictures because…well I thought you looked handsome. Okay? If anyone was being selfish it was me. Because I wanted those photos of you for myself. I wasn’t thinking about Twitter or Instagram or Atiny or anything when I took those,” Hongjoong said.

“…Oh,” he murmured. Hongjoong wanted the photos for himself? That was definitely a development that Seonghwa wasn’t expecting. And obviously, it was more information that Hongjoong had wanted to give up based on how silent the room became.

Hongjoong had thought Seonghwa looked handsome enough that he wanted to take photos of Seonghwa for himself.

He had heard that right, right?

Seonghwa supposed it was no different than him when he took that butterfly photo of Hongjoong. He hadn’t been thinking about anything else either when he took that photo. He had just thinking about how pretty Hongjoong was. Nothing else really mattered. And sure, Hongjoong had been the one who wanted the photo. But Seonghwa wasn’t complaining about having the original on his own phone.

Did Hongjoong have the same thoughts about Seonghwa that Seonghwa had about Hongjoong?

He was immediately reminded of Christmas. When they were joking around in the snow and Hongjoong had said that Seonghwa was beautiful. He’d assumed it was a spur of the moment type of thing and had abandoned thinking any more about it when he noticed that Hongjoong never used that wordage again.

But maybe.

Just maybe.

Seonghwa wasn’t crazy. He wasn’t creepy. He wasn’t gross. It was truly normal to think that your best friend and roommate was beautiful.

He turned to Hongjoong. “I don’t think I want to post these.”

“Why?” he asked.

“I don’t think I have to share everything with Atiny, right?” Seonghwa mused. “I just want to share these with you.”

Hongjoong slowly nodded as a grin grew on his face. “Sounds good to me. So you like the pictures then?”

“Come on Hongjoong-ah, you know they’re good pictures. Professional level. You don’t need me to gas you up even more.”

He patted Seonghwa’s knee. “Hm, okay. Just checking.”

*

Seonghwa blessed every god he could think of that he was cleared by the doctor for their September schedule. Only, he supposed that whatever god was listening to him also had a sense of humor, since Mingi got a back injury just as Seonghwa was medically cleared.

His injury was far worse than Seonghwa’s, so Mingi was basically on bedrest. Seonghwa wished that he would have just stayed injured instead of Mingi because he felt that Mingi was a far more important part of their group in terms of performance and line distribution than him.

With all of the chaos of the revolving door of members getting injured, everyone started treating Seonghwa like he was a porcelain doll. Their practices were full of the other boys saying things like “Hyung, be careful” and “Hyung, do not do that” and “Hyung, take a break please.” He wondered how much of it came from a place of true concern for Seonghwa and how much of it came from them not wanting to lose another member due to injury. Probably a mixture of both. Which was fine with Seonghwa because he actually enjoyed being doted on a bit. He was so used to doing with the others since he was the oldest, it was nice to get the extra attention.

Hongjoong also paid Seonghwa extra attention. They had several of the same conversations over and over again, usually going something like this:

Hongjoong: You’ll tell me if you start hurting again, right?

Seonghwa: Yes, Hongjoong-ah.

Hongjoong: You’ll say something before you’re pushed too hard, right?

Seonghwa: Yes, Hongjoong-ah.

Hongjoong: Promise me that you’ll sit out if you have to. And you won’t go so hard on the dances. And you -

Seonghwa: Yes, for the love of god, I promise, Hongjoong-ah!

Seonghwa only pretended to be exacerbated by their reoccurring conversations. He wasn’t going to lie to himself, he definitely enjoyed the attention. Especially from Hongjoong.

After they found out that Hongjoong was going to get a solo stage at Kcon Thailand, Seonghwa started trying to push some of that extra attention back on to Hongjoong. It was one of those few times where Seonghwa understood and allowed Hongjoong to stay late at the company every night. He only had a few weeks to prepare something, and Hongjoong was a perfectionist to the worst degree.

Seonghwa figured his duty as Hongjoong’s best friend was to send him supportive texts and remind him to take breaks, just as Hongjoong had told Seonghwa to take breaks. He’d listened to Hongjoong’s verse a hundred million times by the time they got to Thailand. Constantly saying “yes, it’s amazing” because it _was_. Hongjoong had more talent in his pinky than Seonghwa had in his whole body.

Seonghwa made sure to go to all of his stage rehearsals. He’d always ask Seonghwa to give his feedback afterwards, and of course, he had nothing but nice things to say which would make Hongjoong a bit frustrated. But really, how could he say anything negative? It was Hongjoong. The man was perfect. He could completely botch the performance and it would still be better than anything Seonghwa could do.

Hongjoong was so nervous about his solo stage – a nervousness that Seonghwa hadn’t seen since their debut. They could hear the Thai crowd very clearly, even from backstage. Hongjoong was bouncing on the balls of his feet as the event staff bustled around them.

“I don’t think I’m that nervous, I think it’s just adrenaline, I think I’m just excited,” Hongjoong’s voice shook as he spoke to Seonghwa, words that were probably meant to convince his own self that he wasn’t nervous, even though he clearly was.

“You’ll do fine. If it’s anything like the rehearsals, I think you’ll really kill it,” Seonghwa assured him.

Hongjoong looked around at all the activity around them. “I’m opening though. Like, I’m the first thing everyone is gonna hear. If I blow it…”

“You’re not gonna blow it,” he cut him off. “You’re gonna do amazing because you’re Kim Hongjoong. Okay?”

He nodded but Seonghwa could tell he wasn’t really taking anything he was saying to heart. “Thank you for being backstage with me, though. It’s throwing me off not having all of you here with me.”

“Of course, what are friends for?” He gave him a reassuring smile.

One of the staff members came up and started ushering Hongjoong towards the underneath of the stage, where he’d ride the lift up to the stage. Hongjoong gave Seonghwa a wobbly smile. “Here I go,” he said.

“Hongjoong-ah! Fighting!” Seonghwa held up his fist.

“Fighting!” Hongjoong called back at him as he was led away.

Seonghwa watched the whole opening performance from the monitor backstage. Like he expected, Hongjoong was amazing. No mistakes. All perfection.

Except.

Something peculiar happened. 

He got a very funny feeling when he first saw Hongjoong rising up from the stage lift, crouched down, his head bowed and covered with his leather cap, spitting into his mic. The funny feeling only grew when he saw Hongjoong grab onto his belt as he walked across the stage. And then again when he ripped his cap off his head and threw it into the crowd...the funny feeling manifested itself to a point where Seonghwa was tugging on the collar of his sweater, suddenly feeling constrained in the heavy fabric. Hongjoong flipped the microphone upside down and didn’t miss a beat of the song and Seonghwa’s mouth went dry.

A very funny feeling indeed. A feeling he hadn’t felt during Hongjoong’s rehearsals. A feeling that suddenly went away whenever Soyeon came on stage. A feeling Seonghwa chose to forget about whenever Hongjoong came bounding backstage after the performance was over, a grin plastered on his face ear to ear.

“‘Hwa! ‘Hwa! Did you see me? How was I?” Any nervousness Hongjoong had before had since disappeared, replaced with pure energy and excitement.

“I saw, I saw! You looked so cool. You did us proud, Hongjoong-ah.”

Hongjoong’s performance was all Seonghwa and the other boys would talk about the rest of the time at Kcon. Even as they were preparing to go onstage as a group and even as they were coming off the stage as a group. Of course, annoying perfectionist Hongjoong said typical things like “I could’ve done better” and “I’ll work harder next time” but after Wooyoung yelled “Shut up! You’re cool as fuck!”, Hongjoong stopped making those comments. (And didn’t even scold Wooyoung for cursing _and_ speaking to him casually.)

Like in Indonesia, Seonghwa and Hongjoong roomed together again. Which Seonghwa was happy about, since he had missed Hongjoong during their Australia schedule while Seonghwa was instead rooming with San.

After the concert, their managers thought it would be a good idea to do a Vlive once they were back at the hotel room waiting for their food. And of course, they couldn’t resist mentioning Hongjoong’s performance a few dozen times during their live.

But again, something peculiar happened.

Not like the funny feeling Seonghwa had before. But something nonetheless peculiar.

Seonghwa was happily eating their big room service feast as Hongjoong was going through the Vlive comments.

As he chewed a bite, he briefly glanced over at Hongjoong’s phone just long enough to see him report a comment and go about his merry way like nothing had happened.

That would have been no big deal for Seonghwa, because well, he reported comments a lot. There was no reason for people to be mean or weird in the comments. Especially since other members and Atiny could read them. The other boys often teased him about it since they were never too bothered by any of the comments, even the mean or weird ones. But unlike them, Seonghwa was shallower and more sensitive about those sorts of things.

Which was why Hongjoong reporting a comment was out of the norm. He was the one who usually teased Seonghwa the most about it. Hongjoong was the least shallow person out of the group. He always let mean comments roll off his back. Or if anything, he would just try to prove the haters wrong.

Seonghwa was often envious of Hongjoong’s self-confidence.

So, Seonghwa was instantly alarmed by seeing Hongjoong stop to report a comment. It all happened so fast that he couldn’t read it before Hongjoong had swiped it away. Seonghwa tried to keep his face as even as possible, since they were being recorded for everyone to see. But on the inside, he was dying to know what that comment said.

And for the rest of the live, he kept imagining the possibilities. Obviously, it had to be something worse than what was normally in the comments if Hongjoong bothered reporting it. Maybe something about Hongjoong’s family? Maybe something about Mingi’s injury? Maybe something about Seonghwa himself? Hongjoong was that type of person to get angrier about what people said about other people than what people said about himself.

As soon as Hongjoong turned off the camera, Seonghwa immediately brought it up. He was mainly just curious what the comment said, but he also kind-of wanted to tease Hongjoong about being a big fat hypocrite. “I see I’ve rubbed off on you and you’re reporting comments now too,” Seonghwa smirked at him.

Now that the camera was off, Hongjoong’s true thoughts showed on his face. And he didn’t look amused. “I guess you’re right,” was his only reply.

Any sort of joy he thought he was going to get out of calling Hongjoong a hypocrite vanished in an instant and he slid his chair back from the table so he could look fully at him with a more serious face. “Woah, woah. Hey, what did it say?”

“Nothing nice,” Hongjoong said and he got up from the table and started fiddling around with the dishes on it, as if to try and drop the subject.

“Well obviously it was something bad if you reported it. Was it like…I don’t know, a death threat or something? If that’s the case we should tell - ”

“What?” Hongjoong set down a dish and looked over at Seonghwa. “No, no it wasn’t. It just one of those mean comments. Just a bully.” 

It must have been one hell of a mean comment by the looks of Hongjoong’s face, which looked like he was either on the verge of tears or the verge of throwing something. Knowing Hongjoong so well, most likely on the verge of tears. “What did it say?” Seonghwa continued to prod.

“It’s nothing worth repeating. Just drop it, okay? People are mean, that’s life.” Hongjoong’s voice was normally very colorful, with lots of emotion behind it, lots of different tones. But it was eerily flat, emotionless, and cold as he looked back down at the table.

“…Well…whatever it said. It isn’t true,” Seonghwa struggled to try and console Hongjoong without knowing much about what had been said. “And they’re a shitty person for saying it.”

“They said we were faggots.” 

It was like all the air was sucked out of the room.

Seonghwa just blinked at Hongjoong, while Hongjoong refused to look up from the dishes. It was a word that Seonghwa hadn’t heard in years – since school. Normally it had been said in passing from some of the older boys about the dance club that Seonghwa was the captain of. But he never let it bother him too much because he wasn’t gay. Just because he liked learning kpop dances didn’t make him gay. Just because he became a kpop idol didn’t make him gay. Plus, once he started going out with girls, he started hearing that word, among others, less. They were probably just jealous because Seonghwa was more popular than them, so he never got too upset about it.

But obviously, hearing the word made Hongjoong upset. He might’ve not been as exposed to it as Seonghwa was. So, he comforted Hongjoong the same way he comforted himself back in school: “Well, that’s not true. So, jokes on them.”

Hongjoong didn’t respond, not even with a facial tick or anything. And Seonghwa’s stomach churned. Seonghwa wasn’t gay. And obviously Hongjoong and Seonghwa weren’t gay together. But…was Hongjoong gay? Was this why he was so upset about it? There seemed to be no other explanation.

How was Hongjoong gay? Of course, Seonghwa knew how that sort of thing worked. You were born gay and everything. But, how did Seonghwa miss Hongjoong being gay? Hongjoong talked about girls, right? He had that crush on Camila Cabello. If Hongjoong was gay, he would’ve told Seonghwa, right? They were best friends. That’s something you tell your best friend.

What had he missed? Was he drawing the wrong conclusion? Why wasn’t Hongjoong saying anything? “That’s not true, right?” Seonghwa repeated himself, a bit gentler this time.

Hongjoong sucked in a sharp breath and finally looked up at him. “Right. It’s not true.”

Seonghwa didn’t know what it was about Hongjoong’s face, or his tone, but somehow, he found him unconvincing. His voice was a bit too strained, his eyebrows a bit too raised.

“Joong-ah, it’s okay if it’s true. If you’re gay, I mean,” he said.

Hongjoong studied Seonghwa’s face for just a second before shaking his head. “No, I’m not gay. It’s just…it’s not a nice word to say. You know? Some Atinys are LGBT so I didn’t want them to see that sort of thing.” 

“Fair. Obviously, you know that I would’ve reported it too,” Seonghwa half-heartedly joked to try to lighten the mood. “So you did the right thing.”

He nodded curtly and stepped back from the table.

Somehow, Seonghwa knew that the conversation wasn’t over. He could feel that there were things still left to be said – something that Hongjoong desperately needed to get off of his chest, whether he wanted to or not.

Seonghwa observed in silence as Hongjoong moved toward his suitcase in the corner of the room, unzipped part of it, paused, sighed, took a step back, turned around to look at Seonghwa, put his hands on his hips, and said with an uneven voice: “I just don’t understand why people speak to other people like that.”

“Because they obviously have nothing better to do with their lives,” Seonghwa grumbled while putting his chin on his fist.

Hongjoong opened his mouth to say something else before he snapped it back shut and began to pace the length of the room instead.

Seonghwa recognized this behavior. This was how Hongjoong acted whenever he spoke about his father. But Hongjoong’s father had nothing to do with the comment on Vlive.

Unless.

The puzzle pieces finally came together and the answer hit Seonghwa like a ton of bricks. He couldn’t help but wonder how he’d been so stupid to miss it. Probably because Hongjoong avoided the topic like the plague. Seonghwa wasn’t a therapist, but he knew that couldn’t be healthy. He wondered if Hongjoong had ever told anyone about it. Or if he just kept it bottled up inside and used the emotional baggage as motivation for his music and performances. It wasn’t Seonghwa’s place to try and pry it out of him. But at the same time, they were best friends. They’d made a promise. No secrets.

Maybe if Seonghwa talked about his experiences, Hongjoong would be keener to opening up to him.

“You know, I got called that a few times in school. Along with other names,” Seonghwa said.

Hongjoong abruptly stopped pacing. “Really?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “That’s what happens when you’re in the dance club.” 

Hongjoong’s jaw hardened. “I’m going for a walk, I’ll be back later.” He turned on his heel and headed for the door while Seonghwa mentally tried to catch up to what was happening.

“Okay…Wait, what?” Seonghwa shot up from the table and chased after Hongjoong, meeting him at the door just as he was about to open it. Since Seonghwa was taller, he had the advantage of being able to reach over Hongjoong and place his hand on the door, preventing it from opening.

“What the fuck, ‘Hwa!” Hongjoong cursed under his breath and tried to open the door, the handle hopelessly turning to no avail.

“What do you mean, _what the fuck_?” Seonghwa slung back at him. “You’re not going on a walk by yourself when we’re in downtown Bangkok. What has gotten into you? You’re not even wearing shoes!”

He abandoned the handle and turned towards Seonghwa. Since Seonghwa’s hand was still on the door, Seonghwa had Hongjoong caged and pinned against the door. Seonghwa’s face was leaning down to accommodate the height difference, so when Hongjoong turned, their noses were just inches away.

“Being this close to me doesn’t bother you?” Hongjoong asked lowly, with a hint of malice in his voice.

“No,” Seonghwa breathed without hesitation. “It doesn’t. Why would it?”

Hongjoong closed his eyes, almost as if he was in pain. His head fell backwards until it hit the door. “Did your dad ever call you a faggot?”

Seonghwa’s father definitely had his fair share of criticisms of him. Mostly about his choice of dancing club over sports and his choice of kpop idol over school. It was tamer insults. That he spent too much time in fantasy land instead of the real world. That he’d never be successful. That he’d bring the family shame. Miraculously though, his father never accused him of being gay. One of life’s small blessings, he supposed. “No, he never did.”

“Mine did,” Hongjoong rushed out, like if he didn’t say the words fast enough, he’d never say them at all. “All the time. Ever since I can remember.”

It was what Seonghwa had been expecting to hear. All the clues led to it. And yet it didn’t make it easier to hear. Nor did it make it any easier to look at Hongjoong’s face as he said it. His eyes still pinched closed, his eyebrows wrinkled together.

Of course, just because Seonghwa’s father never directly called Seonghwa gay didn’t mean his father was a gay ally. No, on the contrary, his father was very traditional. Marriage between a man and a woman. Homosexuality a sin. All that regular stuff. Side comments whenever homosexuality was mentioned in passing or on TV. How it was unnatural and a sign of what the world was coming to. He just never paid much attention to his father’s comments because his father was obviously dated and Seonghwa wasn’t gay. He didn’t have a reason to care.

But now Seonghwa started to wonder what his father would’ve been like if Seonghwa was born smaller, like Hongjoong. Or, if he hadn’t been so popular with the girls in his town. Would his father had called him a faggot too?

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay,” Seonghwa murmured, at a loss of anything else to say.

His eyes finally fluttered open again and he met Seonghwa’s gaze. “No, there’s not. But my dad seemed to think there was. And _god forbid_ one of his sons was. I guess he thought if he yelled at me enough, swore at me enough, hit me enough…that somehow it’d prevent me from turning out gay.”

Seonghwa’s eyes widened before they narrowed. “What do you mean, hit you enough?”

“Seonghwa-sshi, honestly, why do you think I do the Polished Man campaign?”

He sputtered a bit and shook his head. “I…I...” It all made perfect sense. Even though Seonghwa didn’t want it to. He didn’t want any of this for Hongjoong, even if it was all in the past. The other boys definitely didn’t know about any of this. Right? Was Seonghwa the first to know or the last to know? Had Hongjoong opened up about this to anyone else in his life? Hopefully? So someone could help him? Because all Seonghwa wanted to do was help Hongjoong. “Have you told any of the others?” he asked.

Hongjoong scoffed. “I didn’t want to tell you, much less anyone else.”

Suddenly, Seonghwa realized his hand was still on the door, his body still caging in Hongjoong’s. He took his hand off the door and took a step back. “We’re your brothers, though. You can tell us anything.”

Hongjoong looked up at him from underneath his lashes. “I know.” He sighed and continued: “I just don’t like to talk about it. But, take today. Had a killer performance. My first solo stage. And like always, my dad managed to ruin it one way or another.” He gave a short, sarcastic laugh.

He looked at Hongjoong with gentle eyes. “Joong-ah, is it okay if I hug you?”

Hongjoong’s eyes widened a bit and they traced Seonghwa’s body from head to toe, obviously not expecting Seonghwa to ask that. Seonghwa hadn’t really expected it either. But he knew that if it were him that was going through all of this, he’d want a hug from his best friend. “Yeah, it’s okay,” he finally nodded.

He swept Hongjoong up in a crushing hug. He wrapped his arms around Hongjoong’s shoulders while Hongjoong’s were wrapped around his waist. Swaying them back and forth a bit, Seonghwa muttered next to Hongjoong’s ear: “I know you’re tired of hearing me say it, but you did amazing today. For your performance and here in the hotel…I’m always so proud of you.”

His arms squeeze Seonghwa just a bit tighter. “Thank you, ‘Hwa.”

An idea took root in Seonghwa’s head and Hongjoong let out a confused giggle as suddenly Seonghwa was half-hopping, half-dragging the two of them over to his bed. “What are you doing?”

“Making sure you don’t try to run away without shoes on,” Seonghwa teased before he tossed the two of them, still entwined together, onto his bed, both of them landing on their sides. Their legs awkwardly dangled off the edge of the bed, so they disentangled themselves and fully scooched their full bodies onto the bed.

Hongjoong propped himself up on his elbow to look at Seonghwa, while Seonghwa laid on his back and turned his head to look over at Hongjoong. “For the record, I wasn’t going to go out on the _street_. I was just gonna walk around the floor or something,” Hongjoong said.

Seonghwa snorted. “Yeah, without shoes on.”

“I’m wearing socks!”

“Yeah, but that hallway is gross. Do you know how many people walk through there with their shoes on?”

“Not all of us are clean freaks like you. Maybe they need to hire you to do their cleaning.”

“Oh, they’d be so lucky!”

Hongjoong laughed and let his elbow give out, so he collapsed fully onto his side, his hand resting under his face.

“Did I manage to cheer you up?” Seonghwa asked.

He beamed at him when he said: “Always.”

Hongjoong’s smile, the way he was laid out next to him on the bed, his small hand underneath his face, it gave Seonghwa a rush of emotion. An emotion he easily identified, but instantly made him terrified.

He loved Hongjoong. More than any of the love he had for the other members. Unlike the love he had for any of his family members. It was something so different. A sense of duty towards him. Loyalty. Responsibility. Pride. Respect. It all felt very normal and abnormal at the same time. It was normal because it was Hongjoong. Of course he felt that way about Hongjoong. It was Hongjoong. But abnormal because it didn’t know what it meant. Hongjoong was his best friend. Seonghwa had never really had one before. Maybe that’s how all best friends felt towards one another. You’d hope that best friends would have love for each other.

He didn’t give a shit about whether or not loving his best friend made him gay, or the other word the Vlive comment had used. Because obviously, Seonghwa wasn’t. He didn’t want to like…fuck Hongjoong or anything. He just wanted to take care of him, hug him, spend time with him. Stuff best friends did. Completely normal. Of course, he wouldn’t know the difference. But he assumed it was normal. And since he declared it normal, he had to make sure Hongjoong knew how much he loved him. So he’d know that he always had someone on his side. Someone to take his mind off of fathers and haters online.

“I care about you so much. I just wanted you to know,” Seonghwa said.

Hongjoong’s eyes flittered around Seonghwa’s face. “I care about you a lot too,” he breathed.

“Best friends?” he asked.

“Best friends,” Hongjoong nodded.

With all the stress of the day, Seonghwa sleepiness suddenly hit him like a bus and his eyes started feeling heavy. He would need to get up and get ready for bed, even though he didn’t want to move. Especially with Hongjoong right beside him making him feel even more comfortable in the otherwise itchy and lumpy hotel bed. “You should crash in my bed tonight,” Seonghwa mumbled.

Hongjoong gave a little weird, garbled noise at the back of his throat. “But these beds are already small enough as it is.”

“I don’t care,” Seonghwa said before yawning. “Gotta make sure you don’t run away.” To further emphasize his point, he threw his arm over Hongjoong.

“Ugh, I’m not going to run away.”

“Mm,” was Seonghwa’s only reply before he stopped fighting his eyelids and let them close.

A forceful poke on his cheek made his eyes snap right back open.

“Nope, you don’t get to fall asleep with all your makeup still on and the table still a mess! Get up.” Hongjoong threw Seonghwa’s arm off of him and hopped off the bed. “Who would’ve thought that _I’d_ be the only telling _you_ to clean?”

He groaned and got off the bed. “I hate you sometimes, I swear,” he grumbled.

“Oh really?” Hongjoong smirked at him. “Just a few minutes ago you were going on and on about how much you cared about me.”

He bent over to start digging in his suitcase at the end of the bed. “I don’t really remember going _on and on_ about it. I think you dreamed that part,” he bantered back.

“No, I clearly remember you saying something about how you’d take a bullet for me and how I was the best rapper of our generation – ”

An accurate toss of a shirt towards Hongjoong’s face shut up him quickly. And gave Seonghwa a good laugh.

Seonghwa managed to clean up and get ready for bed without falling asleep on his feet. He was a little shocked when Hongjoong crawled into bed beside him, without saying a word about it. He hadn’t really expected Hongjoong to actually sleep in his bed. (Hongjoong was right, the beds _were_ kinda small.) But Hongjoong was telling him goodnight like it was nothing and Seonghwa fell asleep almost immediately after he turned off the lamp. 

He woke up in the morning to find them both in their usual intertwined position and he was careful to extricate himself from the bed before any of the managers or the other members could find them like that.

He looked at Hongjoong sleeping peacefully for a moment or two before he walked away from the bed.

*

Even though it was their fourth comeback, Seonghwa felt like they had never been busier, probably because it was their first full length album. October was a mess of rehearsals, filming, performances, Jongho’s birthday, fan signs, interviews, and photoshoots. Oh, and then the added chaos of Mingi getting injured again half-way through promotions and being ordered back to bed rest by the doctor. Part of Seonghwa wished that he would have just stayed injured instead of Mingi, who in Seonghwa’s eyes was a more crucial part of the team. While all of the members made sure to check up on Mingi and give him good energy while he laid in bed upset that he was missing so much, Hongjoong was busy learning and practicing all of Mingi’s parts.

Usually whenever they came back from their schedules they’d still be running on adrenaline, sometimes staying up for hours afterwards in the dorm goofing off until sleepiness finally crept in. That wasn’t the case any longer. The dorm was eerily quiet at the end of the day and no one seemed to have any trouble falling asleep at night.

And then, if things couldn’t get more hectic, Jongho sprained his ankle. It was at that point, Seonghwa started to wish that promotions would be over already before someone else got injured. After Jongho, the managers sat the rest of the members down for a stern conversation that made it very clear to them that they were to take it easy and reel back in their performances. 

One of the silver linings of promotions, though, was seeing the good response from Atiny, like always. It was their anniversary and then their Halloween fan meet, so all of that managed to lift the group’s spirits a bit.

But even still, Seonghwa and Hongjoong’s dorm room remained mostly silent at night. Of course, not from awkwardness like in the past. Just due to pure exhaustion.

They had gotten back from the Halloween Wonderland special stage, they’d all pigged out on candy and sweets (provided mostly by a kind Yeosang), and Seonghwa thought that he might be in a permanent sugar coma as he laid in his bunk and looked up at the single star above him. Usually he’d hear Hongjoong clicking away on his Macbook at his desk, but that night he was lain in the bunk above him, equally as silent as he.

He didn’t know if it was because they had been so busy with promotions, or if they preferred it better this way, but they had never switched their bunks back. Hongjoong was still sleeping in Seonghwa’s bunk and Seonghwa was still sleeping in Hongjoong’s. Of course, they had eventually changed the sheets, to Seonghwa’s disappointment. But even long after the doctor had cleared Seonghwa, and Seonghwa had proved himself healthy by sticking through weeks and weeks of promotions, they never switched their bunks back.

All of the sugar Seonghwa ate must have triggered his anxiety or something, because one thought led to another and suddenly, he was rushed with thousands as he looked up at his star. What if Hongjoong was waiting for Seonghwa to prompt them to switch back? What if Hongjoong was miserable up there in that bunk? Hongjoong’s birthday was coming up, and Seonghwa would hate for Hongjoong’s birthday to come and he still be sleeping in the top bunk.

Sure, Seonghwa still liked all the pros of the bottom bunk. The location was nice. Hongjoong’s smell was gone since they had changed the sheets, but Seonghwa found comfort in knowing that Hongjoong was just above him. Knowing that beyond his star, laid Hongjoong looking at Seonghwa’s other stars. 

But of course, once again, Seonghwa was being selfish and only cared about his own needs. Maybe Hongjoong actually hated all of those bright stars above him. 

“Hongjoong-ah,” he said softly, in case Hongjoong’s sugar crash had turned into a sugar coma and Hongjoong was being so silent up there because he was actually fast asleep.

“Yeah?” Seonghwa heard him reply.

“We never switched our bunks back.”

“I know.”

There wasn’t any telling emotion behind Hongjoong’s words. He was just stating fact. And Seonghwa couldn’t see his face, leaving him unsure about how exactly Hongjoong felt about the possibility of switching back. “Did you…did you wanna switch back at some point? Since I’m all better now?”

“Ahhh, if you want to,” Hongjoong sighed.

“Right, but do _you_ want to?” he asked.

Seonghwa heard Hongjoong rustle around in the bunk. “Honestly, ‘Hwa, I thought I would mind more, but it really isn’t that bad up here. It makes more sense for me to be climbing up here every night since I’m smaller anyway.”

He didn’t think that it was possible that anyone would prefer the top bunk over the bottom, but he figured there was no sense bickering over whether or not Hongjoong was just being polite in not wanting to switch back. “Alright, just wanted to check,” he said.

“Why?” Hongjoong continued, except his voice sounded higher and more playful. “Do you miss all of your stars up here? They’ve been keeping me company at night.”

Seonghwa laughed. “Yeah, maybe just a little. But it’s okay, I have the one you gave me.”

Hongjoong didn’t reply, but Seonghwa heard more rustling from the bunk and then the sticky sound of something being peeled off. Hongjoong was obviously peeling more of the stars off the ceiling to bring down to him. “Hongjoong-ah, you don’t have to do that,” he whined. “You can keep them.”

Hongjoong tsked under his tongue. “No, they’re your stars.” More sounds of them being peeled away and then the bunk was rattling as Hongjoong climbed down the ladder with a stack of glowing stars in his hand.

“Scooch,” Hongjoong waved his hand.

Seonghwa sat up and moved over in the bunk so Hongjoong could sit beside him.

“Let’s see if I can get this right,” Hongjoong started fiddling with the stars, having to constantly turn his wrist so they wouldn’t stick onto his huge sweatshirt paws. “You may have to help me though, I don’t know as much of this stuff as you do.”

“What stuff?”

He gestured up to the star above them. “That’s the center of the Scorpio constellation I’ve already given you. We gotta just construct the rest now.”

“Scorpius,” Seonghwa quickly corrected him.

“Yeah, same difference.”

But wait…Seonghwa had to back it up a few steps. When he had built Hongjoong’s zodiac constellation out of the stars, he remembered clearly using one of the biggest stars in the pack to be Antares, the brightest star in the constellation. And probably what Hongjoong was referring to as the “point” of the constellation. And sure enough, the one star above them was one of the big ones.

Hongjoong had given Seonghwa one of the stars from his constellation? Seonghwa hadn’t known because he hadn’t been up to the top bunk since he first got injured several months ago.

“Hang on,” he held a hand up to Hongjoong.

Hongjoong looked up from the stars in his hands. “What?”

“You gave me Antares and not Hamal?”

“Yeah, I don’t know what any of that means,” he chuckled.

“Hamal is a star from my constellation. Aries. Antares is a star from yours,” Seonghwa explained.

“Ohhh,” Hongjoong nodded. “Well, I figured I’d keep your constellation and you could have mine. Since we swapped bunks and everything.”

Seonghwa was suddenly overwhelmed by how _cute_ and _sweet_ that was. His throat closed up a bit and his nose started to burn. He wasn’t going to cry over stickers, was he? “Well,” he said thickly. “That was very nice of you.”

“I know,” Hongjoong hummed, but then his smug smile turned into a pout. “Now help me stick these up here!”

“Gah, so bossy,” he grumbled, opening Safari on his phone. “Now, when I first did this up there, I cheated and googled a lot of this.”

“Good! I’d be worried if you knew all of this offhand.”

Seonghwa sat the picture of the constellation on the space of the bed between them and they collectively worked together to arrange the stars on the slats of the bunk above them.

“The stars up there will have a space missing now,” Seonghwa said as they laid back on the bed and observed their work.

“Eh, maybe a black hole came and ate them all,” he joked.

“And then transported them down here. Maybe wormholes exist after all.”

Hongjoong chuckled softly. “Hey, since it’s Halloween, do you wanna watch a scary movie or something?”

“But we hate scary movies.”

“True. Okay, you pick.”

“Hm,” Seonghwa thought for a moment. “How about a Star Wars movie?”

He groaned. “Nooo, why are you always trying to make me watch those?”

“Why do you care, you’re just gonna fall asleep half-way through the movie anyways.”

Hongjoong denied it at first, but eventually conceded. Sure enough, thirty minutes into the movie Hongjoong was asleep. They were sitting against the back of the bunk, their backs cushioned by pillows. Seonghwa was pretty comfy, even though he had Hongjoong’s hot Macbook on his lap. But Hongjoong definitely didn’t look comfortable, his head rolling to the side from where it wasn’t propped up properly by the back of the bunk.

Seonghwa managed to resist moving Hongjoong’s head until the rebels got to Endor. It was then that he ever so gently repositioned his head with the soft pads of his fingers, making it so Hongjoong’s head was tilted back against the bunk’s frame.

The explosion of the death star woke Hongjoong, to Seonghwa’s disappointment. He’d even turned down the volume and everything once he noticed Hongjoong began shifting more and more. 

“I know what this looks like, but I was just resting my eyes,” Hongjoong told him groggily.

“Mhm.” Seonghwa shut the laptop, pushing the room into darkness, save for their stars of course.

“Hey, I wanted to see the ending!”

He scoffed at him. “You didn’t even know what was going on.”

“Sure, I did. They just defeated Voldemort.”

“Hongjoong-ahhh,” he whined. “That’s Harry Potter.”

“I know, I just like teasing you.” Somehow, even with the dim lighting, Hongjoong managed to locate and pat Seonghwa’s knee before he stood up from the bunk and stretched out his limbs with a groan. He took the laptop from Seonghwa’s lap and mumbled: “Time to get a whole four hours of sleep.”

“It was your idea for the movie, you know. Plus, you’ve already gotten two hours just now,” he said.

Hongjoong grumbled under his breath and shuffled away, probably to put his Macbook back on his desk.

Seonghwa heard a sharp thud! and then a curse and an “ow!” from Hongjoong.

“Hey, be careful!” Seonghwa took out his phone flashlight and shined it over at Hongjoong who was cradling his foot as he stood next to the desk chair. The brightness of the light washed him out to the point where it just looked like a white figure in some really baggy sweats.

“I think we need more stars in here,” Hongjoong grimaced, probably partly from the pain and partly from the bright light.

“Oh, is that what you want for your birthday?” Seonghwa asked. They had been so busy that he hadn’t even begun to think about what present he was getting Hongjoong.

Hongjoong limped in the direction of their bathroom and Seonghwa followed him with his flashlight. “No, I don’t really know what I want, to be honest. I have everything I need. And you better not get me anything expensive!”

“Yeah, you never have to worry about that with me, I’m not rich like you.”

“That’s okay, I’ll be your hyung and buy you everything you want,” Hongjoong bid before opening their bathroom door and closing it behind him.

Seonghwa laid in bed for a while after that, in total disregard of the complete lack of sleep he was going to have the following morning, and pondered on why he liked the idea of that so much. Not the idea of Hongjoong being his hyung, but also not the idea of Hongjoong buying him a lot of gifts. So what did he like so much about that idea?

He finally figured it was because he liked the idea of Hongjoong being his something. Even if that was his roommate, or friend, or hyung.

*

Seonghwa had a much harder time thinking of a present of Hongjoong than he normally did. He felt like everything Hongjoong needed or could possibly want, he already had. But he knew he had to get him something good, especially with everything that happened in Thailand. Hongjoong deserved something amazing.

Which was why he was at a department store just a few days before Hongjoong’s birthday with the other slackers, San and Wooyoung, in a last-ditch effort to get gifts.

“How about this?” San lifted up a red beret and sat it on his head. It was crooked and Wooyoung giggled at him.

“God, please no, trust me, he has enough hats.” Seonghwa swiped it off of San’s head and threw it back onto the shelf.

San sighed and drooped his shoulders. “I guess I better get back to the drawing board…Literally.”

“Yes, we still have nightmares about your drawings of Hongjoong-hyung too,” Wooyoung said and adjusted his face mask.

The group slowly walked their way through the men’s accessories section.

“Maybe we should all pitch our money together and get him something nice…ish. Like this wallet,” San held up a brown leather wallet.

Wooyoung squinted his eyes at it. “Bro, I think that’s Armani.”

“Gah!” San dropped the wallet back onto the table like it burned his hand. “I cannot even afford to touch that. Hyung, let us go to another store. We are poor,” he whined to Seonghwa.

“No, will you two focus?” Seonghwa said. “We only have so much time in here before we have to head back to the company. I’m sure they have a section in here for broke people.”

As they walked through the shoe section, however, Seonghwa really started to doubt that.

“Guys! I think I found my gift!” Wooyoung suddenly called from another aisle.

Seonghwa and San found him holding up a pair of white socks.

“Socks?” San asked.

“That’s your present for Hongjoong? The guy who always does so much for you?” Seonghwa raised his eyebrows.

“Who said it was for Hongjoong-hyung? Hyung, this is your Christmas present,” Wooyoung waved the socks at him.

Seonghwa threw his hands up in the air. “Ugh, you two are hopeless. I’m going off on my own.”

As he stalked away from them, San was left behind, saying: “But I didn’t even do anything!”

Seonghwa was walking fast with a purpose, even though he didn’t have one. He had no clue what he was going to get Hongjoong. Which was probably why he was being snippier than usual to San and Wooyoung. They deserved it though, but still. He’d probably apologize for it later.

As he was walking out of the shoe section, he noticed a small display of iPhone charging cables. Suddenly, he remembered Hongjoong losing his charging cable the previous night and having to use one of Seonghwa’s. Well, it was better than nothing.

Seonghwa grabbed a blue cable off of the display and kept walking. He couldn’t give Hongjoong _just_ the charging cord. It was such a small, cheap, impersonal gift. Totally acceptable if it was coming from San and Wooyoung since they were the poor, younger brothers of the group. But it was unacceptable coming from Hongjoong’s roommate/best friend.

He was fully prepared to speed right past the jewelry section and not get sucked into feeling bad that he couldn’t afford anything, when he figured that jewelry was pretty, Hongjoong was pretty…maybe it would give him some sort of inspiration.

Yep, as he looked at all the sparkly diamonds, jewels, silver, and gold through the glass of the box displays they were in, he definitely did feel bad that he couldn’t afford anything. He had reached the end of the glass boxes and was looking at a stone on a necklace that was a bright blue color that Seonghwa knew that Hongjoong would love, when he did a quick side glance and saw that even though it was the end of the glass boxes, the jewelry section continued beyond with rotating wire racks full of more jewelry.

Immediately, he noticed that this jewelry was cheaper. By a good fifty thousand won at least on most of them. The rings, necklaces, and earrings were all in plastic bags, probably because the store wasn’t worried about cheap, fake jewels getting stolen.

He rotated one rack of earrings to find a pair of small, silver studs with a pink flower on them. He could easily envision Hongjoong enjoying putting them on his second hole on his earlobes. While Hongjoong liked the comeback era they were in, Seonghwa knew that Hongjoong also missed the fun and cuteness of the _One to All_ era. 

They had agreed on no expensive gifts and it wasn’t too expensive at 30,000 won. Did Hongjoong deserve more than 30,000 won fake earrings? Yes. But, Seonghwa knew he’d like them regardless. Hongjoong was a good person like that.

Plus, Seonghwa had the chord too.

They’d be birthday gifts Hongjoong would probably forget about immediately.

Maybe he’d have better luck on Hongjoong’s Christmas present.

Seonghwa met back up with San and Wooyoung in the front of the store after he’d paid, and they came up to him parading a colorful box. “We teamed up!”

“Oh god, what is that?” Seonghwa looked at the side of the box.

“It is arts and crafts stuff. Like markers and stickers and thread and beads and crap,” Wooyoung said.

Seonghwa glared at Wooyoung for his wordage.

“For when he is reforming his clothes,” San explained.

“You’re really just trying to make our dorm room messier, aren’t you?” Seonghwa said.

“It is an early birthday present for myself,” Wooyoung hummed.

Wooyoung must have noticed the look in Seonghwa’s eyes change because he was shoving the entire weight of the box on San and running out of the store in a flash, Seonghwa hot on his tail.

*

Like a lot of their birthdays, Hongjoong’s came with a schedule attached. This time in Busan. Though, it was an easy day with just a fan signing scheduled, and it was impossible for Hongjoong to complain about that because it was Atiny.

Before their morning flight, the group gave Hongjoong his gifts. Well, Seonghwa gave him _one_ of his gifts.

“A charging cable!” Hongjoong said after he unwrapped Seonghwa’s gift.

“Since you keep losing all of yours and using mine.” He poked Hongjoong’s shoulder.

He gave a nervous chuckle. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

“I have a surprise for you later tonight.”

“A surprise?” Hongjoong narrowed his eyes. “I thought we had an agreement.”

“Honestly Joong-ah, I don’t think I could break the bank for you even if I wanted to,” he chuckled.

The corners of Hongjoong’s mouth dipped a bit before his attention was called over to unwrapping the box San and Wooyoung shoved in front of him.

They did a Vlive for Hongjoong’s birthday before they went out for their fan-signing event, and by the time they got off the plane back in Seoul it was after midnight.

“You know, whatever the surprise you have for me doesn’t count right?” Hongjoong whispered to Seonghwa in the dark car on the way back to the dorm. “It’s not my birthday anymore.”

“It’s still your birthday in other places, so it still counts,” Seonghwa whispered back.

“But we’re not in other places.”

Seonghwa shushed him, probably a bit too loud since Jongho was asleep in the front and Yeosang was being quiet on the other side of Hongjoong.

“It’s my birthday, let me tease you,” Hongjoong whispered.

“You aren’t allowed,” he smirked. “Like you said, it isn’t your birthday anymore.”

Hongjoong let out a quiet, breathy laugh and laid his head on Seonghwa’s shoulder.

Once they were back at the dorm, everyone said their final celebrations to Hongjoong before slogging off to bed. With Seonghwa’s surprise however, it required Hongjoong’s absence from their dorm room.

“Just go sit in the main room for like five minutes, I’ll text you when I’m done,” Seonghwa explained to him as he was trying to usher him out of the room.

“‘Hwaaa! Can’t this wait until morning?” he groaned. “What the hell kinda surprise do you have for me?”

“It’s just a surprise! Now gooo, byeee,” Seonghwa bid, finally able to shut the door with Hongjoong just on the other side of it. He hurried and locked it for good measure.

He could hear Hongjoong cursing through the door, followed by fading footsteps. Chuckling inwardly, Seonghwa climbed up the bunk’s ladder and scooped up Hongjoong’s pillows and plushies.

After a couple of trips up and down the ladder, he texted Hongjoong that he was finally ready. In response, Hongjoong texted him an eye-rolling emoji.

When Hongjoong first opened the door, he looked around the room, obviously confused, but then his eyes finally reached Seonghwa - lounging on the top bunk with a smile on his face.

“Surprise!” Seonghwa beamed at him.

Hongjoong laughed and shook his head. “What are you doing up there?”

He slung his body over the bunk’s railing and pointed to the bottom bunk. “Look!”

Hongjoong shut the door behind him before he walked over to the bottom bunk.

“Notice anything different?” Seonghwa asked.

“Yeah…why is my stuff down here?” Hongjoong looked up at Seonghwa, and from where Seonghwa was positioned on the top bunk, their faces were only a few inches apart.

“Hmm, I wonder,” he answered playfully, stroking his chin. “I also wonder what could possibly be under your pillow?”

Hongjoong lifted one of the smaller pillows that was off on the side of the mattress, only to find nothing under there.

Seonghwa groaned. “No, the other one.” He pointed at the big pillow: the pillow that was obviously the “main one”.

“Damn, I didn’t know I was going to have to go on a treasure hunt to find my own surprise,” Hongjoong chuckled and glanced back at Seonghwa.

“You’re so helpless sometimes, I swear,” he grumbled under his breath before climbing down the bunk and lifting up the pillow for Hongjoong.

“Oh, look how pretty!” Hongjoong cooed, picking up the pair of pink flower stud earrings.

His frustration over the pillow was forgotten as soon as Hongjoong picked up the earrings. He cradled them gently in his hands and admired them with a tiny face of awe, before looking back up at Seonghwa.

“In case you’re worried, I didn’t break the bank for them,” Seonghwa said and tossed the pillow back on the bed. “You deserve something better though than cheap, fake earrings.”

He gave him an eye smile. “First of all, you’re not supposed to tell someone that the jewelry is cheap and fake. And second of all, these are great. I love them. Thank you very much.”

Seonghwa knew that Hongjoong was probably just being polite, because the earrings weren’t _that_ great, but it still made him feel good about himself, nevertheless. Especially since he couldn’t do anything more for his birthday on his budget and brainpower. “I figured they’d look nice in your second hole,” he gestured at Hongjoong’s right earlobe.

“Hmmm, well let’s go see.” Hongjoong walked over to their floor-length mirror and switched out the earrings quickly. He placed the extra pink flower on the cabinet next to him before going back over to Seonghwa and turning his face to show off the earring. “What do you think? How do I look?”

Well, Seonghwa had a lot of thoughts about it, he found. For starters, they’d changed out of their fan sign outfits before they boarded the plane back, so Hongjoong was wearing jeans and a loose long-sleeved white shirt that was a bit low around the neck, so his smooth collar bones were on display. His hair wasn’t that dark blue that it had sometimes been during their promotions, it was back to the light brown that made his face look soft and warm. He’d moved the silver stud that was in his second hole down to the first one, so he could put the pink flower where it had been. And it fit him so well. Seonghwa could see him wearing more things like that in the future, maybe even a dangly flower charm from his upper cartilage piercing, who knows. Maybe even a dangly butterfly charm. Maybe that could be his next birthday present.

The earring didn’t look cheap or fake, it actually looked pretty. But it helped that it was on Hongjoong’s face, which looked beautiful.

The thought translated itself to speech without Seonghwa’s approval.

“You look beautiful,” Seonghwa said.

He curdled inwardly at what he had just fucking said out loud (he couldn’t have said anything else?), but Hongjoong didn’t seem fazed. He just blushed, swatted his hand at Seonghwa, said “Oh please,” and then reached out and grabbed onto Seonghwa’s earlobe. “You should get your ears pierced. We could match!”

Hongjoong’s thumb massaged the back of Seonghwa’s earlobe and he suddenly got chills down his body. His shoulder twitched and it aided him in maneuvering his way out of Hongjoong’s reach. He attempted to play it off as he was too offended at the thought of getting his ears pierced, instead of whatever had just happened instead. “Uh, no. My body is going to stay intact, thank you very much. It’s already falling apart enough as it is.”

Hongjoong quirked his mouth, rubbed his fingers together, and ultimately let his arm fall. “Well, maybe we can find you some matching clip-ons.”

He would not be able to pull off the flower earrings like Hongjoong did. He’d look like an overgrown man-child in them. “When will you learn that I don’t look good in everything like you do?” he teased.

“When will you learn that who gives a fuck, and you just need to wear whatever makes you feel good?” Hongjoong said.

Seonghwa was still ever-so jealous of Hongjoong’s self-esteem and confidence. Qualities he’d probably never have himself.

“For Christmas, I’m gonna get you pretty flower jewelry that I’m gonna make you wear,” Hongjoong grinned.

He’d throw caution to the wind and wear literally anything Hongjoong got him, because it was Hongjoong. “Do it.”

Hongjoong raised his eyebrows. “Don’t think I won’t. But speaking of presents,” he turned to look at the bunks. “You switched our pillows. Was that the surprise? Are we sharing pillows now?”

“Stop it! You’re not funny,” he swatted Hongjoong’s arm. “I thought I’d be nice and let you sleep on the bottom bunk for your birthday.”

“And as I’ve told you before, the top bunk really isn’t that bad. You don’t need to be climbing up and down the ladder,” Hongjoong said firmly and crossed his arms.

“Well, it’s a good thing it’s only for one night,” he quipped before rushing over to the ladder before Hongjoong could say anything else.

Just as he was a few rungs up he felt Hongjoong tugging on his belt loop with a chuckle. “Slow down there, you’ll just have to come back down to change for bed.”

He was right, and after they’d gotten ready for bed it was way past late and Seonghwa was beginning to drift off as he looked up at all the stars on the ceiling that he was missing from the bottom bunk, including his own constellation.

“Happy birthday, Hongjoong-ah,” Seonghwa said softly.

“It’s not my birthday anymore,” Hongjoong whispered back.

“That’s it, I’m not getting you anything for your next birthday.”

Seonghwa heard a low snort from the bottom bunk but then things went silent for a few moments as he continued looking up at the stars, his eyelids growing heavier and heavier.

“But Hongjoong-ah, we’re switching bunks back tomorrow,” he whispered.

Hongjoong hummed a groggy okay. “I knew you wouldn’t like climbing that ladder anymore. Goodnight, ‘Hwa.”

“Goodnight, Joong-ah.”

He didn’t really mind the ladder. He’d been climbing it for two years before they switched bunks. He’d gotten used to it.

But while lying there, his eye kept getting drawn back to the black space among the stars. The space where Hongjoong’s constellation used to be.

He didn’t think he could get used to seeing that.

*

They were taking a much-needed break during one of their MAMA performance practices. Yunho had gone down to the 7-Eleven with one of the managers, Mingi was lain on the floor resting his back, Jongho was still going over some of his verses, Hongjoong was talking with some of the staff off to the side, and Seonghwa, Yeosang, San and Wooyoung were left sitting up against the mirrors guzzling water and scrolling on their phones.

“Literally does Jongho ever take a break?” Seonghwa asked, looking up from his phone long enough to glare at Jongho as he sang the chorus of “Goodbye Baby” for the fifteenth time.

Yeosang snorted under his breath. “Unfortunately, I think it is impossible for him to lose his voice.”

“Lucky for us,” he replied sarcastically. Some sweat from his bangs dripped into his eyes and he hurried to blink it away before it started to burn.

“Yeosang-ah, look,” Wooyoung nudged Yeosang’s arm and passed his phone to him.

Yeosang looked at Wooyoung’s phone for a few seconds before nodding: “Yeah, she’s hot.”

Seonghwa leaned over to take a look. It was a video from Irene’s Instagram: she had on a cat filter and was singing to herself while she was sitting in hair and makeup. He didn’t know if he’d describe it as hot, since it was really just cute, but yeah, Irene was gorgeous. “Awh, she looks pretty,” he said.

“I personally like IU,” San said as Yeosang passed Wooyoung’s phone back. 

Wooyoung groaned. “Ugh, we know, you talk about her all the time.” For some reason, Seonghwa thought that Wooyoung sounded genuinely frustrated - that it was somehow more than just teasing San.

San didn’t reply and instead turned his attention back to his phone.

A weird tension settled amongst them and Yeosang gave Seonghwa a few looks out of the corner of his eye. He took it to mean that he needed to do something to break the tension, to break whatever had just happened between San and Wooyoung. “I’m sure you are all aware of my love for Taeyeon,” he said. He’d had a crush on her probably since he was eleven or twelve years old.

“Yes we all are, but is she not like…” Yeosang chuckled, “old now, Hyung?”

Seonghwa scoffed. “She’s not _old_ , she’s only thirty-one.”

“Oh yeah, she is only nine years older than you,” Yeosang rolled his eyes.

Wooyoung pointed at Seonghwa. “Taeyeon is a queen and is too good for you.”

“You’re parading around Irene’s Instagram! She’s almost just as old as Taeyeon!” he fired back at Wooyoung.

He held his hands up in the air in innocence. “Hey, Yeosang was the one who had the problem with the age, not me! I like them older.”

“Who said I had a problem with age? Hwasa can hit me up any day of the week,” Yeosang quipped with a devious smile.

“Wait, how old is she? She’s younger, right?” Wooyoung asked the group.

“She’s a ’95’er I think,” San piped up.

“It’s only four years,” Yeosang said.

“You couldn’t handle her. She’d crush you. Like a bug.” For emphasis, Wooyoung tugged on Yeosang’s bicep. (Which did look particularly noodle-y in his short sleeve shirt.)

Seonghwa let out a laugh and scanned the rest of the room as Yeosang forcefully tugged his arm away from Wooyoung and gave him a light punch in the side. Hongjoong had migrated over from the staff to now crouching down beside Mingi and speaking softly to him. He couldn’t help but smile softly at the sight of Hongjoong caring after Mingi. “Honestly, I think the only person here who has an age-appropriate crush is Hongjoong with Camila Cabello,” Seonghwa mused.

San snorted, Wooyoung snickered, and Yeosang said: “Yeah, I think that is more of just a running joke.”

“What are you talking about? I feel like he talks about her all the time,” Seonghwa said.

“Yeah, when?” Wooyoung asked. “He just really liked that stupid ‘Señorita’ song. I haven’t heard him talk about her since.”

That couldn’t be right. Seonghwa had definitely heard Hongjoong talk about Camila Cabello a lot, right? In a few interviews they had done, sure. But outside of work. Right? “Ugh, I’m sure he has,” he shook his head.

“Fine, I’ll prove it to you right now,” Wooyoung said. “Hyung!” he called over to Hongjoong.

Hongjoong looked back at them from where he was crouched down. “What?”

San elbowed Wooyoung in the side and muttered something low, but Wooyoung shooed him off. “Come hereee,” he whined to Hongjoong, making Yeosang visibly cringe.

Hongjoong gave a big sigh and pushed himself off the floor.

“Seonghwa-hyung thinks you are still in love with Camila Cabello,” Wooyoung said to Hongjoong as he walked over to them.

Hongjoong raised his eyebrows at Wooyoung and then looked down at Seonghwa.

“Yeah, they’re telling me that apparently Camila Cabello is old news now,” Seonghwa explained and shot a quick, pointed glare at Wooyoung.

Hongjoong leaned up against the mirror with his arms crossed next to Seonghwa and Seonghwa had to crane his neck up to continue looking at him. He was wearing a gray long-sleeved shirt, and because of all the dancing they had been doing, the sleeves were pushed up and sweat stains littered his chest and underarms. He looked really good, like always. Especially as he looked back down at Seonghwa with a tinge of amusement in his eyes. “Yeah, I think she’s pretty. Why?”

Seonghwa had to peel his eyes away from Hongjoong to look over at Wooyoung. “See?”

“He said she is just pretty, Hyung,” Wooyoung said to him. “Not the same as hot. Because he does not think she is hot, he just thought the music video was hot. Right, Hongjoong-hyung?”

Once again, San grumbled lowly to Wooyoung and Wooyoung blatantly ignored him.

Hongjoong giggled. “Yes, the music video is very hot. But, yeah, it doesn’t matter. I don’t really think about it that much.”

“He does not think about it because he does not think she is hot, end of story,” Wooyoung explained to Seonghwa.

Yeosang nodded like he was in agreement, and Hongjoong only chuckled, which meant he was in agreement too. Why was Seonghwa so out of the loop? When had he and Hongjoong last talked about girls?

Quite honestly, probably before they debuted. He remembered that he had told Hongjoong about his few hometown girlfriends, and the one that he had gone to third base with, and Hongjoong had said that he didn’t have any school girlfriends but it was because he was so busy with recording CD’s and trying to get into a company. (Knowing Hongjoong, it wasn’t too surprising.)

As Hongjoong’s best friend and roommate, he needed to know stuff like this. And not have to have it explained to him by Wooyoung and Yeosang. “Well, fill me in. Who catches your eye now?” Seonghwa asked Hongjoong.

“Yeah, Hyung. Tell us,” Wooyoung said to Hongjoong.

Hongjoong glanced over to Wooyoung.

“Woo,” San said sharply.

Hongjoong looked back at Seonghwa and gave him a smirk. “Ah, Seonghwa-sshi, you were always more of a ladies’ man than me.” 

Seonghwa’s stomach sunk. For some reason, he really didn’t want Hongjoong thinking he was a “ladies’ man”. Because he wasn’t. Girls just liked his dancing and the fact that he was tall and not ugly. And it was a small town. And there was never anything better to do.

“Yeah, Hyung was a player back in school,” Yeosang teased.

Seonghwa gasped and slapped him on the arm. “I was not! I went to an all-boys school.”

“Yeah, and made frequent trips over to the all-girls school,” San joked, earning a laugh from everyone. Including Hongjoong.

“I did not!” Seonghwa exclaimed, which just made them all laugh harder.

“You guys are too funny,” Hongjoong chuckled and walked away shaking his head.

Seonghwa crossed his arms and looked over at the three boys. “Well, I don’t think you guys are funny.”

“Calm down, you know we are all just jealous that you actually got to touch girls,” Yeosang said, his laughter slowly dying down.

Seonghwa watched as Hongjoong went over to the small fridge in the corner of the room and muttered: “Yeah well, it wasn’t that great.”

“Says someone who has actually touched girls,” Yeosang pointed out.

He couldn’t have Hongjoong thinking he was a ladies’ man or some type of fuckboy or something. Because he wasn’t.

He scrambled up off the ground and followed Hongjoong, leaving Wooyoung behind him saying: “He didn’t deserve those girls, I swear.” And San responding with: “You never know when to shut up do you?”

“Hey.” Seonghwa walked up to Hongjoong as he was shutting the fridge door with a bottle of water in hand.

“Oh, hey.” Hongjoong eyes widened at the sight of Seonghwa right there behind him. “Do you want something?” He stuck his thumb back towards the fridge.

“Oh, uh sure.”

Hongjoong dug back in the fridge and passed him a water.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Hongjoong nodded at him before taking a drink of his water.

Seonghwa watched as Hongjoong’s adam’s apple bobbed up and down as the water slid down his throat. He found himself mindlessly fiddling with the wet, sticky label on his bottle. He cleared his throat: “I’m not a fuckboy or anything, you know.”

Honjoong’s eyes flashed open and he choked a bit on his water. “I didn’t think you were one?” he posed it as a question, obviously wondering where the topic was coming from.

“I know,” he looked down at the crinkled label. His thumb continued its work at destroying it. “I just…I don’t want you to think I’m that sort of person.”

“What sort of person? The person that has girlfriends? A normal person?” Hongjoong obviously didn’t understand. And neither did Seonghwa.

All Seonghwa knew was that Hongjoong was very different. Hongjoong was not the average guy. That average bro guy who played video games, liked sports, and fucked girls. Hongjoong wasn’t like that at all. Sure, he played video games with the group, and liked playing soccer, and was a straight man. But he was so much more than that. He was sensitive and creative and artsy and profound.

“I don’t know…” Seonghwa’s voice trailed off. “Like the sort of person who bros out all the time and drinks a lot of beer and watches a lot of sports.”

Hongjoong gave him a funny look for a split second before busting out into a riot of laughter. He tilted his head back and laughed up at the ceiling, all while placing a hand on Seonghwa’s shoulder to steady himself.

Hongjoong’s laughter made Seonghwa start to chuckle too out of reflex, and also because Hongjoong’s laughter was always one of the best things to hear. “What’s so funny?” he asked.

“What’s funny is…no offense,” Hongjoong’s eyes glittered at him. “But I’ve never thought you were that type of guy before. You hate sports.”

He giggled at himself and bowed his head. “You’re right, I do hate sports.”

Hongjoong gave his shoulder a squeeze before his hand fell away. “And look, about who I’m _eying these days_ or whatever…I only have time for the group and Atiny. Nothing else matters to me.” 

“But you’ll let me know first when it changes though, right?” he eyed Hongjoong carefully. “I don’t want Wooyoung and Yeosang knowing more about you than me again.”

Hongjoong gave him a small smile and his eyes flickered around his face before he said: “Yes, I promise I’ll let you know when it changes.”

*

He woke up to the sound of coughing. But not a dry cough. A thick, hollow, echoing cough. It was still dark through the cracks of their curtains, but there was light coming out of the bottom of the bathroom door.

Still a bit sleepy and dazed, Seonghwa stumbled out of the bottom bunk. The coughing continued, followed by a low groan and the opening and shutting of drawers. He rubbed his eyes and shuffled over to the bathroom door.

“Hongjoong-ah?” he knocked softly on the door.

“Ughhh, ‘Hwa?” Hongjoong slurred from the other side of the door. “Where’s the cough medicine?”

“It should be underneath the sink, behind the pain medicine and bandages. Right side. Beside the lotion.”

He heard the bottom cabinet open and Hongjoong rummage around. Slowly but surely, Seonghwa started becoming more alert and realized what exactly was going on. “Ah, are you sick? Are you alright?” he called.

Seonghwa heard a pill bottle rattle. “Yeah, um,” Hongjoong coughed, “I think I’ve got a cold or something. Go clean everything I’ve touched so you don’t get sick. And slide me a mask underneath the door.”

“That’s silly, we live together. Whatever you’ve got, I’ve probably already got too.” He tried to turn the doorknob but it was locked. “Let me in.”

“I’ve got the medicine now, I’m fine, go back to bed,” he said.

Seonghwa sighed and rested his head on the door. “Well…do you need to go to the doctor or anything?”

Some more coughing before he replied hoarsely: “No, I’m pretty sure it’s just a cold. I’m just gonna crash in here for the rest of the night.”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous. Open the door, Hongjoong-ah,” he jiggled the locked doorknob. Why was Hongjoong always so set on sleeping anywhere but his bed?

“I will if you give me a mask to put on,” Hongjoong’s voice sounded closer, like he was just inches from the other side of the door.

He made sure he sighed loud enough for Hongjoong to hear him even through the thick wood of the door. “Fine.” Seonghwa stalked over to their desk, fumbled around for a disposable mask, and crammed it underneath the bottom of the bathroom door.

“Thank you!” he croaked.

After a few moments, Seonghwa heard the door unlock and he was quickly blinded by the bright white light of the bathroom. “Gah,” he muttered. His eyes closed on their own as they tried to readjust.

When they finally opened again, he saw a bleary eyed Hongjoong, wearing the white face mask, hair sticking up in all directions, baggy t-shirt hanging off of his shoulder, face ashen, head lolling to the side. “It’s just a cold,” Hongjoong slurred.

Seonghwa attempted to rush to his side, only for Hongjoong to take a few steps back in return.

Hongjoong held his hands up. “Stop, I’m sick.”

“Let me see if you have a fever,” he said.

“I couldn’t find a thermometer in there.”

“Yeah, we don’t have one. Let me feel your forehead,” Seonghwa motioned for him to come closer.

He shook his head and put his own hand on his forehead for a moment. “No need, I don’t feel anything. I’m fine. Just a cold.”

Seonghwa opened his mouth to argue with him, but he paused, deciding that the best course of action was to avoid the argument altogether and ignore Hongjoong’s wishes. So instead, he darted towards him and caught Hongjoong’s head between his hands while Hongjoong was well…caught off guard. 

“Gah! Wha?” Hongjoong tried to twist his head beneath Seonghwa’s grip. Seonghwa’s hands moved so that his left hand was gripping Hongjoong’s head from the back while the other was plastered on his forehead. “Hey, get off,” he continued to squirm.

Seonghwa ignored him and focused on the hand that was on his forehead. Hongjoong definitely felt sweaty, a little warm, but nothing too alarming.

“‘Hwa, let me go,” Hongjoong whined.

Seonghwa finally relented and Hongjoong let out a growl and a muttered curse in response. “I think it’s just a low-grade fever,” he said, still ignoring the way Hongjoong was furrowing his eyebrows at him.

“Yeah, I told you. There wasn’t any need to wrestle a sick man,” he scoffed.

He shook his head and started rummaging through the cabinets. “Just because it’s low now doesn’t necessarily mean anything. It could still spike.” He looked at a couple of pill bottles until he found what he was looking for: a fever reducer. “Here, take this,” he thrust the bottle towards Hongjoong.

“I already took some cough medicine though.”

“Mhm, but that’s for the fever.”

“The one I don’t have?”

“Don’t argue and just take it.” Seonghwa passed Hongjoong his water bottle that was sitting on the counter.

He scowled but ultimately obeyed Seonghwa’s command and downed the medicine. “We have a – ” he gulped some water and sputtered a cough, “ – practice tomorrow morning.”

“I think it _is_ tomorrow morning, Joong-ah, which means you won’t be going to the practice unless your fever is miraculously gone.” He took the bottle of medicine from Hongjoong and put it back in the cabinet.

Hongjoong coughed again. “You’re not my mother,” he managed to squeak out. Slowly and sluggishly, he lowered himself so he was sitting on the closed toilet seat.

Seonghwa almost snorted a laugh from how sad and slumped over he looked sitting on the lid. “Do you want to get the others sick? Hm?”

“Well, according to you, they’ve probably already been exposed.”

“You’re right, they probably have,” he muttered. And he probably would have to care after them too, like he was doing with Hongjoong. Though, he really didn’t mind. He liked doing the sort of thing.

Especially if it was Hongjoong.

He rummaged around again in the cabinets and took out a washcloth and a headband. Putting the washcloth aside, he brought the headband over to Hongjoong. “Here, put this on.”

Hongjoong just stared at it. “Why?”

“Will you let me take care of you? Put it on,” he shook the headband.

He snatched it from him with an eyeroll. “You know, I’m a grown man.”

Seonghwa couldn’t tell if he was smiling or not because of the face mask, but his eyes scrunched up like he _was_ smiling, but maybe Seonghwa just wanted him to be smiling. Maybe he just wanted Hongjoong to like being cared for. Maybe he just wanted Hongjoong to like being cared for by _him_.

“Let me go get your bed ready. You’re not going back up on the top bunk,” Seonghwa said before promptly leaving the bathroom, not waiting for any sort of response from Hongjoong. Even though he did hear an exasperated sigh from him.

The top bunk wasn’t a good place to be if you were sick – the ladder climb always became brutal. 

Seonghwa moved Hongjoong’s pillows down to the bottom bunk and he moved his own pillows down to the floor beside the bunk, next to a fluffy blanket. That was where he’d be sleeping. Sure, he’d already been exposed to Hongjoong’s germs, but sleeping in his germ-y bed probably wasn’t a good idea.

Plus, if he was near Hongjoong he could more easily be at his beck and call.

That was probably the real reason he didn’t want to sleep in the top bunk. He couldn’t give a shit about Hongjoong’s germs.

“Okay, come to bed,” Seonghwa summoned him once he was back in the bathroom.

The cough medicine must have been doing its job at making Hongjoong drowsy, because his head had collapsed onto the corner of the bathroom counter.

Seonghwa guided Hongjoong out of the bathroom with his hands on his shoulders and put him into the bottom bunk without much of a fight. Of course though, with a few scattered coughs.

Going back into the bathroom for the washcloth, Seonghwa doused it in cold water and wrung the excess water out of it. He emerged with the washcloth and Hongjoong’s forgotten water bottle. He nestled Hongjoong’s water bottle in the corner of the bunk so he could reach it easily if needed.

And here came the purpose of the headband. With Hongjoong’s bangs out of the way, he knelt beside him and placed the folded, cold washcloth on his forehead. Even though it probably wasn’t necessary, he brushed through a couple strands of Hongjoong’s hair, just making double sure they weren’t hanging down in his forehead.

Hongjoong hissed once the washcloth was on his forehead. “Ah, that’s cold.”

“Shh, that’s the point,” he said. “But let’s get this mask off of you so you can breathe.”

Seonghwa’s hand moved down to Hongjoong’s lower face but before he could tug off the mask, Hongjoong’s hand shot up to grip his wrist and halt his actions. “No, I don’t want you to get sick,” he rasped.

“I don’t give a shit,” he cursed before yanking his hand away and Hongjoong’s mask off. He hung the mask on the bunk railing.

“Ugh, where did you learn to be so stubborn?”

“You,” Seonghwa grinned and stood up from the floor. “If your fever is bad when you wake up I’m gonna make sure you see the doctor, okay?”

“Okay.” His voice sounded smaller and more distant. Hopefully he’d quickly drift off to sleep.

Seonghwa moved over to his new bed on the floor but paused, suddenly remembering something. He grabbed a tissue box and a trash can and put them both next to Hongjoong. “If you need anything else wake me up, I’ll be right here next to you,” he whispered.

“Mmph, don’t sleep on the floor, come sleep in your bed,” Hongjoong slurred but didn’t budge.

“Shhh, goodnight, Hongjoong-ah.”

The floor definitely wasn’t comfortable, even with the fluffy blanket beneath him and his own pillows. But even if it was, he wasn’t able to sleep. With Hongjoong’s sinuses acting up, his labored breathing echoed through the room. And his final comment to Seonghwa, _Come sleep in your bed_ , echoed through his mind. Had he meant Seonghwa sleep in his own bunk and Hongjoong go back up to his? Or had he meant: come sleep beside him?

He’d slept next to Hongjoong so many times now that he could imagine what it would be like sleeping next to him tonight. Hongjoong would probably toss and turn, cough next to Seonghwa’s face a few times, maybe even wake up a few times to blow his nose.

But Seonghwa wouldn’t care because it was Hongjoong.

With him being sick, he’d probably be really warm. With him being so out of it, he’d probably cuddle up to Seonghwa. Even with all the cold sweats, he’d probably still smell just as good as always.

Without even noticing it, Seonghwa’s body naturally turned itself towards Hongjoong, so that if the room wasn’t dark, he’d be able to see him as he slept. He could imagine what he probably looked like. He’d been rooming with him for over two years now. He’d probably be sleeping on his back, like always, hands up next to his face, his mouth hanging open, the washcloth on his forehead, hair sticking up from the headband, long eyelashes fluttering as he slept.

Since he really wasn’t able to sleep much other than briefly dozing off a few times, he was able to change his washcloth out once during the night and double check that Hongjoong’s fever wasn’t worsening. Which thankfully, it wasn’t.

His morning alarm jolted him awake from a light doze and he gritted his teeth as he rose once again from his makeshift bed on the floor. It probably wasn’t good for him to sleep on the floor with all the problems he had with his hip joints, but that worry was quickly transferred over to worrying about Hongjoong once his gaze made it over to him still fast asleep in the bunk. He sleeping just how Seonghwa had imagined it, except the washcloth had slipped off his forehead. He picked the washcloth up, noting that it was warm anyways, and re-checked Hongjoong’s forehead. Damp but no fever.

He continued to let Hongjoong sleep and called Hongjoong’s manager from inside their bathroom and he started getting ready for the day. His manager agreed that he shouldn’t attend practice and he said that he’d be by later to take him to the doctor. They ended the call chuckling about how Hongjoong would probably protest profusely about all of that. Which he did, once he fully woke up as the rest of the group was getting ready to depart for the company.

But at least Hongjoong was right, it was just a cold, easily remedied by cold medicine and fluids. And Seonghwa was right too, the other boys had been exposed to Hongjoong’s germs already, with Wooyoung and San both ending up with colds too. All mild enough that they could continue with their schedules with enough medicine in their system. Somehow, Seonghwa was lucky enough to dodge getting a cold too.

A few days later, once Hongjoong was just left with a mild, dry cough and he was back to sleeping in the top bunk again, he said one night as they were getting ready bed: “I never thanked you for taking care of me that night.”

Seonghwa shook his head, “Don’t mention it. I know you would’ve done the same for me.”

He smiled softly, but his gaze was heavy. “Sometimes I really don’t deserve you.”

“Pft,” he scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous. You deserve the world.”

Hongjoong didn’t reply, instead just nodding and giving him a light pat on the back. Seonghwa knew that he didn’t believe him, but it was true. Hongjoong deserved much more than Seonghwa, much more than even the world.

And he wished he could give it to him.

*

He blacked out on their first MAMA stage. In a state of such nervousness, their performance went by like the blink of an eye to Seonghwa. He thought the same had happened to other members too, seeing as how everyone stumbled off the stage after they finished, all in a state of dazed shock.

They had no idea how the performance looked until after the ceremony ended, once they finally had enough time to crowd around one of the manager’s laptops to watch the playback.

Seonghwa fully expected to watch their playback and see how much their nervous energy took control over their performance. But they looked…like fucking badasses. The reaction shots from BTS, the way the crowd screamed once the chorus hit, Jongho’s flawless solo, the perfect camera angles…none of them could hardly believe how awesome they looked. They had never gotten so excited over watching a playback before. And sure, there were loads of things Seonghwa thought he could’ve done better. But for the first time since he was a trainee, he found himself not focusing on the flaws and instead only focusing on the perfections.

And their stage was near perfection.

With so much excitement running rampant, everyone had trouble sleeping once they got back to hotel. At first, they crowded all into Seonghwa and San’s room, but as the night grew later, some of the others started to disperse their own ways, leaving only Seonghwa, San, Hongjoong, and Wooyoung behind.

Seonghwa was sitting in the room’s rolling chair, while Hongjoong sat on the edge of one of the beds and San and Wooyoung were tangled together in the other bed.

They were in all sorts of bizarre undress - a mixture of sweats and their day outfits, different levels of makeup still on or off, hair in need of a good shower. Seonghwa probably needed to usher the younger boys towards getting ready for bed, but he was enjoying looking at Hongjoong too much.

Unlike some of the lazier others (like Wooyoung), Hongjoong’s makeup was mostly all wiped away, except some light remnants of his eyeliner that kept his eyes looking big and bright. His hairspray had eventually wilted, leaving his hair matted and messy, sticking up in fifteen different directions. And Seonghwa really liked the platinum blonde.

Like, he _really_ liked the platinum blonde.

Just like with everything else, Hongjoong pulled it off stunningly well. The color illuminated his face, giving him an aura of purity and elegance…words Seonghwa never thought he’d use to describe another man.

Guiltily, he looked away, glancing over at San and Wooyoung. It was normal for them to be all cuddly and touchy with each other, though, normally it was amplified on camera for fan service. And really, all of the members did fan service, even if some did it more than others. Aegyo, giving each other kisses, “sexy dances,” staring contests, it was all a part of being an idol. When they were on camera they were working. Playing their part as an entertainer.

But the behavior didn’t usually translate to off camera. Off camera they were friends, roommates, brothers. They irritated each other, joked around, hung out, did other normal boy things. Okay, some casual hugging happened too, of course. (And sure, some cuddling also happened…involving Seonghwa and Hongjoong. A lot. But that was different. It was situational. Not an everyday thing. Totally not weird at all. Completely different.) 

And yet…San’s back was against the bed’s headboard. Wooyoung sat in between San’s legs, his back against San’s front. Wooyoung’s head lolled back against San’s shoulder and San’s chin rested on Wooyoung’s shoulder. One of San’s legs was wrapped around Wooyoung’s, their fingers intertwined and dancing with one another –

“Oh, ‘Hwa, look,” Hongjoong held out his phone to him, breaking Seonghwa’s attention away from San and Wooyoung.

It was a tweet with a video of himself performing the opening move for “Wonderland” on loop, the caption reading: “I AM LITERALLY PREGNANT!” It had over a thousand likes. Lewd, funny, and definitely not one of the worst tweets he had read about himself. He gave a breathy laugh at the tweet and passed the phone back to Hongjoong. “If only she knew how many women I was supposedly impregnating,” Seonghwa joked. 

“Wait who are you impregnating?” San asked.

“Every single Twitter Atiny,” Hongjoong explained. “Seonghwa is very popular with the ladies, it seems.”

Seonghwa watched as Wooyoung pried his fingers out of San’s and used them to reach up and trace the bridge of San’s nose and the peak of his lips. San smirked and shooed away Wooyoung’s hand, inciting a giggle out of him.

“I am tired and everything, but I wish they had made us do a Vlive here, I want to see all of Atiny’s comments in real time,” San pouted.

Wooyoung gave another high-pitched giggle. “You just want to see all the thirst comments about you.”

San gave a small smile and buried his head in Wooyoung’s neck. 

Hongjoong snorted while still scrolling through Twitter. “That’s probably why they had us do one earlier backstage though, they knew it’d probably be a disaster if we tried to do one here. All of you reading the comments aloud, no matter what they said.”

Wooyoung’s hand had wandered up to San’s hair now, stroking through the bangs that fell over his eyes. Seonghwa’s eyes cut over to Hongjoong’s hair. How he had one piece of hair that stubbornly wouldn’t lay flat, instead giving him a lump at the crown of his head. And then back to Wooyoung, who was smiling stupidly at San, and San, who was smiling stupidly back. And then back at Hongjoong, who was looking stupidly at his phone. And Seonghwa, who wanted to fix Hongjoong’s stupid hair.

“But we aren’t on Vlive right now,” Seonghwa said suddenly. “So there’s no need for you two to be doing fan service, right?”

As he was saying it, he knew it sounded rude, and harsh, and mean, and unnecessary. So he followed it up with a dry laugh, as if he could possibly play it off as a light-hearted rib. Even though, he didn’t think he meant it as a light-hearted rib at all because Wooyoung was playing with San’s hair and Hongjoong’s hair was lumpy and Seonghwa couldn’t do anything about it.

And by the sound of the room after Seonghwa had said it, it didn’t come across as a light-hearted rib at all either. San and Wooyoung’s smiles quickly faded and Hongjoong’s head popped up from his phone.

Nobody said anything, until Wooyoung lightly shoved himself away from San. “You are right, Hyung, San smells sweaty anyways.”

“Ah, we probably all smell sweaty,” Hongjoong said to him.

San smelled his armpit and shrugged with a: “Yeah, I do.”

Seonghwa gave a half-hearted smile at the joke, but no one laughed and obviously he had ruined the mood based on everyone else’s sober faces.

Hongjoong sighed and said: “Well, we probably need to be getting to bed, you guys. It’s late.”

Wooyoung got up from the bed and gave San one last look before heading out of the room with a faint, “Goodnight, see you in the morning.”

Seonghwa watched in horror as Hongjoong stood up as well, yawning. The lumpy piece of hair was still there and he was leaving. All because Seonghwa said something very, very wrong. Did Hongjoong think he was mean now? Why couldn’t he have roomed with Hongjoong on this trip instead of San?

And he knew what he said was wrong, (he could see how uncomfortable San looked leaning up against the headboard without Wooyoung there) but why? Why was it wrong? Why hadn’t it been taken as a joke? Why was everything so weird? Why was _Seonghwa_ so weird?

Millions upon millions of overwhelming thoughts flooded through Seonghwa’s head as Hongjoong walked towards Seonghwa on his way out of the room.

Why was everything always so weird?

Why couldn’t he just fix Hongjoong’s stupid hair?

“Goodnight, Seonghwa-sshi,” Hongjoong patted his shoulder as he passed by.

Quickly, Seonghwa jumped up from the chair, lunged after Hongjoong, and patted down the stubborn piece of hair. Hongjoong halted in his step and Seonghwa leaned backwards, muttering: “Sorry, it was bothering me.”

Hongjoong turned back around, his own fingers going through roots of his hair, and gave him a small smile. “Oh, thanks.” 

“Goodnight, Joong-ah,” he awkwardly walked backwards, for some reason unable to find anything to do with his swaying hands, so he just shoved them in his back pockets.

“Goodnight,” Hongjooong waved and exited the hotel room.

Seonghwa turned and saw San sitting alone on his bed. His chin resting on his palm, his head buried in his phone. His chest twinged at the sight, knowing he ruined whatever joy had been going on between San and Wooyoung. “San-ah, I’m sorry.”

San looked up at him. He didn’t look mad. Mostly just sad.

Lonely.

Almost like how Seonghwa felt now that Hongjoong was gone. Empty. Unsure of what to do.

Like his thoughts were echoing in a cavernous hall with no one to echo back to him.

“Mm, Hyung, for what?” San asked.

“For being mean about you and Woo. It came out wrong, I didn’t mean it like that,” he said.

“It’s okay, it was kinda weird, wasn’t it? Especially since we’re all gross from performing and stuff.”

Seonghwa moved to sit on his own bed, and when he did it reminded him of how accustomed he had become to sharing hotel rooms with Hongjoong. And what sharing a hotel room meant for them. And their sleeping arrangements. And how he had no right to judge anything that San and Wooyoung did. Because he did worse. And thought worse things. He highly doubted San thought those type of weird thoughts about Wooyoung.

_Or had dreams about him._

Who was he to fucking judge?

“No, it’s not weird. I was just…” Seonghwa shook his head. He hadn’t really known what he was thinking. But he knew what he was thinking about now. And how it would probably float around in his head all night. Was he just tired, or delusional? Was he just tired, or a freak? How could he get these swirling thoughts out of his head? The ones that screamed _Hongjoong, Hongjoong, Hongjoong_. The ones that hoped Hongjoong would always be around. The ones that hoped they could have a normal friendship. What even was a normal friendship? Was it Yunho and Mingi, Yeosang and Wooyoung?

But upon seeing San and Wooyoung, maybe that was more of what Hongjoong and Seonghwa were like. Maybe San knew what Seonghwa was going through. Maybe he could help him stop feeling so guilty and weird and confused…

“Can I tell you something?”

“Sure,” San shrugged.

“And you keep it between us? It doesn’t leave this room?” Seonghwa eyed him carefully, even though he knew that San was one of the most trustworthy members.

Now intrigued, San tossed his phone to the side and turned his body more towards Seonghwa’s. “Yeah, yeah, of course Hyung, what is wrong?”

“Hongjoong and I…” he paused, not knowing whether or not he’d even be able to get the words out. He closed his eyes and gulped. “Cuddle sometimes. In bed. Together. And we sleep sometimes. In bed. Together.”

“Really?” he sounded surprised.

Seonghwa silently nodded.

“And…?”

He opened his eyes to find San staring back at him with a confused face. “And? That’s it,” Seonghwa said. Now he was the one confused.

“That’s it?” San parroted him.

“Wait, what else would we be doing?” he asked. Wasn’t that already bad enough?

San blinked at him. “Oh, ummm, I do not know.”

“Well, do you and Wooyoung do that sort of stuff?”

“Huh? Do we?” Seonghwa didn’t know why San was suddenly having trouble hearing him. “Well…we do not normally room together, you know? So.”

Seonghwa deflated. Of course they didn’t. Seonghwa was the only gross freak of the group. A gross freak that for some reason got freaked out when _other_ people cuddled. But seemed perfectly content on cuddling his own roommate and best friend.

“It is okay though…if you and Hongjoong do that sort of stuff,” San continued. “If that is what you and him do, then that is between you two.”

It was polite advice, but for some reason Seonghwa was finding something about it ingenuine. Which was weird coming from San, who was normally so helpful and open. “It’s not weird?” he asked.

“No, I do not think so.”

“Okay.”

They turned awkwardly away from each other and Seonghwa could still feel that there were things left unsaid flittering around the room.

And there were. So many things left to say. When it came to Hongjoong, there were so many things that could be said.

But said to anyone else? Never. He’d said too many words to San about Hongjoong already.

And San didn’t understand. No one understood. But that was because everyone else was normal. They were normal friends. They could sleep in a hotel without wishing the other person was there with them.

He and Hongjoong were nothing like San and Wooyoung.

But was that a good or bad thing?

*

No one bothered going home for Christmas and Seonghwa had mixed feelings about it. For one, he wouldn’t feel left out again with everyone else having family to go home to except him. But at the same time, he wouldn’t have that precious alone time with Hongjoong again. And with his lackluster birthday gift of just a pair of earrings and a one-night pass of the bottom bunk, Seonghwa knew that he had to step up his game.

Which was why he started looking for Hongjoong’s Christmas present the day after his birthday.

But he was super unimaginative. So all of his time was for naught. Just like a repeat of his birthday, Seonghwa had settled on jewelry once again for Hongjoong. This time _two_ pieces of jewelry, but still jewelry, nonetheless.

They had schedules all the way up until Christmas, so their managers and staff made sure to throw them all a nice, big meal at the company on Christmas Eve. Hongjoong got all of the managers restaurant vouchers and Seonghwa wondered if he truly had any flaws.

Since they were all going to be in the dorm on Christmas morning, Seonghwa had thought it was important to do a proper tree. He’d wanted a real tree, but the boys complained about the sapling and needles, so he made them all chip it for a fake one; Yunho was the one who assembled it while Seonghwa and San teamed up to decorate it.

It was underneath the tree where they shoved all of their gifts for everyone. Having spent so much effort on Hongjoong’s gift, he didn’t have much attention left for anyone else’s gift. So he got them all stereotypical things. Yunho a spiderman action figure, Yeosang some face cream, San a plushie, Mingi a philosophy book, Wooyoung some different face cream, and Jongho a Monsta X album.

San’s favorite holiday was Christmas, and Seonghwa really just wanted everything to be perfect, so they both woke up earlier than everyone else Christmas morning to set the _mood_. Seonghwa was on cooking duty and San was on “atmosphere” duty. Which apparently entailed putting up even more decorations, playing soothing Christmas piano music on a speaker, and complaining about how it hadn’t snowed.

Once Seonghwa’s cooking really got going, the other boys must’ve smelled the food from their rooms because they slowly began to trickle in.

“Ah, god bless you, Seonghwa-hyung,” Yunho stretched his long arms from the kitchen entryway. “I am starving.”

“When aren’t you hungry?” Hongjoong popped up behind him and…

Seonghwa had literally just seen him. Not just an hour ago he was right above him, fast asleep in his bunk. He’d tiptoed carefully around the room to avoid waking him up. But seeing him now, it felt like he had momentarily forgotten what he looked like. Like he was seeing him for the first time all over again.

Maybe it was the Christmas lights blinking behind him in the background, maybe it was his beaming smile, maybe it was his wispy blonde hair, maybe it was his dark green, Christmas patterned sweater, but Seonghwa was perfectly okay with burning their rice over looking at him.

“You should’ve woken me up, I would’ve helped.” Hongjoong drew nearer while Yunho left to go play around with San and whoever else had dragged themselves out of bed.

Seonghwa forced himself to look back at the pan of rice and stir it a bit. “Oh, it’s alright. You’re not much use in the kitchen anyways,” he smirked. 

“Sure, but I can stir.” Hongjoong was right next to him now. Leaning up against the counter, looking up at him with an open face, invading his personal space.

Not that he minded. His eyes flickered around Hongjoong’s face and he couldn’t resist. “You look nice today,” he said.

“And so do you,” Hongjoong pulled at Seonghwa’s sleeve. “We match.”

Hongjoong had made Seonghwa completely forget about what he was wearing until now. Though he usually abided by the monotone dress code, he thought Christmas was enough excuse to break that code and he donned a plain, dark green turtle-neck that he had yet to wear once.

They were matching by complete coincidence, which sure, was impressive. But Seonghwa was waiting for the day where they could once again match on purpose, like that one time Hongjoong painted his nails.

“Oh, and look,” Hongjoong said and turned to the side so he could point at his right earlobe. “It’s probably not very festive though.”

In his second hole, he was wearing the pink flower earring that Seonghwa had gotten him.

And no, it wasn’t very festive. But not that Seonghwa gave a shit. Hongjoong was about to have two more jewelry items that weren’t very festive either and Seonghwa hoped that we would wear them just as proudly.

Seonghwa was about to open his mouth to give Hongjoong yet another compliment when instead the sound of a loud crash followed by a “look what you did!” came out of the main room. They both looked over at the sound and then back at one another with their mouths agape.

“They better not have broken something!” Seonghwa said.

Hongjoong groaned. “I’ll go look.”

The story was that San didn’t like where the tree was because it ruined the room’s “aura” and so he, Yunho, Wooyoung, and Jongho argued about whether or not to move the tree and all of the presents underneath, when Jongho ended up backing into the tree, sending it careening over until Yunho managed to catch it before it fully crashed onto the ground. The only catch: Yunho hadn’t managed to catch the few dozen ornaments that fell off on the tree’s journey downward.

Hongjoong made them all clean up the broken glass and apologize to Seonghwa, who made sure to give them all one long nasty glare before they ate their breakfast and he told himself to let it go in the name of Christmas spirit.

What was planned as an organized presentation of all of their gifts turned into chaos under the Christmas tree, with the boys grabbing and opening their own gifts without a second glance at any of the others, though some spare “thank you’s” were thrown in here and there.

Seonghwa was, quite honestly, still searching for his gift from Hongjoong, when he heard Wooyoung shout “Hyung got you a couple ring!” and he knew exactly what was happening.

He dashed out from under the tree and scrambled over to the couch to see Hongjoong holding up his right hand up to the growing audience of Wooyoung, Jongho, Yunho, and Yeosang.

“I know we tease you a lot about being a married couple, but come on, Hyung, you did not need to break the bank for your husband,” Yeosang joked, looking over at Seonghwa.

“It’s – it’s not a couple ring,” Seonghwa stammered. And it wasn’t. He just thought it was pretty.

“Well then why does it only fit on his ring finger?” Wooyoung pointed to Hongjoong’s hand.

Seonghwa’s face grew hot. “I misjudged how small his hands were.” An honest accident. He didn’t think Hongjoong’s fingers were _that_ small. 

“Ignore them, Seonghwa-sshi. It’s amazing,” Hongjoong beamed, gazing down at the ring.

He’d spent forever researching rings online and eventually came across someone’s website that made custom rings by hand. Fake jewels and stuff, of course. But expensive enough to be deserving of Hongjoong. It was a small silver ring, with stars engraved on the outside of the band and a golden sun sitting in the center. Only, when you looked closer, you could see a silver crescent moon closing hugging the sun’s edge, and the if you looked even closer, the golden engravings of the inside of the sun looked almost like a flower. It was almost a good to be true – Seonghwa couldn’t believe his luck that he found it.

Bored with Hongjoong not being appalled by the idea of it being a couple ring, the others turned their attention back to mauling each other in the quest for more presents.

Because of Seonghwa’s previous embarrassment, he hadn’t noticed the necklace hanging around Hongjoong’s neck until now. _Hi_ s necklace hanging around Hongjoong’s neck. The one he got him with a silver chain and a yellow and green butterfly charm. 

“Oh,” Seonghwa said, pointing at the necklace.

Hongjoong looked down at his own chest and chuckled. “Yeah, I think you’ve gotten me a whole set of jewelry here.”

“Do you like it?”

“Of course I do. Thank you.” He held up the butterfly charm: “I think it’s obvious you know me very well.”

The compliment was music to Seonghwa’s ears after weeks and weeks of fretting over the perfect Christmas present.

“Have you found your gift yet?” Hongjoong asked him. “Mine isn’t nearly as fancy as yours.”

He shook his head. “No, I haven’t yet…But I’m sure I’ll love it! Hang on, let me go look.” He left Hongjoong and rushed back over to the tree.

Shoving past a few of his members, now that there were more presents claimed and unwrapped, it was easier to search for Hongjoong’s gift. After some scrambling, Seonghwa found the small gift bag with his name written on the hanging tag, signed from “Your Favorite Roommate.” He walked back over to Hongjoong while examining the silvery, glittery gift bag, but when he looked back up, he found Hongjoong preoccupied with Yunho and Mingi as the two younger boys thanked him for their gifts.

“Don’t mention it, you’re welcome,” Hongjoong waved at them with a small smile. Then: “Oh, ‘Hwa, you found it!” He was looking at Seonghwa now, in the space between the standing Yunho and Mingi.

Seonghwa held up the bag. “Oh! Um, yeah!”

“Did you get Seonghwa-hyung a matching couple ring?” Mingi smirked.

“Moveee,” Hongjoong whined and shoved at Mingi’s lanky legs, causing Mingi to stumble a few steps.

Seonghwa laughed and shoved Mingi further off to the side so he could sit on the couch next to Hongjoong.

Mingi let out an overdramatic, offended gasp. “I will not stand here and be mistreated like this!” He huffed and walked off, carrying the new stereo headphones Hongjoong got him.

“You’re welcome for the headphones!” Hongjoong called after him as Yunho followed Mingi off.

Hongjoong then turned to Seonghwa and said: “I think I blew all of my money on the younger boys’ gifts. I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, I don’t mind at all. I really didn’t need a present at all.” And he didn’t. Hongjoong had gotten Seonghwa more than enough in the past. The Louis Vuitton wallet and the cuff around his wrist were enough to last Seonghwa’s lifetime.

“Yeah yeah yeah, that’s what we all say. Now open it!” he urged him.

Seonghwa started to take out bag’s tissue paper. “This better not be a fakeout and you actually got me something super expensive.”

“Oh, like all the expensive jewelry you’ve been getting me?”

“Nooo, that jewelry wasn’t expensive, those are fake jewels.”

Hongjoong waved the ring on his finger in Seonghwa’s face. “Hey, I know a custom ring when I see one. Doesn’t even matter if the jewels are fake. You spent way too much money on me.”

“Shush! You’re ruining my present,” he teased him.

That managed to shut Hongjoong up long enough for Seonghwa to finally reveal two small flowerpots, two packets of seeds, a bag of soil, and a small spade that were underneath all of the tissue paper. But then Hongjoong started rambling again.

“You did so well on that one show we were on with gardening, I figured you’d like to do it some more…You know, if you want to, of course…I picked lavender and Christmas cactus seeds because I thought they were pretty and I read online that they were easy to tend to?...And I can help too with taking care of them. I’d hate to get you a gift that’s really another chore more than anything. You already do so much around the dorm as it is.”

Most of the time, Seonghwa hung on every word Hongjoong said. But he was so enraptured by the flowerpots that after a while his words started to fade.

Hongjoong had painted the originally plain white, ceramic pots. One was a mass of colorful flowers intertwining with butterflies flying amongst the spaces and a small sun and clouds up near the rim. The other was covered in bronzy, yellow stars of various sizes; written on one side in careful script was “Christmas 2019”.

While Seonghwa had bought Hongjoong’s presents, Hongjoong had taken the time to be creative and _make_ Seonghwa’s. Suddenly Seonghwa felt very bad about his necklace and ring.

“Wow, this is so nice,” he murmured as he ran his fingers along the painted stars.

“It doesn’t glow in the dark or anything,” Hongjoong joked, “but I hoped you’d like it.”

“I do!” he said, probably a bit too emphatically. “Thank you so much.” And he didn’t care about any “extra work” of taking care of the flowers either. It was Hongjoong’s gift to him so it would be a privilege to tend the flowers.

Hongjoong gave a small smile and patted Seonghwa on the back. “Merry Christmas, ‘Hwa.”

Their eyes met.

“Merry Christmas, Joong-ah.” 

*

They were busy over the next several days filming and practicing for their upcoming January comeback. Still though, Seonghwa made time to carefully plant both the lavender and Christmas cactus seeds – the lavender in the flower painted pot and the Christmas cactus in the star painted pot. Naturally, he had to google the care for the plants, and he set both of the pots on Hongjoong’s desk that was closer to the window.

Just like with Christmas, the group gathered together in the main room once again on New Year’s Eve, except this time, with New Year’s decorations and two bottles of champagne provided kindly by their managers (and with a list of threats and warnings to Hongjoong and Seonghwa about _responsibility_ ). Hongjoong held both the bottles close to his chest, positioned away from the salivating ’99 liners.

“We need to establish some ground rules here,” Hongjoong said.

Wooyoung whined and flailed his limbs from where he sat on the floor, his New Year’s party hat bobbing on his head. “Ahhh, why do you always have to ruin everything?”

“Hm, I think Wooyoung should get his share last, what do you think?” Seonghwa said to Hongjoong.

Wooyoung gasped. “Nooo!”

“You know, Seonghwa-sshi, I think that sounds like a great idea,” Hongjoong played along.

Always overdramatic, Wooyoung collapsed back on the floor with a loud sigh.

Ignoring Wooyoung, Yunho said: “I think we should decide whether or not we are going to drink it all tonight or if we are going to try to ration it.”

“Ration it? Are you stupid?” Mingi exclaimed, almost comically because he was wearing 2020 New Year’s glasses.

“Yah!” Hongjoong gave Mingi a stern look. “Yunho’s right. Let’s take a vote. Raise your hand if you’re in favor of rationing it.”

As expected, the older and wiser Seonghwa and Hongjoong were the only ones who raised their hands.

“Well, I guess we don’t have to bother voting again,” Hongjoong joked.

“I guess it’s okay to drink it all tonight, but I feel like we still need to ration it between us all,” Seonghwa spoke up.

Hongjoong emphatically nodded. “Yes, I agree.”

All of the younger boys groaned.

“Of course, our parents have to suck the fun out of it,” San collapsed back on the ground next to Wooyoung.

“I think the fairest way is if everyone gets one glass to start out with and then we can keep going from there until we run out,” Hongjoong said.

“I’ll get us glasses,” Yunho got up from the couch.

“You are going to have us drinking like old people! We are young, we are supposed to just chug it all in one go!” Mingi mimicked chugging a bottle, earning laughs from Yeosang and Jongho.

Hongjoong hugged the bottles of champagne closer. “And this is why I’m in charge.”

Yunho returned, juggling eight glasses, and then the group proceeded to take fifteen minutes to figure out how to uncork the bottle without making a mess. (Seonghwa preemptively grabbed a bunch of napkins after he noted how San and Yunho were relentlessly man-handling the bottle.)

After miraculously uncorking the bottle (not without a few Google searches), the boys finally had their eight glasses full of champagne.

“To another year of ATEEZ and Atiny!” Hongjoong cheered, holding up his glass.

The rest of the boys cheered, clinking their glasses together. Seonghwa took careful sips from his glass, never particularly liking the taste of alcohol, while Wooyoung, San, and Yunho downed theirs. Mingi tried, but ultimately failed with some loud coughing that resulted in Jongho beating on his back.

Yeosang busted out a pack of cards and the group played Slapjack while the slower drinkers finished their first glass and the faster drinkers complained about wanting another glass. Also, the game of Slapjack soon grew too violent and too chaotic, so they had to switch to playing Cheat, with Seonghwa, Hongjoong, San, and Jongho sitting out.

Hongjoong poured the group their second glass (which resulted in another fifteen minutes of prying off a cork) and soon enough, that finished their second and last bottle of champagne.

And it wasn’t even midnight yet.

“I can’t believe this is all we get,” Wooyoung pouted as he watched Hongjoong throw away the last empty bottle.

“You can go out and buy some more, just say hi to Manager Hwang when you do,” Seonghwa smirked.

“I guess I will go grab the mouthwash and really get this party started.” Mingi moved to stand up from the couch before Seonghwa grabbed him and slammed him back down.

But two glasses of champagne wasn’t going to get them remotely drunk. The only thing it probably did was make them all louder. Their game of Cheat was also abandoned so several games DiBiDiBiDip popped up amongst the younger members, leaving Hongjoong and Seonghwa sitting out.

Seonghwa had already finished his second glass when Wooyoung gave a particularly loud shriek next to him, prompting Seonghwa’s head to throb and him to move over to the quieter side of the couch next to Hongjoong.

Hongjoong hadn’t really touched his second glass and was preoccupied smiling at all of the younger boys playing.

His head had really started to hurt all of the sudden, the noise of the boys and the bright lights of the room starting to bother him.

Hongjoong must have noticed him wincing, because he leaned over and said softly: “Hey are you feeling okay?”

“I think I’m getting a migraine,” he turned up his face in pain. Every loud shout from one of the boys made his brain feel like it was bouncing around in a cage.

“You probably just need to eat something. Here,” Hongjoong put his own glass to the side and took Seonghwa’s empty glass from him. “Let me go grab you something.”

Hongjoong left and came back with a rice cake and a glass of water. “You don’t have to stay up with us. You can go to bed if you aren’t feeling well.”

Noticing Hongjoong tending to Seonghwa, Jongho sing-songed, “Oh, looks like Hyung cannot hold his liquor.”

Everyone stopped what they were doing to look over at Seonghwa. He took the rice cake and water from Hongjoong and shot Jongho a dirty look that screamed “Thanks for that, I’m going to beat your ass later”.

“Not to brag but I could have probably drunk those two bottles of champagne all by myself,” Mingi said loudly. Too loudly. Seonghwa’s head gave another throb and he winced.

“Shush, Mingi-yah, you choked on your first glass,” Hongjoong turned around to glare at him.

“That wasn’t my fault! I have a persistent dry mouth!” Mingi exclaimed.

“Then why are you always spraying spit on me whenever you speak?” Yeosang quipped.

There was a chorus of “yeah, you do that a lot” from the some of the boys.

By that point, Seonghwa had taken several gulps of water and a few nibbles from the rice cake and felt a _little_ better. Just a little. He still wished the lights could turn off and Mingi would shut the fuck up. But he didn’t want to be _that_ person and go to bed early, missing when the clock turned to midnight.

It was like Hongjoong had read his mind because he went over to turn off the overhead lights, leaving just the dim lights in the kitchen to softly light up the room.

“Hey! How are we supposed to play cards now?” Wooyoung complained.

“You weren’t playing them anyways,” Hongjoong gestured to where they were strewn across the floor on his way back to the couch.

“Is that better?” Hongjoong said softly into Seonghwa’s ear once he was sitting on the couch next to him again.

“Yes, thank you,” he nodded. His head felt immediately ten times better once the light was shut off. The food was also probably helping.

Only, it was probably helping _too_ much. As the night grew closer and closer to midnight, he started growing sleepier and sleepier. Hongjoong’s shoulder was right there next to him. And he was wearing one of those nice, fluffy sweaters too. He’d also probably be so warm…

Seonghwa’s eyes felt heavy and he began to wonder how everyone else still had so much energy when they had as many glasses as he had. His head almost moved without his consent, ultimately finding its new resting place on Hongjoong’s shoulder.

He could feel Hongjoong stiffen, he could hear Hongjoong’s breath tighten, he knew that he should probably move his head. His head was probably heavy and he was probably making Hongjoong uncomfortable, but his eyes closed and he felt so comfortable right where he was. He was right about the sweater being so soft and Hongjoong being so warm.

But it was gone so fast when Hongjoong was nudging his head off of him with his shoulder. He couldn’t suppress the whine that came out of him.

“Hang on, one sec,” Hongjoong said.

Seonghwa forced himself to open his eyes to see Hongjoong setting down his empty glass and reaching his arm out to pull Seonghwa back in.

Hongjoong settled back on the couch, pulling Seonghwa into his side, his arm wrapping around Seonghwa’s shoulder. Seonghwa’s head naturally went onto Hongjoong’s shoulder and _this_ felt even better than it had before. More of his warmth was wrapping its way around Seonghwa, more of his soft sweater, more of his smell. His smell – like the way the bottom bunk once smelled before Seonghwa’s scent took over.

Hongjoong: clean cotton out of the dryer or fresh air on summer day. A little flowery, but only in a laundry detergent type of way. A little earthy, but only in a living human sort of way.

After living with the man for so long he’d thought he wouldn’t be able to smell the distinction anymore. But he still could, and he was so grateful.

“If you’re sleepy you should go to bed,” Hongjoong whispered to him. “They’re all being loud.”

And all the boys _were_ being loud. A constant array of screams and shrieks and shouts. But why would Seonghwa want to go to his bed when he was so content right there? He didn’t have Hongjoong in the bottom bunk to help keep him warm and comfortable.

“It’s fine,” he mumbled.

“I’ll wake you up before midnight.” Hongjoong rested his cheek on Seonghwa’s head.

Seonghwa didn’t remember replying, even though he was thinking about how in the world Hongjoong was going to be the one to wake him up when Hongjoong was always the one that fell asleep the fastest.

But it in the end it was Mingi’s loud voice that startled Seonghwa awake, and Hongjoong too by the way his body jolted.

“Who is going to be my New Year’s kiss?” Mingi called out.

“Your pillow!” Wooyoung shouted back at him.

“Mmm, what time is it?” Hongjoong asked groggily. The weight on Seonghwa’s head disappeared as Hongjoong lifted his head. Though, Hongjoong’s arm remained around Seonghwa.

“Two minutes till midnight,” Yeosang answered. “You two make an adorable couple by the way. We got lots of great pictures.”

“You guys suck,” Hongjoong chuckled.

It felt like Seonghwa had been asleep for hours even though it was probably only twenty minutes. He was still tired and groggy, if anything the nap had made him sleepier. He softly groaned and hid his face in Hongjoong’s neck. For once Hongjoong wasn’t wearing a turtleneck so Seonghwa could feel the smooth skin of his neck as he brushed his nose across it.

“They’re gonna get even louder once it turns midnight so you should probably go to bed now,” Hongjoong said to him.

He shook his head on Hongjoong’s neck. “No, if I’ve made it this far I can stay up for a little bit longer.”

Hongjoong snorted, probably at the irony of how he _hadn’t_ been able to stay up and how he had literally just taken a twenty-minute nap.

“One minute left!” San called out.

Even though he really didn’t want to, Seonghwa managed to pry himself away from Hongjoong. And he immediately was met by the brightness of the room (despite the dim lights) and the loss of warmth. On the other hand, he was met by a tired-looking Hongjoong looking at him through pretty, swollen eyes.

“You good?” Hongjoong’s eyes flittered around Seonghwa’s face.

“Yep, totally,” he nodded.

Even though he totally wasn’t. He was tired, remnants of the migraine were still there, and he just wanted to lay in bed. With Hongjoong. Next time they stayed in a hotel, Seonghwa would make sure he was with Hongjoong. He wanted to be able to sleep warmly, peacefully, soundly.

“Hey Mingi-hyung! I will be your New Year’s kiss!” Jongho exclaimed and started to wrestle him into a headlock.

Mingi shrieked and said: “I rescind my invitation! I’m celibate!”

“Ten! Nine! Eight!” The group started to count down as they stared at the clock on their phones and clacked and honked their noisemakers.

Hongjoong chanted happily along with them while Seonghwa sat with an increasingly throbbing head.

“Seven! Six! Five!”

Hongjoong reached out to Seonghwa and rubbed his back, probably knowing all of the noise was driving him nuts. But as soon as his hand met his back, all of the pain went away. Because Hongjoong looked so gorgeous, with his fluffy sweater and paper party hat. His platinum bangs brushing his forehead and his lips curled into a beaming smile.

“Four! Three!”

Mingi gave out another shriek.

“Ew! Jongho-yah! You’re supposed to kiss him after we say ‘one’!” Wooyoung said.

“Two! One!”

Hongjoong’s eyes met Seonghwa’s as even Seonghwa gathered to shout with the rest of the group:

_“Happy New Year’s!”_

Yeosang gathered up some of the playing cards and tossed them into the air as everyone clacked and honked their noisemakers even louder.

Out of the corner of Seonghwa’s eye, he could see San lean over to kiss Wooyoung on the cheek.

Jongho had kissed Mingi.

San had kissed Wooyoung.

Hongjoong used the hand on Seonghwa’s back to wrap around his side and bring him close for a side-hug as Hongjoong continued to cheer with the rest of the boys.

Jongho had kissed Mingi.

San had kissed Wooyoung.

He didn’t know if it was the alcohol (probably not), or the lack of sleep (probably not), or the fact that some of the other boys were doing it (probably not), but Seonghwa turned his head and gave Hongjoong a brief, but firm kiss on his cheek.

Hongjoong stopped his cheering to turn his head and meet Seonghwa’s gaze with a startled look in his eye.

“Happy New Year’s, Hongjoong-ah,” the words fell out of his mouth quickly.

Hongjoong blinked at him, still in a state of shock.

It hit Seonghwa then that he probably shouldn’t have done that. He had done enough by napping on Hongjoong. He had done enough by making Hongjoong tend to his alcohol-induced migraine. He had asked enough of Hongjoong that night. To be kissed on the cheek by another man? It was too much to ask for. And the problem was, he hadn’t asked. He’d done it without his permission. Something the kind-hearted Hongjoong would never do to him.

He opened his mouth again to apologize…

But then Hongjoong’s other hand reached up to Seonghwa’s face. He looked at Seonghwa intently as his hand came to rest on the side of Seonghwa’s face.

He had just begun to wonder to himself about what exactly Hongjoong was doing, when Hongjoong index and middle finger began to gently rub Seonghwa’s temple.

It felt _so_ good.

Why did it feel so good? He was just rubbing his temple. It wasn’t like he was doing anything…sexual…to him. 

But it was like it _did_ feel that good.

Seonghwa’s eyes immediately fluttered shut and he really hoped his didn’t let out a little gasp (but he probably did). The growing pressure in his head was elevated and how was Hongjoong so good at making him feel so peaceful and calm and comfortable…safe?

Yes, Hongjoong made him feel so safe. He made him feel like he was at home.

Because he was at home. He was here with his family in their home.

“Let’s go to bed now,” Hongjoong murmured to him.

Hongjoong easily ushered Seonghwa to bed, leaving the younger ones still up and rough housing behind them. He could have sworn he heard some stray snickers from the boys and a few intense whispers from Hongjoong, but it was like he was already in a state of half-sleep. He felt himself practically float down the hallway and then next thing he knew, he was waking up feeling like a bus had hit him, not remembering how exactly he had gotten into his bottom bunk, and wondering if everything that had happened the night before was just a fever dream.

Because he didn’t think even the strongest alcohol in the world would give Seonghwa enough liquid courage to _kiss_ Hongjoong.

He was mortified.

But Hongjoong never mentioned it, and neither did any of the boys, so after a while, Seonghwa became convinced it really was just a fever dream after all.


	4. Part Three, Section One: January - July 2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit hits the fan in this chapter. Please heed the trigger warnings:
> 
> **!!!!TRIGGER WARNINGS for this chapter: mentions of death (regarding a Shinee member), dieting, cultural appropriation, homophobia, child abuse!!!!**
> 
> Please read with caution and enjoy!
> 
> This HAS NOT been beta-read by anyone other than me myself and I. Please comment any errors you see and I will fix them!

** **

* * *

** Part Three, Section One **

** January – July 2020 **

_Listen to: “Opus 20” by Dustin O’Halloran and “Moon” by JONGHYUN_

* * *

Just like the January the previous year, this January was also jampacked with schedules upon schedules upon schedules. Last year he had dreaded the Korean New Year holiday, but this year was different. He needed that break. Even if it meant dealing with his family, yet again.

His family was…the same as always. His older brother said he was planning on enlisting sometime that year, probably after Chuseok. Since ATEEZ had gotten more recognition that year (MAMA awards, two music show wins, Golden Disc Awards) his family was bit more curious about what exactly being an idol was all about. He thought at first they had finally come around to being more acceptable of his choice of life path…until his father said that it was good Seonghwa was taking the occasional class at Global Cyber University in case his “idol thing fell through.”

So at this point Seonghwa didn’t know what it was going to take to please his family. He figured they’d still be unhappy even if ATEEZ got as big as BTS. (Which was hilarious to think about.) They’d have to accept his choices once his face was plastered on every surface in downtown Seoul.

He could feel himself slipping once he got back to Seoul. He had just spent too many days with his family, the group was still doing promotions, they were practicing hard for the upcoming Seoul concert (that his parents didn’t seem to give a fuck about), and Hongjoong stayed out late every night with the producer hyungs.

He had long since gotten over his jealousy about that. Hongjoong had his thing and Seonghwa had his.

But _did_ Seonghwa have a thing?

As he laid in his bed every night, sore as hell from practicing, bored as hell with no Hongjoong to keep him company, he wondered what exactly his _thing_ was.

Hongjoong had his songwriting, his clothes reforming. Yunho had his thing of being good at everything. Yeosang had friends, _non-idol_ friends. San had Wooyoung. Mingi had his books. Wooyoung had San, plus a hundred more idol friends. Jongho had his amazing singing talent, plus his connections with so many talented other people.

And Seonghwa had…

Cleaning? Taking care of his plants?

Which were coming along very nicely, by the way. He hadn’t killed them yet and he could see the green sprouts growing out of the brown soil.

But as he laid there, he could feel himself slipping. Slipping into feeling fucking useless. Feeling like a bland, talentless excuse for an idol.

His father was probably right, it was a good thing he was taking university classes. Who knew where ATEEZ was going to go? They didn’t sell as many albums with this comeback as they had the last. Maybe their time was over. The ATEEZ fad was over. Maybe all the Atinys had moved on.

He knew couldn’t just lay there. He had to do something. He couldn’t just feel like this every day until the weather grew warmer and the sun started shining more.

So he was grateful when Hongjoong invited him to be in his YouTube vlog, with a corresponding Vlive. It gave him something to do besides lay in his bed and feel useless. Plus, he really missed spending time with Hongjoong. With not seeing him over the holiday break, plus from how busy they had all been lately, he’d take the quality time with Hongjoong. Even if it _was_ all on camera.

To Seonghwa’s surprise, Hongjoong came back home with the rest of the group that night, instead of staying late at the company like he normally did.

To Seonghwa’s surprise again, the first words out of Hongjoong’s mouth once they were alone in their room was: “Are you okay?”

Startled at the question, there was a pause before he answered. “Yeah,” his voice went up a little bit at the end because, you know, he was _lying_.

“I know I haven’t been in the dorm much, and I’m sorry. I’m gonna try to be less busy after our concert,” Hongjoong said.

Seonghwa shook his head. He might have been a _little_ upset, but rationally he knew that there were no hard feelings there - Hongjoong was just always busy. It was Seonghwa who was the problem. Because he didn’t have anything to keep himself busy like Hongjoong or the other boys. “No, that’s not it. I’m not upset about that.”

“So… you _are_ upset about somethin _g_ then?”

Hongjoong had caught him. Seonghwa groaned and flopped back onto his bottom bunk, positioned sideways so his legs hung off the side. “I don’t know,” he mumbled.

A loud groan came from Hongjoong then, copying Seonghwa’s, and he flopped back onto the bunk so he lay beside him.

He slowly turned his head to find Hongjoong staring at him. “What?” Seonghwa asked.

“You need to tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it.”

Avoiding Hongjoong’s persistent gaze, he turned his head back to look up at the top bunk. “I don’t think you can fix this.”

“Hm, true. Not everything can be fixed. But I’d like to hear about it though? Even if it can’t be fixed, I’d like to try to help.”

“Hongjoong-ah, you can’t just magically make me talented.”

The bedsheets rustled and suddenly Hongjoong’s face popped up in Seonghwa’s view. “What do you mean you aren’t talented? Of course, you are.”

“Ugh, nooo, I don’t mean like that.” He tried to dodge Hongjoong’s gaze, but it was surprisingly hard seeing as his eyes were so big and pretty with his long eyelashes…

“Then what do you mean?”

“I mean…” Seonghwa searched for how to express what he was feeling into words. “I mean I don’t have a _thing_. You have your songwriting, Wooyoung has his friends, Yunho has like, literally everything. I don’t have a thing. Something that I’m really good at. Something that gives me something to _do_.”

“Like a purpose?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“What did your family say to you?” Hongjoong asked with narrowed eyes.

“What?”

“You weren’t like this before the holiday break. What did your family say to you?”

Seonghwa scoffed. “Their opinions aren’t going to be changed just because we won a couple of awards. I just…,” he paused to let out a big sigh. “I just think I’m just stuck. Like writer’s block, but for life.”

His metaphor made Hongjoong crack a small smile. “Life block?”

He chuckled. “Yeah, I have life block.”

“Well,” Hongjoong turned over onto his stomach. “You know what I do when I have writer’s block? It might help for life block.”

“What?”

“I do stuff that makes me happy.”

“Oh really, like what?”

“Like talk to you.”

Seonghwa’s eyes flicked over to meet Hongjoong’s and heat rose to his cheeks. He was suddenly too flustered to say anything.

Luckily, Hongjoong continued: “What makes you happy? What do you like to do?”

 _Talk to you,_ he wanted to say too. Instead he said lamely: “I don’t know…I liked planting those seeds you got me.”

“Really?” Hongjoong grinned. “Shit, I’ll buy you all the seeds you want, let’s go get some right now.” He moved to get up from the bed and Seonghwa grabbed onto his arm to keep him right where he was.

“No, it’s fine. You’ve bought me enough stuff over the years,” Seonghwa giggled. “To be honest, talking to you makes me happy too.”

He gave him a soft smile, biting his lip and briefly cutting his gaze downward. “You know…I was thinking about our concert, right?”

“Mm, okay,” Seonghwa nodded.

“I was thinking we should do something special during ‘Thank U’. If you wanted, of course.”

“Special how?”

Hongjoong fidgeted a bit before continuing: “I dunno, like fan service or something.”

His eyebrows raised. “Fan service?”

“Don’t look at me like that!” he giggled and lightly shoved Seonghwa’s shoulder.

“What?” he laughed. “Like what?”

“Like I’m crazy!”

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” Seonghwa said truthfully. “I just need more information. You’ve never wanted to do anything like that before.”

Hongjoong gaped at him and sat up in the bunk. “Hey! That’s not true! We’ve done stuff before.”

“Shit, I think you _are_ crazy now. Teasing me at a fan sign doesn’t constitute fan service. You need to pay more attention to San and Wooyoung if you want an example of what fan service actually looks like.”

Hongjoong gave him a confused look. “San and Wooyoung?”

“Yeah, don’t they plan that stuff out in advance?” Seonghwa asked.

He thought a bit before he slowly nodded. “Uh, yeah…yeah, you’re right they do.”

“So you want to do something like they do?”

“Yeah…like something they do,” he said. 

Seonghwa didn’t know why all of the sudden Hongjoong wanted to do fan service. It was highly suspicious. Even though, Seonghwa shouldn’t complain or question him too much. This was something he should want. They were friends. Best friends. He’d do anything to spend more quality time with Hongjoong, even if it was only on stage.

“You look hesitant,” Hongjoong observed, chewing on his nails. 

“No, I’m not hesitant.” Seonghwa sat up and Hongjoong’s eyes followed him. “I’m just curious. And stop that.” He swatted at Hongjoong’s hand.

He pouted and dropped his hand. “Well…obviously you know the lyrics to the song.”

Seonghwa nodded. He was noticing that Hongjoong was suddenly growing more awkward in front of him. 

“They remind me a lot of you. About how…about how I feel about our relationship,” Hongjoong said, but then hurriedly added with an embarrassed laugh: “Our friendship, I mean.”

The moment in front of them grew heavy. “…You’ve never told me that,” Seonghwa murmured.

“No I haven’t, but I should’ve,” he bowed his head. “I wrote my lyrics while I was thinking about you.”

“You did?” He had been thinking about him? Very quickly, he started going over the lyrics in his head, searching to remember Hongjoong’s. Of course, he could remember all of his own lines easily enough. Why did he not pay more attention?

“You know…you and the others, you guys give me purpose. And I hope we can be that for you too.”

Hongjoong gave Seonghwa a small smile and he soon returned it. Maybe that was all that mattered. Maybe he didn’t need some elaborate skill or hobby or talent to make his life worth living. Maybe it wasn’t that complicated. Maybe it was really that simple. Just living day by day, with people around you that made you happy, all while doing things that also made you happy.

“Let’s hold hands during ‘Thank U’,” Seonghwa decided. “…Only if you want to, of course.”

“Sure, I like it,” Hongjoong nodded. He grabbed onto the bunk railing above him and swung himself off the bottom bunk.

“We’ll totally out fan service San and Wooyoung!” he held his fist in the air.

Hongjoong gave him a lingering look. “Oh, I don’t know if that is possible.”

*

They all cried during their concert in Seoul. It was hard not to. They had been all over the world, but there was something so different about performing at home.

And Seonghwa and Hongjoong did their little fan service bit.

It was…

Seonghwa didn’t know how San and Wooyoung could keep it up all the time. How it didn’t bother them how disingenuous it felt. How it felt so…fake.

Seonghwa and Hongjoong held hands. Something they never did.

Seonghwa and Hongjoong hugged. Something they hardly ever did.

With how Hongjoong had talked about what “Thank U” meant to him, to _them_ , Seonghwa had expected more. He didn’t really know what, because holding hands and hugging was the definition of fan service and it was something they had decided on beforehand. He just…he expected to feel differently about it.

He thought he was going to feel as happy as he was whenever Hongjoong and him were alone. As happy as he was when they walked on the street at night. As happy as he was on Christmas in 2018. As happy as he was when they went to the butterfly garden.

But he didn’t. Instead he felt disappointed, almost stupid that he had expected something more out of it.

They really weren’t anything like San and Wooyoung. With San and Wooyoung, they seemed content with what they had. They were good friends for each other. There wasn’t a push and pull. It seemed they had a good rhythm of time spent together and time spent apart.

But Seonghwa always wanted more with Hongjoong. More time spent. More _quality_ time spent. Not the time spent with the other members. Not the time spent on stage doing fake ass fan service.

No he wanted more _quality_ time with Hongjoong.

And he was starting to think that he was never, ever going to get that. 

Were they just not compatible friends? Or, like always, was there something wrong with Seonghwa? Was he demanding too much of others?

Why was he never content with himself?

Hongjoong and the other boys gave him purpose. But why couldn’t he find that purpose within himself? He was always projecting, always projecting, always projecting.

It wasn’t Hongjoong’s fault that Seonghwa was constantly disappointed with the way things were.

But why was Seonghwa constantly disappointed?

Why was it never enough?

He had all the ingredients of what he needed to be happy. He was an idol. He had friends. _Brothers_. He had FANS for fuck’s sake.

And yet, every time he looked at their empty dorm room, with Hongjoong nowhere in sight, it was like he forgot about everything that was supposed to make him happy. And ever since the concert, that feeling started spilling over elsewhere too.

After the concert they had some miscellaneous Japanese promotions to do before they went on their hiatus. And now, every time he looked at Hongjoong, he felt like how he felt in their empty dorm room.

Something for the concert that was supposed to bring them more together, help solidify their friendship even more, created a crack in Seonghwa. A crack that he didn’t know how to fix.

*

“Hyung, do you want to go to the park with us?” San asked after knocking on Seonghwa’s open dorm room door.

He looked up from tending to his plants. “Isn’t it cold outside?” It was the middle of February, so yes.

San shrugged. “It is not too bad if you bundle up. I really just want to get out of the dorm. I feel so cooped up in here.”

And they had been cooped up. So used to being carted about every single day, it was a weird feeling having nothing to do. Most of the boys kept to their rooms, or went to visit friends and family, or if you were Hongjoong: used the free time to work even more at the studio.

“Who’s all going?” Seonghwa sighed. He needed to prepare for who was going to come back to the dorm in need of a warm bath and hot tea. And probably cold & flu medicine.

“Well, Woo said he was going to hang out with some of his _other friends_ today,” he gave a slight quirk of a frown and continued: “So it would be just me, you, Yunho, and Hongjoong-hyung.”

Seonghwa fumbled and dropped the cap of the water bottle he was using to water the plants. “Oh, um, Hongjoong will be there?” He bent down to pick up the cap.

San nodded. “Yeah, Yunho texted him and Hongjoong-hyung said he would meet us there. So do you want to come?”

He screwed the cap back on the water bottle. Seonghwa felt like he had barely seen Hongjoong in the dorm at all over the past few weeks. Which was something he had gotten acclimated to. He had also gotten acclimated to Hongjoong saying he would spend more time in the dorm…and then always failing to meet that promise. Which of course, was something he never blamed Hongjoong for. Seonghwa had a hard time blaming Hongjoong for anything. He did, however, find it disappointing that Hongjoong arranged this outing all through Yunho and _not_ Seonghwa. “Um, yeah, sure I’ll come. Let me get ready,” Seonghwa easily agreed.

“I figured you would want to come,” San gave him a grin before walking off.

Seonghwa frowned but proceeded to put on his nicest big coat and perfect his beanie-to-bang ratio. As he was finishing up picking out his shoes, Yunho came running into the room. “Sorry, Hongjoong-hyung told me to grab his soccer ball. He said you would know where it was.”

He gave Yunho a puzzled look. “Why didn’t he just ask me?” He glanced down at his phone and saw an empty lock screen.

Yunho only gave him a shrug.

“It’s in that cabinet. Next to his suitcase,” Seonghwa pointed.

Yunho dug around in the cabinet until he found it. “Ah, thank you, Hyung!” He ran back out of the room.

With all of the dodging Hongjoong was doing, he wasn’t mad at Seonghwa for something, right?

Maybe the concert had created cracks in Hongjoong too.

Due to the cold weather, the cold and dreary park was mostly empty, save for some strong-willed joggers. It was probably why San was so adamant about wanting to go. Less people around was better when you were an idol.

But the park was also missing a Hongjoong when Seonghwa, Yunho, and San arrived.

“You told Hyung the right park, right?” San asked Yunho.

Yunho nodded and started bouncing the soccer ball up and down on his knee. “Yeah, but you know how Hyung is. He’ll be late.”

“Well, thanks to Seonghwa-hyung’s _primping_ , we were almost late too,” San shot Seonghwa a pointed look.

“I wasn’t primping. I had to put on fifteen different layers just to come out here and not get frostbite,” Seonghwa grumbled. He noticed a bench nearby and hobbled over to it.

“Why did you ask me to invite Seonghwa-hyung?” San whined to Yunho. “He’s a party pooper.”

Yunho kicked the soccer ball over to Seonghwa. “Because Hongjoong-hyung told me to.”

The ball rolled to a stop in front of Seonghwa’s feet. “What?” Seonghwa glanced down to the ball and back up to Yunho and San.

Hongjoong asked Yunho to ask San to ask Seonghwa if he wanted to go to the park? And Hongjoong asked Yunho to ask Seonghwa where the soccer ball was? 

Seonghwa’s head spun. Why didn’t Hongjoong ask Seonghwa all of that himself? He probably needed to double check his phone to see if it was actually working, because nothing made sense.

“Yeah, Hongjoong-hyung said you would probably need the fresh air. Probably to help with the cleaning fumes, I would assume...You know, you can kick that back to me,” Yunho pointed down at the ball.

Without moving from the bench, Seonghwa gave the ball a weak kick towards Yunho and soon enough Yunho and San were off to the races across the wide stretch of pavement in the park, passing the ball back and forth to each other.

He watched them play as he sat on the bench, probably with a scowl on his face, hands shoved in his pockets and his scarf pulled up over his nose. He would have appreciated the fresh air if it was spring or summer, or even fall. Instead the sky was gray, air chilly, grass dead, trees barren. At least they had central heat in their dorm and the plants in his dorm room were alive.

He heard some of the cold, dead grass behind him crunch and he whipped his head around to see Hongjoong standing behind him with his hands raised, as if he was going to try to surprise Seonghwa and scare him.

“Whoops, you caught me,” Hongjoong gave a big smile.

Seonghwa was proud to see that Hongjoong was equally as bundled up, with a thick puffy coat, big scarf, and beanie. His hair was pushed back all in the way into the beanie and he wore thick, clear glasses on his bare face. He looked as handsome as always. And yet, Seonghwa felt sad to see him.

“I would’ve punched you if you tried to scare me,” Seonghwa said and turned back around.

Hongjoong came and sat down next to him on the bench. “No you wouldn’t have,” he smirked.

No, he wouldn’t have.

Hongjoong gestured over to Yunho and San. “Why aren’t you playing with them? It’ll warm you up.”

He shrugged. “You know I’m not good at sports.”

“Who cares if you’re good? It’s just for fun.”

With Hongjoong closer to him now, Seonghwa could see how tired his eyes looked through the lenses of his glasses.

Seonghwa’s only response was a mumbled: “Yeah, I guess so.”

They sat there for a moment, just watching Yunho and San play in the distance and the trees dance in the breeze. Every now again a stray dead leaf would carry across the wind.

“You’re working a lot again,” Seonghwa broke the silence.

Hongjoong let out a sigh and he took off his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose and squeezing his eyes shut. “I know, I know. I said I wouldn’t. I just…you know how I am.” He slid his glasses on backwards, so they rested on his ears and hung off the back of his head.

“And did you lose my number?” he continued.

“Huh?” Hongjoong asked.

Seonghwa didn’t know where all of this sudden confidence within him was coming from. “You could’ve texted me about the park and about where your soccer ball was. But you didn’t.”

“Oh!” he realized what Seonghwa was talking about. “Well um, I was already texting Yunho so I just went ahead and relayed all of that to him. I’m sorry, I probably could’ve saved you two some trouble and just directly texted you. I didn’t think about it.”

A completely reasonable explanation. And something plausible that Seonghwa could have assumed of himself. And yet he didn’t. He immediately thought of the worst.

And yet, he still wasn’t satisfied of Hongjoong’s explanation. Because he said he didn’t think about texting Seonghwa.

Hongjoong was always on Seonghwa’s mind. Was Seonghwa hardly on Hongjoong’s mind? Was their relationship that one sided?

Did their close relationship even exist? Or was Seonghwa’s mind dreaming it all?

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get mad or anything, I just wanted to make sure you knew it was okay to text me,” Seonghwa hurried to assure Hongjoong.

“Yes, ‘Hwa, I know it’s okay to text you,” Hongjoong drawled. “I’ll make sure to text you in the future.”

“Okay, good,” he nodded.

And then there was a pregnant, awkward silence between them. Seonghwa knew he probably shouldn’t have confronted Hongjoong on something so trivial, but he couldn’t stop himself. With Hongjoong, he could never stop himself.

“Oh, hey, Hyung is here!” San called from the distance. He nudged Yunho and they both waved at Hongjoong. San picked up the soccer ball from the ground. “Are you coming to play?!”

Hongjoong giggled and cupped his hands around his mouth to call back: “Yeah, I’m coming!” Then he looked over at Seonghwa. “Come on, let’s go,” he gestured with his hand.

Seonghwa grimaced and shook his head. “Nahhh, I’m not very good.”

He gave him a long look. 

“It’s fine, _go_ ,” Seonghwa continued with a nod. “I’m just enjoying the fresh air right here.”

“Well, if you change your mind, I’d be happy to show you some soccer skills, even though I’m rusty.” Hongjoong stood up from the bench and stretched a bit.

He smiled and said: “Okay.”

Hongjoong gave him one more lingering glance before he started walking off. That was when Seonghwa was reminded of Hongjoong’s glances still on the back of his head.

“Ah! Wait, give me your glasses,” Seonghwa called to him.

Hongjoong’s hand fumbled behind his head and grabbed the glasses. “Oh! I totally forgot!” He walked back over and handed them carefully to Seonghwa. “Hang on, I’ll probably get hot too.” Hongjoong unwrapped his scarf, handed that to him as well, and then shrugged off his big coat, putting that on the back of the bench.

Without the coat, Hongjoong had on a tight, long-sleeved shirt that was tucked into his dark-wash jeans. Seonghwa gulped as he watched Hongjoong push the sleeves up to his forearm. “Thanks, I’ll be back,” he bid before running off towards Yunho and San.

Seonghwa pulled his attention away from noticing how good Hongjoong’s shirt looked on him to instead looking down at the knit scarf and pair of glasses he now had in his hands. His hand twitched, as he almost - completely without thinking, completely on impulse, completely out of his mind - as he _almost_ brought the scarf up to his nose to see if it smelled like Hongjoong.

What the fuck was he doing? He’d wanted so badly to spend quality time with Hongjoong and here was sitting on the bench because he was too scared that he’d embarrass himself while playing soccer. And for some reason, he couldn’t stop thinking about how Hongjoong’s arms had looked when he took off his coat. Seonghwa had seen Hongjoong’s arms millions of times before. Times where he also had his sleeves pushed up just like that. But why had his arms looked so nice there? Why had he almost _smelled Hongjoong’s scarf_?

What the hell was wrong with him?

He heard San shout something that he couldn’t quite make out, pulling his attention upward once again to find Hongjoong bouncing the soccer ball back and forth on his knees, making it look almost easy. It was hard to see Hongjoong’s facial expression from so far away, but Seonghwa didn’t think he even wanted to focus on that. Instead too enraptured by the _rest_ of Hongjoong. His rolled-up sleeves, his tight jeans, his black belt that cinched his waist.

Suddenly, Hongjoong was no longer pretty, or gorgeous, or beautiful.

What would you call that? Handsome? No, handsome was what you said when someone took a nice photo. Hongjoong looked better than a nice photo. Seonghwa could see his body move. His legs twisting and running and jumping. His arms raising to adjust his beanie.

One word was coming to Seonghwa’s mind that wasn’t pretty or gorgeous or beautiful or handsome.

A word he desperately tried to push back down.

 _Hot_.

Seonghwa quickly put Hongjoong’s glasses safely on top of his head and pulled out his phone, opening a random driving game. Anything to take his mind off of…THAT. He didn’t even care that it would kill his battery and he had no charger. And he tried to forget the weight of Hongjoong’s glasses on top of his head.

After a while, Hongjoong, Yunho, and San eventually returned back to Seonghwa’s bench (Yunho and San carrying their coats in their hands), in a mess of panting and smiling. Hongjoong sat the soccer ball on the bench and collapsed in a fit of exhaustion on the ground.

“Was that fun?” Seonghwa asked, putting down his driving game.

“Loads! I think Hyung is getting old though,” San grinned at Hongjoong.

Hongjoong only weakly waved his hand at San.

“I’m starving now, we should go get some food and drinks from that store on the corner,” Yunho said to San.

“Oh, that’s a good idea, here, take my card,” Hongjoong shifted so he could pull his wallet out of his back pocket.

 _Hot_ popped into Seonghwa’s head once again.

He felt like he was going to be sick.

“Really?!” Yunho and San said at the same time, eying Hongjoong’s outstretched credit card.

“Sure, if you get me and Seonghwa something too,” Hongjoong nodded.

San swiped the credit card from Hongjoong almost comically fast. “Will do! Let’s gooo!”

“Yeah, you’re welcome!” Hongjoong quipped.

San ignored him.

“Sannie,” Seonghwa said. “Can you get me some chocolate bread and - ”

“A black Americano? Got it,” San nodded as he and Yunho started walking off in the direction of the store.

Seonghwa growled. “Nooo, I want - ”

Yunho turned his head around and called: “We know, Hyung, we just like to tease you!”

He pursed his lips and turned to look down at Hongjoong.

“Hey, don’t look at me, they’re your kids not mine,” Hongjoong joked before flopping onto his back and closing his eyes.

Hongjoong lying on his back was not a good position for Seonghwa. Seonghwa could see too much. Hongjoong’s chest rising and falling as he still struggled to regulate his breathing, the smooth skin of his exposed forearm contrasting against the dark pavement underneath him, his tight jeans clutching his thighs.

He wanted to shout in frustration. He never thought about any of the other members like that. Or any other man period. What was it about Hongjoong?

_Was he gay?_

Seonghwa picked up the soccer ball as a form of distraction and began spinning it in his hands. It was kind of damp, with flecks of pavement and dirt smattered all over it. And he didn’t even care. Literally anything it took to distract himself would do.

He should’ve never come to the park. Was this experience going to forever change Seonghwa? Would he forever not be able to look at Hongjoong without thinking about how Hongjoong was…

Seonghwa bounced the soccer ball on the ground in front of him. Only, unlike a basketball, he soon learned that soccer balls didn’t behave the same way, as it weakly bounced back up and then landed back heavily onto the ground. Far from Seonghwa’s waiting hands.

How embarrassing.

At the sound, Hongjoong opened his eyes and looked over at Seonghwa. “Do you want me to show you some stuff?”

“Nah, it’s okay. You need to rest anyways.” Seonghwa placed his foot on top of the ball and rolled it around in its place.

Hongjoong groaned and stumbled up from the ground. “Okay, I gotta prove I’m not old,” he waved his hand at Seonghwa, gesturing for him to pass the ball.

He kicked the ball. “I’m older than you.”

The ball came at Hongjoong and he stopped it in its track with his foot. “Barely,” he smirked. 

_Hot_.

Hongjoong gestured for Seonghwa to stand up. “Come on, I can show you how to juggle it.”

“Juggle it?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, it makes dribbling easier.”

“Dribbling?”

“‘Hwaaa,” he drawled with a pout. “Quit being so difficult and just play with me.”

Well, Seonghwa couldn’t exactly say no to that. So he stood up from the bench and remembered to take of Hongjoong’s glasses, placing them gently on his scarf.

“Okay, so what do you mean by ‘juggling’?” Seonghwa crossed his arms.

“Here, watch. Oh, and keep in mind I’m rusty,” he added sheepishly.

With one fluid motion, Hongjoong had the ball from underneath his foot to on top of his foot, and then he began passing it back and forth between each foot. Seonghwa tried to focus on his feet, but his eyes couldn’t help but slip up to Hongjoong’s face. His jaw had opened and slackened a bit as he focused on passing the ball, his eyes trained downward. It was one of those few moments that Seonghwa could watch Hongjoong in peace. 

Hongjoong’s foot fumbled with the ball, the ball bouncing helplessly away, and he cursed under his breath. “I used to be better I promise,” he winced.

“You know that I’d never be able to do that, right? I’m not coordinated enough,” Seonghwa said.

He walked over and kicked the ball back to them. “No, it just takes practice. When I was little I used to practice for hours.”

“So, nothing has changed then,” he quipped with a smirk.

“No,” Hongjoong flashed a smile. “I guess not.”

Seonghwa gestured to the ball. “Okay, so show me how to juggle it or whatever.”

“Okay, so basically all it is, is balance.” He picked up the ball and placed it on his flexed right foot. He raised the foot a few inches off of the ground and then gave it a flick, catching the ball easily on his flexed left foot. “Balance and eyesight, I guess,” he shrugged. He flung his foot upwards, sending the ball flying into his waiting hands.

Seonghwa held out his hands. “Alright, let me try.”

Hongjoong tossed the ball to him and Seonghwa copied Hongjoong, placing the ball on his flexed right foot. His body wobbled a bit, and began wobbling even more when he raised his foot fully off the ground. When he tried passing the ball to his left foot, his left foot ended up just kicking the ball a few feet away.

“See? I told you.” Seonghwa’s face burned as he went to go grab the ball.

“Oh hush, that was good for someone who’s never really played. Here let me help.” Hongjoong walked over to Seonghwa. “Go ahead and put the ball on your foot like before.”

“Okayyy,” he reluctantly put the ball on his foot again.

But then Hongjoong was moving behind him and then his hands were on Seonghwa’s waist, holding him firmly in place.

“This will probably help a little,” Hongjoong said. “Try and see.”

Seonghwa gulped and took a quick peak down at Hongjoong’s hand on his coat. And from his hand lead upwards to his bare forearm…

If it wasn’t for Seonghwa’s thick jacket, he could probably have felt Hongjoong body behind his.

Would his body have been nice and strong and warm?

He lifted his right foot and he could feel Hongjoong’s hand clutching at his sides; he could sense Hongjoong shifting behind him to help center Seonghwa’s balance.

“I’ve got you,” Hongjoong said.

Seonghwa flicked his right foot and this time, instead of the ball flying away, it actually landed on top of Seonghwa’s left foot. Briefly. Until it tilted and fell off, landing on the ground.

“Hey! I did it!” he grinned.

Hongjoong’s hands left his waist and he came back around to swipe the ball up off the ground. “See! I told you. Not hard at all. Just takes practice.”

After all of that, Seonghwa didn’t think Hongjoong was _hot_ anymore. No. The word was too abrasive, too impersonal.

No, Hongjoong was definitely beautiful. Seonghwa was sure of it. Hongjoong’s nose and cheeks flushed red from the cold air, some of his blonde bangs spilling out from underneath his beanie, the way he gracefully “juggled” the soccer ball from knee to knee.

He was suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude for him. For the fact that Hongjoong took time out of his busy day to come to the park with all of them. Show Seonghwa how to juggle a soccer ball. Pay for their snacks.

Seonghwa lunged forward and swiped the soccer ball out of mid-air, as Hongjoong was mid-juggle.

Hongjoong gave a stunned laugh. “Hey!”

“Come and get it!” he giggled, running off with the soccer ball in his clutches.

“How old are you again? Twenty-three or three?” Hongjoong called after him. 

But obviously Hongjoong wasn’t any more mature, because Hongjoong chased after him, and very quickly caught up to him. Hongjoong playfully tried to wrestle the ball out of Seonghwa’s grasp, but Seonghwa held on for dear life, knowing Hongjoong was stronger than him. 

Hongjoong was smart and tried a different tactic: targeting Seonghwa’s vanity.

“Don’t make me take this off and expose your unwashed hair to the world,” he threatened with a hand now on top of Seonghwa’s beanie covered head.

“What? No!” Seonghwa exclaimed. He dropped the ball and swatted Hongjoong’s hand away.

He scooped up the ball and ran back towards the bench. “‘Hwa, you’re too easy!” he taunted.

“Oh, you - ” Seonghwa almost cursed, chasing after him once again.

By the time he caught up to Hongjoong, Hongjoong had climbed on top of the bench, holding the soccer ball well above Seonghwa’s head. “Who’s the short one now?” Hongjoong gave an evil laugh.

Seonghwa clutched onto Hongjoong’s lower leg. “Be careful!”

“You worry too much.” He tried to rip his leg out of Seonghwa’s grasp but ended up wobbling on the bench – the only thing saving him being his good balance and Seonghwa’s death grip on his leg. “Whoa,” he giggled. “That was a close one.”

“Joong-ah!” Seonghwa huffed. “Get down!”

“Fine fine fine,” he conceded.

As Seonghwa helped Hongjoong down from the bench, Yunho and San arrived back from the convenience store with hands full of bags.

“I see you managed to get Seonghwa-hyung off the bench!” San said.

Hongjoong put the soccer ball on his hip and gestured to the bags. “I see you managed to use my card with no trouble.”

“Yeah, we had no trouble at all! Thank you, Hyung!” Yunho beamed and handed one of the bags over to Seonghwa. Inside was a plethora of chips and bread.

“And actually, Seonghwa saved me from near death today, so let’s make sure he gets first pick of the snacks.” Hongjoong met Seonghwa’s eye and gave him a small smile.

Seonghwa blushed, thinking of how he had helped Hongjoong off the bench. He’d been so worried, he hadn’t even noticed that he had grabbed Hongjoong’s bare arm as he guided him down. But he had, and he wished he had taken more note of it. He’d only been staring at his arms all afternoon. There wasn’t ever any much excuse to get to touch Hongjoong.

Which lead Seonghwa to think…why did he so badly want an excuse to touch Hongjoong? 

*

Their good luck had run out. Jongho fractured his leg during their hiatus, and then, if things weren’t already bad enough, they got stuck in Madrid after their world tour was canceled due to coronavirus – something that seemed so insignificant at first and then suddenly exploded out of nowhere.

And to make matters worse, Seonghwa wasn’t rooming with Hongjoong in the hotel. (Yes, he knew a fractured leg and a pandemic were definitely worse, but let him be overdramatic.)

And to make matters _even_ worse, Seonghwa couldn’t stop thinking about Hongjoong’s skin. (Again, he was an overdramatic person.)

Ever since that one day in the park, Seonghwa slowly spiraled out of control. It was like he couldn’t control his own staring. During practices, he’d pretend to stare at the mirror, allegedly monitoring the choreography. But in actuality, he was really looking at Hongjoong. He would wear these short-sleeved, _tight_ black shirts during practice. Seonghwa dreaded and anticipated parts of their choreography where they would be right next to each other.

Their dorm room was no better. Hongjoong had started coming home more before they left for Europe, managing to keep his promise to Seonghwa. Only, Seonghwa had wished he had kept the promise broken. It was just more opportunities to stare, and more opportunities for Hongjoong to catch him staring.

So, was it a bad thing that Seonghwa wasn’t rooming with Hongjoong in their Madrid hotel? Probably not. Once again, Seonghwa was rooming with San. Which was fine. He and San got along great. San was the only member who knew about Seonghwa’s “cuddling” secret – and he had kept it safe too.

The thing though was…they had spent over a week in Madrid. With the coronavirus restrictions implemented, they were basically stuck in their hotel.

Seonghwa could have been rooming alone with Hongjoong all that time. In a place where Hongjoong had nowhere else to go. Seonghwa would have had all the time in the world to spend it with Hongjoong.

And instead of Seonghwa, Hongjoong was spending all of that time with Yeosang.

They even had inside jokes now.

Jokes Seonghwa didn’t find particularly funny whenever they tried to explain it to him.

Oh, Seonghwa was definitely jealous. He wasn’t going to try to lie to himself. But he was torn. Spending time with Hongjoong always led to confusing thoughts. To confusing feelings. But _not_ spending time with Hongjoong led to jealous thoughts and sad feelings.

Like always, he couldn’t make a decision. Was spending time with Hongjoong good or bad?

Deep down though, he had long since made his decision. Spending time with Hongjoong was definitely worth all of the confusing thoughts and feelings – thoughts and feelings Seonghwa didn’t think he’d ever solve.

Which was why Seonghwa wasn’t irritated at all by the outcome of the chaos that happened their last night in Madrid.

The night started fairly normal. Seonghwa took his normal, long shower and went through his skincare routine. However, when he exited the bathroom, he saw Mingi lounging on San’s bed watching TV with San nowhere to be seen.

“Hey, Hyung,” Mingi said nonchalantly.

“Hi…” Seonghwa stopped in his tracks and carefully eyed him. “Where’s San?”

“Oh, me and him traded rooms.”

“Huh?”

A knock came from their hotel door.

Mingi gestured to the door. “Hyung, while you are up, can you get that?”

He glared at Mingi and went over to open the door.

Yunho was standing on the other side. “Is Mingi in here?”

“Yeah, apparently him and San traded rooms?” Seonghwa said as Yunho passed him into the room.

“Mingi-yah! Trade rooms with me!” Yunho said.

“What? Why? I like it in here! It’s so clean!” Mingi stretched out his body on the bed and gave a satisfied grin.

Seonghwa stomped over to harshly pinch Mingi’s side. “Yeah, that’s because I keep it clean, unlike you! Now get out.” He definitely didn’t want to share a room with Mingi. Even for a night. Mingi had a snoring problem.

“See! Seonghwa-hyung says you are unwelcome,” Yunho said. “Now switch with me! I shouldn’t be the only person here having to carry around Jongho. It’s your turn to take care of him.”

“I have a back problem. Sorry,” Mingi shrugged.

Yunho punched him in the arm.

Mingi yelped. “OW! That hurt!”

“Now you have an arm problem too,” Yunho said smugly.

And then they erupted in a fit of bickering and shoving. A tell-tale sign that they had been cooped in the hotel for far too long.

Another knock came at the door.

Seonghwa blinked at the fighting boys. “Well, I guess I’ll get the door. Again.”

This time though, it wasn’t someone who was going to give Seonghwa a headache. It was Hongjoong. His blonde hair tied back. Glasses on. Dressed in pajamas. (Thankfully baggy, thick, conservative pajamas.) And holding a pillow?

“Hello, we’re swapping rooms,” Hongjoong said.

“Huh? Me and you?” Seonghwa pointed at himself.

Hongjoong shook his head and moved past Seonghwa and into the room. “No, me and Mingi.”

“You and Mingi?” Seonghwa followed Hongjoong in confusion.

Yunho and Mingi were still quarrelling when Hongjoong entered, and as soon as he did, they both froze and Mingi muttered: “Oh shit.”

“Mingi-yah! Get up. You’re sleeping in my bed tonight,” Hongjoong snapped his fingers at him.

“Nooo! The deal was that San and I switch!” Mingi whined.

“You snore, I don’t. Yeosang is used to Wooyoung’s snoring so you won’t bother him like you will Seonghwa. Now up,” Hongjoong said sharply.

Mingi flailed his limbs a bit as he reluctantly, and overdramatically, got up from the bed.

“How about Mingi sleeps in my bed and I sleep in your bed?” Yunho asked. “Or better yet, Mingi sleeps in my bed, you sleep in your bed, and I sleep in this bed?” He patted San’s bed.

“Oh my godddd. What is going on?” Seonghwa groaned and rubbed his temples.

Hongjoong tossed his pillow onto the bed. “I’m sleeping here, Yunho is sleeping in his own bed, and Mingi is sleeping in mine. That’s final. Now goodnight everyone. It’s late.”

Defeated, Yunho and Mingi grumble under their breath as they sadly march out of the room.

After Seonghwa heard the door close, he turned and looked at Hongjoong. “What the hell was that all about? Why is San suddenly sleeping in Wooyoung and Mingi’s room?”

Hongjoong sighed and sat down on the bed. “I don’t know. I just figured you wouldn’t want to hear Mingi’s snoring. I know you’re a light sleeper.”

“Well, thank you,” he gave him a nod. “It would’ve only been for one night though. I would’ve lived.”

Hongjoong snorted. “Yeah, you might’ve. But not Mingi.”

That was very true. Poor Yeosang. Well, Seonghwa honestly didn’t feel _too_ bad for Yeosang. Especially since he got Hongjoong for the whole trip. Which now Seonghwa had. All of the chaos had actually worked out in his favor.

Or had it?

They were alone. In a hotel room. Which they hadn’t been since Thailand. And hotel rooms for them usually meant…cuddling. Something that Seonghwa was suddenly very nervous about. He was wearing ratty sweats – they hadn’t been able to do any laundry. He had a huge zit on his cheek that he had just popped so it was nice and red. He ran out of his good shampoo and was having to use San’s and it just wasn’t the same. And…why was Seonghwa self-conscious about any of this? It was Hongjoong. His roommate. Who had seen him with every sort of unfortunate outfit, acne breakout, and bad hair day.

But now suddenly the fact that Hongjoong _had_ seen him with every sort of unfortunate outfit, acne breakout, and bad hair day was starting to make Seonghwa feel sick. How could he have let himself walk around their dorm room like that?

Hongjoong sighed again and flopped back onto the bed. “They all wore me out today. I’m not fit to be a parent. I’m too young.”

“They’re probably just riled up and homesick,” Seonghwa sat on his own bed, across from Hongjoong. “Especially with everything going on right now.”

“I still can’t believe it,” he said. “The whole tour. Gone. Just like that. And all the work we put into everything…How Atiny spent time and money to come and see us.”

“Yeah, I know,” Seonghwa murmured.

“And I don’t even know what to expect when we go back home. What are we gonna do? What even is there _to_ do?”

He frowned. “Sometimes you have to be flexible. Just take one day at a time. It’ll all work itself out. All that matters is that all of us are safe. Yeah?”

Hongjoong sat back up in bed and gave Seonghwa a devastating smile. “I’ve missed rooming with you. You always know what to say.”

Seonghwa’s cheeks flushed and he bowed his head. “Yeah, I’ve missed you too.”

“Well,” he clapped his hands together. “We outta be getting to bed.”

“Yeah…” Seonghwa agreed. He got up from the bed and started finishing his nightly routine of tidying up. He turned off most of the lights and helped Hongjoong find San’s charging cord.

It was when Seonghwa and Hongjoong both laid back in their beds, with only one of the lamps still providing the room light, that Seonghwa turned his head and said: “You know, San’s a drooler.”

“Oh, I know, that’s why I brought my pillow,” Hongjoong reached his hand up and patted the pillow underneath him.

Seonghwa nodded and the room went silent. He had something on the very tip of his tongue. He knew what it was. He could feel it threatening to spill out. And he tried very hard to control it.

He leaned over to turn off the last lamp when he glanced at Hongjoong, hesitated, and it tumbled out of his mouth: “You could sleep with me in my bed instead.”

Hongjoong’s head cut over to Seonghwa. They locked eyes. Hongjoong visibly swallowed. “I could.” He said it like a statement instead of a question.

But Seonghwa nodded like he had said it like a question.

Hongjoong thought for a moment - turned his head back to looking up at the ceiling. “Would you want me to?”

“S-sure,” he stuttered. “It’s not like we haven’t before.” They had. But why did this time feel different for some reason? 

“True,” Hongjoong said. 

“I’m just trying to save you from San’s drool. Who knows the extent of the spread of it,” he awkwardly joked, trying to use San’s drool as excuse for why he was offering his bed up to Hongjoong, like there wasn’t a more selfish ulterior motive.

Hongjoong smiled to himself. “You know…You snore just a little bit.”

“What? No I don’t!” he exclaimed.

He looked over at Seonghwa. “Just a little,” he scrunched up his nose. “Not as bad as Wooyoung or Mingi. It’s more of…like a loud breathing with a snort?”

Seonghwa laughed. “Loud breathing with a snort? I think I should be offended! What does that even mean? None of the others have said anything about it!”

“You don’t do it all the time,” he giggled. “But I don’t mind it. It’s kind of a comforting sound now. You only do it when you’re sleeping really well.”

Their eyes met again. And suddenly Seonghwa felt very exposed. Very seen. He never knew Hongjoong was that observant of him.

Since Seonghwa didn’t say anything (because he didn’t know what _to_ say after that), Hongjoong continued: “If I come over there will you build another pillow wall?”

He shook his head and laughed silently. “No, no more pillow walls. I no longer work in construction.”

“Good,” Hongjoong nodded. He got up from the bed and Seonghwa watched with wide eyes as he took off his glasses and undid his hair – it falling messily around his face. Seonghwa couldn’t decide if he liked it better up or down. He liked seeing Hongjoong’s forehead, but he also liked how pretty his hair was.

Seonghwa slid over to make room for Hongjoong, and Hongjoong lifted up the sheets and climbed in.

“Are you ready to turn off the lamp?” Hongjoong asked him once they were settled in their spots. Hongjoong on one side of the bed and Seonghwa on the other.

Seonghwa nodded and Hongjoong leaned over to turn off the light. The curtains in the hotel were thick, so no light from the empty street traveled in. It had taken Seonghwa a couple of nights to get used to it – since he was so acclimated to sleeping with the bright stars in their dorm above them.

“It’s so dark,” Seonghwa murmured, mostly to himself. 

“I can get up and leave the bathroom light on, if you want,” Hongjoong offered.

“No, no, it’s fine.”

They laid there in silence for a good couple of minutes. Long enough that Seonghwa assumed that Hongjoong had already easily fallen asleep, like he always somehow managed to do. Seonghwa tossed over onto his side, facing Hongjoong, when he surprisingly heard Hongjoong whisper: “Are you still awake?”

“Yeah,” Seonghwa whispered back.

Hongjoong didn’t reply. Seonghwa heard him shift and could feel him sit up in the bed. Something heavy thumped to the ground. He assumed it was probably Hongjoong’s sweatshirt, causing him to stiffen and grow warm. He was probably wearing one of his white or black undershirts under it. Was it one of the tighter ones or one of the looser ones?

Hongjoong laid back down and Seonghwa’s mouth ran dry. His bare arms were right next to him. Just a hand’s reach away. It scared the shit out of him. He knew once he fell asleep, once they both fell asleep, that they would wake up entangled in each other like they always did. What if something happened in Seonghwa’s sleep that he couldn’t control? Like the top bunk incident the previous year? What if -

“‘Hwa?” Hongjoong whispered.

“Hm?”

“Come here.”

Seonghwa nearly choked and had a heart attack at the same time. And yet he obeyed without a second thought. He moved over into Hongjoong’s waiting arms, placing his head on Hongjoong’s chest as Hongjoong wrapped an arm around him.

“Is this okay? Are you comfortable?” Hongjoong asked.

“Yes,” he sighed contently. 

He could feel Hongjoong’s chest rise and fall. His smell hit him with home sickness for Seoul. And his bare arms…they were _right there_. One of them was literally holding him. Seonghwa’s hand was resting on Hongjoong’s stomach, but if he just scooched it over just a wee bit…

Seonghwa suddenly felt Hongjoong’s nose in his hair. He inhaled and then exhaled: “You smell different.” 

“Oh, uh, I-I ran out of shampoo, I had to, um, use San’s,” Seonghwa stammered.

“Hm.” Hongjoong jutted his knee out and squeezed it in between Seonghwa’s legs. On reflex, Seonghwa hooked his own leg more securely over Hongjoong’s.

“Well, goodnight. Wake me up if I start _breathing or snorting_ too loudly,” Seonghwa whispered.

“I won’t,” he quipped. “Goodnight.”

Hongjoong stilled, but Seonghwa’s hand moved on its own accord. His hand was searching for Hongjoong’s free arm, which it found lain beside him. Seonghwa’s fingers met smooth skin and traveled upwards until it reached the hem of Hongjoong’s sleeve. And his fingers didn’t stop there. No, not until they were gripping around Hongjoong’s bicep, shoved up under Hongjoong’s sleeve. He could feel the muscle underneath the skin. Hongjoong was getting stronger. And something burned within Seonghwa.

He fell asleep with his face buried in Hongjoong’s chest and his thumb rubbing warm skin.

*

He realized something when he awoke the following morning practically on top of Hongjoong, as Hongjoong was already awake, looking down on him with a sleepy, content smile.

He had a crush on Hongjoong.

He had to.

It was the only logical explanation for everything. And it only took him almost two years to figure it out.

It was similar to the crushes he had on girls in grade school. Always trying to impress them, look his best, talk to them, make them laugh. Another similarity being: he didn’t want to date any of them. For the girls, it was because he was ten years old at the time. For Hongjoong, it was because he wasn’t gay. He just had a crush on him. An intense admiration. Something very different than he had with the other boys. Which was fine. The other boys had man crushes too. Hongjoong liked G Dragon, Wooyoung liked Jimin, Jongho liked Kihyun. It was normal. And it felt good to have a label on it.

Seonghwa was sure that if Hongjoong, Wooyoung, or Jongho were given the chance to cuddle with their man crushes they totally would. Though, Seonghwa didn’t really like to envision Hongjoong and G Dragon cuddling.

But that’s probably why Seonghwa felt so much weirder than all of the others. Imagine rooming with your man crush – _your idol_. No wonder he acted the way he did.

But luckily, crushes never lasted. A new girl in school always eventually came along. A new artist always eventually came along. A new roommate always eventually came along. Seonghwa wouldn’t have those feelings toward Hongjoong for forever. They would fade. Seonghwa would find someone else, either on purpose or on accident.

Only problem: Seonghwa sure as hell wasn’t trying to find someone else on purpose, nor did he want to find someone else on accident either.

But it wasn’t like there was anything he could do. He couldn’t tell Hongjoong he had a crush on him. You were never supposed to tell the person you had a crush on them. It was always like admitting you were a stalker.

If Hongjoong ever met G Dragon, Seonghwa thought that he would probably try to play it off as cool. Say stuff like “Bro, your music is so dope” or “Dude, you are, like, my biggest inspiration.”

Well, maybe not that _verbatim_ , but something like that.

Hongjoong definitely wouldn’t go up to G Dragon and say: “OMFG You’re totally beautiful and amazing and sweet and talented and funny and my man crush!” (And Seonghwa’s jealousy really hoped that Hongjoong didn’t think that anyways.)

But let’s just say that Seonghwa _did_ tell Hongjoong about his crush. Or that Hongjoong really did tell G Dragon about his crush. What were they going to say to that? “Oh wow, gee thanks? You’re definitely not a creeper at all…”

Seonghwa imagined if San or Yeosang came up to him and confessed that they had a raging crush on him. He’d probably get freaked the fuck out! Like what does that even mean: a man crush? He knew what it meant but what did it _mean_? You know?

No, you don’t. And Seonghwa didn’t either.

There was a label but no solution. Except to let the crush burn and eventually fizzle out like all of the others. Even though Seonghwa couldn’t imagine anyone better coming along than Hongjoong.

*

Once they got back to Seoul, the group, and the rest of the world it seemed like, were put in limbo. Cases rapidly rose, flights canceled, businesses closed…people died.

Yunho’s birthday passed by. The tour was indefinitely postponed. They tried to keep up the momentum of recording for their upcoming mini-album, whenever that would even end up being released. With everything going on, that was all up in the air.

Seonghwa’s birthday felt inconvenient. It didn’t feel jovial. He felt like he had back in February.

Dysphoric. 

What was there to be happy about? What was there to celebrate?

Coronavirus was everywhere. Jongho’s leg was still hurt. They couldn’t see Atiny.

He demanded that none of the members get him anything. No tour meant no money for them. The unfortunate realities of being an idol.

Despite his wishes, some of them gave him souvenirs they had already gotten while they were in Madrid. Others got him small things, or hand made him gifts. You couldn’t really shop for anything with most of the stores closed.

Hongjoong surprised him with a fried chicken voucher while he was doing his birthday Vlive, which was sweet of him.

And yeah. That was pretty much Seonghwa’s sad twenty-third birthday.

Until later that night. When Hongjoong rushed into their dorm room after being holed up in his practice room all day.

“Can you keep a secret?” Hongjoong asked, a little out of breath.

Seonghwa looked up from his Gundam figurines, of which he had been depressingly moving the limbs. “Yeah, sure.”

Hongjoong shut his door and slung off his backpack. “Okay, close your eyes.”

He sighed, his face in his palm, and he shut his eyes. He heard Hongjoong set his backpack on the ground, unzip it, and then after a few moments say: “You can open them now.”

Seonghwa opened his eyes to see Hongjoong standing in front of him at the desk with a green, glass bottle of soju and a wicked grin. Seonghwa’s eyes widened and he stood up from his desk chair. “Where did you get that?”

“Ollounder-hyung snuck it for me. For your birthday! Obviously you can’t tell the boys though, I don’t think that would end well. I thought we could order some chicken, drink this, and celebrate your birthday! Well? What do you think?”

Seonghwa’s mouth was probably gaping open a bit as Hongjoong spoke. “I can’t drink that!” he exclaimed. “I’d probably die. You remember the champagne incident.”

“Oh come onnn,” Hongjoong bounced up and down. “It’s your birthday! It’s not like we have much to do tomorrow anyways. Plus, I’m here. I’ll take care of you.”

“Well who’s gonna take care of you?” Seonghwa laughed. “You’re also a light-weight.”

He waved his hand in dismissal. “So we’ll take care of each other. It’ll be fine. Let me order the chicken. I’ll probably be nice and order everyone some so they don’t bother us later.”

Leave it to Hongjoong to try everything humanly possible to give Seonghwa a good birthday.

The boys smelled the chicken as soon as it arrived. Hongjoong divvied out their rations and they went back to their rooms satisfied, after Seonghwa made sure they thanked Hongjoong, of course.

“That should get rid of them the rest of the night,” Hongjoong said once they were back in their room, sitting on the ground in front of a feast of fried chicken and their bottle of soju.

Seonghwa grabbed a piece of chicken. “Good.”

“Did you want me to sing you Happy Birthday?” he smiled at him.

“God no,” he pleaded.

Hongjoong laughed and reached for the bottle of soju. “Let’s get your present open.”

“I’m starting to feel like this is more of a present for you,” Seonghwa joked.

Hongjoong gritted his teeth as worked to untwist the top of the bottle. “Hm, maybe,” he smirked. He brought the bottle up to his nose and raised his eyebrows. “Wow, you can really smell that. Here,” Hongjoong stuck the bottle out to him. “Smell.”

Seonghwa grabbed the bottle with his free hand and took a whiff. It definitely smelled strong. Like alcohol. “I think you’re trying to kill me.” He tried to pass the bottle back to Hongjoong, but Hongjoong gestured for him to keep it.

“Have you ever had soju before?” he asked.

Of course he hadn’t. “Sure, yeah,” he lied. He cleared his throat: “Have you?”

“Only a couple of times,” Hongjoong shrugged. “With the producer hyungs.”

A shot of jealousy ripped through him. “Really?”

“Not often, don’t worry,” he laughed and waved his hands.

Seonghwa took a bite of his fried chicken and stared at the bottle of soju in his hand. Contemplating. 

“It’s okay!” Hongjoong nodded. “Take a sip. Cheers, Seonghwa-yah.”

 _Seonghwa-yah_. The fried chicken was salty. He was thirsty anyways.

He took a quick, short swig of the soju and immediately started coughing. It was definitely stronger than champagne. Tasted like how he’d imagine rubbing alcohol to taste.

Quickly, Hongjoong was by Seonghwa’s side with one hand on his back as he took away the bottle with his other. “You alright? Shit, your eyes are watering. Let me get you some water.” Hongjoong dashed off while Seonghwa was still coughing with a burning chest.

He came back with a paper cup of water from their bathroom, which Seonghwa snatched from him and gulped down with a couple of sputters. Hongjoong rubbed his back as Seonghwa gasped for air. “I’m sorry, this was probably a bad idea. Are you okay?” Hongjoong said.

“Uh huh,” Seonghwa rasped with a nod. “Tasted great.”

He gave a nervous laugh. “You’re sure? You don’t have to drink any more. I don’t want you to choke to death on your birthday.”

Seonghwa was probably going to choke to death, yes. But he couldn’t embarrass himself even further. It was probably very apparent by now that he was lying earlier when he said he had had soju before. “No, I’m fine. I promise,” his voice was a bit more back to normal. “I choked mostly on the chicken.”

“Ohhh, _sure_. Okay.” Hongjoong gave him a wink.

He scowled and looked around for the bottle. “Where is it? I want more.”

Hongjoong made a sound at the back of his throat as he hesitated. “I don’t know…I really don’t want you to die.”

“Well if I do, make sure you take care of my plants. Now go get the bottle,” he waved his hand.

Hongjoong muttered something under his breath that sounded an awfully like “So bossy” as he rose up from the floor and grabbed the bottle of soju off of one of their shelves. “Let’s try this again,” he said as he handed the bottle back to Seonghwa.

“Bottoms up!” he bid before taking another sip. The taste was no better. It was bitter. So bitter. And sharp. Like it was cutting up his tongue. He hurried to shove another bite of chicken in his mouth.

When he looked back up at Hongjoong, he was standing above him with a worried face.

“What?” Seonghwa said, muffled with a mouth full of chicken.

“You know you have a very expressive face,” he said.

“Just sit down and eat your chicken.”

They ate their chicken, took turns passing the bottle back and forth, and talked about their day – what Seonghwa had been up to with the other boys and what Hongjoong had accomplished in his practice room. After the first couple of sips, the strong taste had started to fade. Probably because he was making sure to follow every sip with a huge bite of chicken.

Hongjoong was seeming to have no problem though, taking larger gulps than Seonghwa and barely touching the chicken.

It was a bit after they finished with the chicken that Seonghwa started feeling a bit…lighter. Like everything was suddenly funny. Hongjoong raised the bottle up to the light, examining how they had drunk over half the bottle, and Seonghwa thought that was _hilarious_. Like roll onto his side and have trouble breathing funny.

“We probably shouldn’t drink anymore,” Hongjoong snickered, peering into the bottle.

“Nooo, it’s my birthdayyy,” he whined. “Like you said, you’re gonna watch me.”

“Nooo, I can’t. Look at you! What are you even doing?”

Seonghwa was confused. What _was_ he doing? All he knew was that Hongjoong was laughing on top of the ceiling, and his own neck really hurt. “Am I upside down or are you right side up?”

Hongjoong helped roll Seonghwa around until he was sitting back up. His head felt _really_ heavy. “You’re silly. No more soju for you. I command it,” Hongjoong said.

“Can you play some music? Pleaseee?” Somehow Seonghwa’s head found Hongjoong’s shoulder and his shoulder felt so comfy. It held his head up just right. How convenient. He needed to take Hongjoong everywhere with him.

Hongjoong’s finger tapped Seonghwa’s nose. “You’re sooo cute. Anything for you.” He stood up from the ground, leaving Seonghwa to slump over with a “oof!” 

Hongjoong’s hands returned to set the bottle down on the ground and lift Seonghwa up and adjust him so he was sitting against the bottom bunk. “Stay,” Hongjoong pointed at him and walked away.

Seonghwa’s head lolled to the side and he saw the bottle of soju. He swiped it up and took a big gulp. He couldn’t really taste it. What a shame. He set it off to the side disappointed. And that was when everything went dark.

Except, his eyes were still open. And there was a yellow glow coming from the sky. Stars! There were stars up there. But he was missing something. Something very important.

Hongjoong! Where did Hongjoong go?

“Hongjoong-ahhh?” he slurred. “Joooong-ah?”

“Shhh, you’re so loud, ‘Hwa,” he heard Hongjoong’s voice.

He suddenly remembered why Hongjoong had disappeared. “I don’t hear any music,” he pouted.

“And I told you no more soju!” Hongjoong’s voice was closer now.

Hongjoong was at his side, bending down to move the bottle and brush aside Seonghwa’s hair so he could place an AirPod inside of his ear. “Ah, that tickles,” Seonghwa giggled.

“There’s you some music, are you happy? I don’t want to play it out loud and disturb the boys. I don’t want them to see you like this.”

“Like whattt? I’m perfectly fine. I’m not drunk at all,” he said.

“No, you’re not drunk. But you’re definitely tipsy,” Hongjoong sighed and sank onto the floor next to Seonghwa with a thud!, probably harder than he intended. “And shit, I kinda am too,” he added with a laugh.

The AirPod was feeding him a BTS song and Seonghwa started swaying his head to the music.

“You like this song?” Hongjoong chuckled.

“Mhm, it makes me wanna dance.” Seonghwa scrambled up off the floor and started dancing. Grinding the air, twisting his hips, running his hands through his hair. He couldn’t exactly see himself, but he knew he was definitely bringing it. Best dancer of the decade. Taemin who?

He also couldn’t really see Hongjoong’s face either, but he hoped he was watching him closely. He was trying to show off! Wooyoung was no longer in charge of sexy dance, Seonghwa was!

One of his feet hit the chicken leftovers and he laughed. “Whoopsies, my bad!”

“Sit back down before you make a big mess! You’ll hate yourself in the morning if you don’t,” Hongjoong warned.

A mess? Were there bits of chicken all over the floor? “You can’t tell me what to do! I’m gonna clean up right now,” he bent down and started fumbling around with the dirty napkin and chicken containers.

“You’re such a handful,” Hongjoong said. And suddenly, Hongjoong’s arms were wrapping around Seonghwa, pulling him backward until they were flying! Landing on the softness of the bottom bunk.

Seonghwa belted out a laugh. “Again, again! That was fun!”

To prevent Seonghwa from getting up, Hongjoong crawled on top of him, putting a leg over Seonghwa’s and holding him tightly in his arms. “I am never giving you soju again, you’ve tired me out,” he chuckled under his breath.

The song in his ear changed to something slow. It took him a minute before he recognized Jonghyun’s voice and the mood inside of him shifted. “Jonghyun’s dead,” Seonghwa murmured.

“He is,” Hongjoong whispered back. “…A lot of the best people are.”

“But you’re not dead.”

He loosened his grip on Seonghwa. “No, I’m not.”

“And I don’t want you to be.”

“I would hope not,” he teased.

“And I don’t like the darkness,” Seonghwa continued.

“Why?”

“Because I can’t see your face.”

There was a pause before Hongjoong said: “Oh, you see my face enough.”

“No I don’t! I could look at you allll day. Has anyone ever told you that you’re pretty?”

“Yes, I believe you have mentioned it before.”

“Okay, good. But you’re not just pretty, did you know that?”

“‘Hwa…” his voice trailed.

“You’re not just pretty. You’re also gorgeous. And beautiful. And hot. Did you know you were hot? Because I just found that out recently. Did I tell you? I probably didn’t,” he rambled. “Well, you’re hot. I think about it all the time. How hot you are. I just wanted you to know.”

“Damn, how much soju did you drink?” Hongjoong laughed awkwardly.

Seonghwa pushed Hongjoong off of him and climbed on top of him instead. “I’m serious! Hongjoong-ahhh.” He reached for Hongjoong’s face but Hongjoong caught his wrists.

“Don’t,” Hongjoong said firmly.

He struggled against him. “But I wanna…” As he tried to break free from Hongjoong’s grasp, his hips unintentionally ground down on Hongjoong.

Hongjoong yelped, throwing Seonghwa off of him and scrambling out of the bunk.

“Where are you going? Come back!” he whined.

“I think it’s time we sleep this off,” Hongjoong said stiffly, inching further and further away from the bunk.

“We can sleep in my bunk together! You’re warmmm.”

“No, I don’t really think that’d be appropriate.”

Seonghwa really wished he could see the details of Hongjoong’s face instead of just his outline. “But we sleep together all the time.”

He sighed. “I know. It’s not your fault. It’s just – I don’t think that’s a good idea anymore.”

“What? Why?” his voice broke.

“I’m sorry. Just, agh, this is just…Please don’t look at me like that, ‘Hwa. I don’t want to upset you on your birthday.”

“Too late,” Seonghwa snapped.

Seonghwa thought that he was starting to sober up, because he could see everything more clearly. He could see what he had _done_ more clearly. And something very bad based on the way Hongjoong was acting. Something that was making Hongjoong leave him.

“Please, let’s just go to sleep,” Hongjoong said. “Hopefully you’ll forgive me in the morning. Let me tuck you in.”

Seonghwa didn’t speak as Hongjoong took out Seonghwa’s AirPod and maneuvered him underneath the covers properly, making sure he was good and settled.

“Goodnight, ‘Hwa. I’ll see you in the morning…I hope you had a good birthday, despite all of this,” he said softly.

Before Hongjoong had a chance to walk away again, Seonghwa breathed: “I’m sorry.” 

“Trust me,” his voice quivered. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Seonghwa gave Hongjoong’s constellation one last look before he fell asleep listening to Hongjoong clean up their chicken leftovers.

*

Seonghwa learned that alcohol did not erase your memory, even though he really wished it did. He woke up at almost noon with his head pounding, Hongjoong missing, and the unfortunate stored memories of the night prior.

He could recall his own desperation for Hongjoong’s attention, his incredibly loose lips when it came to complimenting him, and how everything that went wrong was all his own doing. _He_ made things weird when he climbed on top of Hongjoong. _He_ made things weird when he wouldn’t leave Hongjoong alone. And now it was _his_ fault that his own birthday night was ruined.

He tried to find Hongjoong that day with the intent of apologizing – telling him that he promised he wasn’t that weird, that it was just his low alcohol tolerance talking.

But Hongjoong acted like nothing happened. He greeted him like he always did. Clapping him on the back, joking about how he had slept so late, scolding the younger members when they tried to make jokes on Seonghwa’s behalf too.

And so he thought it better not to apologize. To not bring it up at all. Like how Hongjoong acted like it never happened, Seonghwa thought it best to pretend it never happened either.

And he vowed never to touch soju again.

At least, not when he was around Hongjoong.

There were a lot of things he regretted about that night, and one of them (on top of the many others) was how much fried chicken he had ended up eating. See, he was on a diet. A terrible, no-good, very bad diet.

He was trying to get abs. And also lose weight. Basically, he was trying to get fit.

But it was good. With everything with COVID-19 going on, and not really having much to do schedule wise, it was good to have something to do to keep him busy and motivated. And plus, it gave him something to do with the other members: in particular, San and Wooyoung. They always made him look silly in comparison when they were in the gym, but it helped remind Seonghwa that he had other people in his life other than Hongjoong. Hongjoong wasn’t the entire world, even though sometimes it felt like it in Seonghwa’s head. 

San and Wooyoung liked going to the gym early. Which, Seonghwa had to get used to. But they said they liked going early because the gym was emptier, which, understandable. The other boys weren’t going to get up that early.

Hongjoong didn’t go to the gym much. He mostly put his time and energy into the studio instead. But one morning, around when the other members were probably starting to just wake up, Hongjoong walked into the gym as Seonghwa, San, and Wooyoung were finishing up on the treadmills.

“Hyung!” Wooyoung shouted over the sound of the treadmills going. He had tired himself out and was down to a walking pace, while Seonghwa and San were still running.

Seonghwa’s head cut over to see a sleepy and disheveled Hongjoong give them a small wave from underneath his baseball hat and face mask.

Seonghwa turned down the setting on his treadmill and slowed to a walk.

“Ha! Does this mean I win again?” San said while still running, glancing over at Seonghwa and Wooyoung.

Wooyoung stuck his tongue out and got off the treadmill.

Seonghwa’s eyes lingered on Hongjoong, who was bending over to put down his phone and water bottle near the mirror.

“Hyung, are you going to work out with us now?” Wooyoung asked Hongjoong.

Hongjoong turned toward them and Seonghwa wished he could see his face underneath the face mask. “Nah, you guys couldn’t keep up with me.”

“Oh please, you probably could not even keep up with Seonghwa-hyung,” Wooyoung joked.

“You’re right, I probably couldn’t,” Hongjoong winked at Seonghwa.

Seonghwa blanched and grabbed his water bottle, chugging what water was left.

San slowed his treadmill down to walking pace. “So what are we going to do now?” he asked Seonghwa and Wooyoung.

Wooyoung leaned against the treadmill handle. “Well…normally I would say eat but...”

“No, I feel like you could eat something light,” San replied while wiping some sweat off his brow. “You probably should after you burned all those calories. Like some fruit or –”

Seonghwa stopped listening to San when he saw Hongjoong stretch his arms up in the air – his shirt riding up, exposing the waistband of his gray sweatpants…and the waistband of his black underwear. He’d seen Hongjoong’s underwear loads of times. Dirty on the floor of their room, clean in his drawers, on his body during quick changes. But here it was just the waistband. Just the tease of his underwear.

But it wasn’t just a tease though. Because Seonghwa knew what pair of underwear that was. It was the black boxer briefs with the white lettering on the waistband. He’d seen them hundreds of times in the laundry. But he couldn’t ever remember seeing them actually on Hongjoong. And his mind started curiously filling in the blanks. Imagining that particular pair of underwear on Hongjoong’s body. But then his mind started filling in the rest of Hongjoong’s body. How, of course, it looked weird wearing a shirt with boxer briefs, so his mind roamed up from the waistband of the boxer briefs and found miles and miles and miles of open skin…

Hongjoong’s arms came back down, along with the hem of his shirt.

Seonghwa blinked harshly and looked over at San and Wooyoung who, luckily, were still in deep conversation about calorie-lite foods.

“Bananas definitely have more calories than apples,” San said.

“They! Do! Not! Look! It! Up!” Wooyoung hit his hand on the treadmill handle for emphasis.

“I did! And they definitely do!”

“What kind of big ass bananas are you eating where they have more calories than an apple?”

San smirked and turned off his treadmill and opened his mouth to reply…but a slap on the ground near where Hongjoong was drew Seonghwa’s attention away again.

Hongjoong had dropped his hat on the ground and was tying his hair into a ponytail at the crown of his head, using the hair tie from his wrist. Seonghwa could see the veins crawl up from Hongjoong’s knuckles, all the way to his bare elbows.

“Hyung, what do you think?” he vaguely heard San ask.

“Hm?” He dragged his attention back to San and Wooyoung.

San and Wooyoung both blinked at him.

“Bananas and apples,” Wooyoung finally sighed. “Which has more calories?”

“Oh. Bananas,” Seonghwa answered.

“I told you!” San exclaimed.

“Oh shut up,” came from Wooyoung.

San grabbed his face mask and water bottle off the ground. “Well, we are going to get a snack, are you coming, Hyung?”

He nodded absentmindedly. “Mhm.” He slid his face mask back up his nose and glanced back over at Hongjoong, who was now doing pushups. His veins protruded even more, his ponytail bobbing as he rose up and down. His shirt had slid up again, but not enough for his underwear waistband to be seen.

As the three of them walked past Hongjoong on the way out of the gym, Seonghwa noticed that Hongjoong’s form was good - he had a good angle going. He looked…good. When did he start looking that good?

His _form_ , that was, Seonghwa’s mind had to correct. 

*

He didn’t see Hongjoong much at the gym after that one day. But he knew he was still going. He saw his gym laundry on the floor of their room.

But Seonghwa supposed it was a good thing. San and Wooyoung had started helping with his ab workouts and he was…well, pathetic at first. He had been averaging about twenty sit-ups. On a good day.

But slowly twenty turned to thirty turned to forty. His abs were hurting, but according to San that meant it was working. So. Maybe he’d get some abs after all. He’d even started doing ab workouts outside of the gym – on the floor of his dorm room. It gave him something to do on the more boring days.

And one day it was a _really_ boring day. Raining outside. No schedule. Everybody holed up in their rooms having their alone time. Except Hongjoong of course. Who was out, like always.

It was humid in the dorm, which meant Seonghwa sweat extra while doing his ab workouts. But since no one was there to rush him along, he got the reward of taking an extra long shower.

An “extra long” shower. (That meant masterbating.)

Which he had stopped doing while were busy, and then when he got depressed. But he had started up again when he got less depressed and more bored.

Like he was that day.

He set the mood with some Taemin blasting from his phone speakers, like usual. What else was there to masterbate to?

It was a text-tone on his phone interrupting Taemin’s voice that brought Seonghwa back to reality while in the midst. A specific text-tone.

Hongjoong’s.

His hand slowed as he tried to remember why Hongjoong would be texting him. Oh right, Seonghwa had sent him a picture of his dirty laundry on the floor, wordlessly expressing to him that he needed to do something with it when he got back from the studio. A normal texting conversation for the two. Seonghwa had begun to think that maybe he should just start doing Hongjoong’s laundry. It wasn’t like he was doing anything else with his day anyways.

That was one of the few things about Hongjoong that irked Seonghwa. Hongjoong didn’t mind messes. It was like he was oblivious to them. But Seonghwa liked everything to be neat, tidy, _clean_. And there was something very _not_ clean about having dirty laundry strewn about the floor. Especially dirty underwear.

If Seonghwa washed Hongjoong’s laundry he’d have to pick up his underwear - fold them, examine them. Maybe even the ones he wore that one day in the gym? The black boxer briefs with the white lettering on the waistband. The ones that peaked over his sweatpants. The sweatpants that hung really low on his hips…

Seonghwa grunted and his hand, the one on his cock, moved on its own accord. He gasped and his head shot up, his eyes blinking through the water spray to look at the shower wall in front of him. His mind started racing. What the fuck – what the fuck….

Think. Think.

IU Jennie Long hair Tits Smooth skin Really short skirts Heels Red lipstick Hwasa Ass Tits Taeyeon Yeosang calling Taeyeon old Irene Wooyoung liking Irene Ew Wooyoung Tits Tits Tits Smooth skin Smooth flat skin Hongjoong had smooth skin -

No.

Think. Think.

Long hair Girl hair Red lipstick Pretty dresses Bras Thongs Tits? That open dress Camilla Cabello wore in Señorita The one with the side boob Did Hongjoong think that was sexy? What even was sexy? Girls weren’t really sexy They were pretty But what was sexy?

Why did Hongjoong think that sort of stuff was sexy? Seonghwa didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about that sort of stuff. Instead, he spent all of his time thinking about Hongjoong.

His hand sped up and he braced himself with his free arm against the shower wall, the hot water rolling down his back.

But he shouldn’t be thinking about Hongjoong.

But Hongjoong Hongjoong Hongjoong Hongjoong. Hongjoong’s bare arms His boxer brief waistband Him doing pushups His half-ponytail The veins in his hands whenever he gripped his mic The veins in his neck when he screamed into his mic His entire solo stage in Thailand

God Thailand He looked amazing up there Seonghwa got to spend the night with him in their hotel room He got to wake up looking at Hongjoong His sleepy bedhead How warm his body was He had been so close He could have done anything He could have ran his hands across Hongjoong’s underwear band if he had wanted to He could have felt how warm Hongjoong’s bare skin was The skin on his back His chest His abs He had been right there He could have done anything

But he wasn’t supposed to be thinking about any of that.

Because girls existed.

Hongjoong was his roommate.

Hongjoong was his friend.

Hongjoong was straight.

Like Seonghwa was.

But fuck, Hongjoong felt so good He felt so right He made sense He was so fucking handsome and hot and sexy and fuck fuck fuck He was perfect So fucking perfect He made him feel so good Seonghwa didn’t give a fuck about anything because Hongjoong was _everything_

Seonghwa gritted his teeth, muttered a “fuck,” and felt a calming white rush over him in waves.

 _Hongjoong-ah_.

Slowly opening his eyes, he panted heavily into the shower wall. He pulled his shaking hand away from his softening cock and examined the splattering of white covering it. He winced at the sight and rinsed it all down the drain.

He didn’t. He hadn’t. Please. He really hadn’t just beat his dick to…

 _Hongjoong-ah_.

Oh, what had he done?

*

He wasn’t going to deny anything away this time. He definitely was sexually attracted to Hongjoong. At least, in the sense of: when he thought of Hongjoong his dick didn’t go soft. Obviously, thankfully, it was a different story with the other members. Thinking of any of them was a sure-fire way to kill a boner.

But him being sexually attracted to Hongjoong still didn’t mean he was a gay, necessarily.

Being gay meant you wanted to be with men. Like fuck and date them. Seonghwa didn’t want to fuck and date Hongjoong. His dick (acting on its own accord) was just not totally opposed to the idea.

But Seonghwa still wanted to fuck and date girls. Sure, he couldn’t think of any particular ones. But with their busy schedules it was hard to meet any available girls. So. There was that.

He was straight and just dick-confused for Hongjoong. But who could blame his dick? Hongjoong was perfect.

Seonghwa imagined that other men had had the same dilemma before. Maybe not with their roommate/best friend. But maybe with like, Kai or Rowoon or Siwon or Hyun Bin or Shownu or Lee Minho or V or Taemin or –

So it was fine. It was fine. It was fine.

Except it wasn’t.

Because Seonghwa still had a roommate and best friend who he _beat his dick to_. A roommate and best friend who he was supposed to somehow act completely normal around.

And they had been doing so good. They were getting closer and closer as friends. Things weren’t as awkward as they normally were. And it was like everything went to shit after coronavirus. The soju incident. The gym incident. The shower incident. It was all too much.

Would this spell the end of their friendship? There was no way Seonghwa could act as comfortably with Hongjoong as he had in the past. Not when he knew that the source of all their awkwardness was _him_. All those “incidents”? His fault. His qualms with Hongjoong in the past: the skinship, the gifts, the dream, the bedsharing, the jealousy. All his fault. And all completely avoidable if Seonghwa hadn’t been, and still wasn’t, obsessed with Hongjoong.

He knew what the problem was: his sexual attraction to Hongjoong.

Now he just needed a solution.

He tried his best to continue as business as usual. Joking around with Hongjoong at the appropriate times, being friendly on camera, texting him pictures of his dirty laundry. Keeping himself busy with working out, hanging out with San and Wooyoung, and practicing with the group for the upcoming concert. Oh, and binging as many dramas as possible to get more exposure to the opposite sex. He hoped it would help unbury his repressed heterosexuality. If that was even a thing.

He was watching a drama on his phone one day while doing some ab workouts on the floor of his room. No matter how much he worked out, Seonghwa knew he would never look like the man on his phone. The man in the drama was big, broad, strong, manly. Seonghwa was thin, small, weak, girly. And being in a kpop group didn’t help – always being covered in makeup and sparkly clothes. Would a girl even find Seonghwa attractive anymore?

Of course, he knew they would because he read their tweets and Instagram comments. But he wanted a real-life girl. Like a girl the guy had in the drama. Maybe if he had a real-life girl he wouldn’t have any sexual need for Hongjoong.

Watching the drama probably wasn’t a good idea while doing sit-ups. Didn’t really seem to be doing much for Seonghwa’s self-esteem. He flipped over to Twitter and searched his name. Sure enough a flood of tweets posting pictures and fancams of himself, the netizens saying things like “Seonghwa smile appreciation post” and “let me adore u” and “Seonghwa prettiest eyes 2020.” Instant gratification and self-esteem. Just the kind of thing Seonghwa needed.

He was a few scrolls down when he saw a clip of their White Day Vlive. It read: “Seongjoong soulmates. They look so good together. The perfect couple.” The clip was of Hongjoong resting his head on Seonghwa’s shoulder as they made flower arrangements.

It was an old tweet, probably only popping up because of how many retweets and likes it had gotten.

He swallowed thickly as he watched the clip replay over and over again. He stopped doing sit-ups and laid back on the ground.

He remembered the day well. It was before things had really started going to hell. They had been in Madrid. Things between him and Hongjoong had been normal. He remembered Hongjoong being extra touchy-feely with him, moments that Seonghwa had replayed over and over again in his mind as he laid in bed at night in their hotel. 

Something about seeing him and Hongjoong look so peaceful, not knowing what would be coming the following months, brought stinging tears to his eyes. It was an eerie sight, and yet all Seonghwa wanted to do was go back to that moment. He wanted to live it again. And appreciate it for what it was. One of the last normal moments.

He set his phone back down on the ground with a sigh and resumed his sit-ups.

The tweet had said they looked like they looked good together. “The perfect couple.”

That couldn’t have been true. It couldn’t _be_ true. Seonghwa and Hongjoong were just…too different looking. Conflicting heights, styles, facial structure, not to mention personality. Seonghwa could understand why some fans would say that about San and Wooyoung, though. They fit really well together. They were cute friends.

Not like it really mattered. It wasn’t like Seonghwa and Hongjoong were actually going to date. Many things were standing in the way of that. Sexual preferences, compatibility, the fact that they were pop idols…

But they had looked awfully cozy in that clip…

But dating Hongjoong would be more than cuddling. It would be going on dates, committing, communicating…kissing.

Seonghwa hadn’t kissed anyone in years.

What would it be like to –

Their door suddenly opened. He turned his head to see Hongjoong standing in the doorway, his backpack slung over his shoulder. Seonghwa’s heart pounded in his chest as he scrambled to sit up and pause his AirPods. “H-hey,” Seonghwa said. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. He had totally forgotten. He had taken it off because he got warm in their poorly air-circulated room. He was literally just in his running shorts.

But it didn’t even matter. Because Hongjoong was looking everywhere else but at Seonghwa. “I’m sorry, I just forgot my laptop charger.”

“Oh here, let me grab it for you.” He got up from the ground and yanked the laptop charger out of the wall before bringing it over to where Hongjoong stood frozen in the doorway.

“Thanks,” Hongjoong said, taking the charger from him and carefully wrapping the cord.

“So um,” he awkwardly tried to cover his bare chest by crossing his arms. “Are you going back to the studio?”

Hongjoong was still mostly looking down at the charger in his hands. “Yeah. We may go to Ollounder-hyung’s place later too.”

Seonghwa nodded. “Cool, well, be safe,” he bid.

He had already turned away from the door when Hongjoong suddenly continued the conversation with: “What are you doing today?”

Seonghwa turned back around to see Hongjoong’s eyes on him, though, it was fleeting, as they went down once again to the charging cord. “Hang on,” Seonghwa chuckled nervously. “Let me put my shirt back on.”

The room went silent as Seonghwa took out his AirPods and put on a shirt. “Me, San, and Wooyoung are going to the shooting range later,” he said once his chest was properly covered. “Wooyoung said something too about Yeonjun maybe coming? But I don’t know.”

“Choi Yeonjun?” Hongjoong asked, as if there were any other Yeonjun who was friends with Wooyoung.

“Yeah.”

He tapped the cord in his hands. “Hm, I didn’t know you liked shooting guns.”

He didn’t. They were loud. And he was bad at it. But that’s what San and Wooyoung wanted to do on their day off, so that was what Seonghwa was going to do. It wasn’t like he was doing anything else. Everybody else was doing their own thing. It was just Seonghwa, like always, who didn’t have his own thing to do. “Eh, it’s okay. San and Wooyoung make it fun, so.”

Hongjoong nodded and gave him a half-smile. “Well, be careful. Okay?” 

“Okay,” he agreed.

He gave Seonghwa one last lingering look, licked at his bottom lip, and walked off.

It was one of their more awkward interactions. Something akin to how they acted around each other pre-debut. It probably didn’t help that Seonghwa had been shirtless for half of the conversation. He just couldn’t stop making things weird.

But one question popped into his mind after Hongjoong walked away, probably prompted by Hongjoong’s licking his bottom lip: Had Hongjoong ever kissed anyone?

The question kept resurging in his mind throughout the day. Even at the shooting range. Yeonjun didn’t end up coming, which he was happy about because he really didn’t want to be a fourth wheel. He was already a third wheel as it was.

But standing there, trying to shoot the gun, jumping anytime someone else shot a gun, missing his own target by inches and inches, all reminded Seonghwa that he was nothing like the men in dramas.

Would a girl ever even want to kiss him again? He thought back to when he had kissed his ex-girlfriend all those years ago. It wasn’t a bad memory. But he didn’t look back on it and want to relive it. He wouldn’t want to relive any moments he had had with girls in the past. It wasn’t like they had suddenly become gross. It was more that…he had somehow become disinterested.

But he wanted to relive that moment with Hongjoong. That one moment from the White Day Vlive. Did Hongjoong have any moments with Seonghwa that he wanted to relive? Or did he have his own memories of past girlfriends that he wanted to relive?

Had Hongjoong ever kissed anyone?

He had a nice mouth. His lips weren’t too thin or too thick. They were the perfect proportions. And he was so body smart with everything else, he’d probably be a good kisser.

But had Hongjoong ever kissed anyone?

What would she have looked like? Seonghwa saw that one cringey pre-debut video of Hongjoong dancing with the noona on YouTube. Had he kissed her? She had been really pretty. Did they keep in touch? Was that where Hongjoong was all those nights where he came back to the dorm so late? Was he busy kissing her?

The loud bang of a gunshot echoed in his ears and he stumbled back a step.

“Hyung! Hyung!” he dimly heard San shouting.

He turned to see San waving at him and pointing at his target. “Hyung! You actually hit it!” he yelled in order to be heard through their thick shooting earmuffs.

Seonghwa looked back at his target to see a bullet hole through the red X in the center. He shakily put down the gun as the instructor came up to him to congratulate him.

He’d hit that in anger.

Anger at the thought of anyone other than him kissing Hongjoong.

*

He knew it was okay to be gay. He knew that if he was gay, the world wouldn’t burn. Everything would be fine.

But he didn’t know if he was gay. That was the problem.

All he knew was that he didn’t want to kiss anyone other than Hongjoong. Everything other than that was all still a mystery to him.

How long had he felt that way towards Hongjoong? In his mind it felt like new information, but also old information. It felt like he was just waking up, but he had been awake the whole time.

No.

It was more like:

He had been riding the same train to work every day, but he was just now looking out the window instead of down at his phone. He was seeing things that he knew must have been there the whole time, but he just hadn’t _seen_ it with his own eyes before.

How had he been so blind? The whole time, ever since he had met Hongjoong, he was captivated with him. Seonghwa thought that he was the most perfect thing in the entire world. The most important thing in the entire world.

He didn’t feel that way about anyone else. Woman or man.

But what did he want from Hongjoong? What kind of relationship did he want?

Well, he wanted everything. Conversations, commitments, touches, _kisses_. All the things dating entailed. Did he want to date Hongjoong?

Did he want to date a man?

But it wouldn’t be just any man. It would be Hongjoong. Someone he couldn’t go a day without thinking about.

And someone very straight and very out of his league.

The two of them had nothing in common. And it was probably for the best that they would never work out. The type of world they lived in wasn’t made for dating men.

It was easier that they would never work out. Seonghwa could just chalk it up to a dream. Like wishing he could be a jedi. Something entirely impossible, that would never come true, that he only thought about whenever he was daydreaming.

And he daydreamed about Hongjoong all the time. What it would be like to openly hold his hand as they walked down the street, being able to openly tell everyone that he was _his_ , getting to give him chaste kisses whenever the moment struck him. In Seonghwa’s daydreams, they didn’t look awkward together. They looked perfect. They felt perfect. And Seonghwa felt happy.

But in the real world Seonghwa didn’t have any of that. He had a bit of Hongjoong, the friend part of him, which should have been enough. It should have been enough. But it wasn’t enough. And it never would be.

But like how he would never get to be a jedi, Seonghwa would never get to have everything of Hongjoong. And that had to be okay. Because that was reality.

*

Things came crumbling down even worse. If that was even possible.

Obviously, coronavirus was still around. On top of that, their dorm lease was up and the following month they would be moving to another apartment on a different floor of their building. And on top on top of that, Seonghwa got injured.

Again.

The same shit. His fucking hip acting up. More limping, hobbling, and hopping around in pain. And of course, more sitting out at practices. He was going to end up missing Kcon so he could rest his hip for their upcoming comeback – which they were already practicing and filming for.

Hongjoong had dyed his hair blue and now whenever Seonghwa fantasized about running his fingers through Hongjoong’s hair, he imagined them back in the butterfly garden, with a butterfly the color of Hongjoong’s hair landing on Hongjoong’s shoulder, and Hongjoong looking up at Seonghwa with the prettiest fucking smile…

They found out the new apartment had four rooms, like their old one, except one of them was tiny. Far too small for two grown men. So someone was going to end up with a single. Mingi immediately volunteered himself. And initially, Seonghwa had no interest in the single room. It would mean leaving Hongjoong.

But one morning, in the fog of just waking up, he caught a glimpse of Hongjoong rummaging around their room, still dripping wet from the shower with a towel wrapped loosely around his waist. His long, toned back, with shadows dancing across from the rising sun. Seonghwa felt a jolt down in his groin and knew it was time he volunteered himself for the single room too.

He told Hongjoong one night after practice. Hongjoong had actually come back with the rest of the group and was sitting in his desk chair, still a sweaty mess, clicking away on his Macbook.

Since Seonghwa had sat out the whole day, he laid back in his bed sweat free. “I think I want the single room in our new apartment,” he said, but couldn’t bring himself to look over at Hongjoong.

That quickly managed to pull Hongjoong’s attention. “Wait, what?”

“We can decide as a group on who gets it, but I just wanted to let you know that I want the room too.”

Hongjoong softly clicked his Macbook shut and pushed his chair back to reposition it towards Seonghwa. “Since when do you want the room?”

Seonghwa glanced over at him, felt a pang in his chest upon seeing Hongjoong’s slackened face, and had to look away again. “I just thought it would be nice to have my own space. I am the oldest and everything.”

“We’re the same age,” he replied.

“You know what I mean.”

There was a pause. Then a soft: “Seonghwa-yah.”

Seonghwa’s head shot over to look at Hongjoong. His face was soft, eyebrows raised, lips parted. His sweaty bangs were stuck on his forehead. The sweat-stains on his t-shirt still hadn’t dried completely. And he was beautiful. Oh, what Seonghwa would give to have Hongjoong.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been a very good roommate,” Hongjoong continued. “I promise I’ll clean up more. Before you even have to ask me to.”

He sat up in his bed and shook his head. “No, Joong-ah, that’s not it,” he said gently.

“Do you want me to spend more time with you? Or less time I guess, since you want the single room?”

“It’s not you,” Seonghwa said. “I just want my own space, that’s all. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Hongjoong jiggled his knees and looked up at all of the stars on the ceiling. “…You know, I’ll miss you.”

“We don’t even know if I’ll get the room yet. Mingi also wants it, remember?”

He quirked a sad smile. “I’m the leader. If you want the room, you’ll have the room.”

A heaviness dropped over them and Seonghwa felt a lump grow in his throat. They didn’t say much after that. But Seonghwa replayed those words over and over again in his mind. Suddenly, he very badly did not want that single room. Suddenly, he very badly wanted to climb into the top bunk with Hongjoong.

And suddenly, he felt like crying. Something he hadn’t done in a long time.

*

A trainee named Jinhyuk was taking Seonghwa’s spot in their KCon performance, so they didn’t have to reblock yet again, as Jongho was still sitting out as well.

Jinhyuk seemed to pick up choreography really fast. As Seonghwa observed the practices, he would call Jinhyuk over every now and then to give him pointers. He was pretty shy, so Seonghwa tried to look after him like he did with the other boys in their group.

But Seonghwa started noticing that Jinhyuk _did_ actually talk a lot.

To Hongjoong, specifically.

One moment Jinhyuk was seeking out Hongjoong every break, and the next Hongjoong was seeking out Jinhyuk every break. Then it was Jinhyuk tugging on Hongjoong’s shirt, playfully slapping his arm, touching his hair. And then it was Hongjoong wrapping an arm around Jinhyuk, ruffling his hair, pinching his cheek.

And Seonghwa was left behind, sitting next to Jongho at the computer desk, with nothing to do all practice but glower at Jinhyuk and Hongjoong.

If Seonghwa hadn’t gotten hurt that could’ve been him spending all that time with Hongjoong. But the sad thing was, even if he hadn’t gotten hurt, he and Honjoong would never have acted the way Jinhyuk and Hongjoong were acting. They didn’t shamelessly flirt in front of everyone like that.

Seonghwa wished.

He completely understood why Jinhyuk was doing was he was doing. Hongjoong was very attractive. But why was Hongjoong flirting back? He hadn’t seen Hongjoong act like that around anyone. Woman or man. Well, maybe Camilla Cabello’s poster…but that was a different story.

“Jinhyuk is doing well, that is our little honorary ninth member out there,” Jongho said to him while gesturing over to Jinhyuk. 

Seonghwa narrowed his eyes. “He’s okay, that part right there could be a bit cleaner. And he should watch his spacing more.”

“I guess…I mean, he is doing good for a trainee.”

He only gave a half-shrug and a “hm” as a response.

The instructor called for a five-minute break and everyone dispersed into different directions: some headed to the bathroom, some headed to check their phones, some headed to eat a quick snack. It was clear though, Jinhyuk was headed in Hongjoong’s direction.

Seonghwa tapped his fingers loudly on the desk as he watched Jinhyuk come up behind Hongjoong, and then Hongjoong turned to greet him with a smile, pulling Jinhyuk into a side hug as Jinhyuk spoke into Hongjoong’s ear.

“Hm, well they sure got close fast,” Seonghwa muttered.

He had completely forgotten that Jongho was still sitting beside him until Jongho said: “Hyung, just because Hongjoong-hyung is gay does not mean he is a creep. Jinhyuk is only sixteen, come on.”

Seonghwa whirled around in his seat to look at Jongho. “What?”

“Ummm…” Jongho’s face turned pale.

He leaned in closer. “Jongho-yah. What did you say?”

Jongho didn’t answer him.

“Did you say that…that Hongjoong is gay?” He could hear his own voice trembling, almost like he was outside of his own body.

“Shhhh!” Jongho hushed him fiercely and then pressed his lips firmly together. “No, um, you must have misheard me.”

“No, you clearly said that Hongjoong-hyung is gay.”

He looked down at the desk and started picking at the edge. “Did I? Hm, that is very strange. Maybe you should see a doctor about that, hyung.”

“Jongho-yah,” Seonghwa said sharply. “Who all knows?”

Jongho shook his head. “No one,” he said softly.

He leaned in even closer to him. “I said, who all knows?”

“ _Hyung_ ,” he whined, his eyes flicking up to meet Seonghwa’s.

Just as Seonghwa opened his mouth to reply, Yunho bounced over to them. “How is it going over here?” he asked with a big smile.

Seonghwa felt like he had to throw up. He shoved back his chair, muttered something along the lines of “I need to use the bathroom,” and fled the room, taking one brief glance at Hongjoong still smiling and chatting to Jinhyuk before he slammed the door behind him.

Somehow he ended up outside on the sidewalk, pacing around in circles with his hands on top of his head.

 _Hongjoong was gay_. 

How could Seonghwa not have known?

_Hongjoong was gay._

Now that he did know, it was so obvious. Deep down he probably did know. Hongjoong was so pretty, and delicate, and lovely and –

_Hongjoong was gay._

He had told Seonghwa he was straight. He had looked him dead in the eyes and denied being gay.

Why?

What was the point of it all? Why were they even friends? _Were_ they even friends? If _Jongho_ knew that Hongjoong was gay that meant everyone must have known that Hongjoong was gay.

Everyone except Seonghwa.

Why?

Seonghwa had spent the entire time imagining Hongjoong with other girls. Really, he should have been imagining him with other boys.

Sudden pain struck Seonghwa’s chest at that, and he sank down onto the ground with his back against the building.

Was he having a panic attack? The heartbeat pounding in his ears and his shaking hands told him yes.

So many thoughts were running through his head all at once and he wanted to fucking scream.

Hongjoong kissing boys Hongjoong kissing not him Hongjoong lying to him Hongjoong kissing Jinhyuk Hongjoong leaving him Hongjoong laughing at him Hongjoong lying to him Hongjoong kissing boys Hongjoong kissing boys Hongjoong kissing not him Hongjoong lying to him Hongjoong lying to him Hongjoong lying to him Hongjoong leaving him Hongjoong kissing not him Hongjoong leaving him Hongjoong lying to him Hongjoong lying to him Hongjoong lying to him Hongjoong lying to him Hongjoong lying to him

“Hyung.”

Yunho.

Seonghwa jumped in fright and looked up.

“Jongho told me to come and check on you…” Yunho chewed on his bottom lip as he stood over Seonghwa. “He told me what happened.”

He shook his head. “N-nothing happened. I just don’t feel very well all of the sudden.”

Yunho sighed and squatted next to him. “He does not tell everyone, you know. You are not the only person who did not know.”

“Oh really? So who else didn’t know that he was _gay_ , hm?” He said the last part a bit too loudly and both he and Yunho glanced over at the oblivious passersby.

“Everyone knows but Mingi, so I hope you do not plan on telling him.”

Seonghwa blinked furiously and sucked in his breath. “I won’t…I would never…”

The two of them sat there for a few moments in silence. Seonghwa worked on calming down, preventing tears from brimming, and focusing on cars as they drove past. “You’re missing practice. Shouldn’t you go back up?” he finally asked Yunho.

“Not without you, I want to make sure you are alright,” he said. 

He bitterly laughed. “No, I’m not alright, to be honest. He…he fucking lied to me. Straight to my face. What kind of friend does that? I thought…” he shook his head.

Yunho tilted his head in a gesture for him to continue.

“I thought I meant more to him than that,” Seonghwa finished. 

He put a hand on Seonghwa’s shoulder. “Hyung, you mean a lot to him. Trust me.”

“Oh, please,” he rolled his eyes.

“No, listen,” he said seriously. “Hongjoong-hyung probably had his reasons for not telling you. I have known him for a long time, he would never lie to anyone maliciously like that. You are not gay, you do not know what it is like for him.”

 _Gay_. Was Seonghwa…? “You’re right,” he nodded. “No, I don’t know what it’s like.”

Yunho looked down at the ground. “Please do not be mad with him, okay?”

“I’m not mad. It’s my own fault for thinking we were closer than we actually are.”

“ _Hyung_ , just because he did not tell you does not mean -”

“Are you going to tell him? That I know now?” Seonghwa cut him off.

He pursed his lips and traced his finger along the cement. “I don’t know. I think someone should. Whether that is me, Jongho, or you.”

“I don’t think anyone should tell him. And leave him in the dark just like he left me,” he said coldly. 

“ _Hyun_ g,” Yunho said sharply.

Seonghwa stood up from the ground. “When you go back inside, can you get one of the managers to come down and give me a ride back to the dorms? Tell everyone I’m not feeling well.”

Glaring at him now, Yunho rose from the ground, towering over Seonghwa. “I think this is a bit much now, Hyung. You can sort this out with Hongjoong-hyung later.”

“Will you just- ” he stomped the ground and let out a loud huff. “Will you just listen to me, this once? And obey your hyung? Go. Please.” He pointed upstairs.

Yunho locked his jaw and looked Seonghwa up and down. “Fine. I hope you feel better.”

*

He was the biggest asshole in existence. He had really bailed practice, yelled at Yunho, and had a temper tantrum out in public, all because of Hongjoong. Hongjoong, who, really, hadn’t done much wrong. Everything that Yunho had said was right. Hongjoong probably hadn’t meant any harm by lying about being straight.

But yet, he had still done harm. Which was why Seonghwa was so fucking angry at him. Yeah, he was angry. Pissed, in fact. Hongjoong had lied to him. When there had been no need to. Seonghwa would have still been his friend either way. And it wouldn’t have changed anything between them.

But would it have? Would it have changed anything? Seonghwa wanted to say no. They were friends. Unbothered by sexuality. Friends and sexuality didn’t correlate.

But Seonghwa was sexually attracted to Hongjoong.

Seonghwa and Hongjoong were the same…in a way.

So were they friends? Could they still be friends?

How could two things be true at one time? How could Seonghwa understand Hongjoong and be angry with him at the same time? How could Seonghwa want to be Hongjoong’s friend and not want to be his friend at the same time? Because if they were friends then they could never be anything more.

Not like Hongjoong would even be on board with that. Just because Hongjoong was gay didn’t mean he would suddenly be attracted to Seonghwa. He was too busy with _Jinhyuk_. Who definitely was too young, but stranger things had happened before. And Seonghwa’s life was never-ending misery.

He had broken a few of his Gundam figurines when he had stormed into his room after one of the managers had dropped him off and was in the process of piecing them back together when he heard his phone vibrate.

It was a text from Jongho.

His stomach immediately turned.

[ **JONGHO** : Hyung, I had too much of a guilty heart…and I told Hongjoong-hyung about what happened. Please do not be too upset. This is all my fault anyways.]

Seonghwa had to lock his phone, pace for a few moments, and breathe deeply in and out of his nose before he replied.

[ **SEONGHWA** : It’s not your fault…What did he say?

 **JONGHO** : He told me that it was okay, and that he would speak to you later about it.]

He tossed his phone away and went back to pacing. “Shit shit shit shit,” he muttered under his breath. They would speak about it later…and Seonghwa would say what? And Hongjoong would say what? What was there even to say?

Everything and yet nothing at all.

It was a little while later before Seonghwa heard everyone come home.

He sat on his bunk, his knee jiggling, waiting on Hongjoong to walk in. He’d hurried to try and make himself, and the dorm room, presentable after his little mental breakdown.

But Hongjoong never came. Five, ten, fifteen minutes passed. And Hongjoong never came.

He checked his phone. Listened through the door to see if he could hear Hongjoong’s distinct voice.

Nothing.

And his anger burst louder than it ever had before.

How fucking _dare_ he. How _dare_ Hongjoong lie to him and then stand him up? Avoiding him like he had when they first met? Hongjoong knew how much he couldn’t stand when he didn’t come home. He knew how much it bothered him. And it really seemed that Hongjoong didn’t care about Seonghwa at all. Not even as person, much less than a friend.

Yunho had been wrong. Saying that Hongjoong hadn’t meant it maliciously? That Hongjoong had his reasons? Bull fucking shit.

Fuck Hongjoong. Fuck Hongjoong. Fuck Hongjoong.

Seonghwa stormed out of his room and opened Yunho and San’s door, fully intent on interrogating Yunho…only to squeak in shock, mumble a formal “My apologies,” and run right back into his room, slamming the door shut behind him.

What the fuck.

What the fuck.

What the fuck.

What the fuck was going on?

This couldn’t all be real. None of this could be happening right now. Nope. Nope. Nope.

San and Wooyoung? So much skin…they were…and that meant…

Hongjoong. That could be him and Hongjoong. They could be like that. They really could be like that.

It was as Seonghwa was pressed up against the back of his door, heart pounding out of his chest, knees shaking, brow sweating, mind only full of San and Wooyoung and god, _Hongjoong_ , that he realized he was gay.

Seonghwa was gay.

Gay!

Gay gay gay gay gay.

He was so angry at Hongjoong, so angry. But even still, he wanted to do everything with Hongjoong. He wanted to be like _that_ with Hongjoong. Like how San and Wooyoung had been. San sitting in his desk chair, Wooyoung shirtless and straddling San. San running his hands up and down Wooyoung’s bare back and kissing up and down Wooyoung’s bare neck. Wooyoung’s eyes closed, his face buried in San’s hair.

What would it feel like to do that with Hongjoong? Would Hongjoong straddle him, or would he straddle Hongjoong? He’d probably prefer it if he straddled Hongjoong, even if he was taller than him. It would mean Hongjoong underneath him, with nowhere to go. And he could touch him, feel him, _kiss_ him as much as he wanted.

He was gay, Hongjoong was gay….And yet…Hongjoong didn’t want to be with him. He didn’t care about him at all. So no, they could never be like San and Wooyoung.

Seonghwa heard footsteps on the other side of the door, followed by a hurried knock.

“Hyung!” He heard San fiercely whisper. “Hyung! Open the door. We need to talk.”

He gritted his teeth but didn’t budge. 

“Hyung! I know you are in there. Please, open up,” San pleaded and jiggled the door handle, but Seonghwa had long since locked it. 

“Ugh, go away. There’s – there’s nothing to talk to about…I didn’t see anything,” Seonghwa called through the door.

“Hyung, come on,” came from Wooyoung’s voice now. “Before the others hear.”

He closed his eyes and let out an exasperated groan. He was going to have to face everyone eventually, so he unlocked the door and walked over to sit on his bunk. Soon enough, San and Wooyoung were barreling in and quickly shutting the door behind them, with San going as far as to lock it back as well.

It was awkward silence between the three of them.

It was nice to see that Wooyoung had put his shirt back on, at least. Seonghwa really hadn’t wanted to see that. Nor, had he wanted to see any of the rest of _that_. Whatever had been going on in Yunho and San’s room.

But still, even with the shock and confusion of everything, he kept thinking about how much he wanted to see Hongjoong like _that_. The thought of Hongjoong grounded him in the moment, brought him back down to what was actually happening. That he had walked in on San and Wooyoung making out.

“You two were…were kissing,” Seonghwa said slowly and carefully.

Wooyoung tilted his head. “Eh, sort of.”

San gave him a sharp jab of an elbow in the side, muttering under his breath: “Shut up.”

“Ow?” Wooyoung rubbed his side and glared at San. “This is all your fault for not locking the door. I see you know how though, since you remembered to lock this one,” he gestured back towards the door.

San ignored Wooyoung and nervously looked at Seonghwa. “Hyung, we are so, very, very sorry.”

He shook his head and held up a hand. “Don’t apologize. Really.”

“O-okay,” San nodded.

Back the awkward silence. Back to San and Wooyoung looking at Seonghwa like they were waiting for him to explode. Back to Seonghwa’s head spinning and spinning and spinning.

“How…” Seonghwa started and then stopped. “How long…When? Um,” he rubbed at his neck. “When did this…? Um…”

“It just sort of happened,” San weakly answered.

“But around debut…is when it really began,” Wooyoung added.

“ _Debut_?” Seonghwa’s mind reeled.

“We have tried to hide it,” San said.

He gave a chuckle at that. “Hide it? You two are always doing fan service. Which…I guess isn’t really fan service after all, huh.”

“Hongjoong-hyung said it would be a good idea,” Wooyoung said, earning himself another jab in the side from San.

“Woo, _stop_ ,” he whispered.

“ _Hongjoong_ told you it would be a good idea?” Seonghwa hissed.

San pursed his lips and nodded silently.

He clenched his fist and stood up from his bunk. “So I’m the last to know…again? Is that what you’re telling me?” 

San and Wooyoung gave him mirroring expressions of confusion and fright.

“Oh yeah? No one told you? I just found out today that Hongjoong is gay. My own roommate. He never told me. In fact, he told me he was straight. Isn’t that fucking great?” he spewed.

“Hyung,” San said gently.

Seonghwa walked closer to San and Wooyoung and pointed at San. “Don’t you dare start to make excuses for him, San-ah.”

Wooyoung pushed himself in front of San. “Shit, calm down, Hyung.”

“Calm down? I’m not going to calm down! Today has been absolute shit! _Fuck_! I sat at practice, useless as always. I found out that Hongjoong had been lying to me for years, while I’ve been off, oblivious as always. Hongjoong is gay, you’re gay,” he gestured at San and Wooyoung. “And I’m…” his voice trailed, and he heard how loud his own breathing was. “And I’m gay,” he finished small.

He’d just said that out loud. He’d just said that out loud. He’d just said that out loud. San and Wooyoung. They were looking at him like he was crazy. He was crazy. He _was_. What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he act like a hyung? Why couldn’t he act _right_? Why was he so fucking angry? He wasn’t even angry at Hongjoong or San or Wooyoung or Jongho or Yunho. He was fucking angry with himself.

His face crumbled and he fell onto his ass on the ground, letting out a loud sob.

He felt someone grasping for his hands. His own hands were twisted up in his hair. Tugging and tugging. They finally managed to wrench his hands away from his hair.

“Shhh, please, Hyung, please. It is okay.” San’s voice. San’s hands.

“N – no it’s n – not,” Seonghwa’s voice shook. Tears streamed down his face. He could feel them dropping onto his knees. Why was he crying so much? He wasn’t sad. Was he?

“Hyung, I am here for you, take all the time you need.” 

“I - I don’t know w - why I’m c – crying.” He struggled to pull his hands away from San so he could hide his face, but San kept a strong grip on them.

“There doesn’t have to be a reason.”

“I think about him all the time,” he gasped. “And I – I, m – miss him so much.”

It was like he couldn’t control his body anymore, or what was coming out of his mouth. San and Wooyoung had been anticipating correctly, Seonghwa had finally exploded.

“It’s okay, it’s okay to be gay,” Seonghwa continued.

“It is,” San said. Then: “Woo, can you grab some tissues?”

Seonghwa heard Wooyoung shuffle for the tissues. He suddenly remembered when Hongjoong had been sick. He had given Hongjoong tissues. Seonghwa’s head shot up so he could actually look at San, though bleary-eyed due to his swollen, tear-brimmed eyes. “Does Hongjoong know it’s okay to be gay?”

Wooyoung handed a tissue to San and San started wiping at Seonghwa’s face.

“Yes, he knows it is okay,” Wooyoung answered for San, while running his hands through Seonghwa’s hair.

“Hyung, did you eat any dinner when you got back home?” San asked.

Seonghwa just shook his head.

“I’m going, I’m going,” Wooyoung said to San, unlocking the door and leaving, closing the door back behind him.

“San-ah, I’m a terrible person. I’m so selfish,” Seonghwa shook his head.

San finally let go of Seonghwa’s hands and went from his crouching position, down to sitting on the floor in front of him. “No you are not, Hyung. You always take such good care of us. Selfish people do not do that.”

“Then why did I think of myself when I first found out Hongjoong was gay? Hm? I didn’t think about how hard that must be for him, or how he must be feeling, or how he probably needs a good friend by his side…I just thought about what that means for me. About how me and him could be…” he stopped himself from continuing with a shake of the head. “Sorry, it’s stupid. Forget I said anything.”

“You know,” San drawled. “Hongjoong-hyung was really worried when he thought you were sick. He kept asking the managers about you.”

That earned a tiny, surprised smile out of Seonghwa. “Really?”

San nodded and smiled back at him.

“I explained to Manager Lee that it wasn’t that kind of sick. That it was the -” Seonghwa tapped on his forehead. “ _That_ kind of sick…He was really nice about it.”

“Yeah, Manager Lee is really good about that sort of stuff.”

Seonghwa nodded and wrapped his arms around his legs. “I know I overreacted. I know that Hongjoong didn’t do anything wrong. I know all of that. But it’s like…it’s like my mind can’t rationalize any of that when I’m in the moment? My emotions take over and I can’t control it.”

“Well, I do not think you did anything wrong either. Hongjoong-hyung lied to you. It is okay to be upset about that.”

He thought a bit before he asked: “Are…are Hongjoong and Jinhyuk a thing?”

San tilted his head back and let out a loud laugh. “God no. Trust me, Hongjoong-hyung is Jinhyuk’s hyung and nothing more.”

Seonghwa’s face flushed. “Sorry, just checking.”

“Were we the first people you came out to?”

He nodded. “Obviously, I didn’t plan it.” 

San smirked. “Obviously. But I am proud of you, though. It is hard. Really. It takes a strong person to do that.”

“But…but why did Hongjoong never tell me?”

He let out a long sigh and fidgeted a bit. “Not everybody is the same. And not every relationship is the same. Some people you decide to tell, and some people you do not. You cannot…you cannot expect someone to come out to you just because they came out to someone else. If that makes sense?”

“I guess,” Seonghwa mumbled.

“Well, let me ask you this. Do you plan on coming out to Hongjoong-hyung?”

Fear struck Seonghwa’s core. If he told Hongjoong, then it would be painfully obvious Seonghwa was attracted to him. And it would be even more painful when Hongjoong didn’t reciprocate. And it would be even _more_ painful when they couldn’t be friends anymore, because everything had gotten so awkward and complicated and _painful_. “I don’t know…” his voice wavered.

San waved his hands. “No, do not misunderstand me. I am not saying you should come out to Hongjoong-hyung. That is the whole point. It is up to you. And if you do not feel comfortable, then you should not be forced to. It is your life, your story to tell. Not everyone gets the privilege to hear it.”

It was at that point that Wooyoung returned with a bowl of ramen for Seonghwa, that he thankfully gulped down while San and Wooyoung sat with him. 

“Do you think Hongjoong is mad at me?” he eventually asked, while still in-between bites.

“No,” San and Wooyoung both said at once.

Seonghwa was taken aback, and Wooyoung elaborated: “Hongjoong-hyung could never really be mad at you.”

“You should probably talk to him about this at some point. Not about the stuff about _you,_ necessarily,” San quickly clarified. “But about how you found out about him. I am sure he would like to hear from you.”

“I don’t know what I’d even say…” his voice trailed off.

“Look,” Wooyoung said. “Hongjoong-hyung is probably feeling guilty right now that he had lied to you. And is also probably worried about how you will react to the fact that he is gay.”

He set his bowl and chopsticks down on the floor. “Why would he be worried? I care about him…I would never react badly to something like that.”

“Hongjoong-hyung cares very much about your opinion of him,” San said.

“And he needs to hear that from you,” Wooyoung added.

“Is he even coming back home tonight?” he asked.

San and Wooyoung both exchanged glances and then shrugged.

“All I know is that he stayed behind in the studio. We did not even know that anything beyond that had happened until you told us,” San explained.

“What _did_ exactly happen?” Wooyoung asked.

Seonghwa sighed and rested his cheek against his palm. “Jongho let it slip today at practice.”

Wooyoung rolled his eyes. “And you all had been worried about _me_ spilling the beans, oh please.”

“And then Jongho texted me later, after I had left, and said that he had ended up telling Hongjoong what happened…and the whole thing is such a fucking mess,” he sighed, yet again.

“More of a mess than walking in on me and Woo-yah?” San chuckled.

Wooyoung whined and shoved lightly at San’s shoulder. “Sanieee, please remember to lock the door next time.”

“So who all knows about you two?” Seonghwa asked.

“Only a few,” San assured him. “Hongjoong-hyung, Yunho, Yeosang, Jongho, and now you.”

“Wow, you guys really must hate me and Mingi,” Seonghwa quipped.

San grimaced and patted Seonghwa’s knee.

“Okay, okay, let me explain! We didn’t leave you two out on purpose!” Wooyoung waved his hands. “Hongjoong-hyung is also gay, so duh. Yunho and Yeosang are our roommates, so also duh. We have to coordinate alone time.”

“Ewww! My ears!” Seonghwa screeched.

Wooyoung ignored him. “And then Jongho…Jongho is just weirdly smart. We did not tell him about us, nor did I think Hongjoong-hyung told him about himself either…I really just think he is observant.”

“True, in all fairness we thought that you and Mingi would also pick up on it,” San nodded. “Especially you, since you were always third-wheeling us.”

Seonghwa gasped. “Hey! You two invited me along!”

“Yeah, just so it would not be suspicious to the managers,” Wooyoung retorted. 

San shook his head and smiled at Seonghwa. “He is kidding, hyung. You are invited anytime.”

Seonghwa laughed. “Gee, thanks. But…I’m honestly happy for you two. It’s…still a little weird. But, somehow, I’m not even surprised. It makes sense.”

San pulled Wooyoung into him, earning a giggle from Wooyoung. San looked down at Wooyoung, with so much obvious love in his eyes. It was so obvious now that Seonghwa knew. How could he have missed it?

Was the way he looked at Hongjoong that obvious as well? He imagined that he probably looked at Hongjoong in a similar way that San was looking at Wooyoung.

Did all the other members know about his crush on Hongjoong?

Did Hongjoong know?

“Am I also obvious?” Seonghwa suddenly mused.

“Hm?” San hummed, glancing briefly over to Seonghwa.

“Obviously gay? Kind of,” Wooyoung answered. “You know way too many girl group dances.”

Seonghwa shot him an icy glare. “Ha ha. No. That’s not what I meant. Is it obvious that I…kinda, crush on Hongjoong?”

San laughed and nodded. “Yes, and Hongjoong-hyung is even more obvious than you.” As soon as the last word left his mouth, his eyes went wide and he looked over at Wooyoung with a flushed face.

“He what?” Seonghwa’s heart stopped cold in his chest.

Wooyoung threw San off of him with a huff. “Wow, yet another person with looser lips than me! You guys need to start giving me more credit around here!”

“ _He what_?” Seonghwa repeated.

Wooyoung rolled his eyes. “He _likes_ you, Hyung. Oh my god, I think gays might actually be worse than straights.”

Meanwhile, San had buried his face in his hands.

Kim Hongjoong liked him? Like, _like liked_ him? Like how Seonghwa liked him? Why? How? Since when?

“Oh, Hongjoong-hyung is going to kill us all,” San mumbled.

Wooyoung cackled. “Good thing I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Seonghwa was still frozen in space. Blinking dumbly. Why would Hongjoong like him? How would Hongjoong like him? Since when had Hongjoong liked him?

“Shit, Sannie, I think I broke Hyung,” Wooyoung joked.

“Did he…did Hongjoong tell you guys that? That he…” Seonghwa’s voice trailed off.

Wooyoung shook his head. “No, but you would have to be blind like you not to see it. Like, remember that ridiculously expensive bracelet he got you? And then there was the wallet, and then of course the stars,” he gestured up to the ceiling.

He gotten him that bracelet Christmas right after debut…had it been that long? Had Seonghwa really been that blind? Like everything else that had happened that day, he was struggling to wrap his brain around the thought of Hongjoong actually reciprocating his feelings. It didn’t feel real. It didn’t feel possible.

San’s face finally emerged from his hands. “Oh, don’t forget when Hongjoong-hyung let Seonghwa-hyung drag him to that butterfly garden.”

“Hey! He liked that!” Seonghwa cried.

“Hyung, he is sleeping on the top bunk for you,” Wooyoung gave Seonghwa a pointed look. “Did he really have to spell it out?”

Yes, Hongjoong did. And thankfully San and Wooyoung helped with that. Because Seonghwa would have never believed it on his own. And he still really didn’t. He’d felt this way about Hongjoong for so long. Probably as long as he had known him, even if Seonghwa hadn’t realized it fully back then. He’d always thought Hongjoong was pretty, and handsome, and talented, and amazing. It just took him years to equate that to what that really was.

“Do you think he’ll come home tonight?” Seonghwa wondered.

“I don’t know…,” San shrugged. “He is probably trying to give you space after what happened earlier.”

Seonghwa popped up from the floor. “Well, I don’t think I want space. I’ve had enough space.”

Wooyoung sweetly smiled. “Awh, are you going to go to him? That is so romantic. Nevermind what I said earlier. Gays are definitely the best.”

“Oh, but I can’t,” Seonghwa frowned and sat back down on the edge of his bunk.

“Why not?” San asked.

“I’ve been crying and my face is probably all puffy,” he said.

“I highly doubt Hongjoong-hyung would care,” Wooyoung said.

“Well,” Seonghwa darted back up and grabbed his ramen bowl from the ground. “I need to clean this up. So.”

Wooyoung groaned and stood up, snatching the bowl away from him. “I will clean it up, Hyung.”

“Okay, but I also need to – ”

“Hyung,” San stood up and interrupted him. “You do not have to go if you do not want to. What do you want to do?”

Seonghwa stopped and started to think long and hard. Like always. His mind turning and turning and turning –

“Hyung! Stop overthinking!” Wooyoung exclaimed. “What do you want to do?”

Maybe the answer really was that simple.

He wanted Hongjoong.

Like he always had.

*

He hadn’t changed. Rushed out of the dorm. Hadn’t waited for a manger to give him a ride. Instead took a bus and walked the rest of the way.

And it all happened too fast. He’d gotten to the company too quickly. He was standing in front of Hongjoong’s closed practice room door too soon. He hadn’t had enough time to mull over what he was going to say. But, then again, he hadn’t had enough time to overthink it either.

He needed to stop overthinking. He needed to keep things simple.

What did he want? What did he really want to say? What did he really want to do?

He’d known for years. He’d known. He just had kept it locked away, hidden, almost forgotten. But now was his chance. His chance to do what he had always wanted.

He was so nervous. He had climbed the stairs up to the company with shaky knees. Opened the doors with shaky hands. And now, as he was staring at the back of Hongjoong’s head through the window of his practice room – the only practice room with its light on – he wasn’t nervous anymore. If anything, he was anxious. Anxious to get everything off of his chest. Anxious to see what all would change for them in the coming moments. Anxious to reassure himself that even in the worst-case scenario, they would still remain friends.

He had to have Kim Hongjoong in his life.

Which was why he took a deep breath and opened the practice room door.

Hongjoong jumped in his seat at the noise of the door opening. “Wha - ?” He turned around from the glowing screen of his Macbook. “Seonghwa-sshi,” he breathed.

The relief Seonghwa felt when he saw Hongjoong’s face…was something indescribable. It was like the relief of seeing a family member after months of being apart, or the relief of seeing your bed after a long day of work, or the relief of seeing a good grade on a test you were so sure you had failed.

Seonghwa was in love with him.

What other feeling would that be?

“Sorry I scared you.” Seonghwa closed the door behind him and tugged down his face mask.

Hongjoong’s lips were parted as he shook his head. Like he was in shock that Seonghwa was actually there. “It’s okay.”

“Also, um, sorry I look so shitty…” he shoved his hands in his pockets and swayed back and forth. “I’ve kinda had a crazy day.”

Hongjoong’s head immediately hung. “I know, I’m sorry about that. I should’ve,” he cleared his throat. “I should’ve told you a long time ago.”

“No, you shouldn’t _hav_ e to tell anyone that.” He moved so that he was kneeling on the ground in front of Hongjoong, so he could look up at Hongjoong’s face as he hung his head.

“You’re not mad at me?” he asked softly.

Seonghwa didn’t like looking at Hongjoong like this. When he was obviously distressed – when his eyebrows were drawn together, eyes sunken, lips bitten and tense.

“I was, for a moment,” he nodded truthfully. “But I…I realized that you don’t owe anyone anything. Including me. And I know that now because,” he stopped to take a deep breath. “Because I’m gay too.”

Hongjoong blinked furiously and leaned away from Seonghwa. “No you’re not.”

At first, he didn’t think he heard him correctly. “What? Yes I am.”

“No. You’re not.”

Wait. What was happening? This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. “Why…why do you say that?” His voice was thick in his throat. “How do you _know_ I’m not gay?”

“You’re just…ugh, you’re just confused.” Hongjoong shook his head and turned back towards his Macbook.

“I’m not…” Seonghwa’s heart crumbled. “I’m not _confused_.” He’d been right. Hongjoong didn’t want him. He didn’t want him to be gay. He didn’t want him as a friend. He didn’t want him at all. What was there to do now?

“Look, just because we roomed together for so long doesn’t mean you’re gay. You don’t have anything to worry about,” Hongjoong said with his back still to him.

He turned up his face in confusion. What the _fuck_ was Hongjoong talking about? “I know that it isn’t _contagious_ , Joong-ah, _shit_.” 

“It’s…” Hongjoong’s voice grew soft. “It’s probably for the best that you get that single room in the new apartment.”

Silence.

His world tilted. His throat constricted. His eyes burned. Tears threatened to fall.

“Wow, yeah, maybe it is for the best,” he eventually murmured before standing up. Hongjoong had still yet to turn around.

What was there to do now?

He was gay. But maybe he wasn’t. He thought he was in love Hongjoong. But maybe he wasn’t. What was real. Was any of it real? His head started spinning, spiraling, tumbling again. Would they still be friends? What would happen with the group? Would they forget all of this had happened? Would Seonghwa wake up the next morning only to find out this had all been a terrible dream?

He headed towards the door. The simple answer. The only thing left to do.

When he opened the door, his face fully obscured from Hongjoong, the tears finally fell. He had already cried so much that day…what were a few tears more, really?

He couldn’t just leave. There must be more. That couldn’t be it. He had told his story to Hongjoong and he had refused to hear. What kind of person does that? Had Hongjoong even been worth all of the trouble? Was Seonghwa even gay without Hongjoong? Why did Hongjoong get to dictate whether or not Seonghwa was gay? If Seonghwa said he was gay, he was gay. End of story. End of _his_ story.

“If San and Wooyoung are gay, why can’t I be gay? Hm?” Seonghwa asked before walking away. The only thing left to do.

He wasn’t more than a couple steps away before he felt Hongjoong grab onto his arm, pulling him back into the practice room with all the strength he could muster, and he slammed the door shut behind them.

Seonghwa pulled his face mask back up, to help hide his puffy, teary face, but Hongjoong tugged it back down.

“You know about San and Wooyoung?” Hongjoong asked, his eyes wide and searching Seonghwa’s face.

He shoved Hongjoong away from him and swiped at his eyes. “Yes, I fucking know about San and Wooyoung.”

Hongjoong muttered curse words and stressfully rubbed his at his face.

“I know that apparently, I’ve been oblivious for years, no thanks to _you_ ,” Seonghwa continued _._ “And then you want to sit in here and be a dick and hide from me. How _dare_ you. That’s not how you respond to someone coming out. I figured you should know better.”

Hongjoong’s nostrils flared. “Okay, but you _ran away_ when you found out I was gay.”

“I found out that you had been lying to me,” he corrected him. “Which, I’m not mad about, by the way. I’m more angry about how you’re acting now.”

“That’s because you and San and Wooyoung, you -” Hongjoong huffed in frustration. “You guys just don’t get it! Being gay, being an idol, it’s not…it’s not a good thing. People are not kind. Your career could be over in an instant. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I would never wish that on you.”

The turmoil inside Seonghwa calmed as Hongjoong finally met his eye. “But…being gay is okay,” Seonghwa said. 

Hongjoong smiled grimly. “It is, but it isn’t.”

“San and Wooyoung are happy, though.” 

Hongjoong took a few steps back and leaned against the wall. “They won’t ever be normal. They’ll always have to pretend to be something they’re not. It’s sad, not happy.”

“But they already wouldn’t have ever been normal. They’re idols,” Seonghwa countered.

He hummed and tilted his head. “Hm, true. But it makes that job much harder. Which reminds me,” he cleared his throat. “You can’t tell anyone about them, obviously. I have enough trouble keeping _them_ in line as it is.”

“No, of course not. I promise I won’t,” he said. “But shouldn’t someone tell Mingi about all of this? I know what it’s like being left out in the cold, and it’s not a good feeling to realize everyone has been lying to you for so long.”

“You’re right, we should,” Hongjoong nodded. “But it’s not like I purposefully left Mingi out, it was just, you know, on a ‘need-to-know’ basis.”

“So I didn’t need to know about you?”

“No, I didn’t _want_ you to know.”

Seonghwa scoffed and crossed his arms. “Oh, okay. Nice.”

“I didn’t want you to know because…because it was easier for me if you didn’t know. At first I didn’t tell you because I was afraid of what you’d think or say, and then it became more of me being afraid of what _I’d_ think and say.”

“Joong-ah, that doesn’t make any sense,” he huffed.

Hongjoong just opened and closed his mouth, at a loss for words.

“We made a promise to each other,” Seonghwa continued. “That we’d tell each other everything. We’re best friends. Or at least I thought we were. Why would you be afraid of what I’d say?”

He ran his hands furiously through his hair. “Because…because, if you knew the truth you wouldn’t be standing here right now. You wouldn’t want to be around me anymore.”

Seonghwa walked closer to Hongjoong. “You being gay doesn’t change anything. I don’t give a fuck about that.” 

“‘Hwa, I think I’m in love with you,” his voice trembled. 

He faltered in his step. In love? He’d said he was in love with him. Seonghwa had heard him correctly, right? Of course, San and Wooyoung had already spoiled the reveal, sort of though because they had never mentioned _love_ , but it was so different than hearing Hongjoong say it. Before it was just an idea, a concept, a possibility. But now it was real.

And, while he inwardly felt content, triumphant, in love; he could see how distraught Hongjoong was. His head hanging, his bangs covering his eyes, him anxiously picking at the frays of the holes of his jeans. He didn’t know how Seonghwa felt. He thought that Seonghwa didn’t love him back.

“Hey.” Seonghwa reached out and grabbed ahold of Hongjoong’s hand.

Hongjoong’s head popped up to look at him.

His big, bright eyes. His smooth skin. His pouted lips. Seonghwa wanted his story. Seonghwa wanted his Hongjoong.

“I feel the same way about you,” Seonghwa smiled.

Hongjoong flinched and tried to pull away, but Seonghwa held onto his hand tightly. “No, you don’t,” Hongjoong said. “You’re just confused. I’ve confused you.”

“Joong-ah, what are you talking about?” he leaned down to his level. “How have you confused me? Hm? How?”

“I’ve been so selfish,” he murmured before swallowing thickly. “I…I took advantage of you. I lied to you and then took advantage. When you were sleeping next to me all those times, you thought you were sleeping next to someone straight and…and you weren’t. And that was wrong of me to do.”

“Trust me, I’m not upset about any of that. It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I’ve lied to you. I’ve tricked you. With presents and attention and…I just couldn’t help myself. Even though I knew it was wrong. You don’t know what goes on in my head when I look at you,” Hongjoong shook nervously.

“Oh,” Seonghwa chuckled lightly, “I’m sure worse goes on in mine.”

Hongjoong’s face became a bit firmer. “You weren’t gay until you met me, right? That’s proof enough right there that I’ve just confused you.”

“No you haven’t. I’m not confused at all. I want you. I want to be with you. I always have.” 

“You don’t know what you want.”

“All I want is you, Hongjoong-ah.” Seonghwa grabbed Hongjoong’s chin with his other hand and tilted his face up. “Please - please let me have you.” 

Their faces were so close together. Seonghwa could feel his light breath brush up against his face. He could _smell_ him. Clean cotton, fresh air, flowery, laundry detergent, earthy, _Hongjoong_. They were so close. Would Seonghwa actually get to kiss him? Run his hands across his face? Feel how warm his neck would be? Thread his fingers through his hair?

Hongjoong must have been thinking the same, because he said: “I’ve never actually kissed anyone.”

“Really?” his heart skipped a beat. 

Hongjoong shook his head.

“…Would you let me be your first kiss?”

Their eyes were locked. They breathed in and out. Hongjoong wordlessly reached up and took off Seonghwa’s face mask from where it was tugged down, letting it float forgotten to the floor.

“Is that a yes?” Seonghwa asked again. Was he even worthy of being his first kiss?

Hongjoong didn’t answer him. Instead he leaned up and placed his lips on Seonghwa’s.

Seonghwa’s eyes fluttered shut. He used both of his hands to hold Hongjoong’s face, while he tilted his head and deepened the kiss. Hongjoong’s hands came to rest on Seonghwa’s hips as Seonghwa pressed Hongjoong up against the wall with his body.

It wasn’t anything like kissing a girl.

It was so much better.

Hongjoong was so warm. His cheeks were smooth. His breath comforting against his lips. He was solid and there and real against him. Hongjoong was _real_.

Was this what it was like to kiss someone that actually mattered?

Hongjoong was the first to pull away, with a shy smile on his face that Seonghwa easily returned. “We just kissed,” Hongjoong scrunched his nose and gave small giggle.

Seonghwa only nodded in response, too preoccupied by running his fingers across Hongjoong’s face. He traced up Hongjoong’s cheekbones, up his undone eyebrows, and up into his hairline. His hair was just as smooth and soft as his skin.

“This is a bad idea, you know,” Hongjoong said softly.

He could feel Hongjoong’s thumbs brushing the hem of his shirt. “Why?”

“If we get caught…I’m the leader and you’re the oldest. It could end so badly. For everyone, not just us.”

Hongjoong’s lips jutted out as he spoke and Seonghwa found himself really wanting to kiss him again. “Well, then we won’t get caught,” he replied.

His face grew serious. “Are you willing to do that though? Put everything on the line, sneak around, all of that shit, just for me?”

“It’s not _just_ for you,” Seonghwa shook his head. “It’s _for_ you. And I’m willing to do all of that and more for you.”

“Why?” he asked simply. 

He pressed his forehead against Hongjoong’s. “Because you gave me the top bunk.” 

Hongjoong sharply inhaled, and Seonghwa continued: “You worked with me in the studio. You were there for me when I cried. You cheered me up when I had to sit out last year. You bought me this bracelet.” He shook his right wrist. “You gave me stars. You gave me friendship. And more importantly…you gave me you.”

“Seonghwa-yah,” his voice cracked.

“Yeah?”

Hongjoong crushed his lips against Seonghwa’s once again. This time though, he was the one who first deepened the kiss – tilting his head, tugging on Seonghwa’s shirt, teeth clacking against Seonghwa’s. It was definitely sloppy, with some misalignment here and there. But like Seonghwa really cared about any of that. It was Hongjoong. Everything Hongjoong did was always perfect.

For a lack of breath, Seonghwa finally had to pull away.

The room was silent, save for their labored breathing. And Hongjoong was a sight to be seen. Hair tussled from where Seonghwa’s fingers had latched on, cheeks flushed, lips wet and parted.

“Did you…” Seonghwa panted and pointed over to Hongjoong’s Macbook. “Did you need to finish up stuff here?”

Hongjoong shook his head. “No, let’s go home.”

*

They walked back to the dorm together and Seonghwa thought it would be awkward at first. You know, having just mutually confessed love to your roommate and best friend. But it wasn’t. They walked side by side and talked like old friends. Like they were just reuniting for the first time in years and were catching up on everything they had missed.

“You really walked in on San and Wooyoung?!” Hongjoong gave an incredulous laugh.

Seonghwa winced. “Yes! And I’d appreciate it if we never spoke of it again.”

He snorted. “Was that when you realized you were gay? Seeing them…fondle each other?”

“Ewww, please stop.” He shoved Hongjoong’s shoulder lightly. “But…unfortunately yes. Sort of. It’s hard to explain.”

“Well tell me, I’m curious.”

It was times like this where Seonghwa really despised the face masks they had to wear out in public. He wanted to see the kind smile that he knew was on Hongjoong’s face. He wanted to see Hongjoong’s bright face as he always so attentively listened to Seonghwa’s every word.

“Well,” Seonghwa started. “I think it started back when we first debuted. Do you remember our first fan meet? Where you cried backstage?”

Hongjoong groaned. “Yes. That was embarrassing.”

“I remember thinking you looked so pretty.”

“ _What_?”

He snorted at Hongjoong’s reaction. “I hadn’t ever thought about a boy like that. I had never thought that boys could be pretty. But you were. You are. And it scared me. I thought that I was weird and gross and…actually,” he chuckled. “Funny story. I even consulted Yunho about it. Asked him it was normal to think boys were pretty.”

“You’re kidding. What did he say?”

“I think he said something along the lines of: pretty is a synonym to a lot of other adjectives, and it depends on the person which ones are used.”

“He said it that scholarly?”

“Probably, you know how he is.”

Hongjoong laughed and nodded his head. “I do. And did he help?”

“At first…” he reminisced. “But then I found more adjectives to describe you.”

“Oh really, like what?”

He grew shy. “Oh…I don’t know…But, how about you?” he abruptly changed the subject. “When did you first realize you were gay?”

Hongjoong sighed. “I always knew. Or, at least I knew I was different. And then when I got old enough to understand that I should’ve been interested in girls, but wasn’t…yeah, that was when I realized I was _definitely_ different.”

“Your family doesn’t know, do they? Your father…” his voice trailed off, not knowing if he should fully broach the subject or not. 

“It’s the…unspoken thing in our family. I’ve never directly told them, but they know; it’s obvious. I guess…unless your name is Seonghwa,” he joked.

Seonghwa laughed weakly and ran his fingers through his hair.

Hongjoong continued: “I’ll tell you more about it later, I think there’s been enough drama for one day.”

“You don’t have to talk about it ever, if you don’t want to,” he said.

He shook his head. “Nope. No more secrets between us.”

“Yeah, you said that last time,” Seonghwa quipped.

“Oh, I’m sorry, you weren’t hiding anything from me either, then?”

He scowled. “Shut up.” 

Hongjoong giggled and patted Seonghwa on the back. His hand lingered for a moment as they walked, but sadly returned back to his side.

“If things were different,” Seonghwa mused. “And if we could…would you let me hold your hand?”

Seonghwa felt Hongjoong’s hand slowly brush past his. He looked down stunned as Hongjoong smoothly shoved his hand into his pocket like nothing had happened. “Of course,” he said. “If things were different.”

*

Things finally got awkward once they got back inside their dorm room. It was clear that neither of them knew how to proceed next. It had been fine and dandy sleeping near each other every night when each thought the other was straight. But now that everything was out in the open, once it was clear that they were both gay and both very much interested in each other in that way, now everything was much more strange.

Normal people didn’t move in with someone after the first date.

But they weren’t normal people.

And were Seonghwa and Hongjoong even dating? Of course they weren’t, at least not in the traditional sense.

Were they even a couple? No, not in the traditional sense.

So what were they? What was the next course of action? How did San and Wooyoung do this?

Well for starters, they didn’t room with each other. That probably made things a lot easier.

Did Seonghwa go back to sleeping on the bottom bunk, and Hongjoong on the top bunk? Was it even appropriate for them to sleeping in the same room at all anymore? Would Hongjoong want to switch rooms? Sure, Seonghwa was very possibly getting his own single room in the new apartment. And that would mean Hongjoong would be sleeping with one of the other boys, whoever it would end up being. Did Seonghwa even want Hongjoong rooming with anyone else?

He shouldn’t overthink things, he should really stop overthinking things…

What did he want? Right there, in that moment? Fuck everything else. Fuck yesterday or tomorrow. What did he want right then and there?

“Would you…would you sleep with me tonight? In the bottom bunk?” Seonghwa asked, his voice small, uncertain of what Hongjoong’s answer would be. “I know it’s kind of small, so it’s okay if you don’t want to…”

Thankfully, Hongjoong had taken off his face mask, so Seonghwa could see every micro expression erupt on his face. And he didn’t look uncertain, or disgusted, or disinterested. He looked…relieved. Like it was also the only thing he wanted in that moment too. His eyebrows lifted, his mouth turned upwards, and he looked up at Seonghwa and said: “You don’t even know how much I’ve missed sleeping with you.”

“Really?” he grinned.

Hongjoong nodded with a matching grin.

They got ready for bed as they normally did. Only, Seonghwa was a bit more conscious about his pajamas. Normally, since it was the summer, he wore a tank top and boxers. But it would probably be weird sleeping in so little next to Hongjoong, right? When they had been in the hotels, he’d always naturally worn more clothes to bed so it wasn’t a problem. So, he ended up going with a t-shirt and shorts, and once he saw Hongjoong after he also got changed, Seonghwa figured that Hongjoong had the same thought as him. He was also wearing a t-shirt and shorts, and Seonghwa knew for a fact that he preferred going to bed in his boxer briefs when he could. You learn things after living with someone for three years.

“Do you want to sleep on the inside or the outside?” Hongjoong said while taking out some of his piercings and placing them on his desk.

Seonghwa was taken aback by how _domestic_ they suddenly were. He was obediently waiting in bed for Hongjoong, Hongjoong was asking him simple logistical questions, and he looked so hot while taking off his jewelry…

It was like, for a moment, Seonghwa could pretend they were normal. Or whatever a normal, non-idol famous, gay relationship would look like in Korea.

“The outside, I get claustrophobic,” Seonghwa replied.

He chuckled lightly at him. “I figured as much, just thought I’d ask.” He turned off the lights and Seonghwa got out of the bed to let him in.

It was definitely small. With both of them on their backs, Seonghwa was about a hair’s width away from hanging off the bed. The last, and only, time they had slept in the bottom bunk together had been after they won Mnet Countdown. And they had been too tired and exhausted to even pay attention to how they slept in the small space.

But, Seonghwa was wide awake now. Should they spoon? Should Seonghwa just cuddle into Hongjoong? Should they just lay like that, on their backs and stiff as boards? That had just started “dating,” or whatever you wanted to call it, like two hours ago. Would cuddling be moving too fast? Sure, they had cuddled before but that was before they had kissed. And confessed their homosexual feelings for each other. Was cuddling too sexually charged now? Why was it so much more confusing now? Before they had just cuddled. No big deal. Except it _was_ a big deal and cuddling meant so much more now and –

Hongjoong whined lowly and shifted onto his side, bringing Seonghwa with him until they were positioned with Hongjoong’s front to Seonghwa’s back.

“Are you comfortable?” Hongjoong whispered near Seonghwa’s ear, sending chills down his spine.

Embarrassingly enough, he gave a half-whimpered, half-mumbled, “Yes,” in response.

“Good,” he breathed. “I’m sleepy. Goodnight, ‘Hwa.”

“Goodnight,” he whispered back.

He didn’t fall asleep for a long time that night, probably because of everything that had happened that day. His mind still reeling over the fact that all of it was real. That he really did hear Hongjoong’s steady inhales and exhales in his ear, that he really did feel Hongjoong’s heartbeat against his back, that he really did have Hongjoong’s fingers tucked underneath his arm.

Finally, he had Hongjoong above him in the stars, and right beside him in his bed.

*

He woke up before Hongjoong did. He blinked around the dim room, lit only from the vague morning lights seeping through the cracks in the curtains. He heard Hongjoong’s steady inhales and exhales clearly in his ear. During the night, Hongjoong must have curled into Seonghwa even tighter, as Seonghwa was further away from the edge of the mattress and Hongjoong’s leg was trapping Seonghwa underneath him.

So everything that had happened was real.

It wasn’t a dream, or a fantasy, or a delusion.

Hongjoong was Seonghwa’s now. It was all real.

The smell of Hongjoong, the feel of him, the warmth of him – all thickly enveloped Seonghwa in a blanket of comfort. He never wanted to leave this bed. He’d left before in the past. In their hotel rooms in Japan, Thailand. And afterwards he’d had to fight tooth and nail to get back to Hongjoong. He didn’t want to fight for Hongjoong anymore. He’d done enough of that for three years. He just wanted him. Easily, regularly, simply.

Seonghwa fumbled around for Hongjoong’s hand that limply lain across Seonghwa’s torso. He threaded his fingers through Hongjoong’s and squeezed as tight as he could, without waking Hongjoong up.

A sudden realization: Seonghwa had come out as gay.

To multiple people.

Three in fact. And probably more to come, with the way things were going.

Being gay didn’t feel any different than being straight. But probably because he hadn’t been straight in a long time – ever since he had met Hongjoong.

He should feel scared, right? Scared about being gay in a society so adamantly opposed to it. Scared about being gay in an industry so adamantly opposed to it. Scared about being gay with a family so adamantly opposed to it.

But he wasn’t scared at all.

He couldn’t afford be scared.

Hongjoong was the one who was going to be scared. He was the leader, the face of the group, a hyung, _the son of his father_. (Who hopefully would stay estranged for the good of Hongjoong.)

So Seonghwa couldn’t afford to be scared. Because someone had to be brave. And for once, Seonghwa was going to be brave. If anything, for Hongjoong.

Hongjoong’s fingers twitched in Seonghwa’s. Seonghwa loosened his grip a bit and gently rubbed the back of Hongjoong’s hand with the pad of his thumb. 

They would have to get up soon. They had practice all day again. But Seonghwa didn’t want to wake Hongjoong up. He didn’t want to let him go. Not ever again.

But against Seonghwa’s wishes, Hongjoong began to stir, groaning, soft and low; Seonghwa felt it heavy in his gut.

Seonghwa thought that Hongjoong probably realized what position they were in, because Hongjoong tensed – as if he suddenly became very alert and awake – and he started tugging his limbs away from Seonghwa. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to smush you last night,” he chuckled, voice still thick with sleep.

Hongjoong managed to pull his leg off of Seonghwa, but Seonghwa refused to allow Hongjoong’s arm to pull away too, instead keeping him close. “It’s fine, I don’t mind.”

Hongjoong squeezed their intertwined hands. “Did you sleep alright?”

“When I woke up, I thought I had dreamt everything.”

“I still think I’m asleep,” he murmured. “It doesn’t feel real. You being here with me, like this. Waking up next to you.”

“Do we have to go to practice today?” Seonghwa sighed.

Hongjoong snorted. “Unfortunately, we have responsibilities.”

“So? You’re the leader. Can’t you make something happen?”

“I wish.” He tried turning Seonghwa around to face him, but Seonghwa whined and buried his head into the mattress.

“Stop, I just woke up, I don’t look good.”

“‘Hwa, I’ve been living with you for years,” he scoffed. “I’ve seen you in every sort of way.”

“Okay, but things are _different_ now.”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

“Because I see you now just how I saw you yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. Nothing’s changed for me. The only difference is…now you know.”

Seonghwa perked up and moved his head slightly towards Hongjoong.

“Do you see me the same way?” Hongjoong continued. “Do you look at me differently in the morning versus at night? In makeup versus without? ...Or do you just see me?”

Seonghwa turned over, Hongjoong shifting to adjust to the change. Their linked hands came to rest in between them.

The sun had risen more, enough for Seonghwa to make out the vague features of Hongjoong’s face. His sharp nose, soft jaw, parted lips.

“You always look the same to me,” Seonghwa mused.

“Yeah?”

He nodded wordlessly.

“Is it okay if I kiss you? With morning breath and everything?”

Again, he nodded wordlessly.

Hongjoong drew near and their noses brushed. They sighed into each other’s mouths with a fluttering shut of eyes.

They ended up lingering in bed too long, making them have to rush to get ready for practice.

It was while Seonghwa was hurriedly shoving things into his bag that Hongjoong said: “Just act normal today, okay?”

“What _is_ normal?” He looked up at him.

Hongjoong thought for a moment before he quirked a smile. “Us being totally oblivious to each other.”

*

Seonghwa hadn’t been this nervous about a practice since pre-debut, back when he was still terrible at everything. Yunho, San, Wooyoung, and Jongho had all stared, persistently, at Hongjoong and Seonghwa once they finally emerged from their room. An intense glare from Hongjoong sent them all scrambling away, except for the brave Wooyoung who gave Seonghwa a wink.

He felt nauseous.

Hongjoong had been right. Seonghwa hadn’t understood the previous night. How things were going to be going forward. The awkwardness of it. The secrecy of it. Seonghwa knew good and well that Yunho, San, Wooyoung, and Jongho could assume correctly what had gone down between Seonghwa and Hongjoong. And by extension, Yeosang. But not Mingi. Poor Mingi.

So all these people knew, but Seonghwa couldn’t say anything about it. It was the huge elephant in the room, but they had to ignore it was there.

How did San and Wooyoung do it? How was he going to do it? Hongjoong seemed perfectly fine. Once they arrived at the company, Hongjoong did his normal thing. Talking to the staff, checking on the members, making everyone feel safe and comfortable and welcome.

And miraculously, the weirdness that was in the air at the dorm that morning had lifted once they got to the company – probably because everyone was in “work mode” now.

Of course, everyone except Seonghwa, who wasn’t participating in practices, so he got the job of minding that huge elephant in the room.

Jongho was sitting next to him, headphones in, running through sheets of music.

Seonghwa was basically left alone with his thoughts.

Always never a good thing.

See, now that everyone basically knew about him and Hongjoong, they were surely talking about it behind their backs. What were they saying? Probably things like “It was obvious since the beginning” and “Cute but lowkey gross” and “Ew, I’ll probably be able to hear everything they do in that room at night.”

But…what if they were actually saying things like: “When they break up, they’ll end up ruining everything”? And “Seonghwa-hyung doesn’t strike me as the gay type”? And “Hongjoong-hyung should have chosen Jinhyuk”?

Okay, yes, that last one was overdramatic. 

But Jinhyuk was still all over Hongjoong!

If Seonghwa could only tell one person about him and Hongjoong, it would be Jinhyuk so Seonghwa could finally stop having to watch him follow Hongjoong around all practice like a lost puppy.

And yes, he knew that Jinhyuk and Hongjoong weren’t a thing, for a multitude of reasons. But Jinhyuk got to do everything Seonghwa couldn’t. He got to follow Hongjoong around, give him hugs, get his one-on-one help.

Shit, all the other members got that treatment too. Everyone except him. Sure, logically he knew that it was because back at the dorm he got a _different_ kind of attention from Hongjoong. But now that he was getting that kind of _different_ attention from Hongjoong, shouldn’t Hongjoong stop giving everyone else so much attention? He had Seonghwa now, why did he need the company of anyone else?

But maybe he did need that company, because he was anticipating that one day he wouldn’t have Seonghwa. Maybe he was anticipating that him and Seonghwa would end very poorly, sabotaging the group, but since Hongjoong had all the other members on his own side, Seonghwa would be the one booted?

Fuck, even if Hongjoong didn’t have all the other members on his side, Seonghwa would still get the boot. Hongjoong was the leader. He was talented, important, useful. What did Seonghwa ever contribute? Besides sticking out his tongue and having mental breakdowns?

Why did Hongjoong even like Seonghwa in the first place? Seonghwa wasn’t talented, not attractive enough to be a model, and he wasn’t a good gay. A good gay meaning, a gay person who was confident and sure of their sexuality, and willing to tell it to the world.

Seonghwa was confident and sure about his feelings for Hongjoong. But about being gay? He wasn’t like Hongjoong, who’d known his sexuality for so many years. But without Hongjoong, was Seonghwa gay? He thought he might be, since girls bored him at this point, but how did he know? He didn’t like any other boys besides Hongjoong.

Did Hongjoong like any other boys besides Seonghwa?

Seonghwa’s chest felt tight, his hands sweaty, body twitchy. He was about to run for shelter in the bathroom when the instructor called for a lunch break, to the sigh of relief from everyone.

As he was getting up from his chair to follow everyone into the conference room, where they normally had food laid out for them, he saw Hongjoong and San talking to each other, with their eyes both darting over to Seonghwa briefly. Always a clear indication that someone was talking about you.

He watched as Hongjoong handed San his credit card and, sure enough, San came skipping over to Seonghwa waving Hongjoong’s card in the air. “Hyung! Hongjoong-hyung told me and you to go buy everyone some drinks!”

Seonghwa looked over at Hongjoong, who gave him nod, as if he was letting Seonghwa know that San was safe. Supposedly, a safe person to talk to. Something he desperately needed at the moment, lest he go completely insane.

He just really wanted that person to be Hongjoong instead.

*

“Hyung, has anyone ever told you that you have a very expressive face?” San asked Seonghwa as they were walking down the stairs.

He sighed. “Yes.”

“Like - ” San opened the door to the street and let Seonghwa go first. “I feel like I can tell exactly what you are thinking just by your facial expressions. Even now, with your face mask on.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“No, it is not a bad thing. I would rather know what someone is thinking than not know, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Seonghwa went to open the door to the 7-Eleven, when San interjected: “No, we are going to the fancy coffee place down the block.”

“Aren’t you hungry, though? That’ll take longer.”

San shrugged. “Yeah, but I want coffee more. Plussss,” he waved Hongjoong’s card at him. “We got this!”

He swiftly snatched it from him. “Give me this. You’ll make him go broke.”

“You just want to make sure he still has money left to buy you gifts.” San gave him a devious eyebrow quirk before heading in the direction of the coffee shop, leaving Seonghwa with no choice but to follow him.

He scoffed: “I don’t want or need him to buy me anymore gifts.”

San nodded. “Yeah, you just want attention more than anything now.”

“Exactly,” he said. And then: “Wait…what? How do you know that?”

He laughed. “Your face, hyung! It says everything. Like how you are still jealous of Jinhyuk, even though Hongjoong-hyung would rather kiss Mingi than Jinhyuk.”

Well, that was an image Seonghwa would never be able to erase from his brain. “I’m not jealous! I’m just…selfish, I guess.”

“Will you stop saying that?” he huffed. “You are not a selfish person, but humor me, why do _you_ think you are a selfish person?”

“I want him to spend all his time with me and no one else. See? Selfish.”

San laughed, once again. “Jesus, Hyung. That is not you being selfish. That is how you are supposed to feel when you are in love.”

“Woah, woah, woah, I never said that I was _in love_ with Hongjoong,” he quickly interjected.

“Yeah, okay, whatever,” San sniggered.

He rolled his eyes. “Okay well, are you that selfish with Wooyoung?”

“Not _selfish_ , Hyung. And…yes, yes I am. The difference is how you deal with it. I do not own Wooyoung, so I know I cannot spend every waking moment with him. If you love something you let it go, you know?”

“But you and Wooyoung are lucky. You guys are openly affectionate with each other, so you have more time to spend. See, Hongjoong doesn’t want to do that.”

Seonghwa and San stopped in front of the coffee shop. “Hongjoong-hyung is trying to protect you. You need to let him.”

“I don’t want to be protected!” he tried to keep his voice down, but failed, earning a shush from San. He continued on at a lower volume: “I don’t care if people know about me and Hongjoong.”

“You should.”

“So we shouldn’t tell the other members about us, is that what you’re saying?”

San tilted his head. “They are not who Hyung is trying to protect you from.” He opened the door for Seonghwa and ushered for him to enter.

They continued their conversation in hushed tones as they waited in line. “Do you think I’m being unreasonable?” Seonghwa asked.

“No, there is an adjustment period to be made at first. Also, congratulations, by the way. It is about time you two finally got together. Just do not be too loud at night.”

Seonghwa hissed and pinched San’s arm.

“I am just saying! You guys share a wall with me and Yunho!”

He pinched San’s arm a bit harder.

They ordered enough coffees and teas that they could carry, which ended up being twelve, enough for the eight members plus some staff members.

“When did you know you were gay?” Seonghwa asked as they were walking back to the company with drink carriers in both of their hands.

San nearly dropped one of the drink carriers at the question. “Oh fuck, that was a close one. Um…”

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “That was a personal question. You don’t have to answer.”

“No, Hyung, it is okay. Woo told me that he always knew. Like Hongjoong-hyung. But - ” he paused to sigh. “I grew up really religious, you know? So, in my mind, it was never a possibility. I did not realize until I came here and met Woo. So, it is hard to answer. I never was really into girls in school. So, for all I know, I have been gay for my whole life.”

“But you’d say you were gay now, right? That’s how you’d identify?”

San nodded. “If I had that luxury, sure.”

Seonghwa fell silent.

“Hyunggg?” San drawled. “Come on, I know there is more than that. I can see your eyebrows all pinched. What is wrong?”

He groaned. “Doesn’t…doesn’t Hongjoong deserve someone like that, instead of me?”

“Someone like what?”

“Someone who knows that they’re gay? For sure?”

“Wait, I am confused. I thought you said you were - ” Someone passed closely beside them on the street, so San lowered his voice: “ _Gay_? It is okay if you are not, obviously. But…?”

“I _think_ I am. But, how am I supposed to know?” Seonghwa asked. “The only boy I’ve ever been attracted to is Hongjoong. What if it’s a fluke? What if it’s a phase? What if - ”

“What if you are thinking too hard?” he cut him off.

“He deserves someone who knows that sort of thing! What if I wake up one morning and like girls again? What if I single-handedly destroy ATEEZ because I decide I’m actually straight after all?”

“Okay fine, it is easy. Just stay friends with Hongjoong-hyung. I am sure he will understand. Problem solved.”

“San-ahhh,” he whined. “I’m serious.”

“No, hyung, listen,” San’s voice grew firmer and harsher. “Hongjoong-hyung makes you happy, but overthinking like this will ruin it all. _You_ will ruin your _own_ relationship. Let all of these worries go. They are just that: worries. It does not matter what you identify as, and I highly doubt you will wake up one morning and not like Hyung anymore. Everyone has seen the way you look at him. And if you have any more worries, just talk to him about it! Okay?”

“But – ” Seonghwa started.

San cut him off with a cold glare. “Now,” he switched the subject, “A more pressing matter…is he a good kisser?”

If Seonghwa didn’t have drinks in both of his hands he would’ve pinched San’s arm, yet again.

When they got back to the company, Hongjoong was the first one to greet them, hurriedly taking the drinks from Seonghwa and flashing him a wide smile.

A few moments later, when San passed him by, he whispered in Seonghwa’s ear: “See? He lovesssss you.”

Hands now free, Seonghwa was free to actually pinch his arm this time.

Once he had sat down at the table and started filling his plate with food, Hongjoong asked him a question from down the table. “‘Hwa? Did you make it back and forth okay?”

It was a question that probably sounded innocent to many. But to Seonghwa, he knew what the underlying meaning was. So, he nodded and replied: “Yes, and thank you for paying.”

Hongjoong gave him a quick wink and Seonghwa’s heart pounded in his chest. “You’ll have to give me back my card eventually though, you know.”

“Nah, I think I’ll hold on to it,” Seonghwa smirked, shoving his mouth full of rice.

*

It was that night, once they were back in their dorm room, that Hongjoong brought up Seonghwa’s coffee journey again, only, it seemed that at some point he had consulted San about it, because Hongjoong said: “San told me you have a lot of worries.”

Seonghwa’s cheeks burned. “That bastard,” he cursed.

“‘Hwa, I don’t want you to have a lot of worries.” He gestured for them both to sit on the bottom bunk.

Seonghwa sat down and chuckled. “Oh, I _always_ have a lot of worries.”

“Okay, well, tell me about it.”

He shook his head. “You have enough to worry about. The things I worry about aren’t important, they’re dumb.”

“Well…” Hongjoong looked at him earnestly. “I think they’re important, because I think you’re important.”

Seonghwa swallowed thickly. “I just don’t want to mess anything up.”

“What would you mess up?”

“Us. The group.”

“How?”

“What if – ” He fidgeted a bit and looked down at his lap. “What if we don’t work out? What if people find out? What if I’m not actually gay?”

He could feel Hongjoong tense without even looking at him. “Are you, um…what, are not sure?” Hongjoong’s voice sounded pinched.

Seonghwa rubbed his forehead. “No, ugh, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, I feel like that’s something that very much needs to be said. The last thing I want to do is pressure you into feeling or doing anything.”

“You’re not pressuring me!” he hurriedly said. “It’s just…you don’t choose to be gay. Right? And you don’t choose to be straight. So what if I wake up one morning, and it turns out that the universe chose me to be straight after all?”

Hongjoong didn’t respond, so Seonghwa continued: “You’ve known for years what you are. But I’ve only known for days. And I’m so fucking unlucky, that it wouldn’t surprise me at all if the universe changed its mind about me.”

There was a long pause. Seonghwa looked up at Hongjoong to see the corner of his mouth twitch. “I remember when I thought I was unlucky…I remember when I first met you, and I thought that the universe must be fucking joking. I had finally got my dream. I got into a company…I was getting to learn and create and grow. I was probably gonna eventually debut. People were actually going to listen to my music someday. And then one day they brought you in.”

Hongjoong met Seonghwa’s eyes and gave him a nervous, sad smile. “When I saw you, I knew I was screwed,” he continued. “You were, _are_ , so attractive. And I couldn’t have you. You were straight, I was in the closet. It felt so cruel. You were so close but yet…Anyways, I eventually realized, it was probably a good thing. My only solace became that you were straight. It kept my feelings for you distant. Like a fantasy that would never come true.

“So when you came to me last night, telling me you were gay. That you liked me back…I got scared. I’d spent so many years convinced that I would never be with you in that way. I’d gotten used to it. It was comfortable for me. And so I…I denied it. And I’m so, so sorry for doing that. I didn’t mean to confuse you any further.”

Seonghwa shook his head and opened his mind to rebut, but Hongjoong cut him off: “Hang on, let me finish. Please don’t over-analyze your feelings, okay? You’ll only get trapped in them. Embrace your feelings because their yours and yours alone.” Hongjoong shuddered out a sigh, indicating that he had said everything he wanted to say.

Jiggling his foot, Seonghwa tried to prevent a small smile from escaping. “So you – so you’ve thought I was attractive for that long, huh?”

He groaned and rolled his eyes. “Please tell me you got more out of my speech than that.”

“Yeah, you were mean to me because you _liked_ me.”

“Hey, I wasn’t _mean_ to you.”

Seonghwa scoffed. “Yeah, you definitely were.”

“Okay yeah,” he relented. “I was kinda mean to you. I’m sorry.”

He grabbed Hongjoong’s hand. “Hm, you’re forgiven.”

“Thank you,” Hongjoong squeezed Seonghwa’s hand.

“So, the universe. Do you think it will be that cruel to us?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Because it gave me you.” 

Seonghwa blushed at that. “Do you want to know how I’m feeling now?”

“How?”

“Like I want to kiss you,” he beamed.

Hongjoong scrunched up his nose and pretended to gag. “Oh booo, that was cheesy.”

“Really?” he scoffed. “What about your line? About how the universe gave you me? Huh? That was cheesy but I still liked it.”

“I never said I didn’t like your cheesiness.” He pouted his bottom lip a bit and grabbed Seonghwa’s hand, tugging him closer.

He let go of Hongjoong’s hand, to instead put his hands on Hongjoong’s face, bringing him in for a lingering kiss.

When Hongjoong pulled back, he was looking at Seonghwa with a lazy grin on his face. “I hope you know that I wish we didn’t have to be like this. I wish we could be like San and Woo. I wish we could be even more than that. But I also want to protect us. I want to protect you.”

“I know.” Seonghwa ran his thumb over Hongjoong’s bottom lip. “But at least we have our time in here.”

Hongjoong kissed Seonghwa’s thumb. “For now. Don’t forget we’re moving soon.”

Right. Hongjoong had gifted Seonghwa with a room of his own.

And that reminded Seonghwa that there was something he needed to do.

*

He got used to playing coy in public regarding Hongjoong. In fact, he even started to enjoy it a bit. It was thrilling getting to kiss and hug and cuddle Hongjoong as much as he wanted to at night, and then go forth the following day like none of it had taken place. It led to lots of sly glances, playful winks, and knowing smiles. And it all added to how much Seonghwa _craved_ Hongjoong. Whenever he finally got his hands on Hongjoong after a long day of “Hongjoong starvation,” as he liked to call it, it felt almost electric. It was like a game, and Seonghwa enjoyed playing it.

Once they got back to the dorm after Kcon, Seonghwa was ready to fucking jump Hongjoong’s bones. Since Seonghwa hadn’t performed, he got to watch from off stage, and with no one really around paying attention to him, he got to turn all of his own attention towards Hongjoong. It was so different from watching Hongjoong’s fancams. (Not that he watched those religiously or anything…) Hongjoong was much more dynamic in person. A camera would never be able to capture that. His energy was five times bigger than his body. He was clearly made for the stage.

When he closed the door to their room, he turned and looked at Hongjoong, who was in the process of sludging himself over to the bottom bunk.

“I’m exhausted,” Hongjoong groaned, tossing himself onto the bunk. “You know, you’re lucky, getting to sit out.”

Seonghwa stood in front of him. “I know, I got to watch you the whole time.”

He sat up in the bed and gave Seonghwa a coy smile. “Shut up.”

“You did a good job, as always.” He gulped. “And you looked hot, as always.”

Hongjoong’s eyebrows raised. “I looked hot?”

He nodded shyly. “Your stage presence is very…intense.”

Hongjoong’s cheeks flushed and he swatted his hand. “Oh, whatever.”

Seonghwa sat next to him on the bunk, but Hongjoong quickly jumped up.

“Ahhh, I really need to shower,” Hongjoong fretted.

“You say _after_ laying in our bed all dirty,” he pointed out.

Hongjoong’s mouth quirked up. “ _Our_ bed?”

He had said “our bed” hadn’t he? He hadn’t even realized. But it _was_ their bed. They had been sleeping in it together every night. It was first Hongjoong’s, and then Seonghwa’s, and now theirs. But, too embarrassed, Seonghwa didn’t reply.

Hongjoong braced his forearms on the mid-section of the bunk bed and leaned down. “I think we should tell the others soon,” he murmured.

His eyes cut up to Hongjoong’s. “Why?”

Hongjoong gave a him a puzzled look. “Because next week we won’t be sharing a room? We won’t have a bed anymore. We’ll have to coordinate like San and Wooyoung.”

“Oh. That.” Seonghwa glanced down and noticed Hongjoong’s shirt riding up, exposing a clear stretch of skin leading to the waistband of his jeans that he had changed into before coming back to the dorm. He reached out and brushed the tips of his fingers against Hongjoong’s skin.

Hongjoong sucked in his breath. “Yes, _that_.”

“I told Mingi he could have the room.”

He jolted in surprise, one of his hands coming down to cover where Seonghwa’s hand was on his waist. “You did?”

Seonghwa had texted Mingi a few days ago, telling him that he could have the single room and that if he told a single soul he’d change his mind again. He wanted Hongjoong to find out directly from him, not from Mingi’s gloating or Wooyoung’s teasing or Jongho’s whining. “You didn’t think I would?”

“I don’t know…I figured you might have thought it would be a more appropriate sleeping arrangement.”

He tucked his thumb into Hongjoong’s belt loop. “Do – do you think it would be more appropriate?”

“Honestly? Yes.” He clicked his tongue and Seonghwa held his breath. “…But, I don’t want to room with anyone else.”

Seonghwa exhaled. “And I don’t want to be alone,” he said softly.

“No,” Hongjoong whispered. He dipped his head down, closer to Seonghwa’s.

He could feel Hongjoong’s breath skate across his face. They had kissed several times since that one night in the practice room. The first kiss between them had been curious – like something that had just been discovered. And gradually, it had become comforting. Something Seonghwa looked forward to after a long day. But now, with Hongjoong’s warm breath tangling with his own, it was no longer comforting. Instead, it was awakening. A hot pit in his stomach type of awakening. A feeling he knew very well.

A feeling that led to Seonghwa to tug on Hongjoong’s belt loop, crushing their lips together.

Caught off guard, Hongjoong gasped into his mouth. He took his hand off of Seonghwa’s to grab ahold of Seonghwa’s hair instead, his other hand still keeping him braced on the side of the bunk.

With Seonghwa sitting down as he was, and Hongjoong stretched out above him like he was, it gave the illusion of Hongjoong being bigger, more massive than Seonghwa.

Seonghwa was feeling _turned on_.

He wanted more. So, he hesitantly prodded Hongjoong’s lips with the tip of his tongue. Hongjoong’s fingers twitched in Seonghwa’s hair, and he opened his mouth, allowing Seonghwa’s tongue to plunge in. It quickly found Hongjoong’s tongue – rough and strong and hot.

But yet he still wanted more. He moved his hand from Hongjoong’s belt loop, up his bare waist, and then across his warm abdomen – pushing his shirt up along the way. His abdomen was firm under his fingertips, firmer than what Seonghwa had expected. Which only added on to his feelings of wanting and needing _more_.

Hongjoong’s fingers twisted firmly in Seonghwa’s hair and tugged his head backwards, pulling their lips apart. “‘Hwa,” he breathed. His eyes were wild. Roaming over Seonghwa’s face, eyelashes fluttering every time he blinked. His chest heaved as he panted, almost breathless.

At this point, Seonghwa had a raging boner. Hongjoong yanking his hair had only solidified that. Well, at least Seonghwa knew he was definitely gay now.

He whined and pouted, using both of his hands to tug on Hongjoong, trying to pull him down on top of him. He didn’t even know what he wanted. What was the next step? Clothes off? Dicks out? He wasn’t sure. All he wanted was Hongjoong.

Unfortunately, Hongjoong resisted Seonghwa’s attempts to get him on the bunk. He let go of his hair, smoothing the locks as he did, before crouching down on the ground.

Seonghwa’s hands fell uselessly. He let out another whine.

“Let’s not go too fast,” Hongjoong said, head tilted up towards him.

He frowned and grabbed a pillow, putting it in his lap.

Hongjoong gave a lingering look at the pillow but didn’t say anything.

“Well, why not?” Seonghwa asked.

“Because now that I know we’re still going to be sharing a room, there’s no reason to rush.” He grabbed ahold of Seonghwa’s hand and gave it a little shake. “I like this being new. I want it to stay that way for as long as possible.

“Plus,” Hongjoong continued, “you know…going forward is a big deal.” He winced and shook his head. “Not that I’m saying sex is a big deal, in that sort of way. I think we all put too much emphasis on it, with the whole marriage shit and everything. I mean like, it’s a big deal because this is new for both of us. And I want you to be comfortable. I don’t want to traumatize you, or make you feel like you have to do something. Which we don’t. I said sex but we don’t have to have sex, I’m perfectly fine with the way things are now and - ”

Seonghwa cut off his rambling with a shush. “It’s okay. You’re right.” He threaded their fingers together. “I was getting ahead of myself there,” he chuckled.

“Ohhh,” he gave an awkward giggle, “I’m not exactly complaining. I didn’t pull on your hair too hard, did I? Please let me know if I ever hurt you, okay?”

“No, you didn’t! I, um…I – I kind of liked it.”

He raised his eyebrows. “You did?”

Seonghwa shyly looked down and nodded.

Hongjoong took his free hand and pinched the back of his hand that was holding Seonghwa’s.

Seonghwa laughed. “What did you do that for?”

“Had to make sure I wasn’t dreaming,” he grinned.

“I’d hope you’d have better dreams than this.”

Hongjoong shook his head. “Never.”

“Well,” he gave him a mischievous look. “Do you know what else I like?”

“What?”

“When you leaned over me earlier.” Seonghwa gestured upwards.

He smirked and bit his lip. “You mean, like this?” He let go of Seonghwa’s hand and stood up, bracing his arm on the bunk like he had earlier.

“Hm, I think you were a bit closer than that.”

Hongjoong slowly leaned forward. “How about now?”

He contemplated for a moment. “No, a little bit closer.”

Hongjoong leaned further, so that their noses were a hairs width apart. “And now?”

“Closer,” Seonghwa breathed.

He closed the space between them, giving Seonghwa a firm, wet kiss on the mouth. He pulled back, looking at Seonghwa with a very amused face. “Was that close enough?”

His breath hitched in his throat, and all he could do was respond dumbly with a nod.

“You think you can boss me around when I’m the leader?” Hongjoong teased.

Seonghwa smirked. “You’re not the leader in here. I’m Matz’s leader.”

“Oh really?” he smiled. “Well then, can you order me to take a shower? Because I’m very tired and would very much like to cuddle up and fall asleep with you.”

He played along, stoking his chin. “Hmm, I’ll allow it. Make it quick.”

“Yes, sir!” he barked, before giving Seonghwa a quick peck on the top of his head.

Once they were all freshly cleaned, changed into their pajamas, and intertwined together in the bottom bunk, Seonghwa whispered: “Do you know what else I like?”

“What?” Hongjoong hummed into his ear.

“Us still being a secret. It’s fun sneaking around. Just getting to have you all to myself without anyone knowing.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.”

Hongjoong yawned. “Well, we can keep our secret for a bit longer. We should still tell everyone at some point though – the other boys, I mean.”

Seonghwa nestled his head in the crook of Hongjoong’s neck. “Yeah, of course.” He snuck a peak up at Hongjoong’s bright, yellow constellation above them. He whispered sadly: “We’re gonna have to leave all of our stars.”

“Mhm,” Hongjoong sounded sleepy and distant. “But I’ll get you more stars.”

*

“What the hell is going on in here?”

Seonghwa snapped his head up and waved his hands at Hongjoong. “Don’t touch anything! I’ve finally gotten a method.”

Hongjoong looked around their room from the doorway. “Really? ‘Cause it looks like you just took everything out of the boxes and put them into piles.”

“ _Sorting_ piles!” He scrambled up from the floor. “And I’ve finally figured out what our room’s aesthetic is gonna to be!”

“Our aesthetic?”

Seonghwa gave an exasperated sigh. “Yes, _aesthetic_. Our last room was mess. Us moving is a chance to start from scratch. You know, actually have a _pretty_ room now. Which means, you aren’t allowed to hang your crap everywhere anymore. I’ve ordered you a cabinet.”

Hongjoong put his hand on his chest. “My crap?”

He ignored him. “Envision this!” He turned and waved his hands in front of a bare wall. “Shelves from there to there, all full of our albums. It’s gonna be our aesthetic: clean, minimalistic, organized, and ATEEZ.” He turned back around and looked at Hongjoong. “What do you think? Do you like it?”

“Sure,” he softly smiled. “Whatever you want. You’re in charge.”

“Good, because I already ordered the shelves.”

Hongjoong tsked. “Can you please get me before you buy anything else so I can give you my card? You don’t need to be buying everything yourself.”

Seonghwa jumped up and down on the balls of his feet, excitedly. “Oh that reminds me! I can’t decide on a rug, can you help me?”

“A rug?” Hongjoong shut their door and walked over Seonghwa.

He took out his phone and started tapping through some of the webpages he had pulled up. “Well, I want it to be a good size. But I also want it to match everything, you know? Our bedspreads are muted colors, so you can either go that route, or go for an accent piece. Like something that would pop. Maybe something that matches the albums? Like a red or blue?”

Hongjoong looked down at Seonghwa’s phone. “Is all of this really necessary though?”

“Well, the floor in here is gonna be cold in the morning, and a rug would be nice.”

“No, I mean - ” he sought out Seonghwa’s gaze, “Is any of this necessary to have? The cabinet, and the shelves, and the rug? We don’t spend much time here anyways.”

Seonghwa stiffened and put his phone back in his pocket. “You might not, but I do. Sorry if I’m trying to make this feel like a home.” He bent down to continue rifling through a pile of their belongings.

“Ugh, ‘Hwaaa,” he drawled.

“Just go back to where you were, talking with all the managers or producer hyungs or whatever.”

Hongjoong grabbed ahold of the sweater Seonghwa was clutching in his hands. “Come on.”

“No. Leave me alone,” he sniffed.

Hongjoong snatched it from him anyways, throwing it back into the pile, and tugged on Seonghwa’s wrists.

“Stoppp.”

Hongjoong dragged him over to the bunkbed. “Come on,” he repeated.

Seonghwa groaned. “What do you want?”

Hongjoong fell back onto the bottom bunk, bringing Seonghwa down with him.

“Joong-ahhh!” He tried to get up from the bunk, but Hongjoong tugged him back down.

Hongjoong pulled him in close, bringing Seonghwa’s head to rest on his chest. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? You’re doing this all by yourself and I was a dick.”

He breathed Hongjoong’s scent in deeply. “You were sort of a dick, yeah.”

“To make it up to you, I’ll give you my credit card. Buy as many shelves and rugs as you want.”

“No, you don’t have to do that,” he giggled.

“Hey.” Hongjoong nudged Seonghwa’s chin so he would look up. “Yes I do. You take care of me, I take care of you.”

The slightest shiver ran down Seonghwa’s spine. “O-okay. Well then. What color rug do you want? You know, if you’re buying and everything.”

“Hmmm, surprise me.”

*

Seonghwa wished he had more time and energy to give to their new dorm room. But with all of the practices and filming leading up to their comeback, it was slow going. Still no decision on a rug (he was between a white fluffy one and a blue shaggy one), still several more piles of stuff to go through, still a whole entire cabinet to assemble for Hongjoong. He had gotten impatient and went ahead and put up their shelves and albums, eager to present it to Hongjoong. He got some _very_ good kisses in return. 

It was good being able to practice again, though. No more sitting at that stupid desk with Jongho. However, he did technically have that desk to thank for his current relationship with Hongjoong…

He also had to start really grinding to maintain his abs he had carefully gotten over the past several months. So hard to obtain, and yet so easy to lose. It meant more dieting and more exercise. It didn’t help that Hongjoong always tried to tempt him with food, since the lucky bastard was one of the only members not on a diet, other than Yunho. None of dieting members particularly liked their diets (other than Jongho, but Jongho was Jongho), but they knew they were a necessary evil in order to look good on stage.

The first couple of weeks on his diet, Seonghwa had felt really shitty at practice. But his body got used to the regimen, and he soon learned how far he could push himself, and what exactly his limitations were.

But one practice there was a scare. Not involving Seonghwa, strangely enough.

It was actually Wooyoung. Who announced that he wasn’t feeling well, and that he was going to go sit down for a minute, before he promptly fainted.

San, of course, freaked out - running over and babbling in Wooyoung’s ear.

Yunho held up Wooyoung’s legs as their instructor shoved San aside and started talking to Wooyoung in a more calming manner. Yeosang brought over Wooyoung’s water bottle while a company noona rushed in with a cold rag and a protein bar.

Hongjoong called for the members to take a break and give them some space as they helped out Wooyoung.

Seonghwa led Yeosang, Mingi, and Jongho out into the hall, where they sat up against a wall, too stunned and worried to say anything. A more sensitive Mingi started sniffling and Yeosang patted his knee, murmuring that Wooyoung would be alright.

Hongjoong soon enough came out into the hall as well, running his fingers through his hair. He crouched down in front of Seonghwa. “Have you eaten today?” he asked softly.

Seonghwa gave him a puzzled look. “Yes? You saw me eat this morning. Why?”

Hongjoong nodded and rested his hand on Seonghwa’s knee. “I know, I know. Just making sure.” He turned his head to look at the other boys, and they were all staring at Seonghwa and Hongjoong. Hongjoong quickly dropped his hand. “Wooyoung’s going to be fine,” he said to the group. “We just don’t need to push so hard. That goes for practices and performances. That’s how people get hurt.”

Yunho came out into the hall wearing a grim expression. “He is awake and everything now. They are going to take him to the doctor though, just to make sure he is alright. He says he probably just needed to eat something.”

Hongjoong stood up from the ground. “Thank you, Yunho-yah,” he patted him on the back. He looked back at the group: “I’m sure we’ll resume practice soon. Just chill for a bit, okay?” He unlocked his phone and started typing, walking away.

Yunho moved to sit in front of Mingi while Seonghwa watched as Hongjoong walked down the hallway. He sat there for a moment, tapping his fingers anxiously on the tiled ground, before he clambered up off the ground and followed Hongjoong.

He found Hongjoong a ways down the hallway, leaning up against a wall, typing furiously on his phone. “Hongjoong-ah,” he said.

He looked up from his phone with a sigh. “Yah, sorry I walked away, I just didn’t want to get mad in front of everyone.”

“Mad?”

Hongjoong looked around at the empty hallway before grabbing Seonghwa’s wrist and dragging him into one of the smaller bathrooms, turning on the lights and locking the door behind them. “I don’t - ” he shoved his phone into his pocket and crossed his arms, “I don’t really like this… _dieting business_. Wooyoung wouldn’t have fainted if he was eating like he should be.”

“I’m dieting and I didn’t faint. Same with Jongho and Yeosang and Mingi.”

“Okay, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t tomorrow. Or they won’t the next day. And look at you,” Hongjoong gestured at Seonghwa’s torso. “You’re so skinny now.”

Seonghwa narrowed his eyes. “What’s wrong with the way I look?”

“Nothing. I don’t care how you look. And you shouldn’t care either. Nobody should be dieting to look better for anyone.”

“No one is _making_ me diet or exercise. It’s my choice. Just like nobody told Wooyoung to skip meals.”

“And yet you guys still _are_ ,” Hongjoong’s eyes grew wide. “And the managers, the staff, they’re allowing it. And I can’t do anything about it.”

His temper was starting to flare. “Not everyone has the same confidence about their bodies as you do.”

“You think I’m confident about my body?” he scoffed. “I’m short and small and dainty. Do you think I like looking at pictures where I’m standing next to Yunho or Mingi or even you?”

“What do you mean: _Even me_?” he spit.

“I don’t like being shorter than you. Nor do I like being shorter than all the other boys too. Nor did I like always being the shortest in my classes either. But you know, that’s the hand I was dealt in life. You can either accept it or let it bother you.”

“Or,” Seonghwa drawled. “You can change what you don’t like. Life’s too short to spend it in a body you hate.”

Hongjoong gave him a sad smile. “There’s no reason to put fresh paint on a house that’s broken, ‘Hwa.”

Seonghwa’s lip quivered and he looked down at his body. Was he too skinny? Had he lost too much weight? Did Hongjoong not like the way he looked? Should he start eating more again? Did Hongjoong ever like the way Seonghwa looked? “Well, I don’t think you’re too short,” he mumbled.

“Thank you.” He stretched out his arms and Seonghwa took the invitation, wrapping his arms around Hongjoong’s waist. Hongjoong stood up on his tiptoes, wrapping his arms around Seonghwa’s neck. “And I don’t care if you choose to diet,” he murmured into Seonghwa’s ear. “I just want you to be safe. I worry about you.”

He buried his face in Hongjoong’s shoulder. “You don’t think I’m too skinny?” he asked, muffled.

“First off, you shouldn’t care what I think. And secondly: do you think you’re too skinny?”

“No, I thought I looked fine,” Seonghwa said.

“And you do look fine. You _always_ look fine. Amazing, in fact.”

Seonghwa pulled his face out of Hongjoong’s shoulder. “You like the way I look?”

“I fucking _love_ the way you look,” Hongjoong said.

He smiled. “Really?”

“Really. But I want you to eat tteokbokki with me some day again. Life’s too short to miss out on good food.”

Seonghwa happily swayed with Hongjoong. “Okay, deal.”

*

Wooyoung ended up seeing the doctor and everything checked out. No bumps or bruises from fainting, and the doctor told Wooyoung it was probably caused by low blood sugar, so he ordered Wooyoung to snack regularly throughout the day and drink plenty of water. Hongjoong ended up enacting that rule amongst all the other boys too, while also enforcing it more strictly on Seonghwa. Though, Seonghwa didn’t mind too much. It meant more attention from Hongjoong.

He finally chose a rug for their room! He went with the blue, knowing it was Hongjoong’s favorite color and that it would be a nice surprise for him. He also put together Hongjoong’s cabinet and upon finishing, gave Hongjoong strict instructions on how he expected Hongjoong to use it. He didn’t want to see any more of Hongjoong’s belts, hats, or bags strewn throughout their room.

He was showing off their completed room to San and Wooyoung one day after filming, while Hongjoong had gone to the studio, when Wooyoung asked abruptly: “So have you two done the nasty yet?”

Seonghwa paused and blinked furiously, whilst San slapped Wooyoung in the abdomen. “Excuse me?” Seonghwa managed to squeak out.

“Ignore him,” San said.

“I am just saying,” Wooyoung continued anyways, “that you definitely deserve at least a blowjob after doing all of this for him.”

San gasped. “Ew, Woo!”

A blowjob? “We – um, we haven’t even told everybody yet,” Seonghwa stuttered, trying not to think too much about of the visual of Hongjoong giving him a blowjob. He distracted himself by lovingly fingering his ever-growing lavender and Christmas cactus plants on his desk.

“Yeah…about that.” San grimaced and scratched his head.

Wooyoung gave a similar look and Seonghwa immediately panicked. “What? Does everybody already know?”

San nodded and Wooyoung said, “Everybody except Mingi. The normal suspects.”

“Ohmygod,” Seonghwa rubbed his forehead and sunk down onto his bunk. “How did they find out?”

“What do you mean how did they find out?” Wooyoung laughed. “The same way they found out about us and about Hongjoong. It is the unspoken common knowledge.”

“Jesus fucking Christ…” Seonghwa needed to tell Hongjoong. What were they going to do? Address it so it’d be out in the open? Just carry on like they had been? What if all the boys were secretly mad at them for not telling them already? “What does everyone think?” he asked.

“Um, Hyung, I think everyone mostly saw this coming. When I say you two were obvious, you two were _obvious_.”

“Ugh, great,” Seonghwa groaned. “Is anyone upset that we haven’t told everyone?”

Wooyoung shook his head. “No…I do not think so.”

“Except Mingi,” San pointed out glumly. “You know…since he still does not know. We should probably tell him at some point. About everything, not just you and Hongjoong.”

Seonghwa sighed and ultimately nodded. “Let me talk to Hongjoong about it, before any of us tell him anything…we all need to be on the same page.”

San and Wooyoung agreed to Seonghwa’s plan, and once they left, they left Seonghwa with a lot to think about. More importantly, the Mingi situation. Less importantly…the blowjob situation. Yes, Mingi needed to be told what was going on, especially since everyone else knew but him. But also….

Should he and Hongjoong have already done stuff? Like…sexually? It had been several weeks since they had first kissed. Were they going too slow? Hongjoong had said he had wanted to go slow…

Did Hongjoong not want to do sexual stuff with him? Was Seonghwa not good enough?

But also….did _Seonghwa_ want to do sexual stuff with Hongjoong? He knew he was sexually attracted to Hongjoong (that was something he worked out for himself awhile ago), but could he see himself touching or sucking or…?

It was almost weird to think about, since he had known Hongjoong for so long. It was daunting, scary, strange. Was that a bad thing? Did Hongjoong think it was weird to think about too?

When Hongjoong finally came back home from the studio, he decided to just rip off the band-aid.

“Woo said that you owe me a blowjob.”

Hongjoong froze, his hand still on the door handle after closing it. “He said _what_?”

Why the fuck had he started with _that_? Why didn’t he start with the Mingi situation? That was far more important and far less awkward. What the fuck was wrong with him? “He also said that everybody knows about us. Well, except Mingi.” Had he lost the ability to think clearly? It was like the words were spilling out of his mouth without any consent.

“Shit. Wow,” Hongjoong’s eyebrows lifted. “Sounds like you’ve had an eventful day.”

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly.

Hongjoong walked towards him and took off his backpack. “Hang on, there’s something I wanna do first. Then we talk about all of this. Close your eyes.”

“Close my eyes?”

He started unzipping his bag and gave Seonghwa a stern look. “Yep. Close ‘em.”

“You better have not gotten me a present,” he covered his eyes with his hands. “It’s not even my birthday.”

“Hush.”

Seonghwa heard Hongjoong taking something out of his backpack, and then rustling around with what sounded like a box and some paper, and then scrambling around the room, and then finally flicking off the room lights.

“Okay, open your eyes now,” Hongjoong said.

Seonghwa opened his eyes and saw _stars_. Thousands of them. All over the ceiling, the walls, furniture, the floor. Bright and white and warm and _everywhere_. “Oh my god,” he murmured.

“Do you like it?” Hongjoong stood next to what looked like a round projector sitting on his desk, with his hands wrung together and a wide smile on his face. “I said I’d get you more.”

Tears pricked in his eyes and he found that he couldn’t speak. What was there to say? He didn’t even really deserve one star, but Hongjoong had gotten him all of them.

Seonghwa stood up from the bottom bunk and walked over to Hongjoong.

Hongjoong waited for him - watched as he drew closer.

Once he was standing in front of him, he ran his hands up Hongjoong’s arms, all while gazing down at him. At the angle they were, the projector was casting stars across Hongjoong’s face. And he looked as he always did: beautiful.

Seonghwa bent down and his lips easily found Hongjoong’s. Hongjoong stumbled back a step, but Seonghwa held him close and brought him even closer and closer and closer – brushing his hands up Hongjoong’s arms, to his shoulders, to rest on his neck. He tilted Hongjoong’s head to the side with his hands. Their noses brushed. Tongues met. All underneath the stars.

Finally, Seonghwa pulled back to breathe, and whispered: “You do too much for me.”

He shook his head and muttered “No,” before leaning in to continue kissing Seonghwa.

It was a smattering of long kisses, short pecks, inhaling, exhaling, hands going all different directions. At one point, Hongjoong pulled back and asked: “Do you want me to lock the door?”

All Seonghwa could do was nod and move to sit on the bunk as Hongjoong locked their door. His mind was almost completely empty, save for a single thought: He would do anything for Kim Hongjoong. Absolutely anything. Be loyal to a fault. Give him anything and everything he could ever want.

Go to the ends of the Earth for him.

Hongjoong obviously got shy after he returned from locking the door, because he lingered in front of the bunk, almost refusing to sit down. He took off his beanie and fumbled with it in his hands before tossing it to the side.

Seonghwa patted the space next to him and Hongjoong relented, brushing his hair with his fingers as he sat down.

He hummed to himself, reaching out to push Hongjoong’s fingers out of the way so he could fix Hongjoong’s hair himself. Hongjoong watched him, silent, with wide eyes. Seonghwa took his time. Observing how Hongjoong’s bangs fell on his forehead. The bounce they had as he ran his fingers through him. The color the blue was in the dimly lit room.

With Seonghwa’s hands still in his hair, an impatient Hongjoong moved forward and placed his lips on Seonghwa’s once again. Messing up any progress he had made with fixing Hongjoong’s hair, Seonghwa twisted his fingers into his roots, holding him securely against him.

After a few moments of lips and tongues going in a frenzy, Hongjoong broke apart to pant: “Is it okay if we lay down?”

“Uh, y-yeah, yeah,” he nodded.

And then Hongjoong’s lips were, once again, back on his, and then they were shifting. Hongjoong’s hands were gently pushing on Seonghwa’s shoulders, and Seonghwa took the lead, lying back on the bunk with Hongjoong situated on top of him. He moved his hands from Hongjoong’s hair, down to the middle of his back. Hongjoong’s mouth migrated from Seonghwa’s lips over to leave a fluttering of kisses on his cheek.

With Seonghwa not having to focus on making sure he was kissing Hongjoong good enough, he had time to think about other things. Like how incredibly fucking hard he was, and that he really hoped that Hongjoong’s couldn’t feel it through their layers of skinny jeans. It was almost embarrassing how much his body responded to just some kissing. He supposed it was sort of a good thing, reaffirming that he was in fact attracted to Hongjoong. But what if Hongjoong thought that Seonghwa was some sex crazed maniac? He _had_ mindlessly blurted out Wooyoung’s comment about blowjobs. 

His thoughts were interrupted when the hairs on his arms stood up and chills ran down his spine. Hongjoong had kissed his way down Seonghwa’s cheek, jaw, and now neck. Embarrassingly enough, Seonghwa gasped at the feeling of the warmth from Hongjoong’s mouth.

“Am I going too fast?” Hongjoong pulled back to look at Seonghwa. “Tell me if I’m going too fast.”

He shook his head. “No, you’re fine, I promise.”

Hongjoong gave him a small smile and bent down to kiss him softly on the lips, before making his way back down to Seonghwa’s neck.

Desperate for more, Seonghwa tilted his head to the side, allowing him more room. When he felt Hongjoong’s teeth graze his skin, his hips thrusted upwards on their own accord, pushing his groin again Hongjoong’s thigh. He was about to open his mouth and stutter out an apology, knowing there was no way that Hongjoong didn’t feel _that_. But something amazing happened. Hongjoong splayed his hand across the side of Seonghwa’s face and ground his pelvis down on him. And Seonghwa could _feel_ him. He could feel him on his hip bone, and he didn’t know what to do but he knew that he loved it. It meant Hongjoong liked him too.

Hongjoong’s mouth made it down to his collarbone, his other hand pulling Seonghwa’s shirt collar out of the way. Seonghwa trusted him not to leave marks, but a small part of him wanted him to. Hongjoong must have been thinking the same thing because he paused to murmur: “Sorry, I know this is kind of weird, but…I really wish I could give you hickeys.”

Suddenly, Seonghwa felt very, very hot. Like his skin was on fire. Like he needed all of his clothes off. “Do you…do you mind I take off my shirt?” he gasped.

Hongjoong met his eyes. “No, I don’t mind.”

They both sat up in the bunk, Seonghwa immediately going for the hem of his shirt, pulling it up and off of him and then tossing it. He wanted it off. And yet, once it was off, and the cool air of the room hit his bare skin, and the realization that he was naked from the top up in front of Hongjoong sank in…he grew shy and looked off to the side. Hongjoong had seen him shirtless countless times. But this time was obviously different. They were in bed together. They were kissing and touching and grinding.

And it didn’t help that he could feel Hongjoong staring at him. What was he thinking? Was he going to say anything? Was he going to take off his shirt too? Seonghwa wished he would.

“Seonghwa-yah.”

He looked over at Hongjoong to see him reaching out towards his chest. He glanced down at himself to see his skin littered with stars and Hongjoong’s hand come lay to rest, covering up some of the projection. Emotions overwhelmed him – flooding and filling him with so many feelings, so much love for this one man. He shuddered out: “Joong-ah.”

Their lips crashed together, Seonghwa climbed on top of Hongjoong, Hongjoong ran his hands across Seonghwa’s torso, Seonghwa thrusted his hips down on Hongjoong’s.

But he still wanted more, he still wanted more. What did he want? He wanted everything.

He skimmed across the hem of Hongjoong’s shirt with the tips of his fingers. “Do you want to take yours off?” he whispered against his lips.

Hongjoong sucked in a breath. “I don’t have abs like you do.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want. But, you know, I don’t care…It’s _you_.”

Seonghwa could hear him crack smile, could feel it as Hongjoong pressed a quick peck on his lips. And something else he could also feel? Hongjoong moving his hand from Seonghwa’s abs down to his jean’s waistband.

“Wooyoung said that I owed you. And you…I can feel…Do you - ” Hongjoong’s voice cut off as he cleared his throat. “Do you want me to - ?”

Seonghwa’s eyes grew wide and he scrambled to sit up. “No no no, I was mostly joking earlier. I don’t - you don’t have to…not that I don’t want you to! I do! But, I’m not going to force you. And I’m gonna guilt you into doing it either.”

He propped himself up on his elbows. “But he’s right though. I probably do owe you for everything you do.”

“Are you serious? Look!” Seonghwa gestured over to the star projector. “You got me a whole ass planetarium! I owe you fifty blowjobs!”

Hongjoong gave him a funny look, and then burst out into laughter, flopping onto his back.

“What?” Seonghwa chuckled.

He shook his head, still laughing a bit. “It’s weird hearing you say blowjob.”

“Well, I’m just saying…I think we both owe each other blowjobs.”

“Oh my god,” Hongjoong sighed, trying to catch his breath. “I think we can stop saying the word blowjob now.”

Seonghwa grinned and lay down next to him. “You just said it.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t take you seriously when you’re shirtless.”

His face flushed and he moved to go grab his shirt off the floor, but Hongjoong’s hand shot out and grabbed his wrist, holding him in place.

“I was only joking, ‘Hwa. Plus…I never said you could put it back on.”

And Seonghwa had thought that his dick had finally started to soften. Nope. A chill went down his spine and he was back to being almost uncomfortably hard. “Are you going to boss me around in here too?” he asked lowly, but with no malice in his voice.

Hongjoong eyed him carefully. “Only if you want me to.”

Oh, this was getting dangerous. How far was Seonghwa willing to take things that night? What were his boundaries? With Hongjoong, it felt like he didn’t have any.

Very dangerous indeed.

“Um, I-I think I’m gonna take a shower,” Seonghwa managed to get out, even through his frazzled brain. He needed to take care of his dick. And have a private overthinking session about Hongjoong and being shirtless and blowjobs and _sex_. Yeah…he really needed that shower.

Hongjoong’s eyebrows raised as he watched Seonghwa climb out of the bed and scoop up his shirt. “Oh? Oh, okay.” Hongjoong looked disappointed. Was he sad? Had Seonghwa hurt his feelings?

“I just, ah, um, we have to be up early in the morning,” he stammered, holding his shirt in front of his groin.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll take a shower after you.”

God, Hongjoong in a shower. Naked. Seonghwa ran towards the bathroom. “I’ll try to be quick!” he called over his shoulder.

“No you won’t,” Hongjoong snickered.

He wasn’t. He masterbated (which took about thirty seconds after his time spent in the bed with Hongjoong), he carefully shaved and washed and groomed, and then he spent the remainder of his hour-long shower ruminating on how different a blowjob might be with two men versus a man and a woman.

Obviously, Seonghwa had never given a blowjob before. But, he had received one before. And it was…okay. He remembered that she didn’t really know what to do, and that he had mostly felt her teeth the whole time. But Hongjoong had a dick. Would that mean that he would be better? Much, much, much better? So much better…

So he ended up masterbating twice in the shower. No big deal.

He switched out with Hongjoong, and lay in bed waiting for him to finish, trying to carefully avoid thinking about certain topics so he wouldn’t have to take a second shower. Like how Hongjoong was probably masterbating in there too. Which was probably nothing new. Hongjoong had probably masterbated tons of times in the shower with Seonghwa on the other side of the door. Seonghwa knew he had done the same. Which was weird to think about now…and something he needed to stop thinking about.

Switch topic, switch topic.

How about this? Seonghwa would eventually have to give Hongjoong a blowjob. Not because Hongjoong would force him to, of course. But because Seonghwa should. Because Seonghwa wanted to. Except. What if he was terrible? He had no experience. Well, neither did Hongjoong, but the man was naturally good at everything.

Should Seonghwa practice? What the fuck, no, what would that even look like? Yuck.

Should he ask San and Wooyoung for advice? Somehow that was even grosser to think about.

He needed to start watching porn again. He never really had time, or the privacy. But he’d only ever watched straight porn in the past. You know. Cause he thought he was straight. It would probably be a good idea to get informed with how gay sex worked.

Like how the _sex_ sex part worked. It sounded like it’d hurt. And not to mention, it sounded super gross. And which one of them would do what? What would Seonghwa want to do? Did Hongjoong already know what he would want to do? What if they both wanted to do the same thing? What if they weren’t compatible? What happened in a gay relationship if both of them wanted to be the top? Were they even gay?

Like always, Seonghwa thought that he just confused himself even more. So he was relieved when Hongjoong emerged from the bathroom. He was really enjoying the little routine they had going. Hongjoong coming home from the studio, them having their little talks/make out time, and then them falling asleep together.

For the first time since Seonghwa moved into the dorms, he finally felt completely comfortable. And it had nothing to do with the rug, or the shelves, or the bottom bunk, or even the stars.

It had everything to do with Kim Hongjoong.

Hongjoong took his spot in the bunk next to Seonghwa and said: “So, everybody knows about us, huh?”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “It would seem that way. Everybody except Mingi, of course.”

“Right, of course.”

“What do you think we should do?”

Hongjoong fidgeted a bit beside him, running his fingers up Seonghwa’s arm. “I think in a perfect world…it’d be best if things were out in the open. But…do you care if they know?”

If it were up to him, he’d tell everyone in the world about Hongjoong. “No, why would I?”

He gave Seonghwa a long look. “Because they would know you were gay. That’s a huge thing.”

“San and Wooyoung already knew, and now most of everyone else does too.”

“Yes, but you’d be saying it yourself out loud, which is – ”

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay,” he interrupted Hongjoong. “I’m not ashamed. Unless you think I should be.”

“No, obviously I don’t think that.”

Seonghwa narrowed his eyes. “You’re worried about something though, and you’re projecting it onto me. What are you worried about?”

Hongjoong looked flustered. “What, no. I’m not worried about anything.”

“Are you worried about them not keeping it a secret?”

“No, of course not. I trust them. They’re our brothers.”

“Maybe don’t say that they’re our brothers,” Seonghwa scrunched up his nose. “We’d be an incestuous bunch.”

He gave a dry laugh. “Okay, okay, fair.”

“So if it’s not that, what are you worried about then?”

Hongjoong sighed. “It’s nothing.”

“What is it?” he repeated. 

“If I tell you…please don’t get upset.”

“What?” his heart began to race. “Why would I get upset?”

He raised his eyebrows. “‘Hwa.”

“No, tell me! Why are you worried?” Seonghwa snapped.

“Not every relationship lasts forever.”

It was like a heavy weight had been thrown on his chest. He sat up in the bed. “What are you…what are you saying? You don’t think this’ll work?” He frowned and shook his head.

Hongjoong sat up too. “I’m not saying I don’t think this will work between us. I’m just…I like being realistic. You know that.”

“So _realistically_ you don’t think we’ll last? What the fuck.”

“I never said that. You’re overreacting.”

That had Seonghwa up out of the bunk in anger. “Oh, I’m overreacting?!”

Hongjoong hurried to hush him. “Shhh, don’t be so loud.”

“Oh, I’m so _sorry_. I wouldn’t want anyone to hear our lover’s spat, even though everyone already knows about us anyways!”

“Seonghwa-yah - ”

“No.” Seonghwa clenched his jaw. “Don’t _Seonghwa-yah_ me. I know what you’re worried about. You’re worried about what will happen if we decide not to be, whatever it is we are, anymore. You’re worried about what we’ll tell the others. They’re not children, Joong-ah! They’ll understand if we fucking break up. Shit. San and Wooyoung don’t let that hold them back.”

Hongjoong slid to the edge of the bunk and put his feet on the ground. “San and Wooyoung aren’t in charge of this group. We are.”

He huffed and looked around the room. The projector had still been going, so the stars were still touching everything it could reach. “You don’t understand. For me? You’re it,” his voice grew soft. “There isn’t any doubt for me.”

“Well, I shouldn’t be it.” He braced his elbows on his knees and hung his head. “There are tons of people out there. I was just forced on you.”

“Is that what you think?” Seonghwa breathed.

Hongjoong didn’t reply.

“Look at me!” He held out his arms. “Is that what you think?”

He looked up at Seonghwa. His gaze burned. “I’m always looking at you.”

Seonghwa dropped his arms, speechless.

Hongjoong slowly got up from the bunk and Seonghwa watched, stunned, as Hongjoong pulled his shirt off. “Now look at me,” Hongjoong said with a shaky voice. “What do _you_ think?”

He’d seen Hongjoong shirtless before. Nothing new. He looked the same as always. Except he didn’t. He looked strong, lean, hot as fuck, beautifully covered in stars…he looked like Hongjoong. “I’ll never change my mind,” Seonghwa truthfully answered.

He nodded for a moment, thinking. Then, looked down at the ground with a shy smile. “So, when do you want to tell the others?”

Seonghwa’s face broke into a relieved grin. “Maybe after this comeback? When things die down?”

He gave a small nod. “That sounds like a good plan.” He moved to put back on his shirt, but Seonghwa let out a small whine.

“No, don’t.”

Hongjoong held his gaze as he dropped his shirt onto the ground. They both wordlessly climbed back into the bunk and positioned themselves so Seonghwa was basically on top of Hongjoong, allowing him to thoroughly feel up Hongjoong’s bare chest with his hand. It was everything Seonghwa had hoped it would be. Warm and firm and strong and comforting. Every time he got close to his waistband, Hongjoong would inhale sharply, and Seonghwa enjoyed teasing him.

“We fight a lot,” Hongjoong mused.

He chuckled. “You know you like it.”

“I don’t like upsetting you, though.”

“Yeah…I’m a delicate flower. Easily upsettable. Maybe you can help me work on that.”

“But then you wouldn’t be Seonghwa.”

Seonghwa smiled into Hongjoong’s chest. “So, what are we?”

“Hmm, what do you want to be?”

“I don’t know…nothing really fits. We aren’t really dating, in the conventional sense of the term.”

“Does it need a label? You’re just…you’re my Seonghwa.”

“My Hongjoong. Hongjoong-ah,” he hummed.

Hongjoong pressed a kiss on Seonghwa’s crown. “Yes, exactly.”

*

One early morning, Hongjoong’s phone rang. And rang. And rang.

Seonghwa groaned. “Do you not hear that?”

“No, I do, I’m ignoring it.” His voice was muffled from where his head was buried in his pillow.

He poked Hongjoong hard in his bare side. “Well, can you get it? It’s pissing me off.”

Hongjoong cursed under his breath and climbed his way over Seonghwa and out of the bunk. Seonghwa heard Hongjoong rummage around for his phone and (thankfully) answer it, silencing the ringer: “Good morning, Manager-nim.”

With the sound of the fan going in the room, he couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation, only Hongjoong.

“What happened?” Hongjoong asked. There was a long pause, and then: “Wait, what?” He sounded confused and panicked.

At that, Seonghwa sat up in bed. “What’s going on?” Seonghwa whispered.

Hongjoong ignored him. “Hang on, hang on,” he said into the phone as he walked over to their door and left the room. With no shirt on.

Seonghwa frowned. What could be going on that Hongjoong desperately didn’t want him to hear? He didn’t keep his ringer on like Hongjoong did (the luxury of not being a leader), so maybe he had a bunch of missed calls that might give him some sort of hint. After grabbing his phone off the charger, it revealed that no, he didn’t have any missed calls. Just a slew of text messages from San, who was wanting attention because Wooyoung was giving him the silent treatment? (He didn’t even want to know what that was all about.)

Well, it must’ve not been important if no one from the company had texted or called him. So, he flopped back on the bed and opened Twitter.

ATEEZ was trending. Probably because of all of the teaser pics they had just dropped. He couldn’t resist the attention, so he clicked on the tag and began to scroll.

Even though his English skills were weak, he picked up enough to know that something was very wrong.

He snatched one of Hongjoong’s shirts off the floor and dashed after him.

Seonghwa found him alone in the kitchen. No longer on the phone. Hands braced on the edge of the counter. His bare back facing Seonghwa. Something was very, very wrong. 

“Hongjoong-ah. What’s going on?”

“I’ll tell you later, go back to bed.” His voice was hollow, but firm.

“Well, we need to be up anyway for practice…and I brought you a shirt.”

Hongjoong turned around and Seonghwa held up the shirt with a small smile. He did his best to analyze Hongjoong’s face but, his face was neutral, almost. Like he had just gotten done listening to a school lecture. Maybe there really wasn’t anything wrong after all?

“Thanks, I’m probably gonna need that,” he returned Seonghwa’s smile and took the shirt from him, putting it on.

“It’s nothing serious, right?”

Hongjoong shook his head no.

Seonghwa continued anyways: “‘Cause on Twitter - ”

“You looked on Twitter?” Hongjoong’s face was no longer neutral. It was now tense with worry, and panic, and uncertainty. It scared Seonghwa.

“Well not…not _intentionally_ ,” he sputtered. “I was just checking my phone…But I can’t read English as good as you, so I still don’t really know anything.”

Hongjoong nervously played with the collar of his shirt.

“ _Should_ I know something?” Seonghwa raised his eyebrows.

Again, he gave no reply to Seonghwa.

“Joong-ah, you promised - ”

Hongjoong huffed: “Okay, fine, fine.” He took a deep breath. “Do you remember those braids I wore in the ‘THANXX’ stuff?”

“Yeah…? They were cool.”

He winced and shook his head. “No, they weren’t.”

“What are you talking about? You said they were cool. I was there.”

“I know what I said at the time…but, it’s…it’s not cool. That’s the problem. We’ve offended people.”

Seonghwa snorted. “With braids?”

“They aren’t _just_ braids. It’s African culture.” 

“I’ve seen tons of people wearing those before. I don’t understand.”

“Well, we need to understand,” Hongjoong replied firmly. “Because we can’t go around offending people out of ignorance.”

“But you didn’t mean to offend anyone.”

“Yeah, that’s not an excuse.”

Seonghwa bit his lip and shook his head. “You didn’t even pick the braids.”

“Still not an excuse. I could have told them no.”

“Told them no? Oh please,” he rolled his eyes. “Like we have any say in the shit they put us in. They dress us how they want. We just go along with it. It’s not up to me or you.”

Hongjoong’s slapped the counter loudly, making Seonghwa jump. “And that’s precisely the problem! I can’t… _fuck_!” he cursed angrily. “I can’t be a hypocrite! I can’t go out there, doing Michael Jackson covers, talking about inclusion and diversity, and then not be aware of something as elementary as cultural appropriation. I have to have knowledge; I have to have a _say_ in what _I_ participate in.”

Seonghwa couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Hongjoong this angry. The veins of his neck protruded; his eyebrows seemingly permanently furrowed. Sometimes when he got frustrated, he was cute and adorable and precious. But this…this was something completely different. Seonghwa eyed Hongjoong carefully as Hongjoong started to pace. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself,” he said gently. 

Hongjoong opened his mouth to reply but a small, sleepy “Hyungs?” interrupted him.

They turned around to see Yunho, still in his pajamas, rubbing his eyes. “What is going on?” Yunho asked before yawning. “You are being loud.”

“Sorry,” Seonghwa quickly apologized.

But Hongjoong laughed at himself, almost cruelly. “See? I’m such a shitty leader.”

“What?” Seonghwa and Yunho said simultaneously.

Hongjoong looked at them with a defeated expression. “I’m the biggest fucking hypocrite in the world. And what kind of leader does that make me? I say I embrace diversity and yet I wear braids. I say I’m an ally…” he paused and cut his eyes over to Seonghwa. “And yet I haven’t even told them about you.”

Seonghwa’s breath caught in his chest and he desperately looked over to Yunho.

“Hongjoong-hyung…you do not have to,” Yunho shook his head with wide eyes. “It is okay.”

Hongjoong breathed shakily and held his chin up. “A leader leads by example. And keeps their word. Yunho-yah, can you go wake everyone up? Tell them it’s important please.”

Yunho took a few steps toward Hongjoong and said lowly: “Hyung, whatever you are upset about - ”

Hongjoong didn’t let him finish. “Go and get everyone up, please.”

Yunho lingered for a moment before giving a curt nod and walking off towards the bedrooms.

Seonghwa turned towards Hongjoong once they were alone, with a look of shock and confusion. “Hongjoong-ah, what the hell are you doing?” he muttered.

Noise started to grow in the direction of the bedrooms as Yunho started waking up the other boys. “I’m trying to be a good leader,” Hongjoong said. “Just let me.”

“No! Telling them something big like this, at the ass crack of dawn, is not a good idea, at least in my opinion.” 

“Well it’s a good thing they already know. It won’t be much of a shock,” he replied coolly.

“And what about Mingi? Hm? Don’t you think it will be a shock to him to be dragged out of bed and told that for months his hyungs have been hiding something from him? And he’s the last person to know?”

Hongjoong gulped. “I’d rather that than him find out another way.”

“Fine,” he shook his head in defeat. “Then this is your mess. I hope it doesn’t blow up in your face.”

A sleepy San and a _very_ disheveled Wooyoung appeared behind them.

“Hyungs, this had better be good,” Wooyoung growled.

Seonghwa gave one last pleading look to Hongjoong, but Hongjoong’s mind seemed to be set. “Come on, let’s all go sit on the couch.”

Hongjoong ushered everyone onto the big couch as they filed out of their bedrooms one by one. Mingi was the last one to emerge, looking confused and wrapped up in his comforter as Yunho led him to sit next to Seonghwa at the end of the couch.

Seonghwa tried to stifle a frown as he patted Mingi’s shoulders. Mingi only slowly blinked in response.

Hongjoong stood in front of them, nervously rocking on the sides of his feet as everyone settled in. “Good! Everyone’s awake now.”

“Some of us more than others,” Yeosang quipped while eyeing Mingi, whose head was lolling from side to side in effort to wake himself up.

“Hyung, I wish I could curse at you,” Jongho glared at Hongjoong.

“We had to be awake soon anyways,” Hongjoong said. “So I don’t want to hear the complaining. Plus, this is important.”

“Too important to wait an hour or two?” Wooyoung pursed his lips.

Hongjoong held up his chin. “Yes, actually. There are two things I think everyone should know. Urgently.” He paused, and the room grew silent. His eyes searched for Seonghwa’s, and when they met, Hongjoong held his gaze. He seemed to grow an inch or two before he continued: “I’ve made a mistake. And it could cost us our reputation. And we’ll need to learn from it in the future and change; we’ll have to work on it as a team so this sort of thing doesn’t happen again.”

“What happened?” San asked, his voice small.

Everyone in the room stared at Hongjoong.

“I’m sure we’ll talk about it more once we get to the company today,” Hongjoong said, choosing his words carefully. “But, basically, the braids I wore in ‘THANXX’ offended some Atinys. And that’s not okay. I should’ve known better, and we _will_ know better next time. I’m going to try to learn these sorts of things, can all of you promise to learn with me?”

Everyone nodded in response.

Hongjoong gave a small smile. “Good. Now the next order of business…”

Seonghwa immediately tensed and held his breath.

“A lot of you already know this, or so I’ve heard…but I know some of you may not.” Hongjoong paused and his eyes flitted over to Mingi. In fact, Seonghwa saw several heads turn towards the direction of Mingi. Even Seonghwa’s eyes darted over to look at him.

Mingi blinked a couple of times, almost as if he was coming to a realization, as he looked at Hongjoong and then to Seonghwa and the others. “Why is everyone looking at me?”

Hongjoong raised his eyebrows and shook his head, as if he hadn’t been staring at him. The other boys all quickly looked away.

“Is this about whether I know about you and Seonghwa-hyung?” Mingi asked.

Hongjoong’s face grew pale.

Seonghwa exclaimed: “You know?!”

Jongho jumped up from the couch. “I promise I did not tell him!”

And the room descended into chaos from there:

“San-ah did you tell him?” Wooyoung slapped San’s knee.

“No! Why would you think that?” San asked.

“Because you spilled the beans about everything else!” Wooyoung whined.

San looked offended. “I did not! I didn’t tell him about us!”

Wooyoung gasped. “What the actual fuck, Sannie!”

Seonghwa’s jaw dropped. 

Hongjoong ran his hands desperately through his hair. “What have I done?” he muttered to himself.

“Oh thank god I do not have to keep that a secret anymore too,” Jongho blew a sigh of relief and slumped back onto the couch.

“Is anything else hiding something? Anybody else have secret romances? The floor is open!” Yeosang joked, looking around the room.

Yunho leaned behind Seonghwa to clap Mingi on the back. “You okay, Mingi-yah?”

“Yeah?” Mingi said in confusion. “Why wouldn’t I be? I don’t understand why everyone is acting like I didn’t already know all of these things.”

“How _did_ you know about all of these things?” Seonghwa asked him.

Mingi shrugged. “I thought it was obvious? I do not think any of you are as discreet as you think you are.”

Wooyoung snipped: “It’s not my fault Sannie can’t keep his hands off of me. Ow! That hurt! See?”

San gave the room a sheepish, guilty look as Wooyoung rubbed his arm.

Hongjoong looked taken aback. “So, uh…I guess everyone knows everything now, huh?”

“Not unless Jongho is ready to disclose our relationship as well,” Yeosang drawled dramatically while giving Jongho a smoldering look.

Jongho cringed. “No, I am good, Hyung, thank you.”

“This isn’t weird for anyone, is it?” Seonghwa asked gently.

“Just a little bit,” Mingi replied with a grin. “But only because I think you can do better than Hongjoong-hyung.”

Seonghwa choked while trying to suppress a laugh, whilst Hongjoong ran his tongue over his teeth and crossed his arms.

*

“I’m mad at you, by the way,” Seonghwa said to Hongjoong once they were back in their room, working on getting dressed for the full day ahead of them.

Hongjoong looked up from his phone. “You are?”

“Yes, because you didn’t listen to me in the kitchen.”

“But everything turned out fine.”

“So? You got lucky.”

“I thought we decided a long time ago that I had the final say about group matters because I’m the leader.”

“And that wasn’t a group matter! That was a relationship matter!” Seonghwa exclaimed.

He nodded. “Yes, involving _the group_ knowing or not knowing about our relationship.”

“Which impacts our _relationship_.”

“‘Hwa,” Hongjoong sighed, glancing between Seonghwa and his phone. “Can we argue about this later? It’s not a good day.”

Seonghwa tried to keep his stormy feelings at bay. “Yes, I know. And I’m sorry about that. But…I just want you to know that when it comes to our relationship, I expect you to listen to me. You aren’t the leader in this room, okay? I have a say too.”

“Hm, I distinctly remembering _you_ saying you were the leader in here,” he pointed out.

“I was _joking_.”

“And we weren’t in this room earlier. We were in the kitchen.”

“Kim Hongjoong!” he stomped his foot. “You _know_ what I mean.”

“Well shit!” Hongjoong’s voice raised. “What the fuck do you want from me? I can’t be the perfect leader and the perfect boyfriend, okay? I have enough on my plate as it is.”

“I’m not asking you to be perfect.”

“You’re just upset that you didn’t get your way,” he snapped.

Seonghwa was fuming now as he stood in front of Hongjoong, towering over him. “I don’t give a fuck about _getting my way_. It’s about being heard. You didn’t even acknowledge me in there. You decided what you were going to do and that was it. What about me? Hm? Just because you’re feeling small doesn’t mean I have to feel small too.”

Hongjoong went silent, his eyes roaming around Seonghwa’s face, his chin tilted upwards to compensate for the height difference.

“Why do we have to fight so much?” Seonghwa continued in a small, wavering voice.

His mouth twitched and he took a staggering step back. “Growth sometimes brings pain.”

Seonghwa frowned and looked down at the floor.

“Look, I’m sorry. You’re right,” Hongjoong relented. “I need to treat you differently now that we’re together like this. It’s not…it’s not fair for me to make decisions like that without thinking of your opinion first.”

“Thank you,” he murmured, his head still down. “And I’m sorry for bringing this up now. It could’ve waited till later. I know the ‘THANXX’ stuff is more important.”

“What? No.” Hongjoong came closer and leaned down, so he could make eye contact with Seonghwa as he hung his head. “Sure, it’s important. Very important. But nothing, and I mean _nothing_ , is more important to me than you. Yeah?” He grabbed ahold of Seonghwa’s hands and threaded their fingers together. “And I’m sorry we argue so much. It sucks but, you know, I think it really makes us better and stronger. It’s good to talk about things and get them out there. That’s why I really wanted to get everything out in the open with the boys today. And also, like with the braids issue. We made a mistake, I made a mistake, and now we learn from it and fix it.”

Seonghwa gave him a small smile. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a fantastic leader?” he asked.

He shyly blushed. “Thank you. I really needed that today.”

“I know,” he swung their linked hands a bit as they stood there. “But it’s true.”

“I’m still working on the boyfriend part, obviously.”

“That’s the second time you’ve called me your boyfriend! I thought you decided no labels!” Seonghwa teased him.

Hongjoong tilted his head back and laughed. “Okay, well, it’s weird to say: ‘I’m still working on being your _Hongjoong-ah_.’”

“No, I didn’t think that was weird! It sounded cute.”

“Ah, stop it,” he said bashfully.

Seonghwa smiled. “And I think you’re cute.”

“Ahhh, stop it!” he cringed and yanked his hands away from Seonghwa. “Now that our relationship is out in the open you better be on your best behavior.”

“It’d be easier if you weren’t so fucking cute all the time.”

Hongjoong gurgled a little scream and covered his ears. “Get dressed! We have a comeback to prepare for!”

Seonghwa obeyed and got dressed. _Only_ after he wrestled Hongjoong a bit so he could get one good cheek pinch in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to touch on the subjects in this carefully and delicately. I think it is important to talk about the subjects of dieting and cultural appropriation. I would like to think of myself as educated on these issues, but alas, at the end of the day I am cisgender white woman who has never dieted based on body dysmorphia in her life. I tried to approach each topic in this as fair as possible. 
> 
> If I offended anyone with anything in this chapter I am truly sorry and I am open to discussion in the comments!


	5. Part Three, Section Two: August - December 2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is surprised by this upload for Valentine's Day! I finished this fic earlier than I had expected...
> 
> **!!!!TRIGGER WARNINGS for this chapter: homophobia, child abuse!!!!**
> 
> Please read with caution and enjoy!
> 
> This HAS NOT been beta-read by anyone other than me myself and I. Please comment any errors you see and I will fix them!

** **

* * *

** Part Three, Section Two **

** August – December 2020 **

_Listen to: “Blink of an Eye” by Philip Glass and “INCEPTION” by ATEEZ_

* * *

Doing comeback promotions while dating Hongjoong was a completely different experience. Sitting backstage at music shows for hours and hours had quickly gotten boring since ATEEZ’s debut, but now that things were different, it was just more hours during the day that Seonghwa got to spend leisurely with Hongjoong – even if they had to pretend like nothing was different at all. Of course, that became a bit awkward when their managers had them do an ASMR for Mnet, but, it was perfect practice for what would have to be their relationship going forward: a secret to everyone but themselves and the group.

Other than that, they tried to balance the time they lingered around each other in public. They would have their few moments here and there backstage on music shows or in other various waiting rooms, but then Hongjoong was back to working on his Macbook and Seonghwa was back to being bullied by San and Wooyoung.

The boys were good about only teasing Hongjoong and Seonghwa about their relationship in private…but Seonghwa really wanted to know why “Woosan” didn’t get that same treatment. No one really teased them (other than Yeosang and Jongho), but Seonghwa supposed he’d rather them tease him about his undying love for Hongjoong than about how much of an uncool Angry Bird he was.

But Seonghwa eventually became very grateful for those music shows he used to find so boring. He was immune from the boy’s teasing there since they were in public (about him and Hongjoong’s relationship, they still teased him about everything else), and he got to spend time with Hongjoong _before_ they were all sweaty and tired, because every night once they got home it was a shower and bed for them. Not much kissing or cuddling or talking going on. Very domestic. It would be almost boring if it was anyone other than Hongjoong.

They got very few off days whenever they were doing promotions. The ones they did get, Seonghwa really didn’t like to leave his bed. Unless it was to clean or keep his abs in tiptop shape (something he was very excited about leaving behind once they switched to promoting “THANXX”).

Which is why Seonghwa groaned and cursed when Hongjoong attempted to get him out of bed.

“Come play with meeee,” Hongjoong whined, tugging on Seonghwa’s arm.

He tried to not let Hongjoong distract him from the drama he was watching on his phone. “Get Yunho to play with you, I’m not even good at soccer.”

“He doesn’t want to.”

Seonghwa laughed. “Exactly! And neither do I!”

He pouted. “But I need to practice. I’m gonna be playing with professionals. For the whole world to see.”

“Yeah! Every more reason to ask someone else! Maybe San? Or Jongho?”

“Park Seonghwa!” Hongjoong snatched Seonghwa’s phone out of his grasp.

He sat up in the bed. “Hey! What the hell!”

“I am trying to ask you on a date, why are you making this so difficult for me?!” 

“A date?” Seonghwa repeated.

Hongjoong gave a frustrated chuckle. “Yes, a date, you brat! I figured since we’ve been so busy and tired these past couple of weeks, it’d be nice to do something just the two of us.”

Well, Seonghwa had to re-evaluate his plan to stay in bed all day. “Will you buy us food?”

“Sure,” he rolled his eyes. “Will that manage to get you out of bed?”

It did.

Hongjoong hadn’t put on any makeup or dressed any sort of nicely, wearing a white t-shirt, black sweats, and a beanie. But Seonghwa wasn’t going to go a date looking like _that_. So he actually took the time to cover up his blemishes and wear nice gray denim pants paired with a light-weight sweater.

Hongjoong raised his eyebrows when Seonghwa walked into the living room, where Hongjoong was waiting with his soccer bag. “‘Hwa, what are you wearing? It’s August. You’re gonna sweat to death.”

“This is how someone is _supposed_ to dress for a date,” he gestured to his own body. “And I have zero intention of sweating. I’ll watch you practice.”

Hongjoong slung his bag over his shoulder and walked over to Seonghwa. “Well, you do look very good.”

He smiled shyly. “Thank you.”

Hongjoong reached up and folded Seonghwa’s bucket hat brim back so he could give him a quick peck on the lips.

Somehow Seonghwa had forgotten how hot Hongjoong looked when he played soccer until they got to the park’s practice court and saw Hongjoong start juggling the ball. The short sleeve shirt wasn’t helping either.

Seonghwa jiggled his knees and squinted in the sun as he sat on a nearby bench and watched Hongjoong do some kicks. He liked seeing the power in Hongjoong’s body as his leg swung back and then forward. And when he said “liked” he meant _liked_. Really, really liked.

Was Hongjoong sure this idol thing was for him? Because Seonghwa would _love_ to see him as a professional soccer player.

Hongjoong jogged over to Seonghwa and Seonghwa gulped. Even him _jogging_ was turning him on.

“Hey, can you video me?” Hongjoong panted while fiddling with his glove straps. “I wanna see how I look.”

Seonghwa grabbed his phone from beside him. “Yeah, sure. But you look fine. Like you never even stopped playing.”

“You think so?”

 _Um, yeah._ Seonghwa only managed to nod. 

He scrunched up his nose. “You’re biased though.”

 _He was._ “I am,” he admitted. He noticed that Hongjoong hadn’t drank any of his water, so he dug his water bottle out of his bag for him and offered it to him.

“Oh, right, thanks.” Hongjoong took a swig of the water. “Well, I’m trying my best to impress you out here, so I hope I look okay.”

Seonghwa’s heart fluttered to the moon. “Impress me? You don’t need to impress me.”

He smirked. “Yeah, that’s what you say. But look at you! I have to stay competitive so someone doesn’t come steal you away.” He tossed the water bottle back into his bag and walked off casually, like he wasn’t leaving Seonghwa in his wake on the verge of a heart attack.

Why would Hongjoong need to impress Seonghwa? It was _Hongjoong_. Like any other person could ever compare. But it was still flattering to know that Hongjoong thought things like that. That he wanted Seonghwa to like him. Because, Seonghwa didn’t spend all that time putting on foundation and trying on a dozen sweaters for nothing. He definitely was intent on impressing Hongjoong too.

Was that what a normal relationship was like? Trying to be your best for the other person? Seonghwa sure as hell didn’t know. He definitely hadn’t been trying to impress any of his school girlfriends.

“Seonghwa-yah! Are you videoing me?!” Hongjoong called out to him.

No, he hadn’t been. He’d been a bit distracted by the impending heart attack. “Oh, um, yes!” he called back while he fumbled to open up the camera app and start filming him.

It dawned on him as he filmed Hongjoong that Seonghwa would have that footage on his phone for forever. He could relive these moments over and over again. He could be reminded of how hot Hongjoong was any time, any place. Why hadn’t he been filming Hongjoong the whole time? Not just that particular day, but _every_ day? Shit, he should be shoving a camera in Hongjoong’s face every second. He needed preserve the memories. Nothing was as good in your head. As hard as he attempted to burn moments with Hongjoong in his brain, his brain always eventually faded and blurred the images after time. Really, the only thing his brain kept clear as day were the feelings of the memory. Like the last time they had played soccer. He couldn’t really remember what Hongjoong had been wearing. Maybe a dark long-sleeved shirt? But he remembered how it made him feel. So so so… _horny_.

“Did you get good stuff?!” Hongjoong called.

Seonghwa looked down at his phone. He’d been recording for almost ten minutes. His poor phone storage. “Yeah, I think so!” He stopped recording and checked to make sure the video had saved.

“Are you bored yet?!”

Fuck no he wasn’t. He could watch Hongjoong all day. “No!”

“Oh, sure!” he gave a wicked grin and walked back over to Seonghwa, holding the soccer ball in his hand. “Here, help me for a bit. I think they may put me in as goalie. I need some practice.” He held out the ball towards Seonghwa.

Seonghwa cut his eyes down to the ball and back up at Hongjoong, not taking the ball from him. “Have you seen what I’m wearing?”

Hongjoong sighed and propped the ball on his hip. “I told you not to wear that,” he sing-songed.

“Well, this is me impressing you,” Seonghwa sniffed.

“And believe me,” Hongjoong leaned in towards him and ran his eyes across his body, “I’m thoroughly impressed. Now come and help me. I promise you won’t get too sweaty. Not that I wouldn’t like to see that, though.”

Oh? That was flirting, right? Definitely flirting. Seonghwa stood up and swiped the ball from him. “Fine, what do you want me to do?”

Hongjoong looked smug. “Just kick it at me. Preferably at a fast-ish speed.”

“Hm…fast-ish speed.” He eyed the ball in his hands warily. Thankfully it wasn’t too dirty. He was wearing nice black boots; he wouldn’t want to ruin them.

Hongjoong walked backwards away from him. “It doesn’t have to be too fast though, okay? Don’t hurt yourself.”

Seonghwa plopped the ball on the ground in front of him. “See this is why you should’ve asked someone else to come!”

“Yeah, but you’re pretty to look at!” he called as he clapped his gloved hands together.

So much flirting. So much of Hongjoong’s bare skin. So much of everything. Seonghwa thought that he might explode. He flipped up his hat’s brim so he had a full range of vision. “Okay…here goes nothing,” he muttered to himself. He looked carefully up at Hongjoong, who was braced and ready for the ball. God he was so fucking hot. His spread legs, strong arms, determined eyes.

He had to peel his eyes away long enough from Hongjoong to kick the ball. It surprisingly went soaring through the air. Hongjoong skillfully jumped to the left in order to catch the ball in his waiting hands.

Seonghwa thought that he might want to get fucked by Hongjoong.

“You did it! Great kick!” Hongjoong cheered. “Can we do it again?” He gently kicked the ball back to Seonghwa.

He nodded, a bit dazed, and ran to get the ball and put it back in front of him. He kicked the ball again, this time it falling a bit too short from Hongjoong.

Did he really mean that? That he wanted Hongjoong to fuck him? That would be impossible right? Hongjoong was smaller than Seonghwa. That was how that worked, right? Shit, Seonghwa didn’t know. All he knew was that he really, really, really, really wanted Hongjoong all over him. He wanted it all.

“That’s alright!” Hongjoong said about the short ball as he kicked it back. “We’ll do this just a few more times and then I’ll buy us some food!”

 _Food?_ Seonghwa kicked the ball again, this time more accurately.

Despite his best efforts, Seonghwa still ended up breaking a sweat. He fanned himself with his bucket hat as Hongjoong bought them meat skewers from a street vendor. Though, he still didn’t regret the outfit.

They found a building wall vacant of people and leaned up against it, eating their skewers.

“You know, you’re better at soccer than you think,” Hongjoong said.

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” he chuckled sheepishly. “You make it look easy.”

“Remember when we played soccer with Yunho and San?”

Oh, Seonghwa remembered very well. “Yeah.”

Hongjoong smiled, his eyes seeming to twinkle. “That was a really good day.”

“I remember you were really weird that day.”

“I was weird?”

“Yeah…you didn’t text me yourself. Remember? And I thought you were mad at me. And you said it was because you were just too lazy to text me.”

“I didn’t say I was too _lazy_.”

“Oh, okay, whatever. It was some other B.S. excuse then,” Seonghwa quipped teasingly.

He twirled his empty wood skewer between his fingers. “You want to know a secret? I wanted to go with just you, but I was afraid to ask you…And really, I was also afraid to go alone with you. Hence that whole _weird_ , as you call it, situation.”

“Whatttt!” his eyes widened. “That’s dumb though. We’d gone other places alone before.”

“Yeah, and that was part of the problem! Keep in mind, this was back when I thought you were straight and very much off-limits. You drove me crazy.” Hongjoong met Seonghwa’s gaze and he smirked. “You still do.”

“You drive me crazy too!” Seonghwa whined. “You had me worrying for months over you calling me Seonghwa-sshi, and then Seonghwa-yah, and then Seonghwa-sshi again…and now you’ve decided to call me Seonghwa-yah after all.”

He tilted his head. “I’ve been calling you Seonghwa-yah?”

“Yes! You’re very indecisive.”

“Hm.”

Seonghwa followed Hongjoong’s gaze as he watched a group of young men walking on the other side of the street. Seonghwa was about to make a comment, purely out of jealousy, when he felt Hongjoong’s hand tugging up Seonghwa’s neckline that had fallen a bit.

“You need clothes that fit you,” Hongjoong muttered as he retracted his hand.

“But I had a nice breeze going!” he complained. His hands twitched up to tug the neckline back down, but Hongjoong’s stern glare stopped him. Seonghwa sighed. “You know the odds of gay men prowling the streets of Seoul are pretty much slim to none, right? You and me are probably it for miles, unless San and Wooyoung are out and about today too.”

Hongjoong frowned. “You underestimate your attractiveness. Who knows how many guys you’re turning gay.”

He got a good chuckle out of that. “You’re silly.”

“And you’re hot.”

Seonghwa almost choked on his last piece of meat. “I’m hot?! _You’re_ hot! How dare you make me sit there for an hour and watch you play soccer looking like that!”

“Okay, okay, shhh,” he snickered. “Not so loud.”

“Like, Joong-ah, I don’t even like sports but I’d watch every dumb soccer game if you were in it.” 

He scoffed. “Oh please, you would not.”

“You want me to show you the video? Of you looking hot? I have it allll on tape.”

Hongjoong let out a boisterous laugh at that. “Oh god, I’m afraid.”

“No, _I’m_ afraid! If I let that footage get out I’ll have to fight off hordes of people for you,” he mimed swinging a sword around with his wooden skewer.

“Seonghwa-yah, you’re just…” Hongjoong beamed at him, looking effortlessly happy.

He didn’t finish his sentence. Yet, Seonghwa knew what he was trying to say. “Yeah?”

Hongjoong nodded. “Which do you prefer? Seonghwa-yah or Seonghwa-sshi?”

“Oh, you’re letting me pick this time?”

“Yeah, I figured you’d want to ditch my _B.S._ reasoning for wanting to call you Seonghwa-sshi.”

“You mean it wasn’t because I’m be special? Wow, I’m hurt,” he said overdramatically.

“It wasn’t a total lie, just so you know,” Hongjoong explained. “You were - _are_ \- special. I was just…I called you that to keep that distance between us. Because you’re special. Obviously, keeping that distance didn’t work very much because I _really_ wish I could kiss you right now.”

Heat shot through Seonghwa’s veins. He breathed: “Then take me back home.”

Hongjoong took him back home and they caught up on all of the kissing and cuddling time Seonghwa very much so missed.

*

They went back to their busy schedule. “THANXX” promotions started. A lot of déjà vu ensued from their “INCEPTION” promotions. More nights where Seonghwa and Hongjoong were too tired to even cuddle.

Hongjoong filmed _Let’s Play Soccer_ , and then they ended up missing the broadcast due to their appearance on _Inkigayo_. After they got back to the dorm, Yunho got some clips from a manager and Seonghwa, Yunho, and Jongho crowded around Yunho’s phone on the couch while Hongjoong sulked off to the side on his Macbook.

“I do not know why you are pouting, Hyung, my parents said you did very well. They said they are proud of you,” Yunho said to Hongjoong.

“Well, tell them I said thank you. But can’t you guys go and watch in your room? I don’t want to watch myself,” Hongjoong grumbled.

“You aren’t even watching! You’re on your laptop!” Seonghwa quipped.

“It is not our fault you have decided to turn the living room into your little office,” Jongho said. “Why do you not go back to the studio?”

Hongjoong looked over at them and smirked. “Because Seonghwa wants me in bed on time, that’s why.”

Yunho and Jongho both cringed and feigned gagging noises while Seonghwa blushed.

“Ewww, please forget I said anything,” Jongho waved his hands. “Yunho-hyung, do you have any good recommendations for soundproof headphones? I need to protect myself from whatever they are doing in that room at night.”

“Ah, yes, young padawan,” Yunho bowed his head. “You’re also new to rooming with Woosan too. I’ll have to get you hooked up.”

Seonghwa rolled his eyes at the overdramatics of the two younger boys. He glanced over at Hongjoong and their eyes met, Hongjoong giving Seonghwa a small, knowing smile.

Because Hongjoong knew.

He knew how Seonghwa felt watching the clips of Hongjoong playing soccer. Of the clip of him diving to try and block a ball. Of him juggling the ball with his knees. Of him looking all sweaty and strong and powerful.

Which is why once Hongjoong finished up his work and met Seonghwa back in their room, Seonghwa had already taken off his shirt, lying in the bunk waiting for him.

Hongjoong quickly closed the door behind him and locked it. “‘Hwa, what are you doing?”

“Me? I’m not doing anything?” He stretched his arms above his bed, his back arching a bit off the bed.

Hongjoong slowly sauntered over to him. “Oh really?”

“Nope! I just want to make sure you get your quality time in with my abs. They’re slowly disappearing.”

“Hm, I thought they already had.”

Seonghwa let out an offended gasp and sat up. “Hey!”

Hongjoong stopped in front of the bunk and leaned against it with a smirk. “You shouldn’t lay in bed looking like that with the door unlocked. What if one of the boys walked in?”

“It’s not like I’m naked.”

He gave him a long look.

“They should know not to walk in our room without knocking,” Seonghwa said.

Hongjoong snorted. “You’d think.”

“Are you just going to stand there?”

His eyebrows shot up. “What do you want me doing instead?”

Seonghwa groaned. “Nooo, stop teasing.”

“I’m not teasing!” Hongjoong smiled wide. “I’m waiting on you to invite me.”

“Invite you? It’s your bed too!”

“Invite me.”

“Fine! Come to bed.”

Hongjoong looked smug as he got his way, pulling his shirt over his head.

“You’re a little shit, you know that?” Seonghwa said.

Hongjoong climbed on top of Seonghwa, lying them both back on the bed. “Oh, I’m sorry, did you want me to leave?” Hongjoong breathed.

Seonghwa basked in the warm feeling of Hongjoong’s bare chest against his, the feeling of Hongjoong’s breath brushing across his face, the smell of Hongjoong all around him. “Shup up, will you?” he teased before crushing their lips together.

Hongjoong gave a soft grunt and tilted his head to kiss Seonghwa deeper.

Seonghwa’s hands found their way to Hongjoong’s torso, aligning his fingers against his ribs. All the meanwhile, he worked on getting his tongue into Hongjoong’s mouth, liking the taste of Hongjoong’s tongue against his.

They kissed like that for a few moments, until Seonghwa’s curious fingers reached the waistband of Hongjoong’s jeans. Hongjoong ripped his lips away from Seonghwa and moved them down to Seonghwa’s neck, Seonghwa’s eyes fluttering shut.

They still hadn’t gone any further, _waist down wise_. And Seonghwa could _feel_ Hongjoong. Like how he could always feel Hongjoong whenever they kissed like this, or even sometimes in the morning when Seonghwa woke up with Hongjoong pressed up against him. Was it time they did venture to that place? He had vowed he would do some porn research, but he hadn’t had the time or privacy yet. But, he was impatient. Hongjoong had looked so good in those video clips and fuck, Seonghwa was so fucking hard.

“Joong-ah, Joong-ah,” Seonghwa panted. “Can I?” His fingers took a strong hold of Hongjoong’s belt buckle.

Hongjoong abandoned Seonghwa’s neck so he could look him in the eye. “What do you want?”

Maybe they should start slow. “Is okay if you take them off?...Your jeans, I mean.”

Hongjoong’s gaze was intense, sending a shiver down Seonghwa’s spine. “Are you sure?”

He nodded.

“I’m – I’m pretty hard, so…”

“That’s kind of the point,” Seonghwa smiled.

“R-right, okay.” Hongjoong visibly gulped and rolled off of Seonghwa.

Noticing Hongjoong’s stiffness and awkwardness, he said: “You don’t have to if you’re not comfortable.”

“No, it’s fine,” Hongjoong replied as he stood up from the bunk. He twisted his rings off of his fingers and plunked! them down onto his desk.

Seonghwa wondered how Hongjoong managed to make everything he did look so hot. Did Seonghwa have a ring kink? Though, he grew confused and concerned when he watched Hongjoong walk away. “What are you doing?”

“Just turning off the lights.” Hongjoong’s first stop was to turn on the star projector.

He pouted. “What? No, I want to see you.”

“It’ll be better this way for you, okay?” The lights in the room flicked off, casting the room in a starry darkness.

What the fuck did that mean? Seonghwa was perfectly fine with the lights on. “Uh, okay.”

Hongjoong turned around to take off his pants, so that he wasn’t facing Seonghwa. To be considerate, Seonghwa turned his eyes up to the top of the bunk. Though, he really wished he could have seen Hongjoong because the sound of his belt clanking _alone_ sent a jolt to Seonghwa’s dick.

Was Hongjoong acting weird? Or was it all in Seonghwa’s head? Was Hongjoong shy, maybe? Was Seonghwa pushing things too far?

Hongjoong getting back in bed seemed to clear Seonghwa’s mind of any worries because he got very distracted by Hongjoong’s lips back once again on his. Eventually, Seonghwa realized something was missing. He couldn’t feel Hongjoong’s hardness – it was as if Hongjoong was carefully angling his hips away from him.

Seonghwa whined and grabbed ahold of Hongjoong’s hips, pulling them downwards.

Quickly, Hongjoong managed to squirm out of his grasp, sitting back on his knees. “Do you want to take off your pants?”

It was the clearest first look of Hongjoong that he had gotten, and it was by the dim light of all of the stars zooming across the room. The right side of him lit up by the stars, his disheveled hair, sleek bare chest, the dark, ambiguous color of his boxer briefs, the vaguest outline of the tent his hardness was creating in his underwear. Seonghwa really needed things to start moving faster between them because he may just end up fucking exploding on the spot. “Sure, if that’s okay?”

Hongjoong’s eyes roamed over him. He nodded.

Seonghwa shimmied out of his sweatpants, Hongjoong helping him once they got down to his knees. It was once his pants were tossed to the side that a wave of nervousness hit him.

He was just in his underwear. And so was Hongjoong.

No wonder Hongjoong had been acting so weird. The whole thing was kind-of weird. Just three months ago they were just friends and roommates. And now they were practically naked in front of each other. In a non-platonic way, mind you.

There was no going back after this.

“Are you alright?” Hongjoong asked, probably since Seonghwa was just lying there staring at him.

“Y-yeah, just nervous, sorry,” he stuttered. He glanced down at his own, very obvious, tent in his underwear.

“We can stop now, if you want,” Hongjoong hurriedly said. “It’s okay.”

Seonghwa sat up and grabbed ahold of Hongjoong’s hands. “No, no, I’m fine. I was just thinking about how weird this is.”

“Weird?”

That was obviously the wrong thing to say, by the way Hongjoong leaned back away from him. “No, not like that. Just – ugh, just because we’ve known each other for so long? I mean, did you ever think you’d be doing this sort of _thing_ with me?” he gave an awkward chuckle.

Hongjoong shook his head no.

“Growing pains, right?” Seonghwa said.

He gave a half-hearted smile. “Right.”

Seonghwa tugged on his hands. “So come on. Please.”

Hongjoong studied him for a moment, resisting Seonghwa’s tugs to try and bring Hongjoong back down on top of him once again. “Can I give you what I owe you?” he slowly asked.

“What you owe me?”

He gestured at Seonghwa’s groin.

“Oh… _oh_!” Hongjoong meant the blowjob that Wooyoung claimed that Hongjoong owed Seonghwa. Seonghwa had been fully intent on spending most of their time giving _Hongjoong_ the undivided attention (even though he still was very unsure of what his own blowjob skills were going to be like), but he wasn’t exactly in the position to refuse Hongjoong. “Um, sure, but only if I can take care of you too.”

Hongjoong gave him a quick nod before he was pushing Seonghwa backwards and attacking his lips with his own. _Fuck_ , was all Seonghwa could think. Hongjoong was being more aggressive than Seonghwa was used to, not that he was complaining. Hongjoong’s tongue seemed to be everywhere at once inside of Seonghwa’s mouth. And his hands…one of Hongjoong’s hands was fisted in Seonghwa’s hair while the other made its slow descent down his torso. Seonghwa still couldn’t feel Hongjoong’s hardness and he let out a low whine as he thrust his hips up, seeking him out.

Hongjoong moved his mouth over to Seonghwa’s hair, breathing heavily into it. “Is it okay if I touch you?” he murmured as his hand skated dangerously close to Seonghwa’s underwear.

He squeezed his eyes shut and muttered a soft, “Yes.” He could feel himself leaking onto his underwear.

Hongjoong shifted to look Seonghwa in the eye. There was a nervous tension within him that Seonghwa noticed. “I’m going to go slow,” he told him.

“Okay,” Seonghwa whispered.

And then Hongjoong’s hand was brushing against Seonghwa’s cock over his underwear and Seonghwa whimpered against his control and turned his head roughly to the side, in an effort to hide his face.

“Shhh, it’s alright,” Hongjoong soothed, resting his forehead against Seonghwa’s temple.

Nothing was really happening, Hongjoong’s hand was just kind of hovering over Seonghwa’s dick, but it was the potential of what was to come that had Seonghwa hovering over the edge - that had pure lightning coursing through his veins.

Seonghwa tilted his head and rubbed Hongjoong’s cheek with the tip of his nose. Hongjoong’s mouth found his again and then they were kissing, Hongjoong taking the moment to start stroking Seonghwa’s cock at an agonizingly slow pace.

Seonghwa gave Hongjoong a few lingering pecks and then tilted his head back, gasping up at the sky. Hongjoong’s free hand splayed out across the side of Seonghwa’s face as Hongjoong went back to gently sucking on his neck.

Seonghwa’s hands had been meandering about Hongjoong’s bare back, but he moved one of them up to gently stroke Hongjoong’s hair instead. 

He wasn’t going to cum like this, right? It almost felt like he was, with how fast his heart was racing, how hard it was becoming to restrain his hips from thrusting upwards. But he wasn’t going to come with just Hongjoong touching him through a layer of fabric, right? He wasn’t sixteen.

Hongjoong pulled his head back. “Is it okay if I…?” His index finger slipped underneath the band of Seonghwa’s underwear.

Maybe Seonghwa _wouldn’t_ end up cumming like that. But he _would_ probably end up cumming soon, especially since he said: “Yeah, it’s okay.”

Hongjoong pressed their foreheads firmly together and he slowly slid his hand into Seonghwa’s underwear. His hand was cool against his body. Smooth. Small. Dangerously close to his dick.

The nervousness came back, eating away at the excitement in his bones. What if he ended up cumming too fast? What if he made weird noises? Or made Hongjoong uncomfortable? Or something else truly terrible? 

And then Hongjoong’s hand gripped around Seonghwa’s cock and his mind went empty. His breath caught and his eyes rolled back in his head. He needed everything everything everything. He needed more more more. He needed Hongjoong-ah Hongjoong-ah Hongjoong-ah.

He tried desperately to shove his head to the side once again, but Hongjoong’s forehead, and his strong hand against his Seonghwa’s cheek, prevented him from doing so. Though, Seonghwa didn’t even understand why he even tried hiding his face, with the lights off in the room and their foreheads pressed together, there wasn’t much of Hongjoong’s face he could actually see.

Hongjoong’s face. He wished he could see it. Wide eyes, pretty lips, smooth cheeks.

Hongjoong swirled a finger around the head of Seonghwa’s cock, gathering the pre-cum from there to use as lube as he stroked his hand slowly up and down, up and down.

Seonghwa’s hips involuntarily thrusted upwards. It was then that he finally felt Hongjoong’s own cock, hard as hell against his hipbone. “Hongjoong-ah,” Seonghwa’s voice felt and sounded thick and low. “Let me touch you.”

“No, I’m giving you attention right now,” he replied before moving to kiss along Seonghwa’s jawline.

Seonghwa didn’t want, or deserve, all of the attention. He just wanted to touch Hongjoong. He wanted him to feel as good as he did. Because he felt _so good_. Hongjoong was _so good_. His hand was moving slow but steady, as if he was teasing him. As if he wanted Seonghwa to last as long as possible. He was even doing it the right way: going all the way down and all the way back up, even twisting his wrist a bit when he reached the head.

He could feel his dick start to get dry, and with no body soap to use as lube like he used in the shower, Seonghwa decided not to mention it.

However, Hongjoong mumbled, “Sorry I’m about to do something gross.”

Before Seonghwa could even fully understand what Hongjoong had said, Hongjoong was pulling his hand out of Seonghwa’s underwear, quickly spitting into his palm, and putting his now wet hand back on Seonghwa’s cock.

It was gross, sure. But Seonghwa found himself really not caring because it was Hongjoong and it somehow felt even better and he was suddenly very very very close to –

“I’m – I’m close,” Seonghwa babbled.

Hongjoong didn’t reply, only buried his face in Seonghwa’s neck and started stroking Seonghwa faster.

Seonghwa felt like a rubber band being stretched and stretched and stretched and so close to breaking, so close to snapping. He squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth.

It was when Hongjoong’s self-restraint must’ve broken, when Hongjoong started grinding down on Seonghwa’s hip, that he finally snapped. His body tensed, his eyes flew back open, and he panted: “Joong-ah, Joong-ah – _ah_.” He tugged on the roots of Hongjoong’s hair with one hand while the other went to meet Hongjoong’s wrist down at his underwear. He tugged on Hongjoong’s hand, so it wouldn’t be part of the mess, but Hongjoong’s hand stubbornly stayed, stroking Seonghwa through his orgasm.

Seonghwa’s body raged for a few moments before it seemed to give up, his body fully relaxing, his head tilting back against the pillow, his grip growing loose on Hongjoong’s hair roots and wrist.

Hongjoong’s hand came to a stop. They both stayed in that position for a minute, with just their panting filling the room.

It took a while for coherent thoughts to fill Seonghwa’s head once again.

Hongjoong delicately removed his hand from Seonghwa’s softening cock and wiped any leftover residue on the inside of Seonghwa’s underwear.

Seonghwa winced at the mess he had made. He ended up speaking the first words: “Sorry.”

“You should be apologizing to your underwear, not me,” Hongjoong joked, lifting his head to look at Seonghwa. “They’re the ones that are going to end up in the trash.”

Yeah, those stains were never going to come out. Pun un-intended.

“You were um – you were really good at that,” Seonghwa said awkwardly.

Hongjoong gave a nervous chuckle. “Thanks.” He rolled off of Seonghwa to lay beside him.

“Let me do you now.”

He sucked in his breath. “No, it’s okay, it’s getting late. Maybe some other time.”

Seonghwa whined and shifted onto his side. “But you’re still hard.” Nuzzling his face into Hongjoong’s neck, he ran his hand across Hongjoong’s chest.

“Eh, I need to take a shower anyways.”

“You’d rather jack off in the shower than have me do it?”

“‘Hwa,” Hongjoong tsked. “I don’t want to do too much too fast.”

“But you’re not. I’m fine. I want to.” Seonghwa moved his hand down to Hongjoong’s waistband.

“I said no!” Hongjoong’s hand grabbed onto Seonghwa’s wrist, throwing him off of him as he sat up in bed.

It almost felt like Hongjoong had slapped him. And he was confused as to why. “I don’t understand…Did I do something wrong?”

Hongjoong scrubbed his hands over his face before he climbed over Seonghwa to get out of the bunk. “You need to respect when someone tells you no.”

“But…but how can someone be perfectly fine with giving someone a handjob but then not want to receive a handjob themself?” He sat up in bed and stared at Hongjoong.

“You don’t have to understand someone’s reasoning to respect it,” Hongjoong said gruffly as he hurriedly pulled his jeans back on.

“But we’re together, you can tell me that sort of stuff. You know that.”

Hongjoong sighed loudly, turning away from Seonghwa. He hadn’t bothered to buckle his belt.

Meanwhile, Seonghwa was doing his best to blink away brimming tears. Was he a horrible person? Was he trying to force Hongjoong into doing something that he didn’t want to do? Seonghwa just didn’t understand why Hongjoong was so adamant about not receiving a handjob. It was more nerve-wracking to _give_ someone a handjob, right? Did Seonghwa not understand sex? “I’m so confused. Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”

Hongjoong remained silent.

It was all his fault. He’d pushed Hongjoong too far. He was so selfish. He had just wanted more and more without thinking of how Hongjoong felt. Hongjoong didn’t deserve that. He deserved so much better. He was always thinking of Seonghwa first, but Seonghwa only thought of himself first. “I’m sorry,” Seonghwa’s voice cracked as a tear slipped away, gliding down his cheek. He wrapped himself in the comforter, now chilly without Hongjoong beside him to keep him warm.

It was when Seonghwa let out the smallest sniffle that Hongjoong came back rushing over to him, kneeling at the edge of the bunk with a gentle face. “Seonghwa-yah, no, please don’t cry.”

A louder sniffle escaped Seonghwa and he buried his face in the comforter. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, muffled from the comforter.

“You need to stop apologizing so much, especially when you didn’t do anything wrong,” he heard Hongjoong say.

“But I was _s-selfish_ ,” Seonghwa said. “You-you told me n-no but I didn’t l-listen.”

“No.” He grabbed onto the comforter and forced Seonghwa’s head out of it. “Please don’t listen to me.”

He sniffed. “W-what? Why?”

Hongjoong glanced up at the ceiling in an effort to avoid Seonghwa’s gaze. “Because I’m just scared,” he murmured. 

“You? Why?”

He slowly exhaled. “Being on stage doesn’t scare me,” he mused slowly. “Being the leader doesn’t scare me. Even my dad doesn’t scare me. But you, you scare me so much.”

Seonghwa sat there stunned, letting the last of his tears roll off his face. The stars burned above them and the room went quiet. Eventually, Seonghwa found his words: “Why would you ever be scared of _me_?”

“Why wouldn’t I be scared of losing you?” 

“Joong-ah,” he said firmly. He moved to the end of the bunk and grabbed ahold of Hongjoong’s hands. “You’re not going to lose me.”

Hongjoong frowned. “Doesn’t mean I’m not any less terrified.”

“Why are you so scared? What’s wrong?”

“It’s easier for a man to receive a handjob than to give one.”

He was taken aback by Hongjoong’s bluntness. And by what he was implying. “Wait, what? That’s – that’s stupid. My feelings for you have nothing to do with sex. Sex isn’t important.”

“Exactly, which is why I’m not willing to risk it for you.”

“Risk it for me? I told you I’m not going anywhere,” Seonghwa whined softly.

“I know, I know. But…” he sighed. “Remember what you told me the night after we first kissed?”

 _Oh_. That was what was going on. All the puzzle pieces came together in Seonghwa’s mind at once. He slowly retracted his hands from Hongjoong. “You’re still not convinced I’m actually gay, are you?”

“‘Hwa, you told me you weren’t sure – ”

“No, I _told you_ I was worried that I’d end up being straight after all. There’s a difference. Not being sure means I have a choice in the matter. And being gay isn’t a choice.”

Hongjoong locked his jaw and looked away.

“Besides,” Seonghwa continued, “you _told me_ that it was all your fault because when I came to you confessing I was gay and in love with you, you told me I must have been confused and mistaken.”

“What am I supposed to do if you’re not actually gay? Hm? What am I supposed to do?” his voice shook. “What if…what if we have sex, and you see me, and,” emotion overcame him, “you realize that you’re actually straight? I can’t – I can’t take that. I won’t.”

“Hongjoong-ah - ”

Hongjoong blinked furiously and stood up. “It’s getting late and I still need to shower.”

“What?” he asked incredulously. “This is important! We need to talk about this now!”

“No, we can talk about it another day.”

This time Seonghwa obeyed Hongjoong when he said no. Hongjoong walked off and took his shower, and when Hongjoong eventually came to bed, Seonghwa pretended to be asleep.

*

Seonghwa wasn’t surprised when he woke up to find Hongjoong gone. They didn’t have a music show that day, so he’d probably already gone in to the studio. Plus, it was a good excuse for him to avoid Seonghwa after their fight.

It was one of the few days they’d get off that month due to promotions. He originally had been planning on savoring it, but he had different plans now. In particular, one thing he had to accomplish that day: confirm he was really gay.

With Hongjoong gone, and nowhere else to really be, he decided to take a long shower.

Except, he wasn’t in the shower the whole time. No, he locked the door, turned on the showerhead, and huddled himself on the floor watching gay porn for the first time on his phone. He already had a VPN on his phone for when he wanted to watch Disney +, so he booted that up, switched his brower to incognito, and typed in “gay porn.”

It was surprisingly an efficient way of finding gay porn.

He just had to know. Though, he felt like he did know he was gay. It was just Hongjoong that didn’t know. But, Seonghwa needed him to know. And Seonghwa needed to know how to prove it to Hongjoong that he was actually gay. That some dick wasn’t going to scare him away. That he wasn’t going to go anywhere else but wherever Hongjoong was.

He learned that gay porn was very different than straight porn.

For starters, there weren’t any girls. (Shocking, right?)

No, but really – there wasn’t the annoying, constant whining and moaning from the girl, or the sometimes very gross looking “girl parts,” or the tacky fake nails that were always somehow in every shot and angle. He did miss the boobs though.

Gay porn was…a lot of dicks. Something he had never really noticed when he watched straight porn. Whenever he used to watch straight porn (back when he had the time and privacy), he always just paid most of his attention to the boobs. He never really got involved in anything else going on. Well, the blow jobs were also nice to watch. 

When he first started watching some of the gay porn videos, he didn’t know where to look. He looked at their shirtless chests, which were nice, sure, but nothing he hadn’t seen before. Everybody always made gross faces in porn, so no matter the gender he never looked at faces. Girl asses were just universally better than guy asses, so he avoided looking at those. For the dicks, well, he could just look at his own in the mirror. Nothing special there. And the anal sex, they all did the doggy style position and there was a ton of that sort of content already in straight porn. No big deal.

He was starting to become seriously worried about his gayness until he stumbled across one _particular_ video. One where he had to put his phone down and glance around the bathroom with wide eyes, as if his eyes could barely believe what they were seeing and they had to reset to make sure that he was seeing correctly.

This guy well…this guy was _fingering_ this other guy. And it wasn’t scary “girl parts” obviously - it was an asshole. And it was…something completely new to Seonghwa. Not the asshole part. Girls had assholes too. But he’d never seen a video quite like that one. Not where the guy was laying on his back, writhing on the bed, as another guy slowly twisted his fingers into him. He couldn’t help but wonder what that would feel like. (How did it _stretch_ like that?)

It was like that opened the door to more and more and more gay porn for Seonghwa. He saw everything different after that. Anal sex in straight porn? Please, it had nothing on the anal sex in gay porn. The different sounds, the different visuals…it just had a completely different feeling. A feeling Seonghwa desperately wanted. But with Hongjoong, of course, none of the gross sweaty men in the videos.

But after watching enough videos to make himself painfully hard, he thought about a very important question as he clambered into the shower.

Who was the bottom? Seonghwa or Hongjoong? Because, obviously for it to work it would have to be either one of them. And being the bottom looked like it would hurt. Also…Seonghwa wanted to know how the porn stars got their shit so clean. (Pun intended.)

Seonghwa wouldn’t want to hurt Hongjoong. But Seonghwa also didn’t want _himself_ to get hurt.

Yet, he was _very_ curious. People had been having anal sex since the beginning of time. It must stretch pretty well, right? Especially since somehow double penetration was a thing…(Seonghwa didn’t click on that video.)

As he stroked his dick, he concentrated very hard on the memories of some of the videos he watched, trying to keep any thoughts of girls at bay. The fingering video popped into his head multiple times.

Would it – could he - ?

He paused and stared at the shower tiling in front of him. He needed to hurry up so it wouldn’t seem like he was taking a two-hour shower. But he was so curious.

Fuck it. He squeezed some more body wash on his hand that he was currently using for lube for his dick. He held a soapy index finger in front of his face and sighed. Well, it was probably the ultimate test of whether or not he was gay.

Seonghwa realized after he got his index finger into his ass that using soap for lube probably wasn’t the safest decision. But it was too late and it felt so weird and he was still hard so everything must be okay?

He came faster than usual. His hand ended up sort-of chaotically stroking his dick, while he concentrated mostly on the feeling of his finger. It was felt weird at first, and even weirder when he tried moving it in and out, (almost like he was shitting a bit), but it was after he got used to it, after he tried _curving_ his finger, that he understood everything a little bit better. 

Without a doubt, he was gay. He had just came with a finger in his asshole with other men’s assholes and dicks on his mind. What else was there? And yet, none of it mattered if Hongjoong didn’t believe him.

Seonghwa desperately needed advice.

And there was unfortunately only place he could turn:

Woosan.

After he got of the shower, waddled around a bit from his ass still feeling a little off, and got dressed, he went knocking on Yunho and San’s door. He wasn’t going to make the mistake of just walking in again.

“Come in!” San called.

Seonghwa opened the door and felt like he was reliving his life over again when he saw San and Wooyoung sitting at San’s desk. “Ah! I don’t want to see that!” Seonghwa cried and covered his face with his hands.

“We are not doing anything, Hyung,” Wooyoung sneered.

“Mhm, I’m sure.” Seonghwa peaked through his hands and saw San playing video games on his PC as Wooyoung sat beside him, staring at Seonghwa. “Where’s Yunho?” he continued.

“He went out to hang out with one of his friends,” San answered, not looking up from his game.

“I wish some of my friends were free,” Wooyoung grumbled and then looked pointedly as San. “You’re boring.”

San grimaced as he got killed in his game. He leaned back from his keyboard. “You’re free to leave anytime, Woo.”

“I have to take advantage of you being up at such an early hour,” Wooyoung retorted.

“I should’ve stayed asleep, all you’ve done is complain since I woke up,” San said.

Wooyoung gasped and tilted his head at San. “Me complain?! You bitched for fifteen minutes because the eggs I made you were too runny.”

“I didn’t say that! I said that they were extra gooey,” San pointed his finger at Wooyoung. “And I ate them, didn’t I?”

Wooyoung rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath.

“Are you two done?” Seonghwa asked.

Wooyoung answered “no” and San answered “yes” at the same time. They both looked over at each other with a scowl.

Seonghwa eyed the two carefully. “Well…I need you two for something. I say we should go to brunch.”

“Brunch? That is gay,” Wooyoung replied.

“You’re gay,” Seonghwa blinked.

“I know,” Wooyoung said like it was obvious. “That was not an insult. I think that is a good idea.” San moved to type on his keyboard and Wooyoung waved a finger at him. “Don’t you dare. Get dressed for brunch.”

“But my – my game?” San gestured to his computer screen. “– ugh fuck,” he cursed and banged his head on his keyboard.

“That will teach him to be nicer to my eggs,” Wooyoung grinned to Seonghwa.

It was once they were seated at the restaurant for brunch that Seonghwa said: “That’s funny that you and Wooyoung are fighting right now because me and Hongjoong had a fight last night.”

“You and Hyung had a fight?” San looked concerned.

Wooyoung, on the other hand, snorted at Seonghwa. “Awh, Hyung, that is cute that you thought me and Sanie were fighting. I am guessing you have never seen us _really_ fight?”

San shot a side-ways glare at Wooyoung.

“Before you ask, Woo, no I don’t want to see you two fight or anything,” Seonghwa rolled his eyes.

Wooyoung shrugged his shoulders. “Your loss.”

“Ugh, ignore him,” San grumbled to Seonghwa. “What did you and Hongjoong-hyung fight about?”

Seonghwa flushed and traced over the wood lining on the table with his fingernail. “Well, I’m not going to give you all the details, that’s private.”

“Well damn! Then why did you drag San away from his computer games to not even spill the tea?” Wooyoung huffed.

San turned towards Wooyoung. “I’m not complaining.”

“Oh please, I see it in your eyes.” Wooyoung gestured up to San’s eyes.

“The hell?” San scoffed.

“Okay, okay,” Seonghwa interrupted them before they could start arguing again. “Look, you guys, I just need advice.”

“Advice about what?” Wooyoung asked.

It was then that the waitress came up to them, so they had to pause and order their food before Seonghwa could continue.

“I need advice about…” Seonghwa looked around at the people seated at nearby tables and then back at San and Wooyoung, who were waiting in front of Seonghwa with expectant gazes. Seonghwa shoved his face mask down and whispered: “How to be gayer.”

Wooyoung pulled his face mask down as well, mouthing back: “What?”

“You heard me!” Seonghwa fiercely whispered before sliding his mask up his nose again.

“Hyung,” San spoke at a normal volume. “Why do you need to be more…? _You know_.”

Not that he didn’t trust San or Wooyoung, he just didn’t want to divulge Hongjoong’s obvious insecurities – he felt like it would be an invasion of trust on his part. So, he only shrugged and said: “I just don’t feel like I act very… _You know_.”

Wooyoung asked: “How is someone who is… _you know_ …supposed to act?”

“Well, um,” Seonghwa shifted in his chair. “My problems seem to be mostly in the um – well, the – ” Again, he pulled down his mask and mouthed: “ _Bedroom_.”

Wooyoung’s eyes went wide and San started choking violently on a sip of tea he had just drank, causing many of the people around them to start staring at them. Great, exactly what he needed while he was trying to get advice on gay sex. Maybe he shouldn’t have chosen brunch as a venue for that sort of topic of conversation.

Wooyoung beat San’s back and San wiped tears underneath his eyes. “Wow, Hyung, the thought of that alone almost killed poor Sanie,” Wooyoung joked. 

Seonghwa pushed San’s glass of water towards him.

As San started guzzling water, Wooyoung looked at Seonghwa. “You know I would give you any sort of advice in that department you need, just maybe exclude San. He is a little…” Wooyoung crossed his eyes and gave an overexaggerated, squeamish shiver.

“Oh whatever,” San croaked at Wooyoung, setting his glass back down on the table.

“Fine, how about I text it to you?” Seonghwa asked Wooyoung, his voice laced with irritation.

Wooyoung nodded and San grumbled, “You guys should have left me at home.”

Seonghwa pulled out his phone and started typing.

[ **SEONGHWA** : You better not show these messages to anyone! I WILL hurt you Woo-ah]

Seonghwa looked at Wooyoung and made a slicing motion across his own neck. Wooyoung rolled his eyes.

[ **WOOYOUNG** : Wow, so scary. But fine. What sexual things do you want to know, Hyung?]

Seonghwa thought to himself nervously. He looked up at San, who had made himself entertained by a game on his phone, and then at Wooyoung, who had taken the spare moment to scroll through Twitter apparently. Oh fuck it. He needed the advice.

[ **SEONGHWA** : I watched gay porn for the first time today.]

Seonghwa watched as Wooyoung read the text and looked up at Seonghwa with an alarmed expression. Wooyoung hurried texted back.

[ **WOOYOUNG** : That was the first time?! Where have you been??? Do you want me to recommend anything?]

“Ew, gross, Woo,” Seonghwa looked up at Wooyoung after he read his text. Wooyoung only eye-smiled at him.

[ **SEONGHWA** : You’re nasty. Anywaysss…obviously I have a lot of questions now.

 **WOOYOUNG** : Naturally.

 **SEONGHWA** : For starters…how do you know who is the top and who is the bottom?]

Wooyoung smacked his phone down on the table and buried his face in his hands. “Good lord, I have failed you,” he sighed.

“What?” Seonghwa whined.

Wooyoung waved his hand at Seonghwa. “Make it a group chat and put San in. I am going to need reinforcements.”

San looked up from his game. “Reinforcements?”

“Yes, Sanie, it is worse than I feared. He is completely uneducated,” Wooyoung drawled overdramtically.

Seonghwa rolled his eyes. “Okay.”

As Seonghwa was adding San into their chat, their food came, smelling like delicious fried eggs, tofu, rice, and kimchi.

[ ** _SEONGHWA_** _ADDED **SAN** INTO CHAT_

 **WOOYOUNG** : San-ah, u missed Seonghwa-hyung ask how u know who is supposed to the top and who is supposed to be the bottom in gay sex

 **SAN** : Take me out of the chat please!

 **SEONGHWA** : Please don’t tease me too much :’( I seriously need your help

 **WOOYOUNG** : Hyung you’re the bottom.]

It was Seonghwa’s turn to choke, but instead of tea, on a mouthful of seasoned kelp. 

“Wooyoung-ah,” San whined. “You know that’s not right. Positions are fluid. You don’t know what dynamic they have going on.”

Wooyoung scoffed and joked, with a mouthful of egg in his mouth: “Seonghwa-hyung wouldn’t even top Key sunbaenim.” 

“How do you – ” Seonghwa rasped and had to pause for a gulp of air. “How do you know that?” he asked Wooyoung.

Wooyoung waved his phone around and started typing.

[ **WOOYOUNG** : Topping and bottoming isn’t just about anatomy. It’s also about personality.

 **SEONGHWA** : How so?

 **WOOYOUNG** : It’s hard to explain. But here’s the litmus test: If you went on a road trip, which one of you would drive?

 **SEONGHWA** : Neither of us have our license you dummy

 **WOOYOUNG** : It’s a metaphor!!!

 **SAN** : A dumb one

 **WOOYOUNG** : Stop!

 **SAN** : Gladly

 **WOOYOUNG** : ANYWAYS, which one of you would drive?

 **SEONGHWA** : I don’t know. Probably Hongjoong because he’s better at directions? This is dumb

 **SAN** : Very. Hongjoong-hyung would be a terrible driver. He wouldn’t even be able to see above the steering wheel]

Seonghwa heard San yelp and he looked up to see Wooyoung texting furiously while San rubbed his arm and looked down sadly at his phone.

[ **WOOYOUNG** : Basically, if you answer that you wouldn’t be driving, you’re the bottom. If you would be the driver, you’re the top. And then if either of you would drive depending on the situation, then you’re verses.

 **SEONGHWA** : What if neither of you would drive because neither of you have your license?

 **WOOYOUNG** : Then you would be a nun??? IDK?!

 **SEONGHWA** : This isn’t helpful btw

 **WOOYOUNG** : It honestly is. Because once you start thinking about power bottoms and stuff, it can get confusing. The driving metaphor is perfect. Because power bottoms still don’t drive. They are too spoiled to

 **SEONGHWA** : So…would you drive?

 **SAN** : I drive.]

It was information Seonghwa really probably didn’t need or want. Honestly, knowing details about San and Wooyoung sex life was disturbing.

But…he went to a private chat with Wooyoung only and asked him directly:

[ **SEONGHWA** : Does it hurt??]

Wooyoung’s head shot up and he grinned at Seonghwa.

[ **WOOYOUNG** : Not if you do it right.]

 _Not if you do it right??_ Nerves started dancing in Seonghwa’s stomach.

[ **SEONGHWA** : But…if I watched gay porn and liked it…I’m definitely gay right?]

Wooyoung sighed loudly and said aloud: “Hyung, what is this really all about? What stupid thing did Hongjoong-hyung say?”

Seonghwa hesitated to say, but he saw the gears turning in San’s head nevertheless.

“You said problems in the bedroom…” San mused. “And that you needed to be more… _you know_.”

“Ohhh! I get it now,” Wooyoung’s eyes widened.

Seonghwa hurried shook his hands. “No, no, Hongjoong-hyung didn’t say anything.”

“Well, obviously he did because you said you two had a fight,” Wooyoung pointed out.

This had been a very bad idea. Seonghwa should have never asked San and Wooyoung for advice. The last thing he had wanted to do was overshare his and Hongjoong’s private conversations.

“Look, obviously Hyung doesn’t want to talk specifics, right?” San said to Wooyoung, probably noticing the panicked look on Seonghwa’s face.

Seonghwa nodded wordlessly.

“Ok…” Wooyoung started. “Whatever may have…or have not…happened, there is no such thing as being _you know_ enough or not enough. Does that make sense?”

Not really, since they had to speak in code while they were out in public.

Wooyoung continued: “If you feel what you feel, you feel it. No one can tell you different. Okay?”

“Yeah, I know that,” Seonghwa said.

“But I’m guessing Hyung does not?” Wooyoung raised his eyebrows.

At the mention of Hongjoong, Seonghwa grimaced, “Look, I don’t really wanna – ”

“Here, maybe this will help enlighten you a little bit,” San cut him off.

Seonghwa and Wooyoung sat up a bit, expectantly. 

“When Woo and I told Hongjoong-hyung about us, I remember him being super happy for us. Yeah?” San looked at Wooyoung and he nodded in agreement. “Sure, he was worried, but he was happy. And, Hyung,” he turned his attention to Seonghwa. “I do not know if you knew this or not, but that was the day he told us that he was also, _you know_.”

“No, I didn’t know that,” Seonghwa said.

“Yeah,” San nodded. “And we were surprised by it, and I remember him saying something along the lines of ‘What are the odds of there being three of us in one group?’”

“Yeah, it was something like that,” Wooyoung agreed.

San continued: “And it got kind of emotional, because you know, I think Hongjoong-hyung thought that he was going to be alone in it. And I do not mean just alone as in, the lone - _gay_ ,” he whispered, “ - member of the group. I mean, I think he also thought that he was going to be alone. Forever.”

Seonghwa’s chest tightened and he looked down at the table. “Well, um, w-why do you think that?” 

San shrugged, but Wooyoung replied with a solemn face: “Because he also looked sad. Even though he tried to hide it. Looking back now, probably because he was hoping it would be you coming out to him, instead of us. He probably figured the odds were too low that there would be four of us in one group.”

Seonghwa pondered on that for a long time.

*

Seonghwa knew Hongjoong too well. He knew that he’d avoid coming back to the dorm until late, late, late at night. Guaranteeing that Seonghwa would already be asleep, successfully avoiding any confrontation.

So, Seonghwa went ahead and surprised Hongjoong at his practice room.

Like always, Hongjoong was one of the only ones there. It was dead quiet, besides the beautiful piano music coming from behind Hongjoong’s closed door. It sounded like a flurry of keys, growing in volume and then lessening, only to grow in volume again. Almost like the sound of waves lapping at shore.

Seonghwa was too memorized by it, leaning against the wall beside the door, not wanting to walk in and interrupt. Every so often, there would be a missed key, a frustrated huff, a pause, and then a return to the music.

After one _particularly_ frustrated huff, Seonghwa finally decided to knock on the door, hopefully to save Hongjoong from his apparent anger.

“Come in!” Hongjoong called.

Seonghwa twisted the door open, finding a frazzled looking Hongjoong riffling through sheets of music. “What were you playing?”

Hongjoong’s head shot up at the sound of Seonghwa’s voice and he jumped up from his chair, putting the mess of papers on top of the keyboard. “Oh, um, nothing. I’m just trying to get better at piano.”

He shut the door behind him and leaned up against it. “Well, I thought it sounded really pretty.”

“Thank you,” Hongjoong said softly and bowed his head.

Seonghwa took a moment to look around the practice room, take note of Hongjoong (who looked gorgeous as always), and nervously run his fingers across the hemlines of his jeans. “I came here to talk to you, ‘cause I figured you’d be avoiding me.”

“I…I’m not avoiding you,” Hongjoong softly said, refusing to look up at him.

“Oh really?”

“No.”

He smirked. “Well, you sure are avoiding looking at me.”

Hongjoong slowly raised his head, meeting Seonghwa’s gaze. His eyes looked tired and sad. Was this how he had looked at San and Wooyoung that day?

“I watched gay porn this morning.” Seonghwa figured he’d just cut right to the chase.

And, Hongjoong’s expression was priceless. It was a mixture of shock, jealousy, and confusion. “Oh. Um, okay.” He was blinking at an enormous rate.

“I’m definitely gay, by the way. I just wanted to make sure of it.”

Hongjoong rubbed at his face and sank back down into his chair. “Fuck,” he murmured. “I know you are. I know. I just…I’m sorry.”

“We don’t have to have sex, you know,” he gently said. “I’m not with you for that. I’d like to, sure. But if it makes you uncomfortable – ”

“No, just – ugh, just stop,” Hongjoong interrupted him with a huff. “I’ve fucked this all up. Of course I want you, _like that_. It has nothing to do with whether or not I want you.”

“Oh…okay.” He eyed Hongjoong carefully, as Hongjoong tensely jiggled his knee and ran his fingers constantly through his hair.

The room went silent as Seonghwa gave Hongjoong the space he clearly needed to think. Of course, Seonghwa’s mind was thinking away too – contemplating everything that had happened up to that moment. Everywhere he and Hongjoong had been in the past. Everything San and Wooyoung had told him at brunch. Seonghwa knew what Hongjoong was insecure about. It was all a matter of whether or not they were going to openly talk about it or not, which with Hongjoong, was going to be difficult.

“I’m not…good with stuff like this,” Hongjoong started. “It’s hard for me.”

“I know, and it’s okay. Really.”

His face hardened and he snapped: “No, it isn’t. ‘Hwa, you could do – god, you could do so much better than me. Can’t you see that?”

“No, no I can’t.” He took a few steps toward him. “Because you’re _Kim Hongjoong_. And I don’t understand why _you_ can’t see that.”

Hongjoong stood back up from the chair and angrily shook his hand at Seonghwa. “I’m not blind! I can see what I look like and what you look like. I can see how different we are. I can see why we fight so much. You want someone who will talk to you about things, and I’m not that. You want someone who will work less, and I’m not that. And I don’t want you to be blinded by love, or whatever, now and then someday finally realize who exactly I am and then…and then fucking leave.”

“Quit telling me what I want and don’t want!” Seonghwa raised his voice. “I want you, I want to have sex with you, I want all of it. Why are you making this so difficult? It’s almost like you want to be alone!”

“Because that’s what I deserve! That’s how it’s supposed to be!” he spit back.

“Says who?”

Hongjoong bit his tongue and didn’t answer.

“Says who?” Seonghwa repeated. “Hm? Your dad?”

He scoffed and shook his head. “You don’t understand. You had the luxury of experiencing your gay awakening _after_ you had already left home.”

“You’re right,” he nodded. “I don’t understand. So tell me. I want to understand you.”

“I don’t _want_ you to understand. I _like_ that you don’t understand. This is why I don’t want to tell you stuff. Not because I’m trying to hide, or lie, or whatever. But because I love you and I don’t want someone I love to understand things like that. Okay?”

Seonghwa blinked slowly. “You – you love me?”

Hongjoong’s face softened and he looked away. “Of course. You already knew that.”

He did, in a way. In the way Hongjoong treated him. Like Seonghwa was something precious, something of value. Presents, stars, comforting words, quality time. Sure, they’d danced around the subject of love back when they first got together, when Hongjoong had said that he thought that he was in love with him, but the word hadn’t been muttered by them since.

But thinking you were in love with someone and loving someone were two very different things.

Of course, Seonghwa didn’t “think” he was in love with Hongjoong, nor was he “in love” with Hongjoong. He _loved_ Hongjoong. Every part of him too, not just the parts that Hongjoong let him see. He also loved the parts that Hongjoong didn’t let him see. The parts that Seonghwa desperately wanted to see.

“You know I love you too, right?” Seonghwa asked.

Hongjoong let out a shaky sigh. “Seonghwa-yah…” he murmured.

“And you know that you deserve it, right?”

He pinched his face and shook his head.

Seonghwa took a few steps closer to him. “Joong-ah. You deserve it. You deserve it, okay? You deserve me, you deserve ATEEZ, you deserve Atiny, you deserve…you deserve the _world_.” 

Hongjoong backed up against the piano, resting his hands back on the keys – making a soft clang! His eyes fluttered up to the ceiling. They were wet and big and so, so sad.

Seonghwa continued toward him, until he was standing in front of him. “I love you so much,” he pressed on. “You’re my everything. I think you’re the most talented, handsome, kindest, smartest person I’ve ever met.”

His watery eyes met Seonghwa’s gaze. “Stop,” Hongjoong mouthed silently.

“Never. Not until you believe it too.”

Hongjoong’s lip quivered and he wiped at his eyes. “I can still hear him. It was so long ago and I can’t seem to forget.”

Seonghwa’s chest constricted. He leaned forward and rested his head against Hongjoong’s.

“It’s clear as day,” he continued softly. “I clearly remember him saying, ‘Maybe it’s a good thing you aren’t straight, since no woman would ever love you.’ And you know, I really didn’t care about women, obviously. But my dad’s a man, and he didn’t love me, so I figured you know…maybe no one will ever – ”

He cut him off with a kiss. He grabbed Hongjoong’s face and ripped up it upwards and pressed a firm kiss on his mouth. Seonghwa could feel the wetness on Hongjoong’s cheek underneath his fingers. He could feel Hongjoong’s pounding heart against his own chest. He could feel Hongjoong’s ragged breath hot in his mouth.

“Your dad was wrong, because I love you,” Seonghwa muttered against Hongjoong’s lips.

Hongjoong pulled back from him. “What if you change your mind?”

“It doesn’t even matter what I think,” his eyes flitted around Hongjoong’s face. “It matters what you think. No one can take that away from you. And I learned that from you, you know.”

“That still doesn’t change the fact that I’m scared of losing you.”

“I’ve thought about you this way since I met you. I don’t see me changing my mind anytime soon,” Seonghwa said. “And, what makes you think I’m not scared of losing you too?”

Hongjoong brought his hand up to cup Seonghwa’s cheek. “You have nothing to be scared of.”

“And neither do you.”

Hongjoong’s eyes flashed and he crushed his lips against Seonghwa’s.

Seonghwa’s tongue came to swipe at Hongjoong’s lips and he pushed Hongjoong further into the piano. “I love you,” he sighed against Hongjoong’s mouth.

“Mm - ” Hongjoong made a noise at the back of his throat. “‘Hwa.” His arms wrapped around Seonghwa’s neck as Seonghwa’s hands pressed firmly at Hongjoong’s hip bone.

They kissed madly. As if it was their first time and their last time. It still felt new and exciting and fresh, even though it had been months of kissing and years with Hongjoong. But Seonghwa couldn’t help but feel grateful to have him in his life. And he wanted Hongjoong to be happy and content and peaceful knowing that Seonghwa loved him, appreciated him, and respected him.

Somehow they made it over to the couch that was in the practice room. The _new_ couch, mind you. It still had a fresh, clean leather smell as Seonghwa laid Hongjoong down on it and crawled on top of him. He ran his hands up and down Hongjoong’s body, layered kisses on his mouth, down to his neck.

When Seonghwa’s hand made it to Hongjoong’s waistband, he looked Hongjoong in the eye. “Someday, I want you. Is that okay?”

“Yes,” he answered thickly.

He watched Hongjoong closely as he moved his hand down to cup Hongjoong through his jeans.

Hongjoong’s eyes widened, his pupils grew, he whispered fiercely, warningly: “Seonghwa-yah.”

Seonghwa could feel Hongjoong’s long length through the fabric. If only they could completely ruin the brand-new couch. “I want you to know that I mean it.”

He swallowed hard. “I know now.”

“Good,” he smirked, moving his hand back up to slide underneath Hongjoong’s sweatshirt.

“Okay, we need to chill out now though,” Hongjoong lightly giggled, gently shoving Seonghwa off of him. “Someone could walk in.”

They repositioned so they were sitting side-by-side on the couch. “I kind of want them to, though,” Seonghwa mused.

Hongjoong gave him a wild, anxious look, prompting Seonghwa to wave his hands and chuckle.

“Don’t give me that look! Obviously I don’t really want that, but you know…I kinda want to show you off. That I managed to get Kim Hongjoong, the producer genius himself.”

“Oh whatever,” Hongjoong smiled and shook his head. “You don’t think I want to show you off too? You’re practically a model. No one would probably believe me though if I told them.”

Seonghwa gave a dramatic, offended gasp. “Practically a model?! Excuse me, I _am_ a model.”

“Okay, that’s it, I’m never complimenting you again. It’s too dangerous.”

They both laughed, taking in the moment of time where they had finally seemed to work everything out. No more push and pull. No more back and forth. This was it now. Hongjoong finally let Seonghwa have him. And Seonghwa didn’t think the universe could have been any kinder to them.

After their laughter had died down, Hongjoong asked: “Do you think you’d ever tell your parents about us?”

He thought for a moment. “I don’t know. Their opinion has never really mattered to me. But, maybe? I know they’d throw a fit about it, not that I’d even care….But, how about you?”

“Well, I’d tell my mom, of course, eventually. She’d be so happy. But my dad…” Hongjoong paused to sigh. “I don’t think he deserves to know about you. He’s only ever ruined things for me, and you know, I don’t want anyone ruining you.”

Seonghwa grabbed ahold of Hongjoong’s hand. “I can handle it though. I’m not delicate.”

“I know you’re not,” Hongjoong squeezed his hand. “But yet…you still are to me.”

*

They had that whole argument about sex, only for there to be zero time for them to be having any. Of course, it was good for them to get on the same page with everything and finally truly understand one another…but Seonghwa was getting very, _very_ sexual frustrated. They had constant schedules. It was music shows, and filming for _Immortal Songs_ (which they incredibly WON to everyone’s great joy), and photoshoots, and interviews, and just exhaustion, exhaustion, exhaustion. At night, Seonghwa fell asleep as soon as his head hit the damn pillow. And then on their days off, they all slept, or just kept practicing anyways. If he didn’t have any time or energy to masterbate, he surely wasn’t having any time to suck Hongjoong’s dick.

It was when Hongjoong showed up to the company one day, with his hair dyed _brown_ , that Seonghwa really fucking lost it. It was a total surprise to him as he was exiting his vocal lesson and saw Hongjoong walking down the hall with brown hair and he looked _so good_ and Seonghwa was _so fucking horny_ all the time…

Hongjoong waved at him and Seonghwa hurriedly walked up to him, grabbed ahold of his arm - not giving a flying fuck who saw him - and dragged Hongjoong off into a nearby empty conference room.

“Am I in trouble?” Hongjoong asked with a giggle.

Seonghwa let go of his arm. Unfortunately, the conference room had windows. Why hadn’t he dragged Hongjoong into a windowless closet so he could have had his way with him?

“Your hair,” Seonghwa said. “It’s brown. You didn’t tell me you were dyeing it today.”

“I wanted it to be a surprise! Do you like it?” Hongjoong beamed.

Where did Seonghwa even begin? All he could do was dopily nod.

“Look! They even cleaned up my undercut.” Hongjoong pulled back the side of his hair showing the neatly buzzed underneath of it.

Seonghwa thought he was going to spontaneously combust. Why did they have it so fucking hot in the conference room? He could feel the sweat beads forming on his body. He cleared his throat and tried to retain any semblance of composure. “Are you going to be working late tonight?”

Hongjoong smirked and ran his fingers through his hair. Was he trying to torture Seonghwa? If he was, it was working. “Depends. Why?”

Oh. He was going to flirt. That was fine. Seonghwa could flirt too. He wasn’t going to be the only person getting tortured. He quickly glanced out the conference room windows to double check the empty hallway. “Well, if you come home at a decent hour you may just get a blowjob.”

Hongjoong’s face twitched a bit and he sucked in a low breath. “Th-that’s a good reason to come home on time.”

“Well, I guess I’ll see you at home, _on time_ ,” he smugly grinned before sauntering away.

If Seonghwa ever needed Hongjoong home on time again, he now knew how to make it happen. Just mention the word blow job and a Hongjoong would miraculously turn up on your doorstep at a decent hour. Because, not that long after Seonghwa had gotten back to the dorm, Hongjoong walked through their bedroom door, noticeably locking it behind him.

Seonghwa hadn’t been wearing anything particularly extravagant at the company that day, but when he got back to the dorm before Hongjoong, he had tried to change into clothes that he knew Hongjoong would like. It proved difficult because Hongjoong had never really expressed an opinion one way or another on Seonghwa’s clothes – which left Seonghwa just guessing. So, he ended up choosing a pair of black skinny jeans and an oversized, long sleeved shirt that hung off his shoulder. He hopefully wouldn’t be wearing them long anyways.

“Hey,” Seonghwa bid casually over his shoulder as he finished tidying up one of their drawers. Of course, while he had been getting changed, he couldn’t resist cleaning.

“What the hell has gotten into you?” Hongjoong’s voice sounded amused. “You changed your clothes?”

Seonghwa closed the drawer and turned around to find Hongjoong smirking at him. “Well one of us has to dress up,” he gestured to Hongjoong’s outfit, which was a ball cap and a baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants.

“Well I see that you still don’t have clothes that fit you,” he eyed Seonghwa’s exposed shoulder.

He let out a loud laugh. “Me?! I could probably fit in your clothes with you!”

Hongjoong chuckled and set down his backpack near his desk. Along with it, came the face mask that was still around his chin and, to Seonghwa’s great joy: his hat. “You never told me if you liked my hair, you know,” he said, running his hands through his hair to fluff it out.

Seonghwa’s fingers twitched. He desperately wanted to run his own hands through Hongjoong’s hair. “You know I do.”

“I’m probably going to grow the mullet out again,” his eyes crinkled deviously.

He almost choked. “R-really?”

“You know,” Hongjoong grinned, “my blue hair is starting to get really offended by your blatant bias.”

He waved his hand in dismissal. “Yeah, that was nice and everything, but this…? Joong-ahhh,” he whined low as he approached Hongjoong.

Hongjoong gave a smug look and sank down into his desk chair. “Why are you whining? What do you want?”

“You know what I want.”

“Hm, do I?”

An idea flashed in Seonghwa’s head. A totally evil, evil idea. One spawned from inspiration from _Woosan_ , of all places (not that he’d ever tell Hongjoong that).

Leaning back in the chair, Hongjoong looked up at him expectantly as Seonghwa towered over him. His eyes grew wider though when Seonghwa started climbing on top of him. “Ah, wait, ‘Hwa, no, ah - you’re too tall for this.”

Hongjoong’s pleas didn’t deter Seonghwa. As he put all of his weight on Hongjoong, Hongjoong let out a pained grunt while Seonghwa struggled to get situated straddling his lap in a way that didn’t topple them and the chair over.

How had San and Wooyoung done that so easily and sexily? (Not that he was saying Woosan was sexy…) But Seonghwa felt like he was being completely unsexy and awkward and…yeah, it was a totally evil, evil idea that totally evilly, evilly backfired back on him.

Thankfully, Hongjoong helped him out, despite his protest. He rested his hands on Seonghwa’s hips and helped steady him on top of him. “Are you happy now?” Hongjoong quipped.

Seonghwa slowly released his death grip from the head of the chair, moving his hands to Hongjoong’s shoulders. “Yep!”

“Well good, ‘cause I think you crushed a couple of my ribs there.”

“Don’t be such a baby,” he grumbled.

Hongjoong grabbed ahold of the back of Seonghwa’s head and guided his face so Seonghwa’s nose was only inches away from his own. “I don’t think that’s how you get into someone’s pants,” Hongjoong gave a wry smile.

He pouted and said small: “I’m just trying to be sexy for you.”

Hongjoong squeezed Seonghwa’s hip with one hand and moved his other hand from Seonghwa’s head down to his bare shoulder. “I think you’re already sexy enough as it is.” He traced his fingers across Seonghwa’s skin before grabbing the shirt’s neckline and pulling it up, covering Seonghwa’s shoulder. “Modesty is a virtue, you know.”

Another evil, evil idea erupted in his brain. He took his hands off Hongjoong and leaned back just enough so he could rip his shirt off and throw it to the side.

“Holy shit,” Hongjoong cursed. His hands immediately went down to Seonghwa’s abdomen. The abs were long gone, but based on Hongjoong’s face, Seonghwa really didn’t think he cared.

“Modesty who?” Seonghwa teased.

“I really need to start coming back to the dorm earlier at night,” Hongjoong murmured, half-way distracted by touching and grabbing and stroking Seonghwa’s naked torso.

“I wanna touch your hair.”

Aggressively, Hongjoong grabbed Seonghwa’s hands and shoved them in his hair before leaning up and kissing him hotly on the lips, bringing him flush up against him.

Seonghwa gasped against Hongjoong’s open mouth, fire pooling in his body, slinking its way down to his quickly hardening cock. Hongjoong was kissing him rough and fast with tongue and a kind of fury that had Seonghwa’s head spinning. Hongjoong’s hair was so soft under his fingers. He buried his fingers down to his buzzed undercut, feeling the way the hair brushed and tickled against his skin.

Hongjoong groaned and pulled away from Seonghwa. “You’re making me hot.” He shooed away Seonghwa’s hands so he could take off his sweatshirt and toss it away, leaving him in a short-sleeved David Bowie shirt.

“Oh, that’s cute,” he touched Hongjoong’s shirt.

Apparently, Hongjoong had other things on his mind than his shirt design. “Mm, come back,” he muttered, pulling Seonghwa back against him and latching his mouth onto Seonghwa’s neck.

Seonghwa gasped loudly, a bit _too_ loudly, and he bit down on his lip and willed himself to be quiet.

“Shhh,” Hongjoong hushed against his skin. He gave a few more quick pecks before leaning back to look up at Seonghwa. “I’m not moving too fast am I? Are you okay? Tell me if it’s too much.”

“Joong-ah, it’s been months. Things aren’t moving fast _enough_ ,” he complained.

Hongjoong’s eyes searched Seonghwa’s. “Well what do you want? Tell me what you want.”

“I want…” Now wasn’t the time for Seonghwa to be shy. But, unfortunately, he grew shy. He hadn’t been able to feel Hongjoong’s dick underneath him due to the position they were in, and all the annoying layers of clothing, but he hid his face in the chair and reached beneath him, resting his hand on Hongjoong’s clothed crotch.

He didn’t know how he had done it so confidently that one day in the practice room. It wasn’t like he was unsure or anything. He really wanted Hongjoong’s dick. Badly. Especially since the sweatpants he was wearing weren’t as constrictive as jeans and he could feel, very clearly, his

hardened cock. He could probably wrap his hand around it if he wanted to. And he did want to. So why was he suddenly so shy?

Maybe because this was much more real. If he had his way, which was probably what was going to happen, he’d be sucking Hongjoong’s dick. And what if he was terrible? He hadn’t exactly practiced over the past few months. And the people in porn always made it look easy. What if Seonghwa like…choked on it or something? Oh, he’d die of embarrassment.

Meanwhile, Hongjoong had tensed underneath Seonghwa. “Are - um,” he cleared his throat, “Are you sure?”

Seonghwa leaned his head against the side of Hongjoong’s, so Hongjoong could feel it when he wordlessly nodded.

“Okay. Do you want me to turn off the lights, or do you want to move to – ”

“No,” Seonghwa whined in Hongjoong’s ear. He really didn’t want to move. He liked feeling Hongjoong underneath him. He liked the potential of sucking Hongjoong’s dick while Hongjoong sat in his chair.

Hongjoong soothingly ran his hands up and down Seonghwa’s back. “Okay, okay.”

It was time for Seonghwa to be brave. Brave like how Hongjoong always was. Brave like how Seonghwa _should_ be.

And he wanted this. He wanted to touch Hongjoong. He’d wanted it for so long. He needed to fucking touch Hongjoong so badly –

He bit down on Hongjoong’s ear as his hand reached underneath Hongjoong’s sweatpants and underwear, grabbing ahold of Hongjoong’s hard cock.

Seonghwa could hear Hongjoong grit his teeth as he let out a barely restrained moan at the back of his throat. He released his teeth’s grip on Hongjoong’s ear and breathed hotly against his ear instead.

Hongjoong’s cock was so warm and firm and everything and more that Seonghwa had imagined it to be. Of course, now Seonghwa actually had to do something with it. He couldn’t just hold it there awkwardly.

He remembered what Hongjoong had done with Seonghwa, so figuring it was the best course of action, Seonghwa moved his hand up up up to the head and swirled his fingers around the beads of pre-cum before moving his hand back down down down.

Hongjoong shuddered out a shaky breath but otherwise remained silent as Seonghwa slowly and curiously rubbed his hand up and down.

“Is…is this okay?” Seonghwa whispered.

“M-mhm,” he breathed.

Seonghwa felt Hongjoong’s nose nudging up against his cheek and he turned his head to soon find Hongjoong’s lips back on his. Hongjoong’s fingers fanned out on Seonghwa’s back as Seonghwa continued to stroke his dick steadily. Unlike before, Hongjoong wasn’t kissing him hungrily or fervently. No, instead he was kissing him gently, leisurely, methodically. Hongjoong took his time giving Seonghwa long, lingering kisses – slow, artful brushes of his tongue. It made Seonghwa feel like…

He managed to pull himself away from Hongjoong’s tender lips to look at him with wide eyes. “Can I give you a blowjob?”

He swallowed hard. “Y-yeah, if you want. Do you…do you want to move to the bed, or - ?”

Seonghwa shook his head and moved off of Hongjoong’s lap, slinking down his knees on the floor. “No, I want you right here,” he murmured. He took his hand out of Hongjoong’s pants and tugged on the hem of his shirt. “Take it off.”

Hongjoong kept his eyes trained on Seonghwa as he obeyed, pulling his shirt up and over his head. Seonghwa took it from him and put it on top of their other clothes that were strewn off to the side.

When he looked back at Hongjoong, he was truly a sight to be seen. Flustered face, hair hanging in his eyes as he looked down at Seonghwa, lean torso and chest. He tried to quell his nervous feelings by distracting himself by how _good_ Hongjoong looked.

“You locked the door, right?” Seonghwa suddenly remembered.

Hongjoong quirked a smile. “Yeah. Could be bad if I didn’t.”

“Yeah…” he replied shakily. His nervous feelings were emerging anyways, despite how really, really good Hongjoong looked.

“Hey.” Hongjoong leaned forward and ran his hand affectionately through Seonghwa’s hair. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. If we stop now, I’m perfectly fine with that.”

Seonghwa shook his head with determination. “No, I want to do this. I’m okay.” Then, though, he sheepishly looked down. “Just…I may not be very good.”

Hongjoong’s thumb stroked Seonghwa’s temple. “Sh, I don’t care. I think you forget that I’m just as inexperienced as you.”

He softly smiled and looked back up at Hongjoong. Leaning forward, he puckered his lips a bit and Hongjoong took the hint, giving him a quick peck to the lips.

Okay, okay, he could do this. He’d seen porn now. He knew what to do. It was just that he was scared to do it. But, was it a good kind of scared? It was the type of fear Seonghwa sometimes experienced before going out on stage. Scared not because he didn’t want to go out, but scared because he was scared of the crowd, scared of messing up, scared of letting himself down. And right then, he was scared of Hongjoong’s gaze – Hongjoong’s intense, unwavering gaze. But Seonghwa couldn’t blame him. Seonghwa never wanted to look away from Hongjoong either.

Hongjoong dropped his hand and leaned back against the chair and Seonghwa took it as his open invitation. Seonghwa teased his hands up along Hongjoong’s thighs, still too nervous and shy to make eye contact. Quickly, he reached Hongjoong’s waistband. His hand had already been in there. It wasn’t like it wasn’t anything new. And yet it felt so new.

Seonghwa willed himself to dip his hand back underneath the two layers of fabric and once again grab ahold of Hongjoong’s cock. It had softened just a tad, but with a quick few tugs on it, it was was easily remedied. Though, it was painfully dry. Which led to only one thing left to do.

He heard Hongjoong’s breath quicken as Seonghwa pulled Hongjoong’s pants down enough so his cock could spring free. And it wasn’t so scary. It was a normal dick. Just like Seonghwa’s. Except it was Hongjoong’s. Which meant it was automatically amazing. It wasn’t too terribly big, but it was tinged red and leaking at the tip with a pronounced vein running down the length of it.

Seonghwa was so hypnotized by it that he didn’t even give much thought before he grabbed the base, pressed his tongue against the side, and wrapped his lips around it.

Hongjoong muttered a few curses and Seonghwa figured that meant he was doing something right, making him smirk inwardly. Hongjoong’s dick tasted like…well, skin. But there was something Seonghwa really liked as he started exploring slowly bobbing his head up and down and licking to the tip. His pre-cum was warm and wet and a bit salty and Seonghwa oddly enjoyed the sticky slickness it added to his tongue. His saliva was starting to run down Hongjoong’s cock, coating Seonghwa’s fingers and making it easier for Seonghwa to twist his hand around the base. He didn’t want to put Hongjoong’s whole length his mouth and risk the chance of embarrassingly choking on it or something, so he tried to compensate by keeping his hand at the base and alternating between twisting his wrist and moving his hand up and down.

It was when Seonghwa hollowed his cheeks (mostly to prevent his teeth from scraping Hongjoong), that Seonghwa felt Hongjoong’s hand twitch up into Seonghwa’s hair, before quickly disappearing again.

Seonghwa remembered that was common in porn. For the other person to grab onto the person’s hair. So he popped his lips wetly off of Hongjoong’s cock, opened his eyes, and looked up at Hongjoong.

As he was catching his breath, he noticed how Hongjoong had been sitting. His head tilted up at the ceiling and his arm strewn across his face. Because Seonghwa stopped, Hongjoong peaked out from underneath his arm before removing it entirely.

Seonghwa’s hand stilled on Hongjoong’s cock. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Hongjoong nodded, his cheeks flushed red.

“Am I doing okay?”

Hongjoong crossed his eyes and shook his head a bit in disbelief. “Fuck, ‘Hwa, what the actual fuck. Yes, yes you’re doing okay.”

Proud of himself, Seonghwa sat up a bit higher on his knees. “Yeah?” He took Hongjoong’s hand and placed it on top of his own head. “I want this now.”

“This, what?”

“Tug on it.”

His jaw clenched. “‘Hwa…”

“I want you to pull on it. Pleaseee?” he whined, manually patting himself on the head with Hongjoong’s hand. 

Hongjoong sighed, but easily gave in, taking control of his own hand and burying his fingers in Seonghwa’s hair. “If I hurt you - ”

“I’m not delicate,” he interrupted him before swiftly putting his mouth back on Hongjoong’s shiny, wet cock before Hongjoong could say anything else.

Hongjoong’s legs tensed in surprise and his fingers clenched Seonghwa’s hair before quickly loosening their grip. A part of Seonghwa wanted Hongjoong to tug harshly on his hair. But, he figured Hongjoong was trying to be gentle. Later he’d have to reiterate once again to him that it was perfectly okay to be rougher with him. Seonghwa would actually prefer it.

In the meantime, though, he was on a mission: attempt to deep throat Hongjoong. Seonghwa was starting to grow more comfortable with its length as he steadily bobbed his head from the start of his hand up to the tip. Whenever he started running out of breath, he’d pause, let his hand take over, and occasionally give the side of Hongjoong’s cock long, hot licks with his tongue. Since he was doing so well (based on Hongjoong’s muttered curses), he figured he could try deepthroating.

Seonghwa moved his hand out of the way and slid his mouth down to the base, and when he did, Hongjoong jumped. Seonghwa’s eyes watered when his cock hit the back of his throat. 

“Holy sh – ” Hongjoong cursed and shoved at Seonghwa’s shoulders, but Seonghwa stubbornly refused to move.

He tried to breathe through his nose so he could adequately suck Hongjoong’s cock from tip to base.

“‘Hwa, ‘Hwa, ah,” he still weakly shoved at Seonghwa. “If you – gah, I’m gonna, I don’t want to – ”

Seonghwa figured Hongjoong was acting this way because he was about to cum and was afraid of cumming in Seonghwa’s mouth. But Seonghwa wasn’t afraid. That’s how they did it in porn. And sure, it was sort-of gross. But it was Hongjoong, and Seonghwa would do anything for him.

He knew Hongjoong was probably holding on, trying his best not to cum. So, Seonghwa hollowed his cheeks harsher, sucked harder, even brought his hand back to the base and returned to carefully twisting his wrist.

It didn’t take long from there. Hongjoong grabbed tightly on Seonghwa’s hair. “‘Hwa, I’m - I’m about to. I’m – ” He tried to shove Seonghwa away by his grip on his hair, but Seonghwa grabbed ahold of Hongjoong’s hips, not wanting to budge.

Hongjoong gave one last feeble attempt to shove Seonghwa way before his hips started to spasm and Seonghwa could taste Hongjoong’s spend in his mouth. It definitely wasn’t pleasant. Seonghwa paused to concentrate on swallowing it all. It was salty, warm, and a bit sour. He worried that he would start to choke on it. Though, it didn’t last long and he saved himself from the embarrassment of gagging on it. He even resumed his movements afterwards, sucking on Hongjoong’s rapidly softening cock.

Hongjoong must’ve been overly sensitive, as his body started to shake and he giggled at the back of his throat. “O-okay, ‘Hwa, ah, I’m done.”

Seonghwa pulled off of Hongjoong, wiping away all the spit that had run down his chin.

It was then that he got his first good look at Hongjoong. And he looked completely frazzled as he shoved his dick back in his pants.

“Did I do okay?” Seonghwa asked softly.

Hongjoong’s eyes shot up to meet his. “Yes, fuck,” he breathed, his eyes wide. “Yes you did okay. Shit. Come here.” He had finished adjusting his pants and stood up from the chair, bringing Seonghwa with him.

When he leaned up to kiss Seonghwa, Seonghwa whined and leaned away. “No, don’t. I need to brush my teeth.”

Hongjoong gave him an intense look. “Yeah, I don’t give a fuck about that.” He kissed Seonghwa anyways. Even going as far as to shove his tongue deep into Seonghwa’s mouth.

Seonghwa didn’t think he would ever be able to catch his breath again.

Hongjoong began to walk them backwards towards the bunk, Seonghwa dutifully obeying as Hongjoong laid him back on the bed and then got on top of him, all while still kissing. Hongjoong’s hand ran downwards until it stopped at Seonghwa’s dick that was pressing uncomfortably hard against his jeans. Seonghwa gasped against Hongjoong’s mouth.

Hongjoong pulled his face away to smirk down at him. “It’s your turn.”

“No, you don’t have to,” he replied politely.

“Yeah, and you didn’t have to suck me off either. Nor did you have to fucking swallow, _shit_ , you know you don’t have to do that, though, right?”

Seonghwa hadn’t ever heard Hongjoong curse that much. “Yeah but I wanted to.”

Hongjoong’s face slackened. “Fuck, that’s hot,” he swore again before turning his attention down to Seonghwa’s neck.

It’s like every nerve in Seonghwa’s body was alight as Hongjoong sucked gently on his neck and his hand palmed Seonghwa through his jeans. Seonghwa’s hands didn’t quite know what to do, though. One spasmed next to him, clenching and unclenching the sheets, while the other refused to move from Hongjoong’s bare back.

Anticipation shot through Seonghwa when he felt Hongjoong start tugging on the waistband of jeans. “Take these off,” Hongjoong mumbled. He moved off of him so Seonghwa could have the room to struggle with getting his tight jeans off. Seonghwa was about to lay back down when Hongjoong stopped him with a hand on his waist. “Those too.” Hongjoong’s eyes cut down to Seonghwa’s underwear.

But that would mean…that would mean Seonghwa would be naked. Like actually naked. With no clothes on at all. And Hongjoong was still wearing his sweatpants. Seonghwa tensed, hesitating.

“It’s okay,” Hongjoong murmured, pressing gentle kisses across Seonghwa’s face.

But the lights weren’t even off. Hongjoong would be able to see _everything_. Though, Seonghwa supposed that Hongjoong would eventually see everything anyways. Plus, they were in bed. It wasn’t like his whole entire body was on display.

Hongjoong leaned back, studying his face. “Hey, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Seonghwa shook his head and swiftly took his underwear off, throwing them to the side. He figured it would be fine. Until he looked back at Hongjoong to find the man staring at him, mouth slacken and speechless.

Seonghwa cringed. “Well don’t just _stare_.” He guided Hongjoong back on top of him, breaking Hongjoong’s gaze.

“I’m sorry, I just – ” Hongjoong looked down at him. “You look so good. I don’t…I don’t even think I want to touch you. I’m afraid I’ll ruin you.”

He blushed. “Oh, whatever.”

Hongjoong caught Seonghwa’s lips in a passionate kiss.

Things moved steadily from there. Hongjoong kissing his way down Seonghwa’s face, neck, torso. Hongjoong’s hand gently stroking his cock, earning gasps from Seonghwa.

It was when Hongjoong’s mouth wrapped around his cock that Seonghwa truly thought that he was going to lose it. It was better than anything he had ever experienced. It was wet, warm, tight. He didn’t understand how Hongjoong had lasted so long. He thought he was about thirty seconds away from cumming. Especially since Hongjoong wasted no time in accelerating his speed, fervently sucking and bobbing his head.

Both of Seonghwa’s hands were gripping the sheets now and he turned his head, buried in the pillow. “Joong-ah,” he gasped. “I’m not going to last very long.”

Hongjoong pulled off of his dick with a thick, wet sound. “That’s okay.” Seonghwa couldn’t see his face, since his eyes were squeezed shut, but it sounded like he was smiling.

Hongjoong gently stroked his fingers across Seonghwa’s thighs and he pressed a small kiss on his waist. “Seonghwa-yah, I’m going to ask you something, and you can say no, okay?”

At the serious tone in Hongjoong’s voice, Seonghwa pulled his head out of the pillow and looked down at him. His lips were shiny, and he looked hungrily up at Seonghwa. “Okay,” Seonghwa squeaked.

Hongjoong hesitated for a moment. Enough time for Seonghwa to grow nervous. Had Seonghwa done something wrong? Was Hongjoong regretting something? “Can I…can I finger you?” he stuttered out, putting an end to the mystery.

His words struck a chord with Seonghwa, his body becoming even more wired, a drip of pre-come oozing out of his tip. How did Hongjoong know? How did he know that Seonghwa would want that? He hadn’t even realized he had wanted it. But he did. He’d gotten used to fingering himself when he masterbated (the very few times when he had time to, that was). Though, that was his own fingers doing that. Not Hongjoong’s. And of course, Seonghwa immediately fretted.

“But it might be gross,” Seonghwa said.

Hongjoong gave a small smile and shook his head. “I don’t care.”

“Are you sure?” he asked warily.

“I’m sure,” he nodded. “I’ll go slow, of course.”

“Okay.”

Hongjoong looked at him fondly before he peppered kisses along Seonghwa’s thighs. When he started nudging his legs further apart, Seonghwa tensed up and covered his face with his arm.

“Shhh, it’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you,” Hongjoong said.

“I know…I trust you,” his voice quivered. And then he added with embarrassment: “Plus, um…I’ve uh, I’ve sort-of been doing it to myself recently. So.”

Hongjoong paused. “You have?”

Seonghwa’s face felt hot underneath his arm. “Um, yeah, kinda.”

He quickly climbed back up Seonghwa’s body before he was pulling Seonghwa’s arm away from his face.

“Whattt?” Seonghwa whined, not really wanting to meet Hongjoong’s eyes when he was feeling that exposed and embarrassed and nervous.

“You’re – ” Hongjoong’s eyes crossed a bit and then he was crazily kissing him, practically sucking all the air out of him.

Seonghwa was a bit dazed at first, and just when his mind finally caught up to speed and he started kissing Hongjoong back, Hongjoong pulled away and stuck his own first two fingers in his mouth, sucking on them. Once again, before Seonghwa could react, Hongjoong’s lips were back on his.

Seonghwa jumped when he felt Hongjoong’s hand brushing over his inner thigh, dangerously close to his ass. “Relax, relax,” Hongjoong muttered against his mouth.

Their kiss became sloppy as they both focused on two very different things: Hongjoong fumbling for Seonghwa’s entrance and Seonghwa trying his best not to tense up.

Seonghwa gasped short but deep as Hongjoong’s index finger found his entrance and started pressing in. He could feel himself tensing up even though he was trying so hard not to.

Hongjoong pulled his head back and said, “Relax, ‘Hwa. I’m trying not to hurt you.”

He kept his eyes firmly squeezed shut. “S-sorry. It’s different when someone else is doing it.”

“Hey, look at me.”

He shook his head.

“Look at me.”

He relented, slowly opening his eyes.

Hongjoong looked down at him with a soft face and lifted eyebrows. “Trust me, okay? It’s just me.”

Like magic, as Seonghwa looked deep into Hongjoong’s dark brown eyes, as he looked upon Hongjoong’s familiar, safe face, Seonghwa felt his body soften a bit.

Hongjoong took the opportunity to press the rest of his finger inside of him.

His breath hitched and his eyes widened.

Hongjoong’s eyes didn’t leave his as Hongjoong carefully studied him, making sure Seonghwa was truly okay. And he was. It didn’t hurt. It did feel kind-of weird. But, only because it was Hongjoong’s finger that was in his ass. Who would’ve thought they ever would’ve gotten to this point?

Seonghwa was fully intent on continuing to hold Hongjoong’s gaze, until Hongjoong curled his finger inside of him and he felt the strangest sensation. His eyes squeezed back shut and he had to bite his lip to refrain from making any sort of sexual noise that the other boys might have been able to hear. It felt _good_ …like an itch that was finally being scratched. Or, an itch finally being scratched that he hadn’t even known he’d had? Seonghwa had fingered himself before. How had he not known that that was what it could feel like?

He could practically _hear_ Hongjoong smirk before he moved back down to re-take Seonghwa’s cock in his mouth, his finger still curled within him. It was too much. Way, way, way too much. Seonghwa quickly grabbed a pillow and pressed it on top of his face. Hongjoong’s mouth was so wet, and his finger kept quirking and curling and pressing inside of him.

In his head, he really couldn’t think about much. It was like, finally, his mind was grounded into that single moment. He had no worries, no stresses, no anxieties. It was just Hongjoong. Hongjoong Hongjoong Hongjoong Hongjoong. And of course, a string of expletives. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. And also of course, his quickly impending orgasm. Which would be soon. Soon soon soon soon. But it felt so good. Good good good good. He didn’t want it to end.

He needed to warn Hongjoong it would all be over soon. But he was afraid to speak. Everything happening in his head would spill out. And it was a mess of:

Hongjoong so fucking good Fuck ohmygod I’m gonna Yeah Please Hongjoong Hongjoong-ah Joong-ah I love you So fucking good I’m gonna Please Please Ah Please

He awkwardly swatted his hand downwards, hoping that would be enough signal to Hongjoong that he was about to cum. Only, Hongjoong swatted his hand away and instead put a second finger inside of Seonghwa as he simultaneously deep-throated his cock.

Seonghwa came so hard that his mind went completely blank. He really didn’t know what had happened. If he had managed to keep his mouth shut underneath the pillow or not. He had no clue. It was like he had been running, running, running up a cliff and then there was this silent pause and then he had jumped off. Only instead of falling right away, he was floating. He was floating in the air with nothing underneath him and just pure freedom. Almost like he was flying.

Was that what true peace felt like?

He did eventually fall, though. He fell back to Earth and felt Hongjoong still sucking him through his orgasm, both of his fingers still curled inside of him. He also felt how sweaty, hot, and flustered he was. He threw the pillow to the side and gasped, “Joong-ah.”

Immediately, Hongjoong came to him. His fingers slipped out of Seonghwa, leaving him throbbing a bit. But Hongjoong distracted Seonghwa by fluttering kisses across his cheeks, eyes, and mouth.

“Hongjoong-ah.”

Hongjoong kissed him before smiling down at him.

“I love you,” Seonghwa murmured, still a bit dazed.

“You’re not supposed to say it after sex,” he teased.

“I don’t care,” he said desperately. “I love you.”

Hongjoong swallowed thickly and his gaze grew more serious. “I’m not as good as saying it…but you know. Right? You know.” 

Seonghwa nodded. “Yes, I know.”

“Good,” he smiled before nuzzling their foreheads together.

*

Seonghwa was happy that this year he didn’t have to stress over what he was getting Hongjoong for his birthday. Because what he was getting Hongjoong was simple.

Sex.

Of course, he still wanted to get Hongjoong something more _tangible_ , so he helped San pay for a nice sweater that he had picked out for Hongjoong.

Seonghwa and Hongjoong had had a good past several weeks. Busy, of course, like always. They filmed a reality show, celebrated Jongho’s birthday, had their second anniversary concert, and Seonghwa had been casted in a drama along with Yunho, San, and Jongho. Seonghwa and Hongjoong hadn’t really been fighting as much as they used to either. Wooyoung said that they were in the “honeymoon phase.” But he always warned Seonghwa that it was “definitely temporary” and told him to “beware.” So…Seonghwa had that to look forward to…

Seonghwa had found himself going to Wooyoung for advice a lot lately. (Fellow gay-bottoms were hard to find. He would take any advice he could get. Even if it was coming from Wooyoung of all people.) But he had to be grateful for Wooyoung. He was the one that hooked Seonghwa up with some condoms and lube in preparation for his birthday gift to Hongjoong. Seonghwa had made Wooyoung promise that he wouldn’t tell a single soul about any of their conversations, for his pride’s sake.

Hongjoong slept in on his birthday, so before Seonghwa left for the company with San, the two of them very quietly left his birthday sweater in the corner of their room - on top of a pile of Hongjoong’s dirty laundry because Seonghwa and San decided that it would be funniest.

Sure enough, Hongjoong texted Seonghwa back after he woke up:

[ **HONGJOONG** : That is a very lovely sweater, tell Sanie I said thank you. But I thought since it was my birthday you would be taking care of the laundry???]

And Seonghwa texted back after he got out of his English lesson:

[ **SEONGHWA** : I have other plans. Much better than being your laundry maid.

 **HONGJOONG** : Oh? The sweater wasn’t my only gift?

 **SEONGHWA** : I’m disappointed that you would think so lowly of me. Of course that wasn’t your only gift.

 **HONGJOONG** : Hmmmm. Instead of doing my laundry are you going to tidy up my desk?

 **SEONGHWA** : You wish

 **HONGJOONG** : No YOU wish

 **SEONGHWA** : You’re right. But no. It doesn’t have anything to do with chores.

 **HONGJOONG** : Damn, but that’s all you’re good at…

 **SEONGHWA** : -_- You better not mess with me if you want your present

 **HONGJOONG** : It must be expensive then…It better not be expensive

 **SEONGHWA** : Actually, it’s free ;)

 **HONGJOONG** : ? :o … ]

After Hongjoong finished his birthday Vlive, they all had dinner at the company with some of their managers and staff. Like always, it was a bit aggravating that Seonghwa couldn’t speak or touch Hongjoong like how he wanted to. But then came their game. Riding the fine line of what was and wasn’t appropriate to do with other people around.

At one point, Seonghwa’s phone buzzed and he looked down to see another text from Hongjoong.

[ **HONGJOONG** : I hope you know that you look good today]

When he looked back up, he saw Hongjoong a few seats down from him trying his very best to evenly distribute his line of sight to the other members, the staff, and Seonghwa. Of course, he was desperately failing, his eyes roaming back to Seonghwa more often than they should have been.

Obviously, Seonghwa had to take the opportunity to fuck with him. He nonchalantly took out his necklace that was buried underneath his shirt, fiddling with it for a few moments, before popping the necklace’s charm into his mouth.

Only it wasn’t just any necklace. It was the one Seonghwa had given Hongjoong for Christmas. The yellow and green butterfly.

Seonghwa watched Hongjoong very carefully as his eyes lingered on Seonghwa’s, his lips curling into a smirk.

Someone started talking to Hongjoong, pulling his attention away.

But a few minutes later:

[ **HONGJOONG** : You’re evil.

 **SEONGHWA** : >:) ]

Wooyoung must’ve noticed something from where he was sitting because he also decided to text Seonghwa.

[ **WOOYOUNG** : Remember, lube is your BFF

 **SEONGHWA** : stop

 **WOOYOUNG** : Us pillow princesses have to stick together

 **SEONGHWA** : I said stop

 **SEONGHWA** : wait

 **SEONGHWA** : pillow princess??

 **WOOYOUNG** : I will tell you some other time, Hyung]

Seonghwa scowled at Wooyoung as he gave him a shit-eating grin.

Did Seonghwa like that Wooyoung (and probably by extent San, and maybe even Yeosang and Yunho) knew about Seonghwa’s plans for the night? No, he didn’t. Not that that was gonna stop him or anything. Hongjoong was wearing a short-sleeve black shirt. Nothing was going to stop him.

Which was why as soon as Hongjoong and Seonghwa got to the solace of their room, Seonghwa was pressing desperate kisses to Hongjoong’s mouth.

“Shit, let me at least let me close the door,” Hongjoong muttered against his lips. He fumbled to close and lock the door as Seonghwa continued to kiss him, unbothered.

Seonghwa threw Hongjoong’s hat off of his head so he could run his hands frantically through his soft hair.

“Woah woah woah,” Hongjoong chuckled, pushing him back gently. Somehow Seonghwa had pinned him against the door. “What’s gotten into you? Maybe I wanted to keep that hat on,” he joked.

He innocently pouted. “I’m just trying to wish you a happy birthday.”

“Seems more like you’re trying to give me a heart attack. Speaking of which, where’s this present you got me that’s supposedly free?”

Heat instantly burned in Seonghwa’s face as he flushed and briefly looked down. “Oh, um, yeah. That. Well, so…I kinda wanted to, if you’d want to of course, that is,” he nervously rambled. “I kinda – I kinda wanted to sleep with you.”

Hongjoong put his hands in his pockets. “We sleep together every night.”

“You know what I mean,” he gave him an exasperated look.

He quirked his mouth and jiggled his knees a bit. “We’ve already been having sex though, technically.”

And they had. It was a really great stress reliever, getting to come back home to the dorm after a long day and get your dick sucked. But that wasn’t the type of sex Seonghwa was talking about, and Hongjoong knew that. “It’s your birthday, so we don’t have to if you don’t want to. But I want to,” he said small.

“Want to what?”

“Have sex, Joong-ah.”

“In what way?”

Seonghwa didn’t understand why Hongjoong was making it so difficult. It was as if he was pretending to be clueless. “You _know_ what way,” he replied.

Hongjoong held his ground, tilting his chin up. “I want you to say it. I want to make sure we’re on the same page.” 

“I don’t want to say it.” He cringed. “It’s…vulgar.”

“Vulgar? ‘Hwa, if you can’t even say it then it’s a bad idea for us to - ”

“Oh my fucking god, I want to have sex with you! I want you to fuck me!” he snapped loudly, with an equally as loud sigh. “Are you happy?”

Hongjoong grew quiet, his eyes wide, before bursting out into laughter.

“What? What’s so funny?” Seonghwa asked, irritated.

“I think everyone in Seoul just heard you scream that,” he cackled.

The sound of Hongjoong’s laughter slowly evaporated Seonghwa’s irritation. He could feel the corners of his mouth involuntarily turn up into a smile. “You know, just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you can’t piss me off.”

“You’re kinda hot when you’re mad, though,” Hongjoong said. 

He teasingly stuck his tongue out at him and sat down on their bunk. Hongjoong picked up his hat off the floor and put it in the cabinet Seonghwa had built for him all those months ago, making Seonghwa smile inwardly at watching Hongjoong tidy up after himself.

“Are you serious though? About it?” Hongjoong asked after he closed the cabinet.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

Hongjoong sat down beside him. “Because it’s…a lot. You know, we’ll need – ”

“If you’re talking about lube and condoms,” Seonghwa interrupted him, “I have that stuff.”

Shocked, he blinked furiously and stuttered out: “O-okay. Wow.”

“Like I said before, I want to, if you want to.”

“And you want me, to, um, you really want me to…?”

Seonghwa nodded.

He thought for a moment before saying: “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t hurt me.”

“‘Hwa,” Hongjoong tilted his head at him. “It’s going to hurt.”

He shrugged it off. “I already talked to Woo about it all. I’m good to go.”

A choked laugh came from Hongjoong. “Oh my god. Please tell me you didn’t.”

“What! It was either ask him or google it.”

“So… _Woosan_ now knows about your plan for tonight? About your _free_ present for me?” Hongjoong asked with raised eyebrows.

Seonghwa grimaced. “Well…” his voice trailed off.

“Sh! Don’t say another word!” he held up his hand. “Our security has been breached.”

Seonghwa watched in amusement as Hongjoong grabbed his laptop, turned on a random drama on Netflix, and cranked up the volume.

“Now we can speak freely,” Hongjoong said as he set his laptop on his desk.

“We’re going to Netflix and Chill?” he joked.

“Woah, wait a sec! I haven’t even agreed on anything yet!”

Seonghwa whined low. “Joong-ah, please.”

“It’s my birthday, you know,” he smirked. “I can’t believe you’re trying to boss me around on my own birthday.”

Seonghwa’s face fell. “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you or anything. What do you want to do, then?”

Hongjoong took off his jacket and scarf and tossed them to the side. He looked over to Seonghwa with an intense gaze. “I want to have sex with you.”

His brain quit computing, either from what Hongjoong had just said or from the fact that he was wearing just his undershirt now. Or from a combination of both, he supposed. “You – you do?”

“Wooyoung didn’t teach you about playing hard to get?” he wryly smiled.

He had. It was a concept Seonghwa had obviously never managed to grasp. “Hongjoong-ahhh,” he frowned.

“You really thought I wouldn’t want to have sex with you?”

Seonghwa meekly mumbled: “I – I didn’t know.”

Hongjoong didn’t reply. Only held up his hand and quirked his finger at Seonghwa. Oh, Hongjoong knew that he had Seonghwa whipped. And Seonghwa thought it was the hottest thing ever.

He obeyed, moving towards Hongjoong and straddling his hips.

Hongjoong tilted his chin up to look at Seonghwa, his hands coming to rest on Seonghwa’s hips. “We stop at any time, okay? For whatever reason. It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, okay,” Seonghwa agreed.

Seonghwa let his eyes linger and roam across Hongjoong’s face before he was leaning down to kiss him. Hongjoong had chewed some gum after dinner and Seonghwa could still taste the spearmint on his tongue. Of course, tasting the gum reminded of what Hongjoong had looked like chewing it. His strong jawline…Did he have a gum kink too?

Seonghwa ground down on Hongjoong and Hongjoong’s hand slipped underneath Seonghwa’s shirt so he could grip him tighter. Chills went down Seonghwa’s spine.

Nope, it was probably just a Hongjoong kink.

Seonghwa broke away to ask: “Can I turn off the lights?”

“You don’t want to see me?” he murmured.

“I want to see your stars.”

Hongjoong kissed at Seonghwa’s neck before he helped Seonghwa climb off of him so he could go turn off the lights and turn on the star projector. And, he stopped on the way back to the bunk to change the drama on Hongjoong’s laptop to instead: _Night on Earth_.

“What was wrong with the drama?” Hongjoong chuckled.

“Listening to people yell at each other isn’t very romantic.” Seonghwa climbed back on top of him.

“Oh, and listening to birds squawk _is_ romantic?”

“Shush,” he said before kissing Hongjoong again.

They kissed for a few moments, tongue and all, until Hongjoong began pulling on Seonghwa’s hips. Seonghwa took the hint and pushed them back, so that Hongjoong was laying down and Seonghwa was sprawled on top of him.

Hongjoong quickly moved his mouth to Seonghwa’s neck before Seonghwa even had time to process anything. It was hard for him to think straight when Hongjoong was sucking on his neck, grinding up on his dick, and running his hands underneath his shirt and across his bare ribs.

Hongjoong kissed up to his jawline. “Take off your shirt,” Hongjoong muttered.

He helped Seonghwa pull his shirt over his head. When Seonghwa’s hands went back up to take off the butterfly necklace that was now bouncing around freely, Hongjoong stopped him. “Don’t. Keep it on.”

“Really?” he asked.

Hongjoong had them flipped over in an instant. “I like seeing it on you.” His hands went up to stroke at the chain around Seonghwa’s neck, then down to the silver cuff on his wrist.

“At least I wear the things you get me,” Seonghwa sniffed – a jab at how he hadn’t seen Hongjoong wear the ring he had gotten him for Christmas even once.

“You mean the ring, right?” Hongjoong inferred. “Because I wear the earrings. And obviously I can’t wear the necklace while you’re wearing it.”

Seonghwa opened his mouth to reply but Hongjoong continued: “Because, ‘Hwa, to me, that ring _is_ a couple ring. And you know, I really don’t want to wear it until you have one too.”

Wow. Hongjoong was just – He was so – He made Seonghwa feel like –

“Hongjoong-ah,” he murmured.

Hongjoong and Seonghwa kissed gentler this time. Slower. More carefully. When Hongjoong took off his shirt, Seonghwa ran his fingers across his chest at a slow speed, noticing every dip, every rib, every inch.

Since it was Hongjoong’s birthday after all, Seonghwa flipped them back over so he could take off Hongjoong’s jeans and get his cock in his mouth.

Seonghwa aggressively sucked, licked, and rubbed Hongjoong’s cock, thoroughly enjoying himself with the soft grunts Hongjoong was making, until Hongjoong gently pulled him off by his hair. “Sorry, I don’t wanna – I want to be able to have sex with you. If you still want to do that.”

Seonghwa wiped some of the spit on his chin away with his hand. “Yeah, I still want to.”

“Okay.” He gave him a small smile.

Seonghwa took off his pants and underwear before Hongjoong crawled back on top of him.

“So, um,” Hongjoong started awkwardly. “What advice did Wooyoung give you?”

“Oh. Well, he - uh - he just told me it’ll hurt less if I don’t freak out.”

Hongjoong softly laughed. “That’s gonna be hard for you.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what Wooyoung said too,” he chuckled along with him.

“But, ‘Hwa, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. Okay?”

“I know, I know. It’s okay, though. I can handle it.”

Hongjoong stared at him for a bit, hesitating. “…Remember when I said you have an expressive face?”

Seonghwa sighed. He was probably doing that half-smile, half-grimace thing he did whenever he was anxious or uncomfortable. Which, he wasn’t anxious or uncomfortable in a bad way. He wanted to have sex with Hongjoong. That was all he had been thinking about for weeks and weeks. It was just… “I’m just a bit nervous, that’s all,” he confessed aloud.

Hongjoong pressed a quick kiss on Seonghwa’s temple. “I’m nervous too.”

“I know. I know you very well too.” 

“You’re not scared though, right?”

“No,” his eyes widened. “Are you?”

Hongjoong answered quickly: “No. I was just making sure.”

“But it’s a good kind of nervous for you too, right? The good kind of nervousness. Like before a performance.”

He gave him a look of recognition. “Yeah, yeah, that’s a lot what it feels like. Like nervous that you might mess up? But you still want to do it anyways?”

Seonghwa nodded. “Exactly. Except, you aren’t going to mess up. You could never mess up. You’re Kim Hongjoong.”

“You have a lot of misplaced faith in me, I think,” Hongjoong gave a breathy laugh. “I’m as much of a virgin as you.”

“So let’s change that,” he shyly smiled.

Hongjoong’s jaw clenched as he looked Seonghwa over. “Yeah, let’s change that.”

It was at first a familiar road they were going down. Kissing, necking, Hongjoong’s hand around Seonghwa’s cock, Seonghwa’s hand around Hongjoong’s cock. Though, the road started to diverge when Seonghwa dug the lube Wooyoung had given him out from underneath the bunk and handed it to Hongjoong.

Seonghwa was more nervous than ever. But it was what he had been preparing for. The gathering of supplies, body grooming, body _cleansing_ …body _stretching_. It had been soothing for Seonghwa to put that much preparation into it. It was like, maybe if he prepped enough, it wouldn’t end up being so nerve-wracking.

He was wrong.

And poor Hongjoong looked terrified as he covered his fingers in the lube.

They needed a distraction. Something to remind them both of why they were doing what they were doing. That it didn’t need to be this scary.

“Kiss me,” Seonghwa said.

Hongjoong’s attention snapped away from the lube and back up to Seonghwa. Enraptured, he set the bottle aside and kissed Seonghwa desperately. Tongue going right in, sloppiness and all. And it reminded Seonghwa that it wasn’t scary. Because it was Hongjoong. Who still tasted like spearmint, even if Seonghwa was desperately trying to lick it away. Who still smelled like himself: clean cotton out of the dryer or fresh air on summer day.

Hongjoong didn’t give Seonghwa any verbal warning, but his motions made it clear. Seonghwa could feel him slowly moving his hand, adjusting the position, before his first finger was sliding so, so easy into Seonghwa.

They needed to use lube more often.

Only, Seonghwa was used to Hongjoong’s finger being warm from his saliva. Instead, his finger was cold from the lube, unintentionally making Seonghwa gasp and tense up.

“What’s wrong? Does it hurt?” Hongjoong paused his hand and pulled his face back.

“N-no,” he shivered. “Sorry, it’s just cold.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No, no. Really, it’s okay. It’s already fine. I was just surprised.”

Hongjoong sighed and relaxed a bit in relief. “Okay. Just let me know if – ”

“I know, I know. Just – can you keep kissing me?”

He nodded and swept Seonghwa’s lips up in his again.

Hongjoong’s finger slowly warmed as he carefully thrust his finger in and out of Seonghwa. And eventually he added a second finger, which Seonghwa also took easily. Hopefully his preparations had paid off.

At one point, Hongjoong scissored his fingers inside of Seonghwa and Seonghwa had to break away from Hongjoong’s lips to gasp and pant. Hongjoong continued on, moving his mouth back down to what always seemed to be his favorite place: Seonghwa’s neck.

It felt so good, but Seonghwa knew two fingers weren’t going to be enough to fully prime him for what was to come.

“Another one,” Seonghwa gasped.

“Really?” Hongjoong asked.

“Mhm.”

“Okay.”

Hongjoong sat up, with his two fingers still inside Seonghwa, and moved down Seonghwa’s body. Seonghwa’s cock was fully hard and leaking as Hongjoong put his mouth around it.

Seonghwa slapped his hand over his mouth to prevent any sounds from escaping. He didn’t know if _Night on Earth_ would fully protect the sound barrier. Of course, his hand started roughly squeezing his face when Hongjoong put a third finger in, after struggling a bit.

That additional finger…Seonghwa felt it. He felt the stretch. He felt a taste of what Hongjoong’s cock might just feel like. It definitely didn’t hurt. But he felt a pressure. He felt a soft burning, he felt his body trying to adjust.

Hongjoong took his mouth of off Seonghwa’s cock and replaced it with his free hand. “Are you okay?” he asked.

Without removing his hand from his mouth, Seonghwa whimpered a high “mhm” sound with his throat.

“Does it feel good?” Hongjoong curled his fingers and stroked Seonghwa’s cock.

Seonghwa made the sound again.

He heard Hongjoong give a proud little chuckle at that.

Hongjoong thrust his fingers, making Seonghwa try to remember Wooyoung’s words inside his head. _“It will feel like you are shitting at first, and you might be convinced that you actually did shit, but trust me, you did not and just ignore it.”_

Well, Wooyoung was right. And it was very hard to ignore it. Especially since everything was so _wet_ down there. But pleasure did eventually overtake that fear and replace it with another one: Seonghwa was about to cum if Hongjoong continued on. He thought he was pretty well stretched, no more burning or tightness. So Seonghwa finally took his hand off of his mouth to say: “Joong-ah – now. I want you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Please.”

Hongjoong released Seonghwa’s cock and retracted his fingers. It left Seonghwa feeling empty. So empty. He hadn’t ever wanted Hongjoong this bad. He was imagining what it was going to feel like with Hongjoong inside of him. Not the awkward feeling of fingers but the feeling of Hongjoong thick, warm cock inside of him.

He heard Hongjoong muttering where the condoms were and Seonghwa quickly sat up and exclaimed: “No condoms!”

He gave him a confused look. “I thought you said you had condoms?”

“I do.” He did. They were underneath the bunk where the lube had been. Wooyoung had given them to him and said that they were a “must.” Only…he didn’t want to feel a condom inside of him. He wanted to feel Hongjoong.

“Okay…Shouldn’t we use a condom then?” Hongjoong asked.

Hongjoong was always responsible. And normally, Seonghwa was too. Unless his emotions got involved. As they were now. And he really, really didn’t want his first time with Hongjoong clouded by the feeling of a condom. “I douched,” came spilling out of Seonghwa’s mouth, his attempt at justifying why not using a condom would be okay. Though, as soon as it came flying out of his mouth he felt his face burn in embarrassment. That was a secret he really hadn’t wanted to share.

And Hongjoong really obviously didn’t know how to respond to that. “Uhhhh. Wow. That’s…thank you?”

“You’re welcome.”

The absolute cringe. A condom was starting to look more appealing if it would get Seonghwa out of this conversation.

“Still though…isn’t wearing a condom the right thing to do?” Hongjoong asked.

“Yeah,” he acknowledged with a frown. “But I want to feel you. Not _that_.”

“I’m pretty sure they’re designed so you don’t feel them, though.”

He made a whining noise. “Joong-ahhh, it’s okay if you say no. I just…my vote is no condom. But you get the final say.”

“Well…ah, I mean…really, what guy actually wants to wear a condom?” Hongjoong joked.

“Really?” Seonghwa’s eyes lit up. “You’re sure?”

Hongjoong chuckled and nodded.

“We can always use the condoms for a day I didn’t douche.”

He crinkled his nose in disgust. “What’s that even like?”

Seonghwa blanched. “You don’t wanna know. It’ll be a huge turn off.”

“Well, I already went soft with all of this condom debate sooo.”

“Oh, I can fix that.” Seonghwa grabbed ahold of Hongjoong’s hand and pulled him on top of him, laying back on the back.

Seonghwa went to work quickly – kissing Hongjoong’s neck, grinding up on him, and eventually putting his hand on his cock, successfully getting his cock back to erect.

Hongjoong shucked off his underwear: the last clothing barrier between them. Their cocks accidentally rubbed together and the hair on Seonghwa’s arms stood up.

“You’re ready?” Hongjoong asked him.

“Yes.” He grabbed the bottle of lube and thrusted it into Hongjoong’s hands.

Hongjoong gave him a smirk as he lubed up his cock and fingers once again. Two of his fingers went back in Seonghwa once more, double checking that he was in fact ready. It was then that Hongjoong removed his fingers and sat up, gesturing for Seonghwa to get in his lap.

“What?” he asked, confused.

“This will be a much easier way to do it. Trust me.”

“How do you know?”

Hongjoong licked his lip and looked away. “I may have googled some stuff.”

“Kim Hongjoong! You didn’t!” he gasped, over-dramatically.

“Just get on my lap,” he aggressively growled, grabbing a firm hold of Seonghwa and tugging him.

Holy shit, Seonghwa wanted Hongjoong to fuck the holy shit out of him.

He straddled Hongjoong, their cocks pressed between them. Hongjoong pressed a searing kiss on Seonghwa’s lips, grabbing the back of Seonghwa’s hair before laying them back on the mattress – Seonghwa on top of Hongjoong. He tugged on Seonghwa’s hair, pulling their faces apart. “I’m going to take care of you, okay?” Hongjoong said.

“O-okay,” Seonghwa stammered.

Hongjoong moved his hands to Seonghwa’s hips, leading him to sit up. “‘Hwa, you have all the control now.”

He had all the control? He didn’t really want all of the control. He didn’t know what the hell he was doing. He had assumed Hongjoong was just going to stick it in. Now what? He had to think back to what they did in the porn videos.

Seonghwa grabbed Hongjoong’s cock, eliciting a hiss from Hongjoong, and lifted himself up off of him He looked down to try and see where the puzzle pieces needed to go. It was just two pieces. And yet it was so daunting.

Hongjoong’s hands didn’t leave Seonghwa’s hips, and in fact, he started helping Seonghwa by gently guiding his hips so he would be lined up with Hongjoong’s cock.

“Baby, relax,” Hongjoong cooed, massaging Seonghwa’s hips.

 _Baby_. He’d called him baby. His first pet name for Seonghwa. Pride swelled within him. He was Hongjoong’s _baby_. He was special. He was Hongjoong’s and no one else’s.

Seonghwa held Hongjoong’s cock steady as he slowly sank down. It was better than fingers only because fingers were sharp, while Hongjoong’s cock was smooth. However, it was big. Much bigger than fingers. And Seonghwa only got about maybe an inch down before he tensed so much he couldn’t go down any further. It was painful. Wooyoung had lied. It hurt. It burned. It felt like someone was stretching something that wasn’t meant to be stretched.

Seonghwa froze. He didn’t want to pull off and lose all the progress, but he didn’t want to go down any further. 

He desperately looked at Hongjoong, who was eyeing him carefully. “I don’t think I can do it,” Seonghwa whimpered.

“Shhh yes you can, you _can_.” He stroked his fingers up and down Seonghwa’s ribs soothingly. “You’re not delicate. You’re Park Seonghwa.”

Seonghwa grimaced, unsure.

“Just look at me. I’m right here. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

He kept his eyes trained on Hongjoong as Hongjoong gave him an encouraging smile. Seonghwa exhaled, his body relaxing as he slammed down on Hongjoong’s cock, taking the full length instantly.

Hongjoong made a choking sound and his hands went back to tightly grip Seonghwa’s hips.

Seonghwa didn’t look away from Hongjoong. Even when his body was on fire and everything in him screamed in discomfort. He could feel so much. How deep Hongjoong was within him. How his cock pressed and pressed against him. It was a feeling of being perfectly and completely full. More satisfying than any number of fingers, if you forgot the pain that went along with it.

Hongjoong’s eyes were squeezed shut, his head lolled back against the pillow.

“You’re supposed to be looking at me,” Seonghwa said softly.

Hongjoong only grunted. His fingers on Seonghwa’s hips twitched.

Seonghwa frowned, leaning forward until his chest was against Hongjoong’s. “Joong-ah.” He brought his face close to Hongjoong’s.

“Aren’t you in pain?” Hongjoong finally spoke, his voice strained.

“A little, but it’s going away,” he said truthfully. “You look like you’re in more pain than me.”

Hongjoong’s eyes were still tightly shut. “It’s not pain. It’s just…a lot. I don’t want to hurt you worse.”

“How could you hurt me worse?”

“‘Hwa, I want to… _move_.”

“Then move.”

Hongjoong didn’t reply, nor open his eyes, so Seonghwa sat back up and braced his hands on Hongjoong’s chest.

That action had Hongjoong’s eyes flying open to meet Seonghwa’s.

Seonghwa gave him a smirk as he slowly lifted his hips, feeling Hongjoong slide an inch or two out of him, before lowering himself once again.

Hongjoong swore low under his breath and his hips twitched upwards, sending the tip of his cock somehow even deeper.

“I’m not delicate,” Seonghwa said, before doing the same exact thing again. He was getting used to the feeling of Hongjoong inside of him, of the friction Hongjoong’s cock created as it slid in and out. The pain was all but gone and left in its place just the feeling of everything Seonghwa could have ever wanted.

Hongjoong’s eyes had closed again and Seonghwa whined, moving to grab Hongjoong’s chin. “Hongjoong-ah, look at me.”

He slowly opened his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Seonghwa asked.

Hongjoong paused before saying: “Can I please fuck you?”

Some pre-cum dribbled out of Seonghwa’s semi-hard cock onto Hongjoong’s abdomen. Mesmerized by it, Hongjoong wiped it up with his fingers before wrapping his hand around Seonghwa’s cock.

Meanwhile, Seonghwa was thrown off a bit by Hongjoong’s language, never having imagined he would ever say something as graphic as that. Once his mind seemed to have caught up, he breathed: “Oh my god yes.”

Roughly and quickly, Hongjoong thrust his hips upwards.

Seonghwa gasped loudly at the feeling. And he wanted more of it, so he lifted himself up more so Hongjoong had the room to thrust his hips quicker. His cock slid in and out, in and out. And in time with that, Hongjoong stroked Seonghwa’s cock, sending Seonghwa into a damn fucking tizzy. He didn’t know what felt better. Hongjoong’s cock or Hongjoong’s hand.

Oh, definitely Hongjoong’s cock. Especially after one particular thrust hit way, way up inside of Seonghwa, practically knocking the breath out of him. It was such a weird feeling. It felt sort of like a regular impending orgasm, but stronger. And with more pressure. More… _everything_.

Seonghwa had been so particular about Hongjoong keeping eye contact, yet Seonghwa’s eyes had fluttered shut at Hongjoong’s first thrust and had remained shut ever since. One of Seonghwa’s hands remained braced on Hongjoong’s chest while the other was clamped down over his own mouth.

His mind was feeling frantic, probably because his body didn’t know quite what to do. It had never experienced anything like this before. And it was almost too much. His mind raced and raced and raced. He knew his heart was beating fast. He could feel how quickly he was breathing against his hand. He was about to tell Hongjoong to stop. That he couldn’t take anymore. It was so much good, so much amazing, so much incredible, that it was almost on the verge of being painful. Could someone have too much of a good thing?

He was about to tell Hongjoong to stop. He needed to. He needed –

His orgasm hit him without any warning. Usually he felt it coming. Could see the edge of the cliff. But this time it was like he was thrown out of a plane. Violently. His body thrashed, he moaned loudly, and he collapsed on top of Hongjoong, practically sobbing into his hand.

Hongjoong’s hand left his cock and his hips ceased their thrusts. His clean hand reached up to pet the back of Seonghwa’s hair.

“I’m sorry, agh, I didn’t even – ” Seonghwa babbled, his hand coming away from his mouth so he could bury his head into Hongjoong’s neck. He could feel the sticky, cool mess between their bodies.

“Baby, it’s okay,” he murmured.

 _Baby_. It was Hongjoong’s birthday. And Seonghwa had cum before him. That wasn’t right at all.

Seonghwa’s body was still shaking from the aftermath of his intense orgasm. His brain a bit fuzzy. His heart pounding its way out of his chest. And yet, he ground his hips down on Hongjoong, shifting Hongjoong’s cock that was still inside him.

Hongjoong hissed and tugged on Seonghwa’s hair. “We can be done if you want. We don’t have to keep going.”

He pulled his head out of Hongjoong’s neck and gazed down at him. “But you said you’d fuck me.”

“And I did!” he laughed. “Was that not enough for you?”

Seonghwa shook his head and grabbed Hongjoong’s shoulders, turning them over so Hongjoong was on top. “Like this,” he said.

“Yeah?” Hongjoong’s eyes intense.

“Yes.”

Hongjoong shifted a bit, before hesitating. He looked like he was about to say something. But then he quickly kissed Seonghwa instead.

Seonghwa already liked this position much better. He was comfier on his back. He had Hongjoong everywhere above him at once. Instead of concentrating on doing anything, he could just concentrate on being there with Hongjoong. Of feeling every bit of everything.

Hongjoong started thrusting slow at first – shallow. Seonghwa’s body was still exhausted so his thrusts didn’t seem to have much effect on him.

Until Hongjoong started to speed up. It was quick, sharp thrusts. Deep, too. Seonghwa could actually hear it. He could hear Hongjoong fucking him. From the sound of the skin, the hurried pants of breath in the air. And that was when he really started to feel it. He had already been a bit sensitive, but there something deep within him, something even _more_ sensitive, that seemed to jump every time Hongjoong touched it.

Hongjoong had his face back in Seonghwa’s neck, sucking desperately on his neck. Meanwhile, Seonghwa was left biting his own lip, his hands too preoccupied with Hongjoong’s skin and hair to want to be touching his own skin.

It was one particular thrust. Deep, deep. That had Seonghwa’s body clenching around Hongjoong and Hongjoong biting down on Seonghwa’s neck.

“Ah, ah, Joong-ah, careful.” Seonghwa gripped the hair at the nape of Hongjoong’s neck and brought his face up towards Seonghwa’s.

Hongjoong only growled low and nuzzled his nose against Seonghwa’s cheek – bursts of hot air dancing across Seonghwa’s face. His hand replaced his lips on Seonghwa’s neck, Hongjoong’s fingers gently grasping at the necklace chain.

And then Hongjoong hit that same spot again. That part that was even more sensitive. That felt like pure… He didn’t even know how to describe it. It felt like…it felt like…

His eyes flew open and he saw stars.

That’s what it felt like.

The burning hot, bright light of a star.

Or maybe even a shooting star. With enormous speed and energy and force.

It felt…it felt…

“Hongjoong-ah,” he gasped. “Again.”

He hadn’t explained, but Hongjoong understood. Hongjoong knew what he was doing, apparently. Because he obeyed and hit that same spot again and again and again.

Seonghwa squeezed his eyes back shut and still saw stars burned into his vision. He knew he couldn’t cum again after just cumming not long ago, and yet he didn’t even care. Hongjoong was giving him the universe that he could _feel_.

He was starting to whimper louder and louder, so he had to forfeit one of his hands away from Hongjoong and slap it over his mouth. Only, Hongjoong quickly grabbed that hand and yanked it away from his mouth - instead intertwining their fingers together.

They were starting to become a sweaty mess, and Seonghwa had a quick fleeting thought of what the state the bedsheets were going to be after this.

Suddenly though, Hongjoong was pulling away from him, sitting up on his knees. The cold air hit Seonghwa’s bare sweaty and sticky torso and a shiver wracked through him.

Hongjoong grabbed Seonghwa’s knees and lifted his legs up a bit, using them as leverage for him to keep thrusting into Seonghwa at a steady speed.

It was at that point that Seonghwa’s mind became just a slew of unspoken curse words, and of course, the passing of thoughts of how fucking _sexy_ Hongjoong looked. His body flexed as he worked Seonghwa, his skin glistening, his face turned downward at where their bodies met. Hongjoong’s bangs kept getting in his face so he quickly attempted to slick back his hair.

This new position allowed for Hongjoong to be even _deeper_ inside of Seonghwa. How could this even be possible? Was there no end to Seonghwa? Everything was just more and more and more. With Hongjoong, everything felt like infinity – that it would last for forever.

But of course, Hongjoong couldn’t actually last forever. His thrusts started becoming more spastic and Seonghwa watched, captivated, as Hongjoong grit his teeth, muttered “shit,” and pulled his cock quickly out of Seonghwa, cumming on Seonghwa’s stomach.

Hongjoong froze, his cock still in hand. “Ah – fuck,” he breathed. “Sorry, I panicked.”

“Well, you know, I came on you, sooo. Payback I suppose,” Seonghwa joked.

He let out a nervous chuckle along with a grimace. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Seonghwa held out his hands. “Come here.”

Hongjoong scrunched up his nose. “But we’re dirty.”

“I don’t care. Come here.”

Hongjoong awkwardly and delicately moved next to Seonghwa so they were laying side by side. Hongjoong was careful not to touch him too much, but Seonghwa pulled Hongjoong closer to him anyways, so he was tucked into his side.

“Since when don’t you care about being dirty?” Hongjoong murmured.

He rested his head on top of Hongjoong’s. “Since cuddling takes precedence.” 

“At least let me get you a tissue.” Hongjoong moved to get up, but Seonghwa forced him back down.

“No. Don’t. Don’t leave,” he said hurriedly. 

“I’m just getting you a tissue, baby.”

Calmness swept over him. “I like it when you call me that.”

“Oh, that? Aghhh,” Hongjoong scoffed. “Pet names are cheesy.”

“I don’t think so.”

“I know you don’t think so, but I think so.”

“So why do you call me that then?”

“Because you’re Seonghwa, that’s why.”

Seonghwa contently hummed, but then sudden emotion had his throat feeling tight, his eyes burning. “I don’t ever want to leave.”

“Leave where?”

“Here. With you. It’s so…I’m _happy_.”

Hongjoong turned his head to look Seonghwa in the eye. “I’m happy too.”

He reached out and ran his fingers across Hongjoong’s face, tracing up from his jaw to his brow. “You’re so handsome,” he murmured.

Hongjoong’s mouth twitched into a smile and he pressed a quick kiss against Seonghwa’s cheek. “Was it okay for you?”

“Mhm.” Seonghwa ran his fingers across Hongjoong’s lips. “I think I might be sore, though.”

A flash of concern crossed his face. “Oh, really? I didn’t mean to be rough, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not sorry,” he smirked.

Hongjoong gave a quick laugh at that. “‘Hwa, would you ever want to switch?”

“Switch?”

“Like, you know…roles?”

“Oh.” Seonghwa thought back to how he had felt when he had cum on top of Hongjoong, and then to when he could’ve sworn he saw stars when Hongjoong had been on top of him. “I don’t know. I think I liked how things were this time.”

“You think, or you know?” he raised his eyebrows.

Seonghwa’s fingers went up to brush at Hongjoong’s eyebrow. “Oh please, you were there. _You_ know good and well.”

He grinned. “I just wanted to make sure.”

His attention went down to Hongjoong’s pretty teeth. “How about you?...Would you want to switch?”

“Nah, I’m trying to get abs. I think sex is the kind of workout I’ve been needing all along.”

Seonghwa giggled and kissed the face that his fingers had just explored.

*

“I don’t think I ever told you about that day. The day when we became friends.”

They had since cleaned themselves up and put their underwear back on. They were laying on their sides facing each other – their arms and legs intertwined.

“The day we became friends?” Seonghwa asked him.

Hongjoong nodded. “Remember? You had just come out of the shower, and I was in this bunk, and you said that I thought I hated you. Which couldn’t have been any further from the truth.”

“Yeah…I remember that. And I didn’t hate you either. I guess we just didn’t know how to talk to each other.” 

“We still don’t really know how to talk to each other,” he laughed.

Seonghwa smiled. “I think we’re getting better.”

Hongjoong reached out to brush some of Seonghwa’s hair out of his eyes. “Hopefully. But no, I never told you why I was back in the dorm that day. Cause, if you remember, I had been sleeping in the practice room.”

Seonghwa thought back to that moment. It was almost three years ago. “That’s right, you had been doing that.”

“Well…that day, I had played one of my demos to Eden-hyung and he really…he really tore it apart,” he winced as he told the story. “But it worked out though, because everything he had said had been true, and I came back with a bigger, better version for him. Which he loved.”

“Oh…Well, that’s good,” Seonghwa said for the lack of anything better to say.

“Yeah…I didn’t see it as good at the time. I was pretty upset. Kind of…broken, in a way? I thought that I was never gonna be good enough, and I was thinking you know: what was the point? And I just really, really needed a friend. I needed to be reminded that I _could_ do it. And more than anything, I needed that reassurance from you.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “Of course. I had the hugest crush on you, and I knew I needed to leave you alone – I needed to try and get rid of those feelings. And yet, I didn’t want you to hate me.”

“I could never hate you,” Seonghwa murmured.

“Good, I hope not.”

There was a pause in conversation as Seonghwa fiddled with Hongjoong’s fingers. Seonghwa finally said: “I don’t think I ever told you about the dream I had. About you.”

Hongjoong shifted closer to him, clearly interested. “You had a dream about me? When?”

“Oh…a long time ago. Earlier last year.”

“Really? I never have dreams.”

“Normally I don’t have many either,” Seonghwa admitted. _Especially wet dreams_ , he also wanted to say, but he found it best to omit that part for now. “And the dreams I do have I normally don’t remember. But I remember the one about you perfectly.” Probably because it resulted in him cumming in his pajama bottoms, but, again, he found it best to omit that part.

“What was it about?” he asked.

Seonghwa hummed in contentment, reliving the dream in his head. Ignoring the fiasco after he woke up, it was a pleasant dream. One of the best dreams he’d ever had. “It was snowing and I remember it being really pretty. Sort of like Christmas after we debuted when we had that snowball fight. Remember?”

Hongjoong smiled. “Yeah, that was a really good day.”

“Well, nothing too exciting like that happened in my dream. No snowball fights. Just snow, me and you, and…” his voice trailed off.

“Anddd?” Hongjoong prodded.

“It wasn’t so much that anything happened. It was just the feeling. The feeling of being with you. Ah, sorry that’s cheesy.”

“You had that sort of dream that long ago about me?”

“Joong-ah, that dream kinda started my gay panic.”

“Really?” he asked.

“Uh-huh.”

“Wow,” a wicked smirk grew on his face. “Maybe I do have game.”

Seonghwa scoffed playfully. “Oh, shut up.”

“When it snows this year, we should do that.”

“Have another snowball fight?”

“No, just be with each other,” Hongjoong said. 

He smiled. “I’d like that.”

*

Mingi had to take a hiatus. No one knew for how long. Seonghwa didn’t even think Mingi knew for how long.

Naturally, Seonghwa worried about him. But he couldn’t say he didn’t see it coming. Mingi had been acting more withdrawn lately - quieter and timider. Sure, Mingi wasn’t always the ball of energy he was on camera, he was actually quite shy; but he had been spending a lot more time in his room and had been getting a lot more attention from the managers and staff. 

So, Seonghwa was shocked - and also wasn’t _that_ shocked - when Mingi sat down with the group and staff and it was announced he’d be taking a hiatus to go stay with his parents and try to get his anxiety to a more manageable state.

It was a painful reminder to all of the boys that mental health was important to keep in mind, especially when working the grueling schedules that they were. Of course, it was hard to find time for themselves when they were always either in front of a practice room mirror or in front of a camera.

Wooyoung’s birthday was around the corner, and Seonghwa and Hongjoong, as the hyungs of the group, decided that something needed to be done. That there needed to be a change so no one else would struggle like Mingi.

“A game night?” Jongho lifted his eyebrows.

Hongjoong had managed to corral all of the boys out into the main room after Wooyoung’s birthday dinner.

“Sure, why not?” Hongjoong shrugged – standing in front of all six boys, including Seonghwa.

“Well, Hyung, we would love to play games in here more often, but you seem to have made this space into your bedroom,” Yeosang’s eyes darted over to Seonghwa.

“It’s not his bedroom,” Seonghwa hurriedly defended, even though heat rose in his cheeks.

So, about that…Hongjoong had been sleeping some nights in the main room. On the sofa. But there was nothing wrong with that! The group had a lot of activities coming up and Hongjoong had been working later and later into the night and repeatedly waking Seonghwa up at ungodly hours to crawl into bed. It was either Hongjoong slept at the studio or slept on the sofa. Seonghwa preferred the sofa. Especially since he could tiptoe into the main room early in the morning and flop on top of Hongjoong, waking him up with kisses all over his face.

“I wouldn’t want to sleep next to Hongjoong-hyung every night either,” Wooyoung said. “Hyung probably works in his sleep too.”

“I’m in my right mind to take back that birthday present I got you, _birthday boy_!” Hongjoong pointed at him in playful anger.

Yunho frowned and propped his chin on his knuckles. “I do not think I want to have a game night without Mingi. It is not the same.”

“I know it’s not,” Hongjoong’s face softened. “But he’ll be back soon, and in the meantime, I want us to get better at being…well, boys.”

Seonghwa quirked his face at Hongjoong. He wasn’t explaining this well. “What?” he asked.

“Aghhh.” Hongjoong flailed his hands. “You all know what I’m trying to get at. I want us to relax a bit and have some downtime and try not to be going and going and going all the time. Yeah? That’s why Seonghwa and I thought that having a regular game night would be a good thing.”

“A night where we don’t have to be idols. We can just be ourselves,” Seonghwa helpfully added.

“Exactly!” Hongjoong said.

“Well, it sounds great for all of the extroverts, Hyung, but what about you, me, and Yeosang?” San asked Hongjoong.

“Hey, don’t lump me in there!” Yeosang interjected. “I’m excited to kick everybody’s asses in these games. Especially yours, San-ah.”

“San-ah, you don’t have to participate if you don’t want to. It kinda defeats the purpose if you’re forced into it,” Seonghwa said.

“Well, you heard Yeosang,” San replied. “Now I have to play so I can beat his ass in all the games.”

“Okay, but today’s my birthday so that means everybody has to let _me_ win,” Wooyoung announced loudly.

“Hyung, I feel like every day is your birthday because I feel like I am always letting you win,” Jongho grumbled.

Wooyoung gave a smug shrug. “Not my fault you’re gullible.”

“I share a room with you! I am afraid of what will happen if I _do not_ let you win!” Jongho exclaimed with a chuckle.

“I know, isn’t Wooyoung so spoiled?” San grinned and shook his head at Wooyoung.

Wooyoung whined loudly and climbed onto San, sending them both into a rage of giggles – and the rest of the group into nauseating groans.

“Get a room!” Yeosang yelled.

They took a vote on playing a board game or a video game, and to Seonghwa’s disappointment, the majority voted for playing a video game. Yunho and San got a good kick out of Seonghwa’s disheartened face.

They chose some soccer game that Seonghwa had seen Hongjoong and Yunho playing before.

“We’ll have to play a board game next time for Seonghwa,” Hongjoong said, patting Seonghwa on the back as Yunho loaded the game into the console.

“Hey! We should not be punished because the old man does not like video games!” Wooyoung complained.

“It’s not that I don’t _like_ them, I’m just bad at them,” Seonghwa explained.

“You are bad at them because you do not like them and because you never play them,” Yeosang said to him. “If you played more you would get better.”

Seonghwa didn’t really see the point of practicing at getting better at video games. He shouldn’t have to practice getting better at something that was supposed to be just for fun anyways. At least that’s how Seonghwa saw it.

But it was fine. He let all of the younger boys have their fun as he sat off to the side next to Hongjoong. He was having his own fun running his fingers over the ragged edges of the holes in Hongjoong’s jeans and watching Hongjoong jump every time he shoved his fingers down into the legs of his jeans through said holes.

“Will you quit that?” Hongjoong laughed, jiggling his leg in an attempt to shake Seonghwa’s hand off of him.

He relented and moved his hand away. “Don’t wear those pants if you don’t want me to do that.”

“You just want me to take them off. I see right through you.” Hongjoong threw his arm behind Seonghwa, resting it on the back of the couch.

Seonghwa sat up just a bit straighter. He liked it when Hongjoong did stuff like that. _Couple-y things_. Like they could almost be a normal couple, separated from the idol life and, you know, being a gay couple in Korea. “Are you going to come to bed tonight?” he asked.

Hongjoong smirked. “What’s in it for me?”

“You _know_ what’s in it for you,” Seonghwa answered. They’d had sex only once more since Hongjoong’s birthday and Seonghwa was trying to make it a more frequent occurrence.

He leaned toward him, murmuring in his ear. “How about we do this –” Hongjoong started.

Seonghwa gulped and reveled in their close, honestly fucking _hot_ , proximity.

“How about we have sex _every_ game night?” Hongjoong continued. “That’ll be our thing. Our relaxation.”

With the combination of Hongjoong’s hot breath and the words that were coming out of his mouth, unfortunately Seonghwa got a slight hard-on. In front of the five other boys. Lovely. The things Hongjoong did to him.

He anxiously bounced his knee, willing his erection to go down, praising god that he was wearing skinny jeans.

“Y-yeah, that sounds good,” Seonghwa replied.

“You guys better not be making out over there! I will not hesitate to hurl all over Seonghwa-hyung’s clean floor!” Jongho joked – interrupting the little moment Seonghwa and Hongjoong had going.

Hongjoong pulled away from Seonghwa with a satisfied grin. “Oh stop it. Seonghwa and I have class unlike _Woosan_.”

“It is my birthday, I will sit on Sannie’s lap if I want to!” Wooyoung said from the perch of San’s lap – sitting almost like a spoiled princess. 

“Like I said, Hyung, I think you think that every day is your birthday,” Jongho retorted.

Wooyoung made a face at Jongho before clutching onto San tighter.

“Hyung, do you want a turn?” Yeosang offered the controller to Hongjoong.

“Sure,” Hongjoong took it from him. “Let’s see if I can beat Yunho.”

“Doubt it” was chorused by all of the younger boys.

A competitive Hongjoong tried to prove them all wrong.

…He did not beat Yunho.

However, Hongjoong _did_ take Seonghwa from behind for the first time later that night. His fingers digging deliciously into Seonghwa’s hips as Seonghwa tried desperately to keep his own loud moans at bay – only for them to eventually escape anyways. He didn’t really care, to be honest. It was game night. After all, it was his relaxation time. And no one was going to take that away from him.

Not even a slew of text messages from the younger boys claiming they had permanent brain damage from everything they could hear through the thin walls and over the apparently useless Netflix playing on Hongjoong’s laptop.

The boys never made another comment again about Hongjoong sleeping on the sofa.

*

They had performed without members due to injuries before – Seonghwa, Jongho, Mingi. But it felt different this time with Mingi. Probably because it felt more…wrong. When members were injured, they were still around – just sitting out. But Mingi wasn’t around. He had gone back home with his parents. And the dorm and their stages were left feeling empty.

It was evident how much they all missed Mingi by the fact that no one joked about his much-coveted single bedroom now being empty. Seonghwa figured at the very least Jongho would’ve brought up the possibility of him sleeping in Mingi’s bedroom while he was away, helping to ease the tension of having three boys in one room. But Jongho didn’t say anything about it, nor did anyone else. So Mingi’s room sat empty.

Hongjoong worked longer hours to learn all of Mingi’s parts. And eventually, some of Mingi’s parts started being dealt over to Seonghwa. Which was honestly terrifying. Sure, he wanted to do it; he liked rapping and wanted to be a well-rounded idol, and of course Hongjoong was always supportive in coaching him on verses, but it was daunting trying to fill the shoes of Mingi. No one could ever do that, not even Hongjoong, and especially not Seonghwa.

And without Mingi, the holiday season was already feeling weird. They all still got him Christmas presents and shipped them to his house, but it was strange not having Mingi’s smiling face running through the dorm shouting about Christmas and Christmas presents.

All the boys were stuck at the dorm for Christmas due to the rising COVID-19 cases. The year previous they had all also stayed at the dorm, but this year – probably because of the lack of Mingi and the stress from coronavirus – the mood was far less jovial.

The game nights had been working so far in keeping them in good spirits (thankfully they played board games a couple of times). But Seonghwa thought that the lack of Christmas snow was the final nail in the coffin for what was chalking up to be a depressing Christmas.

Well…at least for the other boys.

This was Seonghwa’s first Christmas with Hongjoong. At least with Hongjoong being his _boyfriend_. That was reason alone to make this an amazing Christmas. (Sorry Mingi.) He’d gotten Hongjoong a pretty navy vest and had somehow gotten Hongjoong into bed at a decent hour on Christmas Eve - that way he wouldn’t feel bad about waking him up early the next morning.

And Seonghwa blinked awake early Christmas morning feeling warm and comfortable. Like he always did when he was sleeping with Hongjoong.

They had drifted apart as they slept, but Hongjoong’s arm was resting on Seonghwa’s chest as he laid on his back. Seonghwa grabbed ahold of his hand and moved Hongjoong’s arm to his own chest, but keeping his fingers threaded through Hongjoong’s.

“Hongjoong-ah,” he whispered. He turned onto his side and looked down at Hongjoong’s face. Their room was dim and all he could see was Hongjoong’s outlines. He took his free hand and brushed his fingers across Hongjoong’s cheek. “Joong-ah, it’s Christmas.”

Hongjoong made a small noise at the back of his throat but didn’t budge.

Seonghwa leaned down and fluttered light kisses across his face – his cheek, his nose, his brow. “I need to check on Wooyoung,” he murmured. “He told me that he’s in charge of cooking this year and I highly doubt he’s up yet.”

Hongjoong squeezed his hand and tugged him closer. “He’s grown. He can get himself up. Sleep in with me.” His voice was thick, low, and groggy sounding, and Seonghwa reveled in it.

“Mm, but don’t you want food?”

He sighed and mumbled: “Rather have you.” He adjusted them so most of his body was on top of Seonghwa’s, as if he was trying to trap him in bed with him. With Hongjoong’s mouth in the crook of Seonghwa’s neck, he breathed: “Sleep.”

By the time Seonghwa and Hongjoong got out of bed it was several hours later and most of the boys had already eaten breakfast, sitting in the main room watching TV.

“Hyung, I am assuming your present for Hongjoong-hyung was sex on Christmas morning?” Wooyoung cracked after Seonghwa and Hongjoong walked in to join everyone.

Yeosang made some choking noises. “Agh, Woo, I’m still eating breakfast.”

“I think your Christmas gift to everyone should be to refrain from sex for the day,” Jongho said to Seonghwa and Hongjoong.

Hongjoong smirked and shook his head. “Yeah, I’m not going to do that.”

Seonghwa flushed and the younger boys collectively groaned.

They didn’t have to fight over putting the Christmas tree up this year, or cause a big mess from broken ornaments, because one of the staff noonas had graciously put their tree up for them. It was quite lovely – she had matched all the ornaments together neatly. The only problem was there were very few wrapped presents underneath the tree.

The only people who’d had the time, and the energy, to wrap their presents were Yeosang and Wooyoung. The rest of the boys had all of their gifts still unwrapped, some even still in the shopping bags, hidden in their rooms.

So when they all gathered round the sofa in the living room, they laid out their wrapped gifts, unwrapped gifts, and shopping bags.

They went around the group one by one, giving each other their presents. At one point, Mingi called Hongjoong’s phone and they all stopped to say hello to him and Mingi thanked them for the presents they had mailed him.

Seonghwa was really just anticipating Hongjoong’s gift. He had only gotten Hongjoong a vest. That he hadn’t even wrapped. He had tried to, though! Or at least, he had thought about trying to… But then he had realized he didn’t know how to wrap a vest. So in the shopping bag it stayed.

They were together now, Hongjoong had no need to try and impress Seonghwa. Seonghwa hoped, and assumed, that Hongjoong would get a similar caliber gift for him. Like a nice scarf or something.

He was definitely thrown for a loop when Hongjoong pulled an envelope out of his waistband and held it out towards Seonghwa, who was sitting on the couch.

“And this is for you,” Hongjoong said, his new vest on over his sweater.

“Agh, no fair, I bet there is cash in there,” Jongho frowned.

Hongjoong smirked and shook his head. “No cash, sorry.”

Seonghwa warily took the envelope from him and stared at it. It was a plain white envelope. No writing on it. It had no weight to it. It clearly had just paper inside. He had no clue what it could be. Obviously, it had to be something Hongjoong would be fine with the other boys seeing, or else he would’ve given it to him in private. So that ruled out a love note. What else would be on paper? (Other than money, as Jongho suggested.)

It turned out: music.

He opened the envelope to find several pages of hand-written sheet music folded neatly inside. At the top of the first page read “Seonghwa’s Song” - _song_ written in English.

The room quickly hushed into a stunned silence. Some of the boys leaned closer to take a better look at the pages.

Seonghwa couldn’t read music. He hadn’t ever learned. It hadn’t been important. They normally just gave him the lyrics, gave him the audio guide, and let him go at it.

But the notes on the page looked…complex.

There were so many and they ran high and low – all over the place.

When he ran his fingers over the page, he could see how the lead pencil had pushed in on the paper, making the paper textured and crinkled. Like the notes were something real and tangible.

And of course, he saw the evidence of erasing. Lots of it. Smears every which way. In some places the old note hadn’t quite been erased thoroughly enough, so the new note had been penciled in darker, in an attempt to cover up the mistake.

“I wrote that for you,” Hongjoong explained, even though he didn’t need to. Everyone could see that clearly enough. Hongjoong had taken the time to compose a _song_ for Seonghwa.

“On piano?” Yeosang asked.

“Yes,” Hongjoong nodded. He moved to kneel on his knees in front of Seonghwa, resting his weight back on his feet.

“Are you going to play it for us?” Yunho asked.

“I’ll let Seonghwa listen later. It’s his song, so,” he smiled.

Seonghwa’s eyes flicked back and forth from Hongjoong to the pages of music. “Can you teach me how to read this?” He wanted to be able to read it himself – be able to see Hongjoong’s work for himself, see the significance of it: the intricacies.

Hongjoong’s back straightened a bit – him growing excited about Seonghwa’s interest. “Sure, yeah! It’s not hard. There’s only seven notes. You know, not including the sharps or flats. And of course, there’s the difference between treble and bass clef notes – but anyways, I, um - ” His mood quickly changed to something more timid, his hands going to wipe anxiously at his knees. “I actually had another present for you.”

Another? Writing a song hadn’t been enough for Hongjoong?

Hongjoong fumbled in his jeans pocket and brought out a ring, holding it out to Seonghwa.

He didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed before. He supposed seeing him holding the ring had prompted it. But, Seonghwa just realized that Hongjoong was wearing the ring Seonghwa had gotten him last Christmas.

And in his hand: “I told you I’d get you one,” Hongjoong said.

Hongjoong’s hand was shaking a bit as he held the ring out, his eyes not quite meeting Seonghwa’s.

Of course, leave it to Wooyoung to break the nervous tension in the air. “Look he’s on his knees, he’s _proposing_!” he hush-whispered.

“Sh, I am not!” Hongjoong’s attention immediately went over to Wooyoung in an effort to defend himself. After a second thought, he scrambled off the floor, still holding the ring.

“Can I see it?” Seonghwa asked softly, shakily putting the sheet music in his lap.

Hongjoong handed him the ring.

It was silver. Like Hongjoong’s. It had some sort of calligraphy-type writing around it. It was unlike anything he’d ever seen. But he also noticed that the band was quite thick.

Hongjoong leaned closer. “So, this is actually an astronomer’s ring. Watch.” He took the ring back from Seonghwa and Seonghwa watched in awe as he peeled apart the ring’s layers (layers Seonghwa hadn’t even noticed the ring had) and twisted the ring into a sphere. The inner layers had letter carvings on them that Seonghwa didn’t recognize.

“I don’t know much about it,” Hongjoong continued. “I think if you move the rings you’re supposed to be able to able to make astrology calculations? I’m honestly not sure. I also read somewhere that you can use it as a sun dial. But basically, it’s supposed to be a map of the stars.”

“Wow, Hyung! That is really cool,” San said, eying the ring.

Hongjoong nodded and gave it back to Seonghwa, who rolled the sphere in his palm.

Hongjoong had given him even more stars. Of course he had. Hongjoong always gave Seonghwa everything he wanted – the entire universe if Seonghwa asked.

“I think couple rings are supposed to match, Hyung,” Jongho said.

Hongjoong quirked his face and squatted down in front of Seonghwa. “Yeah, well. I don’t think that’s a possibility for us. Plus, you know, I thought Seonghwa would appreciate this ring more. ‘Hwa, do you like it?”

And then Seonghwa was crying. Of course he was. He had his members all around him. Hongjoong right there in front of him. Hongjoong’s heart and soul in his lap and the universe in the palm of his hand. “All I got you was a s-stupid vest,” his lip quivered.

“Nonono,” Hongjoong was quick to jump into action, standing up and wrapping his arms around Seonghwa, Seonghwa’s head settling against Hongjoong’s torso. “Please don’t cry. It’s Christmas.”

Hongjoong stroked his hair as he sniffled into Hongjoong’s new vest. “Well, don’t get me stuff like this and I won’t cry,” he whined.

“Hm, Hongjoong-hyung’s making you look pretty bad right now, Sannie,” Wooyoung sing-songed.

“Oh my god, I literally got you want you wanted. You told me you wanted new face wash,” San retorted.

“Okay but like, where’s my couple ring? We’ve been together longer than them!”

San groaned. “Woo, if you want a couple ring just tell me.”

Wooyoung perked up. “Yes, please.”

“Well…I guess I better start saving…” San’s voice trailed off.

“Oh, thank you, you’re the best, San-ah.” Wooyoung jumped onto San, climbing on his back.

San only rolled his eyes and affectionately rubbed Wooyoung’s head.

The interaction between San and Wooyoung helped to cease Seonghwa’s tears a bit, he was instead distracted and entertained by their dynamic.

It was such a weird feeling he was feeling. Like he was the happiest he could ever be. But there was still some sort of disconnect, mostly because he never thought he’d get to that point. He never thought he’d have six brothers and a boyfriend. And yet he had all of that, and _more_.

“Are you okay now?” Hongjoong said softly to him.

Seonghwa nodded against Hongjoong’s abdomen and turned his head to look up at him. “Thank you,” he murmured.

Hongjoong smiled down at him. “You know…I do like the vest. Even with all of your snot on it.”

He whined low and pulled away so he could assess the damage done to Hongjoong’s vest.

Hongjoong swatted his hands away and nuzzled his face in Seonghwa’s hair.

*

Hongjoong’s mother called later Christmas day. Hongjoong went back to their room to take the call in private, but after he had been gone for a while, Seonghwa started to grow curious, wondering if there had been more drama with Hongjoong’s father, so he followed after Hongjoong.

But Hongjoong was sitting in the bottom bunk, all smiles, talking softly on the phone. No drama with his father, giving Seonghwa some sense of relief.

He lingered in the doorway, observing how soft Hongjoong’s face looked - how happy he was to be talking to his mother. It was when Seonghwa was about to turn around and let Hongjoong have some time alone, that Hongjoong looked up at him and said into the phone: “Eomma, Seonghwa is here. Would you like to say hello?”

Seonghwa paused. He couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation, but Hongjoong soon waved his hand at him, meaning that Hongjoong’s mother must have said yes.

He sat on the bed next to Hongjoong as Hongjoong took the phone away from his ear and put it on speakerphone. “Eomma, you are on speakerphone.”

“Hello, Eomeonim,” Seonghwa said to the phone as Hongjoong smiled softly at him, “Are you having a good day today?”

“Ahhh, Seonghwa-sshi! Yes, I am, thank you for asking. Have you eaten a lot of food today?” Hongjoong’s mother asked.

Seonghwa and Hongjoong shared a grin. “Yes, ma’am, I have,” Seonghwa answered.

“Eomma, there is actually something I wanted to tell you,” Hongjoong interjected.

Seonghwa gave him a quizzical look.

“Sure, what is it?” she said.

Hongjoong shifted a bit and rested his elbows on his knees, looking away from Seonghwa. “Do you remember when I came to you that one day after school crying? And we had that really long talk?” he said into the phone. “You know, right before dad stopped coming around.”

Seonghwa could only sit there in confusion as he didn’t know where this was all going.

“Sure, sure, yes, of course. Honey, what’s wrong?”

“No, there is nothing wrong. Everything is fine. I just…I just wanted to tell you that Seonghwa and I are…he’s my - ” he seemed to not know how to say it.

But his mother finished for him: “Is he your special friend? Is that what you’re trying to tell me, honey?”

Hongjoong gave a nervous laugh, looking back up at Seonghwa again, who was looking down at Hongjoong with an incredulous gaze, not quite believing what Hongjoong had just confessed. “Yes, that was what I was trying to tell you.”

“Oh, well that’s wonderful!” His mother’s voice exploded out of the phone, making them both jump. “Seonghwa is a good boy. Is Seonghwa still there? Tell him I said welcome to the family!”

“Yes, Eomma, he is still here.” Hongjoong was smiling widely, yet he was also hastily brushing tears out of his eyes.

Seonghwa put a gentle hand on Hongjoong’s back.

“Seonghwa-sshi, can you hear me? Welcome to the family! I just told Hongjoong that you’re a good boy.”

“Yes, ma’am. I heard you, thank you very much,” Seonghwa replied.

“Hongjoong-ah, are you treating him nicely?” she continued. “He’s very handsome, you know.”

At that, Seonghwa flushed and laughed silently as Hongjoong cringed a bit. “Yes, Eomma, I am. You have raised me well.”

“Oh, thank you, honey.”

“I am glad you like Seonghwa.”

“Of course,” she replied.

“I - I love him very much,” he said quietly.

Seonghwa's heart pounded and twisted in his chest.

“Awh, wow, I’m so happy for you,” his mother said, her voice sounding almost relieved. “And I’m always proud of you, you know.”

Hongjoong sniffled a bit. “I know. Thank you.”

“Well, I will let you boys get back to having fun. I need to go check on my rice anyways.”

“Okay. Goodbye Eomma, I love you.”

“I love you too. Tell Seonghwa I said Merry Christmas. We’ll talk again soon.”

Hongjoong giggled softly. “Alright, goodbye.”

“Bye bye now.”

Hongjoong pressed the end call button but didn’t budge from his position – as if he was suddenly too shy to look at Seonghwa.

“Joong-ah,” he murmured.

“Hm?” Hongjoong turned his head just a tad towards Seonghwa, still trying to hide. Though, the one eye Seonghwa could see was red and watery.

“Your mother…” his voice trailed off.

He cleared his throat and shook his head. “Yeah, I know. She’s embarrassing sometimes. She kept forgetting you could hear her, I think.”

“No, that’s not it…You told her.”

“I figured it’d make her happy to know.” He blinked furiously and wiped underneath his eyes. “And I think it did, so that’s good.”

Seonghwa thoughtfully licked at his lips. “But…you also told her that you love me.”

Finally, finally Hongjoong turned his head to fully look at Seonghwa. “Because I do.” He grabbed Seonghwa’s left hand, running his fingers across Seonghwa’s ring. 

“Why did you come home from school crying that day?” Seonghwa rubbed Hongjoong’s thumb with his own. His other hand ran up Hongjoong’s spine to rest on the back of Hongjoong’s head, petting his soft hair.

Hongjoong quirked a smile. “I realized I had a crush on a boy in my class. And that my dad had been right about me all along.”

“Oh,” Seonghwa slowly nodded. “Hm…Anybody I should be worried about?” he then joked.

He chuckled. “Nah. I think you’re some pretty stiff competition.”

“Good,” he smiled. “Oh, and I believe you were going to play me the song you wrote?”

“You have a lot of questions,” Hongjoong teased him.

“Well, stop being so interesting then.”

“I have to be interesting to keep you around! You heard my mother, you’re _handsome_.”

“And so are you. Plus you’re talented too. A double threat. I’m sure this song is going to be amazing.”

Hongjoong grimaced and started tapping around on his phone. “Oh, we’ll see. I’m not the best at piano yet.”

“Shush.” He flopped back onto his back.

“Okay, well…here it goes. I hope you like it.” Hongjoong pressed play on his phone and laid back next to Seonghwa – Hongjoong placing the phone in between them on the mattress.

And immediately, all Seonghwa heard was a flurrying of keys – making the number of notes on the pages of the sheet music make much more sense in his mind. It sounded like something steadily climbing, something going _somewhere_.

It gave him chills up his spine.

His eyes fluttered shut and he tried to focus on listening as intently as he could. Because this was _Seonghwa’s_ song. This was how Hongjoong interpreted Seonghwa.

He wanted to say it sounded like someone running, or a train rushing on tracks, or a plane zipping through the air, or a car hurrying down the road, or even waves constantly crashing on shore.

Or maybe even a meteor shower. The meteors flying rapidly through the sky – like a fury of shooting stars. 

Whatever it was, or could be, or however Hongjoong had imagined it to be – it sounded happy. Optimistic. Like there was somewhere to be. It was going somewhere. Seonghwa was going somewhere. And not lightly. Not slowly. No. Heavily. Quickly.

Soon.

And it sounded like that somewhere was somewhere new, despite that, a strange, overwhelming nostalgic feeling came over Seonghwa as he listened. A feeling he couldn’t quite place because he’d never listened to the song before. Hongjoong had just wrote it, right? Was he destined for a place he’d already been?

Or perhaps, a place he’d never been, but was already familiar to him.

Somewhere involving fate.

The notes slowly faded into soft chords and then it was over. Far too quickly. It felt like Seonghwa didn’t get enough time with the song. Like he didn’t get a chance enough to appreciate it. Like he was suddenly woken up from a very good dream.

“Awh, that’s it?” Seonghwa murmured before thinking, still in a bit of a daze.

Of course, Hongjoong immediately worried, grabbing his phone. “What? You didn’t like it?”

“What? No! Hongjoong-ah. That was beautiful.” He twisted onto his side to look at Hongjoong. “I didn’t mean it like that…I just – I could’ve listened to it all day. Is that how you think of me? That song?”

“Well, I hope I think of you better than that. I’m still not the best at piano,” he sheepishly grinned. “But working on this helped me get better.”

Seonghwa rolled his eyes. Typical Hongjoong – always thinking he could improve when he was already ridiculously talented as he was. “Will you play it for me someday?”

“Sure,” Hongjoong beamed. “I know you can’t read music, so you didn’t notice this, but I wrote this in the key of F.” 

“Oh yeah?” Key of F? Seonghwa wracked his brain. Was that supposed to be important? Obviously it was, or Hongjoong wouldn’t have said it. So why was it important? Seonghwa felt bad that he couldn’t remember.

“Remember pre-debut, when I worked with you on the piano? I taught you how to play an F major chord,” he explained.

“You - ” Seonghwa’s voice wavered as his chest ached. “You remembered that?”

“Of course I did.”

Instantly, Seonghwa pulled Hongjoong toward him, kissing him urgently and desperately. Hongjoong made a little sound at the back of his throat and Seonghwa drank him further in.

Seonghwa loved him. Loved him, loved him, loved him. Not for just what Hongjoong did for him. Which, Hongjoong _did_ do a _lot_ for Seonghwa. But no, it was everything else too. It was Hongjoong’s soft hair that Seonghwa brushed his fingers through. It was Hongjoong’s smile that Seonghwa’s mouth ravaged. It was Hongjoong’s bravery that led them to where they were now.

Without Hongjoong, would there even be a Seonghwa? Well, obviously, there would be. But what state would he be in?

“Thank you, thank you,” Seonghwa almost mindlessly chanted against Hongjoong’s lips.

Hongjoong pulled away, panting. “Why are you thanking me?”

Emotions were starting to choke him up. He swallowed thickly. “For choosing me.”

Hongjoong’s eyes were wide and burning as they roamed over Seonghwa’s face. “‘Hwa, I didn’t choose you. I love you.”

Like before when Hongjoong had confessed it to his mother, Seonghwa’s heart twisted in his chest. It was one thing knowing someone loved you. It was another to hear them say it. And it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard. Even more beautiful than the song Hongjoong had written for him.

“Yeah?” Seonghwa asked. Even though he knew. But yet still, it was like his ears wanted to double check and make sure. His mind wanted to listen to those words for the rest of his life.

“Yes,” Hongjoong nodded before kissing him.

They should’ve probably gone back out to tend to the younger boys. Who knew what trouble they would get up to while they were left unattended.

But instead, Seonghwa got up from the bunk and locked their door.

They swiftly shed their clothing, hands soon roaming what was familiar territory now.

Seonghwa handed Hongjoong a condom packet.

As he started unwrapping it, he said: “When are you going to… _you know_ , again?”

Seonghwa thought it was cute that Hongjoong didn’t want to say the word douche. “I don’t know…why, do you want me to?”

Hongjoong rolled the condom on and laid Seonghwa back, covering his body with his own. “Only if you want to.”

“You don’t like the condoms, huh?” Seonghwa grinned.

He gave a short laugh. “I didn’t say that. And actually, it doesn’t have anything to do with that.”

“Really?”

Hongjoong shook his head and moved his hand down to Seonghwa’s entrance, pushing two lubed fingers inside of him. “I actually wanted to try something. If you agreed, of course.”

At the feeling of Hongjoong’s fingers, Seonghwa ground his hips upwards. “ _Ahh_ , wanted to try what?”

“Well…” He shyly buried his head in Seonghwa’s neck. “I want to put my mouth down there.”

His mouth? On Seonghwa’s…? Had Seonghwa ever seen something like that in porn? He didn’t watch too much of it nowadays. He didn’t really have a need to when he had Kim Hongjoong. “That’s a thing?” he asked.

“Yes, that’s a thing,” Hongjoong giggled.

“And it feels good?”

“Yes, ‘Hwa. It’s supposed to. Otherwise I don’t think people would do it.”

“Ohhh, well…okay,” Seonghwa easily agreed. It was Hongjoong after all.

“We’ll talk about it more later,” Hongjoong said. “There’s something I want to do now.”

And that was removing his fingers from Seonghwa and replacing them with his cock. Seonghwa quickly covered his mouth to suppress a moan. Hongjoong gave him a quick smirk and a kiss on the temple.

Hongjoong started to move agonizingly slow. A leisurely drag of his hips that had Seonghwa screaming internally for him to quicken the pace, or else he might explode.

But Hongjoong seemed to like the unhurried speed. His hand was gently stroking Seonghwa’s face as he looked deep into Seonghwa’s eyes.

Seonghwa felt exposed and shy with the prolonged eye contact, so his eyes darted away every couple of moments. But every time he looked back, Hongjoong’s eyes had never left. 

“Hongjoong-ah,” he finally whined. “Can we flip over?” Hongjoong was never this slow when he was fucking him from behind. The change of position could prompt Hongjoong to _hurry it up_. He liked the feeling of Hongjoong fucking him senseless – the simultaneous numbness and pleasure it gave him.

Hongjoong pouted. “No, I want to look at you.”

Seonghwa gave a soft groan. “Well, can you go faster? Agh, you’re driving me crazy.”

Probably spawned by Seonghwa’s complaining, Hongjoong thrusted once – harsh and deep – causing Seonghwa to choke out a gasp. “I want to make love to you. Will you let me?”

He wanted to _make love_ to him? That was what…well, that was what people in love did. And they were in love. So as much as Seonghwa wanted Hongjoong to fuck the shit out of him…he nodded and whispered a “Yes.”

Apparently, making love entailed very, very slow thrusts from Hongjoong. With lingering kisses, brushes of noses against each other, gentle wandering fingers.

Getting fucked was amazing because it was overwhelming physical feelings. But making love, Seonghwa learned, was all about the overwhelming emotional feelings. Because with everything this slowed down – he got to drink his full fill of Hongjoong. Every tiny crevasse of his body, every miniscule sound he produced, every small move he made, every little feeling that crossed Seonghwa’s heart when he was with Hongjoong. It was all suddenly much more noticeable to Seonghwa. And it was addicting.

Hongjoong must have noticed that Seonghwa was starting to get closer, mostly due to the attention he had started giving Seonghwa’s neck, and he put his hand between them to grip Seonghwa’s hardened cock.

Seonghwa made a small noise at the back of his throat, his fingernails digging into the skin of Hongjoong’s back.

At long last, Hongjoong gave him what he wanted. His hips moved faster, jolting Seonghwa up the mattress. Seonghwa wasn’t quick enough to contain the moan that erupted from him. “Ah, Hongjoong-ah, _please_ ,” he muttered almost silently. 

Hongjoong’s hips moved in time with his hand. Quick, rough – exactly what Seonghwa needed to send him up to the stars.

Seonghwa opened his mouth to silently gasp as he ascended upwards, but Hongjoong covered him mouth with his own – filling the space with his tongue.

Hongjoong’s hand left Seonghwa’s cock, leaving the mess behind to mix in between their two bodies. But Hongjoong’s thrusts didn’t let up. He continued on at was at first a steady speed, but then ultimately ended in a stuttering fashion.

They continued to kiss, even after Hongjoong had already cum as well.

It was when they started disentangling so they could clean up, that Hongjoong glanced over at the photos Seonghwa had strung up on their bunk. Seonghwa had taken some string and some clothes pins and hung pictures of mostly Hongjoong, but also some with the both of them as well. It was for whenever Hongjoong was busy with work or sleeping on the sofa, and Seonghwa was left with falling asleep by himself in the bunk. It was comforting to look up and see their faces together in the stars.

“Seonghwa-yah, I love you so much.”

Seonghwa paused in reaching for his underwear. “Hongjoong-ah,” he said. “I love you too.”

Hongjoong gave the proudest smile. As if he’d finally earned something after a long, long time. “I treat you well, right?” he asked, harkening back to the conversation he’d had with his mother.

“Yes, you always do. Like just now. I told you to hurry it up and you did,” he joked.

Hongjoong laughed. “Oh, I had my own selfish reasons for that. Don’t worry.”

“And you’re comfortable with me, right?” Seonghwa asked, harkening way, way back. Back to when they were first getting to know each other. Back when they were still dancing around each other. Back when their stars weren’t quite aligned yet.

“‘Hwa, I’ve never been more comfortable with anyone in my life.”

Seonghwa shined a smile.

Because their stars were aligned now.

*

There was no alcohol that year for New Year’s Eve. Instead, there was a game night. A game night to end all game nights. With several of their managers now involved in the madness.

At one point, Hongjoong pinched him gently in the side before walking off towards their room, breaking away from the party going on.

Seonghwa smirked, knowing what Hongjoong wanted.

He waited a few moments before following after him.

Once they were in the privacy of their room, Seonghwa and Hongjoong’s lips met. Seonghwa toyed with the threading of Hongjoong’s sweater as Hongjoong slipped his hands underneath Seonghwa’s jacket.

“Happy New Year’s,” Hongjoong breathed.

Seonghwa pressed fluttering kisses across Hongjoong’s cheeks. “It’s not New Year’s yet.”

“No, but I can’t kiss you out there.”

He frowned and continued pressing kisses across Hongjoong’s face.

Eventually, they had to pull away and return to everyone. Hongjoong left first, leaving Seonghwa behind.

He sat in an empty silence, fingering the astronomical ring around his neck that he had started wearing as a necklace. A more discreet way of wearing his couple ring.

Before he left the room, he flicked on the star projector so it’d be running once they returned for bed.

One of their managers had turned on a TV program displaying the New Year’s countdown. They all sat around the sofa, watching the TV, drinking soda, and playing board games.

Seonghwa & Hongjoong and San & Wooyoung sat next to each other.

But there wouldn’t be New Year’s kisses for any of them this year with the managers around.

But that was okay for Seonghwa.

He had Hongjoong’s ring around his neck, his cuff around his wrist, and his hand lingering on his knee.

“Hey hey hey,” Manager Lee pointed to the TV screen. They were counting down from twenty seconds now.

Hongjoong slung an arm around Seonghwa and pulled him close. “Do you think 2021 will be a good year?” Hongjoong asked him.

Seonghwa met his gaze. “I know it will be.”

He gave him a fond smile and affectionately knocked their heads together.

“Everybody, Mingi says hello!” Yunho announced, waving his phone in the air – his text messages pulled up.

“Hi Mingi-yah!” they all chanted back, even though Mingi couldn’t hear them. Of course, there was a stray “Mingi-hyung” from Jongho.

They continued watching the TV as it counted down. “Five! Four!”

Yeosang handed Hongjoong a bright red noisemaker and he passed it along to Seonghwa. Yeosang then slapped a 2021 headband on Hongjoong’s head and he took his arm away from Seonghwa’s to adjust it.

“Three! Two!”

Seonghwa took a long look at Hongjoong. His pretty brown hair falling into his eyes. The glint of the gold on his ring finger as he adjusted the headband. The crinkle in his eyes as he smiled wide. The perfect shape of his teeth. The sharp angle of his nose. The intricate piercings on his ears. The way his purple sweater flattered his skin.

Seonghwa slowly raised the noisemaker.

Hongjoong’s eyes met Seonghwa’s and he smiled a bit wider.

“One!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is what I imagined "Seonghwa's Song" sounded like:  
> [click here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yD7qlXH7QgE&list=WL&index=2&ab_channel=celina.maya)
> 
> Wow. I cannot believe this fanfic has come to an end. I cried a little bit...
> 
> It feels so weird because I've been working on it for 8 months. All I've been doing is coming home from work and writing this. Now what do I do????
> 
> Well...write more fanfics of course!
> 
> But _what_ is the question....
> 
> Leave a comment below of what you want me to write next!
> 
> Here are my current *ideas*:
> 
> \- Seongjoong pirate AU  
> \- Seongjoong A/B/O + arranged marriage + CEO AU mayhaps?  
> \- Woosan idolverse, canon; in the same vein as this fanfic  
> \- Woosan A/B/O + arranged marriage + retro 1970's organized crime mayhaps?  
> \- Sansang Christmas/college AU  
> \- something Hongjoong/Wooyoung (undecided)
> 
> Let me know if any of these pique your interest or if you want to read a certain Ateez ship! 
> 
> I also want to take a moment and thank all of my dedicated readers + reviewers. You know who y'all are! I very much appreciate you guys <3 
> 
> Also, a shoutout to my friend Jay (z8tto/Crayteez). She's been a huge supporter of mine and a A+++ seongjoong sounding board. Hi Jay!!!  
> \--> [z8tto's fanfics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ura_nium/pseuds/z8tto)
> 
> Also, a shoutout to my little sister Rebekah, who is reading this fanfic solely because I bought her Shinee's new album. Hi little lion!!!
> 
> Farewell everyone, I shall be back soon! 
> 
> -joonijoongi

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [twitter](HTTP://www.twitter.com/joonijoongi) for updates on future Ateez fanfics!
> 
> Check out [my carrd](HTTP://www.joonijoongi.carrd.co) as well! 
> 
> _Also, a "cover my ass" disclaimer once again:_  
>  _This is 100% fiction. I 100% made everything in this fanfiction up. 0% of what occurs in this fic probably happened in real life. The personal lives of these great 8 men in Ateez are none of my business, I wish them all the very best and REALLY hope they don't stumble across this fic someday because that would be truly embarrassing._


End file.
